Thanks to channels like SyFy and Starz, fantasy fans are spared the effects of the nonsensical “seasons” of network TV. Things like the “winter hiatus” find crime procedural fans rocking back-and-forth in a corner, humming the Law & Order theme over and over, while hospital drama fans stare at the wall and repeat “McDreamy, McDreamy, McDreamy” until they develop facial ticks.

Lucky for us, when Elizabeth Mitchell takes a break from fighting aliens and Joshua Jackson takes a time-out from the alternate universe, we can just flip over to another channel and pick up Spartacus or Caprica.

We’re not desperate for network TV shows to return, but we confess that we are excited.

Here’s a look at when our favorite fantasy shows are coming back, and what to expect when they land.

Warning: Mild spoilers below!

FlashForward (March 18, ABC) — The one future FlashForward can’t seem to predict is its own. Ratings haven’t been promising, and critics can’t decide if they love it, or if it’s a watered-down, island-less Lost. The show has been on hiatus since Christmas, which has given the writers a chance to rethink their strategy. Their plan is to stop asking so many questions and start answering the ones they’ve already posed. Plus, they’re adding Battlestar Galactica favorite James Callis to the mix, which is enough to get almost any fantasy fan’s heart thumping.

Supernatural (March 25, CW) — Supernatural’s 100th episode will air April 15th. There are rumblings that Jo, Ruby and Bela will return, but CW hasn’t confirmed it. Before that, though, Sam and Dean have got to figure out what’s happening in Bobby’s hometown. Or, more accurately, they’ve got to figure out how to deal with the zombie infestation going down in Bobby’s town (including Bobby’s wife). The apocalypse is nigh! Of course, the apocalypse has been nigh and the show has still managed to entertain for 100 episodes. We’re not expecting brimstone just yet.

Vampire Diaries (March 25, CW) — O.C. alum (and my all-time favorite TV mom) Melinda Clarke joins the cast as Matt’s mom when the show returns. She’s not crazy about Caroline — though to be fair, when has she ever been crazy about any of her TV children’s partners? (Except Luke, who she slept with.) In other news: Stefan will be vamp-napped by some revenge seekers, Damon will be auctioned off for love, and a stranger knows Elena’s secret.

V (March 30, ABC) — Executive producer Scott Rosenbaum has promised at least two or three reveals in every one of V’s final eight episodes. There’s going to be a showdown between Erica and Anna, too. In addition to driving the plot forward at breakneck speeds, Rosenbaum also insists that viewers will be rewarded with long-awaited backstory. ABC hopes the combo story-telling with reinvest viewers who are already familiar with the show, while hooking in a new audience. V is on the bubble, so we’re crossing our fingers the strategy works.

Fringe (April 1, Fox) — In their spring preview issue, Entertainment Weekly reported that the relationship between Peter and Olivia “will develop a lot” by the end of the season. The dichotomy between Walter Bishop’s past and present will become even more “moving and poignant.” And he and William will definitely meet up at the end of the season. We already know that Fox has greenlit a third season of Fringe, so we’re expecting nothing less than a delicious cliff-hanger in the two-part finale.

Smallville (April 2, CW) — CW has already granted Smallville a tenth season, making it one of the longest-running primetime shows ever. Unfortunately, most of the original cast has moved on, and there’s a good chance Erica Durance won’t be back next season. But for now, Clark’s got the Silver Banshee and Max Lord to deal with. Maybe Smallville’s producers can de-Kryptonite Lana and bring her back for season ten, now that Kristin Kreuk done messing with Chuck and Sarah’s true love on Chuck.

Also of (non-network) note Stargate Universe returns with five new episodes on SyFy on April 2nd. And Matt Smith’s Doctor Who is coming to BBC America on April 17.

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• Apparently not having had their fill of fantasy with Spartacus: Blood and Sand, the Starz network has obtained the rights to Pillars of the Earth, an “epic tale of good vs. evil told against the religious, social and political struggles of medieval Europe.” Man, Starz is becoming the place to be, isn’t it?

• Are people excited about the new V? I can’t seem to get my finger on that particular pulse. Well, if you are, we have promises from the powers that be that we’ll see more, more, more in the coming episodes. As for me, I just want to see mega-hottie Morena Baccarin rip her face off. Is that too much to ask?

• Okay, I thought the idea of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was genius. I freakin’ loved the title Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. So needless to say, I am super-stoked to learn that Tim Burton will be directing the upcoming film adaptation of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. A possibly risky move considering the novel was just released today.

• The part of Albus Dumbledore’s brother Aberforth has been cast, and it’s … Julius Caesar? Actually, it’s Ciaran Hinds, who played Julius Caesar on HBO’s Rome. From slain emperor to crazy old wizard. Not too shabby there, Ciaran.

• As a New Yorker, the Tribeca Film Festival has always held a special place in my heart. I love that in a city as commercial as New York there’s a festival that really honors the independent, artistic spirit of roll-up-your-sleeves filmmakers. And I’m proud that they’re honoring that tradition by opening the festical this year with … Shrek Forever After? Seriously? Wow, can’t wait till they open next year’s festival with that hard-hitting indie documentary, Transformers 3.

• I ain’t afraid o’ no spoilers. Bill Murray spills the beans on Letterman about the possibility of a new Ghostbusters movie. He doesn’t seem so into it.

• This is the kind of tweet that gets a big ol’ Marvel comics fan like me all in a tizzy. Hint: Anyone feel like assembling?

• While we’re on the subject of comics, here’s a great way to kill 20 minutes: a tour through the comic-book-cum-video-games of yesteryear.

• I have to confess, I never read any of Terry Brooks’ Shannara novels, even though they’ve called to me like sirens every time I pass them in the bookstore. Well, I should get crackin’, because he has three more on the way.

• Anyone else suffering from a little Hobbit rumor exhaustion? It’s cast, it’s not cast, it’s in 3D, it’s not in 3D, oh, wait, it might be in 3D. Just make the freakin’ movie already. (Incidentally, I’m currently reading The Hobbit again just for fun. Guess what? It’s just as awesome as you remember. Of course, the best part of the novel is not having to hear any rumors about the making of it.)

• After the more-successful-than-God run of Avatar, talk of a sequel is naturally in the works, but James Cameron doesn’t want to call it Avatar 2. He’s thinking he might call it Na’vi. I say he can call it whatever he wants, as long as we don’t have to hear rumors about it for years. Damn you, Hobbit.

• Daniel Radcliffe consistently proves he’s a bloody brilliant bloke, most recently for his work with The Trevor Project, a hotline to help LGBT teenagers in crisis. That’s right, a celebrity working for a cause that he’s not personally affected by and doesn’t tie in to a film he’s promoting. He’s just doing it because he knows he has a platform and he wants to use that opportunity for good. Wingardium levi-awesome.

• Finally, I’m trying to figure out an excuse I can come up with to post this next link … ooh, I got it. You all saw Look Who’s Talking, right? That was kind of fantasy … wasn’t it? Babies talking to each other? Yeah, that should work. Anyway, here’s 6 scientifically-proven facts that show that babies are completely evil, spiteful, petty A-holes.

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Who doesn’t love a good man-lizard every now and then? Or a woman-lizard, for that matter.

If the new (and old) series V tells us anything, it’s that mankind has, well, a thing for mutant humanoid reptiles.

Reptile men have a long and celebrated history of interaction with his mammalian brothers, and it’s usually not one of cooperation and mutual benefit. Possibly the very first reptile man to chillax with his primate brethren was Sobek, the Egyptian god of water, specifically, the waters of the Nile which allowed their crops to be bountiful. He was joined by his reptilian cousin Apep, the snake god (occasionally seen as a crocodile, as well), who was a lot nastier than the benevolent Sobek.

And who can forget the story told in Genesis, the first book of the Bible, in which Eve is tempted by none other than the serpent?

Shoot forward to the ’80s, and there was a veritable lizard man explosion!

First, you had the original V, in which Nazi-esque alien lizards descended upon humanity. Simultaneously, on Third Earth, the heroic Thundercats were dealing with some nasty mutant enemies, among them S-s-slithe, the reptilian leader (and yes, his name had hyphens. Hey, mine has an apostrophe, who am I to judge?). There was also the scaly presence of Cobra Commander in the world of G.I. Joe.

Meanwhile, on the big screen, a bizarre and touching friendship occurred between a human and a reptile being in an obscure but fascinating sci-fi film called Enemy Mine, and down here on Earth, James Earl Jones gamely turned into a giant snake in Conan the Barbarian.

In the ’90s, the world of video games brought us both Mortal Kombat’s Reptile and Soul Calibur’s Lizard Man.

And there’s my favorite bat-crap crazy philosopher, David Icke, who really believes that many of our world leaders are actually hybrids of humans and reptile-aliens (in other words, the exact plot of V), spanning the political spectrum from the first George Bush to Hillary Clinton, and belong to the shady institution known as the Illuminati. The man is insane with a capital WTF, so naturally I love him.

But the question has to be asked, what’s up with our fondness for these reptilians? What’s the dilly-yo?

It could be that we have that very human characteristic of being inexorably drawn to the other, the bizarre, that which is unlike us, and as mammals, a reptilian creature fits that mold. When in the shape of a man, it sort of looks like us, but is actually a funhouse mirror image, a bastardization of humanity, a representation of what we might have been had evolution taken a slightly different course. Reptile men are us, when seen through a glass darkly.

Or it could be that scales are just, you know, awesome.

Suffice it to say, with the new series V doing quite well for itself in the ratings, it would seem that lizard men are here to stay, at least until we find a new animal-man hybrid upon which to languish our affection. Personally, I’m leaning in favor of Bird Men. What do you think?

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An attractive, telegenic, charismatic leader shows up out of nowhere, promising change for the better and universal health care, and charms millions of Americans, while others refuse to jump on board the love train, and some even go so far as accusing the new leader of being a covert terrorist.

Sound familiar?

It should, because it it’s a fairly accurate (if overly-concise) account of President Obama’s campaign. It also happens to be the plot of the new show V, minus a little tidbit about reptilian aliens.

According to this article, the similarity is a little too perfect to be ignored. The author states his opinion that the show is a “barbed critique on Obamamania that will infuriate the president’s supporters and delight his detractors.” If that’s true, than we have a high-profile primetime series being used as an outlet for seething anger towards the president, not only taking aim at his supposedly specious ability to charm people, but also putting forward the belief that he is truly here to harm good, upstanding American citizens.

So, is it true?

Nope. The show obviously uses the political language of the day — a character directly, without coding, says that the aliens can offer “universal health care” — but that’s because television dialogue always reflects the language of the present culture. V doesn’t strike any eerie realistic chords with its political rhetoric anymore than The West Wing did.

Thanks to 24-hour news channels, which have made celebrities out of partisan political commentators like Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann, politics have infiltrated pop culture like never before, and have become completely infused with entertainment. Given this merge, is it any surprise that pure entertainment is based on political secrecy?

V’s source material — the 1980s mini-series and series — used similar references — and it was obviously created decades before anyone even knew Obama’s name.

Liberal or conservative, whatever your stance may be, feel free to enjoy V as a fun, if slightly silly, bit of escapist television, and leave the politicking to the professionals. Sometimes science fiction and fantasy can be used more effectively than any other genre to make social criticisms, because they allow us to step away from naming names and speak clearly, if through the lens of metaphor.

But sometimes it’s just for fun. And such is the case with V.

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Two and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

Okay, I’m kinda bummed. After last week’s terrific premiere of V, last night’s episode was decidedly underwhelming.

Sure, the “plot thickened” more or less, but I’m having a hard time remembering anything particularly memorable about the episode (and I took notes!).

Ironically, the episode was titled “There Is No Normal Anymore,” but except for an occasional picket sign, things are actually seeming pretty darn normal.

From interviews with the producers, I know that they were worried that since the story is a remake and most people are familiar with its basic plot elements, they were determined to get to the establishment of the “resistance movement” as quickly as possible.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I wonder if it really was. The series now seems both rushed and superficial — like the producers are just going through the plot-motions. Or maybe it’s just that there aren’t enough thrills.

But it’s a show about frickin’ lizard aliens! How can there not be enough thrills?!

Anyway, this poor episode, coupled with the fact that ABC has announced that it will air just two more episodes, then pull the show for “retooling” until March, has me worried that they don’t quite know what they’re doing here.

Still, I continue to be impressed by Morena Baccarin, who I think is absolutely sensational as Anna.

But everything else felt pretty by-the-numbers to me.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

HEY, I SOLD MY FANTASY NOVEL!

Many of you know that, in addition to editing this website, I have a career as a novelist (nine published novels from major publishers, with my work available in at least six languages and a couple of movies in the works).

I’m mostly known for realistic teen fiction like Geography Club, but I also dabble in mystery (three novels) and fantasy (one novel for kids).

But (obviously, since I founded and run this site) fantasy is my greatest love. The reason I haven’t published more of it is solely because I first became established writing realistic fiction, and once you have success in one genre, it can be hard to convince publishers to let you branch out.

That changed last week when I sold my second fantasy novel, Shadowwallkers, to Flux Books (which is a teen imprint devoted to edgy, speculative fiction).

What’s the book about? A gay teenager living on an isolated island in Puget Sound escapes loneliness by experimenting with astral projection (or mind-body separation). Soon he’s exploring the spiritual realm that surrounds us all, and using it to solve his brother’s kidnapping.  But he’s also being tracked by a shadowy evil that sees the teenager as the perfect host to return to the “real” world!

We just announced the deal last week, and there’s already movie interest.

Since, as an author, I get a lot of email asking questions about the process and business of publishing, I figured people might like reading updates about the novel’s progress here.

The book won’t be out until early 2010, but I guarantee the pre-publication process will be a wild, interesting ride. It always is!

And you’ll have a front-row seat.

SPEAKING OF V…

Okay, so everyone knows how much I liked the pilot for V. I was pleased by the news that it is also a big hit.

So the SyFy Channel was rerunning the original mini-series last weekend, and I caught a peek. It was the scene when Robin, a human who has been impregnated by an alien, gives birth.

I remember this scene vividly from my childhood — how shocking, but also how incredibly cool it was.

Well, take a look at what I saw on the SyFy Channel:

It’s still a great, perfectly constructed scene, with the first seemingly-”normal” child (but not quite), then the line, “It’s twins!” and the emergence of that…”twin.”

But those special effects! They’re shocking all right, but what’s the most shocking is what passed for “cool” back in 1983! I mean, wow! I know CGI has changed how we see everything, but that thing looks like a damn muppet! How did we keep from laughing at the sight of it?

It’s really, really interesting how quickly our standards have changed, isn’t it?

THE TINDER BOX TAKES ON THE IDIOT BOX

The big fantasy news on television this week is, of course, the return of Legend of the Seeker (at last!). It’s syndicated, so time and channels vary according to your local market. It’ll also be available on Hulu.com on Monday.

V is back on Tuesday with “There Is No Normal Anymore,” an episode in which Erica and Father Jack, having quickly determined they’re both against the arrival of the Visitors, suddenly find themselves being tracked by a “Seeker” from the Visitors. Meanwhile Chad, admitting he blew it in his first interview with Anna, tries some actual investigative journalism (ABC, Tuesday, 8 PM).

On Thursday, Science of the Movies is back with its second season premiere with an episode focusing on zombies (Science, Thursday, 8 PM).

Also on Thursday is the Supernatural episode, “It’s a Supernatural Convention,” in which super-fan Becky tricks Sam and Dean into attending a Supernatural fan convention, complete with fans dressed up as Sam and Dean. In other words, the producers are going all-in on their nod to the show’s actual fan-base. I know this bugs some people, thinking the show’s breaking the “fourth wall” too much, but I’ve always found it pretty hilarious when the show “goes there” (CW, Thursday, 9 PM).

THE TINDER BOX AT THE BOX OFFICE

Wow, there’s lots of fantasy-esque stuff opening in theaters this weekend, including The Box (read our review), A Christmas Carol (which I simply couldn’t bring myself to attend the advance screening for, thanks to my abiding hatred of Jim Carrey), and The Fourth Kind (which is getting mixed reviews).

Will they cancel each other out — the way that all the fantasy/sci-fi shows clustered on Thursday nights are cannibalizing each other in the ratings? We’ll see.

Out on DVD this week is Up. (Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing this, or any other media, through this link.)

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

(I actually wasn’t that cranky this week, was I?)

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The premiere of last night’s V was a big hit for ABC, winning its time-slot by a substantial margin in the 18-49 year-old viewership. 13.9 million viewers tuned in (giving it a 5.0 rating and a 13 share) making it the fall season’s highest-rated series debut.

The show’s primary competition, the hit CBS show NCIS, had more overall viewers, but considerably fewer in the 18-49 demographic that advertisers pay top-dollar for (a 4.2 rating, 11 share). NCIS’s numbers were down 11% from its last first-run broadcast — a sign that some of its viewers were drawn to V.

The break-out success of V also affected the NBC hit The Biggest Loser, which was down 9% in the 18-49 demo, giving it its lowest ratings of the season.

V has been well-received by critics but the production has been troubled. ABC shut down production last month, replacing creative personnel, and will air only the first four episodes this month, ending on a cliffhanger. The show will return with nine more episodes in March.

The above numbers are all based on overnight ratings, and will be adjusted as additional “time-shifting” viewership numbers come in (people who record the show and watch it later, or watch in later online). So far, science-fiction shows such as Dollhouse, Heroes, Flash Forward, and Fringe have been among the shows that most benefit from improved ratings via time-shifting, so it’s a good bet that these numbers will make V look like even more of a hit.

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Four and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

It’s no Battlestar Galactica. Unlike the landmark SyFy series, V doesn’t completely reinvent and subvert its source material.

Then again, V’s source material — a 1980s mini-series and later a series — isn’t nearly as hackneyed as the original Battlestar Galactica.

Instead, the latest V is more of an “updating” of the original, telling the same general story, but with much better production values and special effects, and a snappier pace.

If you’re not familiar with the original V: friendly aliens called the “visitors” come to Earth, promising advanced technology in exchange for minerals to help their ailing world. But are they really as benevolent as they claim?

I flat-out loved the pilot for this latest series, which was my favorite pilot of the fall season. It’s bold, broad, action-based sci-fi. It also has plenty of nice homages to the original series, and yet the look and feel of it stands completely on its own.

For the record, it gets to the point faster than the original, since it assumes, probably correctly, that most viewers will be familiar with the story and will, therefore, already know what’s really going on.

Best of all, Morena Baccarin (Inara from Firefly) is absolutely sensational as Anna, the leader of the aliens (which is saying something, since the actress who played a similar part of “Diana” in the original series was also very memorable).

Baccarin plays the role with a demeanor that is at first disarming, but then grows increasingly creepy as questions set in.

That said, I’m not completely sure how much credit the producers of this show deserve given that they were handed a complete, tested storyline from the original V, and the pilot is just setting up that premise.

It’s true: they absolutely could have dumbed it down or screwed it up — God knows, it wouldn’t be the first remake to do so.

But it seems to me that it remains to be seen whether they can turn the terrific premise — set up so effectively here — into a full-fledged series. We already know that ABC was unhappy with the direction the show was going and shut down production for several months, replacing key creative personnel. They’re airing the first four episodes this month, but then shelving the rest of the retooled season until next March.

And I must confess: I thought Flash Forward had a terrific pilot too, and yet I’m already growing somewhat bored with the show itself.

Still, given how much I liked the first episode of V, I’ll definitely be giving it a chance.

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• Hilarious: five reasons it sucks to be a Joss Whedon fan. I don’t agree with all of this, but the writer knows his stuff — especially, “Nothing bad is ever Whedon’s fault.” Boy, is that true!

• This pathetic crank is all in a tither because science fiction now sometimes includes gay characters and women who actually do stuff: “Science fiction is a very male form of fiction,” he writes. But I’m pretty sure it’s a parody — it’s so perfect in its sad, irrelevant 1950s tone.

• I mentioned last week that ABC was being criticized for air pollution as a result of their plan to do sky-writing in 15 cities to promote next week’s V? Idea’s been scrapped.

• The Gathering Storm (the latest Wheel of Time book) is officially released, and at BYU bookstore in Utah at least (where Brandon Sanderson, the author, was signing), a lot of fans showed up at midnight on the 27th to buy it. (One person waited in line 41 hours!)

• So they’re officially casting the Conan remake. FilmSchoolRejects.com has the ages and ethnicities of the various characters. Interestingly, all the women seem to be in their early 20s while the men are all different ages. That should make the sexist crank I mentioned above very happy.

• A Harry Potter-themed “dinner,” which was supposedly not-for-profit, has been stopped by Warner Brother for copyright infringement. But here’s the really funny part: the organizer has renamed it the Generic Wizard Night!

• Okay, this is pretty cool. Stephen Spielberg and Peter Jackson are co-directing Tintin: the Secret of the Unicorn, but while Spielberg is on the set in Los Angeles, Jackson is in New Zealand, communicating via iChat!

• So everyone is waiting for the upcoming  Dragon Age: Origins game. In the meantime, Dragon Age Journeys is a recreation.