Hello, fans of blood, gore, and general yuckiness, and welcome to another installment of the column that, like the Spike TV hit Deadliest Warrior, pits famous warriors against each other. (But in our case, we match famous fantasy warriors!)

Last time we checked in to see who would win in a fight between an Uruk-hai and a Skeleton Warrior. The result? A complete bonebath as the Uruk stood victorious.

This week we turn our attention to a grudge match that has been going on for a while among aficionados of the undead. Vampires are, of course, a force to be reckoned with, and while the general rules tend to be the same — drink human blood, killed by sunlight — the details changedepending on which pack of blood-drinkers you’re dealing with.

For example, according to vampire journalist Anne Rice, vampires have no aversion to crucifixes at all, whereas in the laws explained to us by student of the undead Joss Whedon, if a cross touches a vampire, said vamp will sizzle and burn, and eventually die.

We’ve brought in two experts to shed more light onto the situation. Up first, we have Azriel LeFeau, a resident of New Orleans and follower of the creatures of the night.

“The thing to remember about vampires,” moans Azriel, “is that they are here, walking among us, seeing our world with supernatural eyes and longing to be part of it, and yet they can never be so. Their greatest gift is their greatest tragedy. And that, my friend, that is their beauty.”

He wipes a tear from his eye, smearing his Midnight Black Eyeliner.

“You think you know what it is to feel? You can never know truly what a feeling is until you’ve been given the Dark Gift.”

Uh-huh. But what about taking on a Sunnydale vamp?

“It’s simple. The vampires in California are weak, but even worse, they’re ugly. What’s with their faces? That squished skin thing above their eyes? Ew. Vampires should be beautiful. Plus, Sunnydale vampires have too much fun. They should understand that life is nothing but pain.”

Moving on, we now take a closer look at said squished-skinned vampires. Joining us for this exercise is Adriana Van Salazar, a personal trainer and martial arts instructor living in Sunnydale, California.

“Okay, the thing about the vampires we have here is that they are kick-ass. No matter what they were in life, they inevitably learn a style of martial arts known as Vamp Fu. It’s a lot of jumping and spin-kicking. Professional stunt people wish they could move like that. Now, from what I understand, their social behavior is similar to that of the vampires in New Orleans, in that younger vamps act as drones, more or less, for older, more powerful vamps. There’s just one noticeable difference.”

Which is?

“The New Orleans vampires are pussies.”

So you’re hedging your bets on the Sunnydale vampires, then?

“No contest. They would cream those N’Arleans bloodsuckers.”

“Impossible!” Azriel shouts. “Those brainless Californian vampires could destroy the likes of Lestat de Lioncourt?!”

“Well, not just any one of them could. The newer ones would probably be get a beat down, but if you’re talking about someone like Spike or Angel … hell, even Drusilla, then yeah.”

“But, but..” Azriel sputters, “do they know how to feel?”

Adriana’s retort? “Yo, seriously, where did you find this kid?”

We took all of the info and fed it into the battle simulation computer. On paper, the New Orleans vampires seem more formidable: they are unaffected by garlic, crosses, and stakes through the heart. They can control the minds of mortals and read their thoughts, and with age many are able to fly. They have exceptional physical strength and speed and can mimic any physical action. Some can even set things on fire using only their mind. Many are telekinetic.

The Sunnydale vampires, on the other hand, are prey to almost all the classic vampire-killing methods: stakes, crosses, holy water, beheading, etc. Their mind powers are pretty much nil.

The result?

New Orleans vampires win in 95% of our battle simulations.

“Shenanigans!” Adriana yells.

Azriel, in a surprisingly upbeat motion, jumps up and down giddily. “See? I told you! Not so tough now, are — ”

He is unable to finish his sentence and Adriana spin-kicks him in the face.

Join us next time for the third installment of Deadliest FANTASY Warrior!

Battle #2: Joss Whedon’s Vampires vs. Anne Rice’s Vampires

Winner: Anne Rice’sVampires

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When people think of fantasy, they tend to think of rings to be destroyed or dragons to be slain. But at the heart of many — if not most — fantasy tales is a love story. This isn’t to say we don’t enjoy the destroying of the ring or the slaying of the dragon. But it’s often the love story, when done right, that makes us care.

Here are some of fantasy’s best, most memorable love stories:

Guinevere and Lancelot

The mythology surrounding King Arthur and his knights is dizzying in its complexity, and there is no one true canonical account of how things went down in Camelot. But no matter who’s telling the story, most agree on one thing: something hot and heavy happens with the king’s wife and his best knight. The affair of Lancelot and Guinevere is legendary, and whether it’s told with sympathy or harsh judgment, the fact remains we just can’t stop talking about it.

Robin Hood and Maid Marian

He robbed from the rich and stole from the poor. She was rich, but totally dug his politics. Whether it’s Errol Flynn’s flamboyant fey archer or Kevin Costner’s brooding everyman, Robin has always fought the good fight, all the while being outlawed by the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John. And girls just love their bad boys, don’t they?

Buttercup and Westley

A love affair between a farm boy and a…well, we never really knew exactly what she was before the movie gets going…is torn asunder when said farm boy, Westley, leaves to find his fortune and is allegedly killed by pirates. Buttercup, numb and unhappy, then becomes betrothed to the prince until she is abducted by some baddies, then abducted again by the Dread Pirate Roberts, a dashing masked fencer in black. But, oh! Who is under that mask but good old Westley, and when Buttercup is let in on the secret, the sparks fly again and never stop.

Willow and Tara

This is easily one of the most unique and beautiful love stories that ever played out on television. TV is shamefully lacking in both quality and quantity in its representation of LGBT characters, but one show was brave enough to unapologetically follow two women who fall in love…who also happen to be demon-fighting witches. Seen on the cult hit Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the relationship between Willow and Tara was often the most stable on a show full of heterosexual relationships, and brilliantly and touchingly portrayed by Allyson Hannigan and Amber Benson. The purity of their love made it that much more shocking when Tara was senselessly killed by a villain who wasn’t even gunning for her.

Han Solo and Princess Leia

Star Wars is science fiction, you say, not fantasy? Take a closer look at it and you’ll see it’s simply the story of a prince rescuing a princess — with swords and magic, no less! In any event, when we first met Han and Leia, she is a brat and he is a scoundrel. That’s more or less what they are at the end of the story as well, except for two things: they have successfully helped to overthrow the empire, and they have fallen very much in love. The pivotal moment in their relationship occurs in The Empire Strikes Back, and is a scene that has been scorched into the memory of many a young romantic. Han has been captured by Darth Vader, and is about to be frozen in carbonite as Leia looks on. Things are looking pretty bad. Terrified for his life, Leia can’t help herself and finally admits, “I love you.” Han, in true tough guy form, looks at her and replies, “I know.” But in his eyes we see just how much he loves her in return.

Jean Grey and Scott Summers

First introduced in the early 60’s, the two X-men codenamed Phoenix and Cyclops have been through a lot, and so has their relationship. But somehow, they always seem to make it work…even though she’s dead right now. (But don’t expect that to last.) As one of Marvel Comics’ flagship couples, their love was never tested more than during that Hamlet of comic book storylines known as the Phoenix Saga. Jean is given godlike abilities, and upon losing herself in her absolute power, she absentmindedly destroys an inhabited world. She, Scott, and the rest of the X-Men then fight off an army sent to bring her down until ultimately she sacrifices herself, believing she’s too much of a risk to stay alive. Then other things happen. She comes back bad. Then she comes back good. It gets confusing. It’s still confusing. But one thing that has never been confusing is the strength of their passionate bond.

Lestat and, Well, Everybody

Before she found Jesus and ruined her career, Anne Rice cultivated a series of novels called The Vampire Chronicles, which centered on Lestat, a pansexual rock star vampire. Lestat quickly became an icon for his fluid sexuality and outrageous behavior, and his lovers were many, yet he managed to imbue each love affair with a seemingly intense significance. Chief among his mates were Louis, his perpetually gloomy best friend, and Gabrielle, who in his former human life was…his mom. (Even the undead have oedipal issues.) It was Lestat’s ability to voraciously love and be loved by many that’s made him an icon to emo kids everywhere.

Beauty and the Beast

Before you protest a children’s movie being on the list, think back to that first time you watched Disney’s Beauty and the Beast and tell me you weren’t enamored by Belle’s quirky innocence and intrigued by the Beast’s agitated longing. True, she was his prisoner, and this might be the most romantic case of Stockholm’s Syndrome ever committed to film, but that scene where he dressed up for dinner and she joined him in her iconic yellow gown is forever etched in our collective memory. And when he swept her along the dance floor, we all sighed and enjoyed this tale as old as time as though it were the first we’ve heard of it.

Sam and Frodo

There are many kinds of love in this world, and a love story doesn’t have to tell of a passionate affair that ends in the bedroom. In The Lord of the Rings, Frodo is sent on a journey that will almost certainly lead to his death, and without hesitation his loyal servant, gardener, and best friend Sam volunteers to accompany and protect him. The humble hobbits then face a world’s worth of danger, and the key to their survival is their true and honest love for each other. Much has been speculated about the true meaning of their relationship (in the end, Sam is torn between marrying another hobbit named Rosie or living with Frodo, and at Frodo’s urging does both), but whether those hugs and kisses shared between them meant anything more than friendship is ultimately up to individual interpretation. Whatever the measure of their love, they went to hell and back together, and we’re lucky to have tagged along.

Superman and Lois Lane

This one goes without saying. Even someone who has never cracked open a comic book knows of the relationship between the last scion of Krypton and the feisty Daily Planet ace reporter. Lois and Clark have been together from the very beginning — since Action Comics issue #1 in 1938, then spanning countless incarnations throughout the years, perhaps most memorably in Richard Donner’s classic film, Superman. Christopher Reeves and Margot Kidder made movie romance magic, which reached its zenith when he takes her on a moonlit flying session and we hear her inner monologue, wondering if this handsome guy can read her mind as she stares at him in wonder. Hearts melted quicker than if blasted by heat vision, and we all fell in love with this immortal super-couple.

Ten great fantasy love stories? No, there are far more than that! Here are some honorable mentions — but, of course, even these are just the tip of the iceberg!

Achilles and Patroclus – Many historians agree that Achilles and Patroclus were seen by the ancients as a couple, but the ridiculous de-gaying of these characters in 2004’s Troy (“This is Patroclus, my…uh…cousin! Yeah, he’s my cousin.”) assured that the masses that get their knowledge through pop entertainment never even knew they were in love. Nevertheless, Achilles’ quest for vengeance after his lover’s death is one for the ages.

Buffy, Angel, and Spike – Maybe I’m biased, but while I appreciate that millions hung on the relationship between Buffy and Angel, then later Buffy and Spike, then later the tension between Spike and Angel, I get a little tired of angst and self-loathing. However, there was real beauty in some of the connections between the slayer and her vampires, and it will always be remembered by fans.

Arwen and Aragorn – A touching if relatively simple love story (Boy meets Girl, Boy gets separated from Girl due to a history-altering quest and achievement of kinghood, Girl gives up immortality so she can live and die with Boy), not that much time is really given for us to dwell on their relationship, and its overshadowed by the platonic bonds between the other characters. Still, it’s the most prevalent romantic relationship in all of The Lord of the Rings, and thus deserves a nod.

Xena and Gabrielle — ‘Nuff said.

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