Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled: we will discuss the latest episodes of HBO’s gothic fantasy, True Blood. Ye have been warned …

Last week, Tara was brought to the house of super goth Russell Edgington and Talbot by the insane Franklin, which doesn’t bode well for Tara. Usually Tara’s the type of person who utterly surrenders to pain and misery. I understand and respect her for this. But she must have spent too much time around Sookie, because she’s starting to get spunky in the face of danger. Sigh. And there was so much hope for her.

The episode ended with Sookie and Bill being ambushed and taken hostage by Russell, and Sookie once again unleashing that light from her hands. Ugh. Even her superpowers are bright and perky.

This episode begins with the dead-crossed lovers being tossed into the foyer of Russell’s home, and Bill, who is always dependably goth, immediately stakes a skinhead vamp. Blood and entrails fly everywhere, which horrifies Talbot, who is only thinking about the mess it’s making. So not goth, Talbot. Russell orders Lorena to murder Bill in the basement. Well played, your majesty.

Later, Russell drags Sookie into a living room and demands she tell him what she really is, and why she was able to do that pesky lightbeam-thing. Sookie attempts to use feisty bravado to counter Russell’s supreme gothitude. Oh, Sookie, just stop trying. Please.

After his grilling of the perpetually blond Sookie, Russell takes Eric and heads to the home of Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen, where he has Eric rough her up and force her to agree to marry Russell for political reasons. This episode is getting gother by the second.

Tara takes the goth cake this week by tricking Franklin into thinking she loves him, seducing him, biting him and tearing into his flesh, waiting for him to fall asleep, and then bludgeoning him to a bloody pulp with a mace. Between that and Lorena torturing Bill in the basement, this week seems to showcase just how goth the ladies are. Even Sookie seems a little glummer than usual after thinking Bill is being murdered. Hell’s belles, indeed, my little monsters.

Well, my, my. It would seem we have one more hellish belle, as Baby Jessica makes short work of a horrifically rude customer. But then, she did it to make Arlene feel better, so I’m not sure if that counts as truly goth.

Of course, it takes a vampire to win the goth crown, and Lorena proves this when she ends the episode biting down on Sookie in what looks like a fatal embrace.

Fingers crossed that it works.

So there you have it, my demons and phantasmagoric fellows, our latest goth recap. I now send you all out into the night to wreak havoc among the living and bring dread into the hearts of the hopeful. I’d go with you, but I’m way too goth to do this myself … plus I just got a new Playstation game. It’s all right, though — it’s a totally goth.

• We have a lot of news out of Comic-Con this weekend, and while I’ve tried to slice off the fantasy portions, I’ve put together something of a Comic-Con Gallery of interesting photos over on the Facebook page of AfterElton.com as the weekend progressed you might like.

• But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say a few things about our superheroes, like the fact that Mark Ruffalo is indeed playing Hulk, and Jeremy Renner is Hawkeye. In fact, here we see The Avengers assemble for the first time: Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, Clark Gregg as Agent Coulson, Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Chris Evans as Captain America, Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner / Incredible Hulk, and Director Joss Whedon.

• Guillermo del Toro left The Hobbit for a Haunted Mansion movie, but he swears what got people most excited at his panel, “where we had a house at full capacity, with 6000 asses levitated by both pieces of footage” was for his horror film Are You Afraid of the Dark starring Katie Holmes. That’s why she made the front page.

• Supernatural is filming the impossible sixth season, and they swear it doesn’t suck. Dean is living the domestic life for a year, thinking Sam is dead when he gets sucked back into hunting. They also planned a meta episode (my favorites are the meta episodes) about vampires, and how real vampires are having a feeding frenzy because girls want to date Edward Cullen. Supernatural vampires aren’t cuddly like “pasty, waify” vampires from Twilight and Vampire Diaries.

• As long as we’re talking about vampires, you may as well see this trailer for the second half of True Blood. It seems to me we’ve just been setting the pieces in place so far. Things haven’t even begun to get interesting.

• Speaking of vicious vampires, Priest was a big hit at Comic-Con. I don’t know whether to view this as sci-fi or fantasy, but vampires have driven humans into walled cities. Priests are genetically engineered super-soldiers meant to fight them. Let Twilight’s Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q, and Karl Urban explain.

• And so you can decide for yourself if these are vampires we’d recognize in any normal sense of the word, here’s the trailer for Priest. I think they’d have Edward Cullen for lunch.

• Dragon Age: Origins announced some upcoming DLC this weekend. Don’t expect much in the way of story: this is a dungeon designed for high-level players to hack their way through hordes of enemies in an unforgiving environment.

• Zack Snyder sat down with MTV to talk about Xerxes. He’s careful not to call it a prequel or a sequel, since the graphic novel they’re using as a book takes place over the same three days as 300 happened. He’s not even against trying to get Gerard Butler into somehow, even if I am.

• The Cape is a weird mix. It seems to have a disgraced cop trying to clear his name donning a costume from one of his son’s comic books, but also using basic magician tricks and illusion in the hunt for bad guys. But some bad guys are better than others since he lives with a group of circus clown bank robbers. I’d watch this one early, because it sounds too weird to gain an audience.

• We got the first trailer of Ironclad at Comic-Con, with Paul Giamatti as King John storming a castle, complete with some major catapults.

• Killruddery House and Gardens (pics at link) has been de-modernized to stand in for the palace in Starz’ Camelot in Northern Ireland. They’ve added replica gates to take the castle back to a more medieval look, and stars Ralph Fiennes and Jamie Campbell-Bowers have already raced up to the front on horseback as Merlin and King Arthur. I have to say it looks more “right” than the French castle they use in Merlin.

• In the side bar on the front page, we’ve been running the teaser for The Goon, the animated zombie film that David Fincher is trying to make. There’s still no studio funding this beyond a short, which is a shame, because I’m not sure we’ve seen anything quite like it before. Here’s the animated short the teaser was cut from. Somebody please make this.

• Most of the UK is buzzing about A Game of Thrones, one of the few properties not at Comic-Con this weekend since they only just began shooting. But they’re calling it the most anticipated television show ever, and the only thing the article compares the show to is Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, which is pretty exclusive company to keep. It also offers the best summary of what it is I’ve read yet, “A Game of Thrones is high fantasy; although with a lot more swords than sorcery. It’s a world of prophecies, exiled princesses, talking crows and magical trees. There’s lots of death and lots of sex; the world is relentlessly bleak and war is hell.” This is also the first place I remember reading that the BBC has a stake in the show, which will matter to our British readers.

• On Friday we mentioned Drive Angry 3D, and showed some demonic concept art. The first footage that was released doesn’t really show any of that, just Nic Cage playing the same Nic Cage character he always plays, this time with a more traditional hairpiece than The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

• Thor is a weird property: he’s a Norse God, but he exists in the same Marvel universe as Iron Man’s technology. So it should be as no surprise when he falls to earth, cast out by Odin, he’s taken to an Area-51 style facility. But the reports out of Comic-con say that while he is a God, science is king to the story, and most of it takes place on Earth. Here’s Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston (Loki) in front of Odin’s throne, with the Destroyer armor behind them.

• Another big movie with a lot of expectations is Let Me In, which is an American remake of the classic Swedish vampire film Let the Right One In. There’s been much discussion about whether this remake was necessary, but I’ll be honest, it’s tough to maintain tension with an American audience with subtitles.

• But while the poster is bleak, I’m not going to lie to you, Marge, the trailer creeps me out. Children as vampires isn’t often done, and in most cases they’re considered abominations, and this doesn’t seem to be the route they’re taking here. Color me intrigued.

• And finally, I know this column is long, and it’s epic, but I can’t leave without sharing the sizzle reel for Mega Python vs. Gatoroid from SyFy. It’s got teen queens Deborah Gibson and Tiffany in an epic fight scene worthy of Dynasty, and Tiffany’s cleavage is working overtime.

Welcome back, Hellspawn, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com, wherein we dance once more to the dark refrain of that titillating vampiric romp, True Blood. As we all know, no one is gother than us here, and we prove it by delivering unto your dark souls these totally dark recaps. Just don’t tell our mom, because she’ll ground us. With evil.

If you can reach through the murky depths of your black despair and remember, last week Tara was brought to the house of Russell Edgington by the nastiness known as Franklin. After she’s sniffed at by Russell’s lover, Talbot, Russell returns with Bill and that bastion of wickedness, Lorena. In true goth fashion, Bill pretends he doesn’t know Tara. Even gother? They’re all covered in the blood of the stripper they had been devouring.

Later, Eric shows up and they drink blood out of martini glasses. This show is on a goth roll for once. I’m just glad Sookie isn’t around to spoil it with her perky blond ponytail and adorable smile. Ugh … I shudder with ennui.

Meanwhile, Franklin’s obsessive love for Tara grows to the point where he ties her up and puts her in a lacy mumu. That’s beyond goth — that’s flat out disturbing.

At Merlotte’s, Tommy flirts with Baby Jessica. Ugh, so not goth. Moving on.

Then Jason takes off his shirt and flirts with Crystal. Hey, this is getting less goth by the minute …

Then Jesus starts flirting with Lafayette. Aw, come on! Where’s all the goth go?

Ah, there we go. As we return to goth form, brought to us naturally by the ever-goth Bill, our dark hero smashes some faces in and escapes from Russell’s mansion after hearing that Sookie was in Mississippi. If only Sookie wasn’t mentioned, that would have been the perfect goth sentence.

Speaking of Sookie, this quasi-dark episode ends with her stunning Cooter with a beam of light.

Wait, what?

Welcome back, children of the night, to the dark and shadowy dark shadows of TheTorchOnline.com. Herein we take a look at the most recent episodes of True Blood and see if they’re as truly goth as we are. Because we are totally goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled: we will discuss the most goth elements of the latest episodes in detail. Ye have been warned …

As we all know, Sookie is currently on the road with the werewolf Alcide looking for Bill, who’s gone missing. Rather than surrendering to the darkness that surrounds all of our lives, she is fighting to keep the light in. We don’t like Sookie.

Fortunately for us, Bill, who had just had incredibly angsty and neck-twisting sex with Lorena, is there for us to bring the goth. He always manages to inject an unbelievably bleak, depressing mood into any situation. We like Bill. As much as our wicked, black hearts can like someone, that is.

Meanwhile, Eric is having sexy daydreams about Sookie. Oh, Eric. She’s all perkiness and blond ponytails. Can’t you see that you should be with someone cold, mean, and dark-hearted, like Pam?

Now this is more like it. As we all know, the perpetually-distraught Tara has given herself over to the pain and darkness in life and got herself involved with that really ugly British vampire, Franklin. I think she made the right choice. Sure, it may have gotten her tied up on a toilet and left all alone, but really, isn’t that just a metaphor for everyone’s daily life in this rotten world?

But all good things must come to an end, and so Franklin returns and liberates Tara from her porcelain prison, only to tie her up again and bring her to the home of Russell Edgington, the Vampire King of Mississippi, and his lover Talbot. We don’t know exactly what’s afoot, but you can tell it’s something extraordinarily goth.

Ugh. Tragic. Don’t even try, Sookie.

Back at Fangtasia, the super-goth Magister has discovered Eric’s drug ring, in which he sells V to eager customers. For those not in the True Blood inner circle, V is vampire blood. Selling your own blood like a drug? That’s about as goth as you get.

And finally, the Vampire King of Mississippi has one more goth trick in store for us as he closes out the episode by opening up his own veins and feeding his blood to a room full of filthy, dark werewolves.

Nice move, King. We’ll have to retreat to our coffins and try to come up with an even gother maneuver. Until next week, my little monsters. You can see yourselves out, of course. Just don’t knock over any of the satanic candles on your way out.

Because I can’t afford to replace any of my rugs. But, like, in a goth way.

Okay, I know that Buffy didn’t invent the wheel.

I know that Joss Whedon liberally borrowed from Anne Rice when creating his epic vampire series, and that Rice herself had taken a cue from plenty of other authors, Bram Stoker being one of the big ones.

But I think we can all agree that when a certain valley girl staked her way into our hearts in 1997, something special happened.

Sure, the 1992 Buffy movie was a silly camp-fest. But thankfully, the stars aligned for Whedon when the then-fledgling WB network wanted to turn the film into a series, and the rest is history. Buffy the Vampire Slayer became one of the most influential television shows of the past two decades, made stars of its young cast, and basically invented the TV genre of urban fantasy.

So isn’t it crazy how everyone is ripping it off and not giving it credit?

Does anyone remember that genius episode of South Park entitled “Simpsons Already Did It,” in which Butters realized anything that could possibly happen in the town of South Park had already been covered by The Simpsons?

That’s sort of the case with vampire shows these days, only in this case, The Simpsons is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and South Park is, well, everything else.

The biggest vampire properties these days are True Blood, Twilight, and The Vampire Diaries. All of them, interestingly, based on book series, and two of those three series were written after Buffy had gone on the air.

In all fairness, the Vampire Diaries book series, which featured a high school girl who fell in love with a vampire, was published in 1991, six years before the Buffy series aired. Therefore, they get a pass.

The other guys? Not so much.

Like The Twilight Zone before it, Buffy changed the game and influenced a huge amount of projects that came after it.

Let’s break it down:

Twilight, which was published in 2005 (2 years after Buffy wrapped), featured a high school girl who falls in love with a vampire. Their love is angsty and forbidden, and the vampire lover, Edward, resists having sex with her lest he lose control. Not a far cry from the situation with Buffy and her undead beau, Angel, in the beginning of the series.

Twilight also features Jacob, a werewolf with a gigantic crush, not unlike Oz, played by Seth Green, who premiered in the second season of Buffy.

Dead Until Dark, the novel which became the inspiration for the entire first season of True Blood, centers around Sookie, a perky blond waitress with telepathic abilities, who begins a steamy romance with a vampire named Bill. Sookie is tormented by her ability to read minds, and finds it refreshing that she can’t hear the thoughts of a vampire.

Great plot, right? It was even better when it appeared in the “Earshot” episode of Buffy, which aired in 1999, two years before Dead Until Dark was published.

And the influence extends beyond just these shows. Daybreakers, which came out earlier this year, took place in a world overrun by vampires, in which they harvest human blood with advanced machinery. Of course, this idea was already explored in the third season Buffy episode “The Wish.”

Blade: Trinity, which featured the extremely Buffyish Abigail (Jessica Biel), had a plot which took a known vampire slayer — Blade — and put him up against Dracula … a la the fifth season opener, “Buffy vs. Dracula.”

Even the campy, low-budget soap Dante’s Cove had a character named Van, a lesbian witch who became intoxicated by her own power, leading to tragedy. Sound familiar? It should, as that was pulled right from Willow’s arc in Buffy’s sixth season.

As stated earlier, I’m well aware that Buffy itself pulled from a lot of different sources, but there’s no question that, whether consciously or not, many authors are directly influenced by the plots of the ground-breaking show. I actually believe that most authors are unaware if their stories may seem a little too similar to Buffy, as the show has become so much a part of the cultural fabric — particularly among fantasy fans — that the influence may very well be entirely subliminal.

So, who knows? Maybe the future will bring us genre stories that feel less derivative. But until someone massively reimagines the vampire mythos, chances are they’ll still bare a passing resemblance to our Sunnydale cheerleader and her adventures.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

Welcome back, children of the night, to the dark and shadowy dark shadows of TheTorchOnline.com. Feast in our unholy revelry and evil, evil wine coolers.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled: we will discuss the latest episodes of HBO’s gothic fantasy, True Blood. Ye have been warned …

In our last goth recap, we saw that the undead vampire Bill Compton had been kidnapped by evil werewolves. You don’t much gother than that, my dead friends, and this episode began with our hero awash in a sea of totally goth danger, as he viciously fought off the sinister lycans.

Since had just drained the blood of an elderly woman (SO goth), he was able to overwhelm and kill most of his lupine attackers. But then the Vampire King of Mississippi , Russell Edgington, (goth) showed up and put an end to the killing (not goth).

Meanwhile, Sookie is angsty and upset. Join the club, Sookie, and surrender to life’s misery like the rest of us. She still thinks she can bring her rays of light into this dark world of ours, so she pleads for help from Eric. Bad idea, as we all know Eric is one of ours, meaning he’s dark, dark, and dark.

Bill is brought to the King’s house and meets his lover, Talbot, who delights in showing Bill their decidedly non-goth lair. Whatever happened to cobwebs and satanic candles? People have no taste these days.

Everything about the above picture makes my eyes hurt. Let’s move on, shall we, my wicked minions?

Family reunions? Siblings cleaning floors is a sunlit kitchen? The demons inside me do not like the path this episode seems to be going down …

Much better … three vampires sitting around a table, speaking of death while drinking blood … this, my little monsters, is what being goth is all about. I knew if we waited long enough, we would get the demonic energy flowing again.

(For those keeping track, let the record show that we’re seriously goth. We don’t like sunlight. Ever.)

And if you can’t be a full-blooded creature of darkness and have to settle for shapeshifting, a good way to be truly goth is to try to kill your brother while in animal form. Yes. We will accept that as goth.

Flashbacking to your time as a vampire Nazi impersonator tracking a werewolf will also suffice. But let’s not get too carried away with flashbacks … they ruined some perfectly good episodes of Angel.

Naturally, Bill outgoths us all when he sees Lorena, the woman who sired him, sashaying around the mansion of the king like she owns the place. Falling into a deep and despair-fueled rage, he hurls a lantern at her, setting her on fire. SO goth.

So there we have it, my demonic brethren: the goth recap for the second episode of that cruel mistress, True Blood. Be sure to come back next week when we delve even deeper into the murky darkness of the werewolf nightlife. Till then, my demons, I’m off to my coffin. You can see yourselves out. Just don’t turn on any lights, because, you know … goth.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

Who’s ready for more sexy?

After our poll in which you all voted for Legend of the Seeker’s Kahlan Amnell as the sexiest woman of the past year’s fantasy entertainment, it’s time to bring on the men!

Once again, let’s get the ground rules out of the way. First and foremost, we are judging the characters, not the actors, on their sex appeal. The difference is subtle, sure, but it’s there. For example, despite Sam Worthington’s handsome looks and fit body, his Perseus may not exactly have started your heart a-racin’ in Clash of the Titans … but you can feel free to correct us in the polls if you see fit.

Second, these are fantasy characters we’re looking for, not sci-fi. We take a broad view of the fantasy genre — high fantasy, low fantasy, medieval fantasy, and supernatural fantasy — but specifically science-related speculative fiction is out.

And finally, the characters have to have appeared in some new work of entertainment in the 2009-2010 season.

Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Begin the cavalcade of men!

Jason Stackhouse

So he’s kind of a tool and not that bright … big deal. Jason Stackhouse, played by Ryan Kwanten, is the lothario of Bon Temps, Louisiana on HBO’s racy True Blood, and it sure doesn’t hurt that he seems to have an allergy to clothing.

Eric

Speaking of True Blood, while genteel southern vampire Bill Compton may have captured the heart of the heroine Sookie, even she can’t deny the animal magnetism of the super-hot vampire sheriff, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard).

Eggs

Our last True Blood hunk is the delicious Benedict Talley, known to his buddies as Eggs. Get it? Eggs Benedict? As played by Mehcad Brooks, he seems pretty appetizing to me.

Dastan

Based on a video game franchise of humble beginnings, Jake Gyllenhaal wowed movie-goers when he proved he has what it takes to be an action star as the dashing Dastan in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. But did he wow you enough to win your vote?

Richard

Considering his true love took the crown for Sexiest Woman of Fantasy, methinks our boy Richard Rahl (Craig Horner) here has a pretty good shot. Over the past two seasons, fans of Legend of the Seeker were witness to the young Lord Rahl coming of age and growing into the hero he was born to be. And what’s sexier than that?

Alistair

Prince Dastan (above) is based on an animated character in a video game, but Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins is a character in a video game. So what?  Just as the sexy enchantress Morrigan was a nominee in our sexy female poll, the hunky Grey Warden Alistair (voiced by Steve Valentine) would surely be on any list of the year’s sexiest male characters.

Spartacus

When Spartacus: Blood and Sand hit the airwaves this past January, no one knew quite what to expect from the show that made a lot of promises to stretch the boundaries of what you could show on television. But it turns out they delivered and then some, and while doing so gave us the immortal hotness that is Spartacus, as played by Andy Whitfield.

Crixus

Spartacus’ enemy-turned-ally, Crixus (Manu Bennett) was the last one to drink the Spartacus Kool-Aid, spending most of his time in the first season as a nasty bully who tortured our poor hero. But you know what? He mostly did it naked, so all’s forgiven.

Pietros

Not everyone likes their men huge and hulking. Starting as a character hovering in the backgrounds, Pietros quickly revealed himself to be a sweet and compassionate man, who was fiercely devoted to his lover, Barca. Sure, his ending may have been quick and tragic, but at least we got a little time to get to know him. And though he may not have had the he-man muscles of the gladiators, check out that slammin’ six-pack!

So there are our official nominees. But if you want someone not mentioned on the list, check the “Other” box in the poll and mention the name in the comments! And stay tuned to find out who won in a week!

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

Welcome, children of the dark, to the murkiest corners of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

For those too gothed out to remember, last season of True Blood ended with the morbid killing of Eggs, who was under control of that super-dark Maenad, Marianne. Also, Bill proposed to Sookie (that is totally not goth, by the way) but was vamp-napped before she could answer.

This season begins with Sookie running out of the restaurant to look for him, but he’s long gone and no one will help her. Surrender to hopelessness and despair, Sookie. We all have.

It turns out that Bill has been kidnapped by a gang of werewolves. As I roll my eyes, I must ask, “Who hasn’t?” Anyway, they are totally into drinking his blood for the high of it. Pssh. Amateurs.

Speaking of amateurs, Bill’s protege, Baby Jessica, accidentally killed someone. Again, who hasn’t?

So I guess Sookie is running around, trying to find Bill. Apparently she doesn’t understand the concept behind surrendering to hopelessness and despair. She goes to Fangtasia (finally, people who understand what it means to be goth) and gets an eyeful of Pam … and then a real eyeful of Eric and one of his new lady dancers mid-act. If I had a pulse, it would quicken. But I don’t, because I’m totally dead inside.

Remember that episode of Buffy when Willow sees her vampire self, and is shocked to find her evil, and skanky, and kind of gay? Well, Pam is basically just Evil Willow, and that’s why I love her. Well, uh, I mean, I would love her, if my heart was capable of love and wasn’t just the dried, decaying shell it truly is.

After that bit of weirdness, Sookie finds Tara at her house, and fortunately, Tara knows what it means to embrace the darkness in your soul. She’s upset about Eggs being killed, and rather than rise above the torment and find an inner strength, she collapses under the weight of the intolerable pain that is the mortal condition. As one should.

Meanwhile, Sam is on a mission to find his family … again, so not goth. But he does have an interesting dream in which Bill comes to his motel room and invites him into the shower. So you’re into Bill now, Sam? You should join the dark side, kill Sookie, and take what your wicked heart wants. Just saying.

Back at Fangtasia, the Magister comes with the Vampire Queen to inquire why so much V is being sold in the area. No, not the show about the aliens, that is totally not goth. V is vampire blood. Duh. The Queen and Eric are working together to sell it, but the Magister doesn’t know that. Sigh. I’m not sure there’s that much darkness in this plot, so I’m movin on.

Bill finds a kindly old woman and drinks her blood. Thank you for saving the totally non-goth roll the show was just on, Bill! We need more like you. He sort of ruins it by being nice to her afterward, though. The world is nothing but pain, so what’s the point of ever being nice?

Now that he’s juiced on old lady-blood, he’s ready to face the werewolves in a who’s-more-evil-smackdown …

So that’s it for this week, you demons. Remember to slink back to this unholy cesspool next week, when I’ll emerge from my coffin once again to regale you with only the gothest of stories …

… because I’m goth.

Seriously goth.

(Like a lot.)

• Apparently Disney has created a first-of-its-kind application for Facebook with which you can buy tickets to the upcoming Toy Story 3 without leaving the Facebook site, and you can encourage your Facebook buddies to come along. Sing it with me now: “I can show you the world … buying tickets on Faaaacebook. Tell me, Princess, now when did you last let your friends deciiiiide ….”

• I’m not sure if I outed myself about this on The Torch yet, but I am a HUGE fan of True Blood. Oh, the trashy deliciousness of it all! So be still my geeky heart when I read this article, which contains some wonderful, not-too-spoilery previews.

• You can thank my fellow Palantir-seer Ed Kennedy for this one. I laughed for a good long while after he posted this picture on AfterElton.com. Why are you always funnier than me, Kennedy?!

• This seems really cool and really strange: Dustin Lance Black, who penned the Oscar-winning Milk, is writing and directing 3 Story: The Secret History of the Giant Man, an adaptation of a graphic novel about a man who grows to be three stories tall, told from the perspectives of his mother, wife, and daughter (their takes on it being the titular three stories).

• Wanna see a sneak preview of what Captain America’s costume might look like? Oh, please. Like I had to ask.

• Ready for some more pictures of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows old-age epilogue? Here’s what concerns me: they went too far. The characters should be in their 30’s, yet the men look like they’re in their 50’s.

• Is anyone out there a big-time Alias fan? As a superfan of kick-ass women, I was thrilled to discover that ABC is considering reviving the Alias franchise — a franchise rife with mysticism, prophecies, and other fantastical plotlines — but bummed that it seems to be without Jennifer Garner, who was really responsible for making the show so great the first time around. Still, after the untimely demise of Legend of the Seeker, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and Dollhouse, we are starved for a female action hero to go postal on the small screen in the style of Buffy and Xena, and in that spirit, I offer you one of the best fight scenes ever to appear on television, from the Season 2 finale of Alias:

• The first six pages of the True Blood comic are up for your perusal, and they haven’t toned things down much from the pay cable show. I’m not thrilled with the art – there’s something about how the women are drawn that’s distracting to me.

• In case you didn’t watch Vampire Diaries last night, they ran a promo for True Blood. Being broadcast TV, it’s pretty tame, but we have a few new sneak peeks.

• As long as I’m on the subject, this “Invitation To The Set” for True Blood seemed to hint at a little more violence and angst.

• Kurt Russell is coming back to the movies, this time as a private detective hired by a mysterious Delia, and he finds the case takes him in and out of a literal hell or underworld. It was originally titled Reaper, now they’re going with Undying.

• I don’t know how to describe The Last City, and normally would not even bother showing a promo reel of a film that doesn’t seem to have much more than a concept, but when you’ve got Robert Duvall narrating the promo reel, there’s a decent chance the film will amount to something, even it is a 1940s gangster-esque movie set on post-apocalyptic earth.

• I wouldn’t normally bring up Transformers 3 here either, but they’ve signed Alan Tudyk to the film, and I know we have a lot of Whedonverse folk around. Nobody knows much about the movie, so I can’t tell you whether Tudyk’s role is vocalizing a Transformer, or if he’s a human. There is speculation that there could be an Autobot transforming into a boat, though.

• Jimmy Kimmel is coming to primetime June 23 for a special with the holy trinity of Twilight, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner. Darn! I planned to do anything else that night.

• Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) should probably never be trusted – with the headmaster’s life, the evil plan, or the secrets to the ending of Deathly Hallows. In this case, he’s spilling about how they intend to age the cast for the final scene, and it’s not going to be all CGI. Prosthetics and body language coaches have been employed to make it as memorable as possible.

• As you all know, I don’t know much about Lost. The more I read about the run-up to the finale, the more justified I feel about my decision not to care. Hurley expresses my feelings perfectly.

• Books about weird old houses are in fashion, and the folks over at io9.com finally got around to reading The Sorcerer’s House. It’s billed as a lightweight, stand-alone urban fantasy novel, with werewolves, magic, haunted houses, and fairies.

• This article uses giant diagrams and pages of analysis to prove that Iron Man is a superhero for the 21^st century/Gen X/Gen Y. But it really comes down to the money quote. If Spider-Man was “with great power comes great responsibility,” Tony Stark means Iron Man is “with great power comes a sh*t-ton of fun.” I kind of agree – I enjoy Tony Stark as much as I enjoy the armored fight scenes.

• For reasons not apparent to me, ABC has renewed V for another season. Did the show bore anyone else? Also, since it’s sort of a genre show, NBC did pick up Chuck for a 13-episode season, no sandwich purchase required.

• In The Secret Mission of the Terminator, I don’t believe for a second that Skynet runs on Windows, because we could overthrow it during a reboot. I think this was all about that cursed music playing in the background. I would have used an RPG too, if I were him.

• IFC Films launched a new genre lable, IFC Midnight, that will specialize in horror, scifi, erotic arthouse, action and other styles. Initially launching primarily via video on demand, eventually media will be distributed as well, with a few films making theaters, like The Human Centipede.

• SyFy has acquired the rights to Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) about a pair of British detectives, where Hopkirk was killed in the line of duty but returns as a ghost visible only to Randall. They’re hoping for a one hour scripted drama series out of it.

• If you’re a Tolkien fan, particularly the Shire, go look at this ridiculously detailed diorama/dollhouse based on Bag End. I can’t even begin to do it justice, just trust me.

• And finally, because we all need a laugh heading into the weekend, take a look at Gritty Superhero Reboot from the folks at CollegeHumor.com

Have a great weekend!

Three and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

To marshal in the third season of True Blood (June 13), Charlaine Harris‘ tenth Sookie Stackhouse novel, Dead in the Family, was released this week. There’s even a mention of the True Blood theme song playing in Merlotte’s, in case you thought all that HBO money sitting in Harris’ bank account had escaped her notice.

Weirdly enough, Dead in the Family feels like the second book/movie in a trilogy, the filler that exposits what happened in the first book/movie and goes about the tedious task of moving chess pieces in place for the next book/movie. Harris is beloved for her ability to write romance and action equally well, but there wasn’t much of either in this book.

Now that the Faery War is over, Shreveport is dealing with the fallout. Everyone has lost loved ones, and Sookie, especially, is having a hard time with her grief. Her emotional turmoil and Harris’ exploration of what truly constitutes a family/pack are the central themes of the book, the only threads that seem to make a cohesive narrative out of the other storylines.

Eric is trying adjust to the new Vampire King, who has trained his eye on Eric and Sookie. In the absence of any real, well, action in their story as a couple, Eric’s lines are colored in with plenty of exposition. Poor Bill — if you’re the kind of person who can work up sympathy for Bill — is still on the mend after being silver poisoned.

The middle chunk of Dead in the Family is all politics: Were vs. Vamp, Government vs. Shifters, and inter-family power struggles. While it’s probably necessary to delve into those topics if you want a fully fleshed-out Sookie-verse, the meandering certainly didn’t provide the urgency that usually causes readers to tear through Harris’ books in one sitting.

Sookie’s new catchphrase is “Geez Louise!” is very Sookie, but her wide eyes and plucky tenacity are darkened considerably by the end of Dead in the Family.

As always, Harris explains the entire Sookie-verse to help out new readers, but this one really isn’t for the uninitiated. I confess to not having read all ten Sookies, but I’m an avid reader; rarely does a series book introduce themes and plots I can’t pick up on. Dead in the Family makes me think I should really start from the beginning if I want the real Shreveport experience. Of course, I’ve read enough Sookie to know that there’s no way in hell I’d want her kind of “real Shreveport experience.”

Looking to buy anything True Blood-related (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.