Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

IS IT THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF FANTASY TELEVISION?

Things are suddenly looking pretty good out there on the fantasy television front, aren’t they?

• HBO has picked up A Game of Thrones, the series based on George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice books. Meanwhile, they set channel records with the second season of True Blood.
  
• Spartacus: Blood and Sand is an unqualified hit for Starz, the channel that this week picked up a mini-series based on the medieval cathedral-building novel The Pillars of the Earth.
  
• Supernatural and (especially) The Vampire Diaries are both hits for The CW, as is Smallville, which the network announced yesterday will be returning for an astounding tenth season.
• Warehouse 13, which set ratings records for SyFy last summer and fall, will be returning with new episodes this July.

Meanwhile, the disappointing or disastrous ratings for strictly sci-fi shows like V, Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles, Dollhouse, Stargate: Atlantis, Flash Forward, and Fringe have some people questioning whether this all signals the “end” of TV science fiction (apart from “niche” channels like SyFy).

The networks themselves seem to be leaning that direction, with not a single strictly “science fiction” pilot even being developed for the fall season.

So are things different for fantasy? Do the above shows mean we’ve entered an era of “fantasy” TV dominance?

Not necessarily.

First, I think it’s unquestionably true the the success of Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings has made fantasy more palatable to the masses. I also think the massive sales of fantasy books, especially in comparison to science-fiction, indicates that we have entered an age where fantasy-themed entertainment, long sci-fi’s “ugly stepsister,” will at least be more on parity with science fiction, if not soon surpass it.

But the fact is, all of the above fantasy shows are either syndicated, on cable, or on The CW — all outlets with much lower viewership that the broadcast networks that are broadcasting V, Flash Forward, and Fringe.

And except for NBC’s The Cape and ABC’s No Ordinary Family, both about would-be superheros, there are no fantasy or fantasy-esque pilots in development for the broadcast networks either.

In short, except for Lost, no TV genre show, science fiction or fantasy, is drawing massive, crossover ratings.

And the fantasy genre has seen its share of recent TV bombs, from Eastwick to Reaper to Merlin. At press time, word was just breaking that the syndicated fantasy show Legend of the Seeker would probably not be renewed for a third season.

Still, success on television is all about meeting, or exceeding, expectations, and while I’m disappointed by the loss of some solid sci-fi, I’m encouraged that the above-mentioned fantasy shows have found such vibrant, enthusiastic (if relatively small) audiences.

And I’m cautiously optimistic about future shows, both science fiction and fantasy, including Steven Spielberg’s unnamed Noah Wylie alien invasion project and Terra Nova, his dinosaur project, not to mention American remakes of the British shows Being Human and Torchwood.

THE IDIOT BOX

We may be back from the Olympics, but most fantasy-esque shows are still on hiatus.

Still, tonight brings a new episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, basically about Spartacus having to come to terms with the death of his wife in the last ep: does he give up, or does he finally really commit himself to his new life as a gladiator? After the intensity of last week, this is one is a little mellower — a little mellower, there are still a couple of shocking developments. But don’t get too comfortable; I’ve seen through episode nine, and there are some truly shocking things to come! (10 PM, Starz).

No new Legend of the Seeker this weekend, and nothing new on the Thursday night “fantasy/sci-fi TV death match” either.

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

As hard as it is for me to believe it, TheTorchOnline.com is exactly one year old.

I started this site for two reasons: first, because most of the existing sci-fi/fantasy websites seemed to treat the two genres like they were the same thing (and usually gave short-shrift to fantasy). In my experience, while there’s obviously some overlap, most people have a clear preference: sci-fi or fantasy.

I like some sci-fi, but it’s not what makes me get up in the mornings. Fantasy is.

I wanted to create a place where fantasy aficionados were always welcome — a “House of Elrond,” if you will (except that domain was taken!) — and where we could look, in depth, at the genre across all mediums.

I was also frustrated because most of the other existing genre entertainment websites seemed to be just another part of the big internet echo-chamber, rewriting the latest article from Variety or Hollywood Reporter, or blindly repeating the latest casting rumor. If a site did any original reporting at all, well, I often wasn’t very impressed.

I wanted a site that did mostly its own original reporting. And sure enough, in the last year, we’ve interviewed some of the most interesting and influential people in the field of fantasy, including Lucy Lawless, Rob Tapert, Tamora Pierce, Anna Torv, Bridget Regan, Ted Raimi, Kevin Williamson, the cast of Chuck, Craig Horner, Dominic Monaghan, David Boreanaz, Anthony Stewart Head, Jacqueline Carey, the cast of Being Human, Lynda Carter, the cast of Warehouse 13, Pushing Daisies creator Bryan Fuller, and many, many others.

We also broke several important stories, including the news that the Xena movie was dead.

And people have responded. We’ve gone from, well, zero visitors to tens of thousands every single week. Basically, this makes me think, “Okay, so maybe I wasn’t completely crazy.” There was room for TheTorchOnline.com, even on the insanely crowded landscape of the internet.

Along the way, I’ve been joined in my windmill-tilting by some pretty cool folks, people I’m proud to work with and showcase, including my ever-game associate editor, Tim O’Leary, who not only creates our hilarious Ensorceled webcomic — honestly, how did I not see that “The Father” was Papa Smurf?! — he also does our weekly episode reviews of both Spartacus and Legend of the Seeker, among many other chores.

Ninety-five percent of the 750 articles we’ve published in the last year were written by either Tim or me.

Yes, it was just us against the Black Riders internet!

Our newest addition to the staff is Heather Hogan. She’s only just begun to write for us, but I’ve been familiar with her work for other sites for years now, so trust me when I tell you that in a few months, you’ll be just as impressed by her talent as I already am.

And we’ve also been joined lately by two terrific freelancers, Jennifer Fitzgerald, who currently writes our Magic with an Accent column about British fantasy, and Ed Kennedy, who now writes (most of) our From the Palantir fantasy news round-ups.

Speaking of which, the site is currently in the process of a major expansion, so expect lots more coverage in the weeks and months to come.

God knows I’m not the perfect editor. In the frenzied rush to do way too much in way too little time, I’ve made a few mistakes — though I’ve always corrected them if possible. I also wish we had more coverage of fantasy gaming, both video and RPG. I’m working on it, but hey, there are only so many hours in a day.

Speaking of which, my fantasy-themed web-series is on hold too. No, seriously, I honestly thought I was going to be able to write and produce one in all my free time, and it could be “presented by” TheTorchOnline.com. Ohhhhh-kaaaaaay.

There was a point early on in this website when I said to myself, “Is there really enough fantasy-themed entertainment out there to devote a whole website to it?”

Ha! If you ever have any doubt about the mainstream fantasy resurgence that began in the 90s, and then exploded outward with the arrival of the Harry Potter books and The Lord of the Rings movies, trust me when I say: fantasy is bigger than ever. There is no end in sight to the current fantasy renaissance.

And I, idiot that I am, am nonetheless determined to cover it all.

Which means, of course, that it’s time for me to get back to work!

THE IDIOT BOX

It’s all-or-nothing, isn’t it? Either all the shows on television are in first-run, or none of them are.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. Tonight brings a new episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, and it’s a really, really good one. If they’re going to defeat the uber-gladiator Theocoles, Spartacus and Crixus must join forces. Oh, and along the way, they apparently also have to wrestle naked (10 PM, Starz).

There’s also a new Legend of the Seeker this weekend where — nice! — Cara dies and agrees to become a baneling. Yikes! (syndicated, check local listings)

THE BOX OFFICE

The only fantasy-esque movie opening this week is Shutter Island, but still in theaters is The Wolf Man and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (neither of which, it must be said, we liked very much).

On DVD this week is Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (and that one pretty much stinks too).

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

AND THE OSCAR DOESN’T GO TO…

Much has been made of the fact that the Oscar nominations were announced this week and, having had the number of Best Picture nominees raised from five to ten, three of the nominees turned out to be genre movies: Up, Avatar, and District 9 (four if you include Inglourius Basterds).

Others have rightfully pointed out that this really wasn’t that much of an achievement, since they were three (or four) wildly critically acclaimed films that also wildly exceeded their box office expectations — exactly the kind of movie that usually is nominated.

In other words, the Academy would have had to be really, really biased to ignore these films. And that is absolutely true.

It’s also true that while the Academy nominated these films for Best Picture, they pointedly ignored all the actors in genre films, notably Zoe Saldana in Avatar and Lorna Raver as the gypsy woman in Drag Me to Hell (who had buzz, but was probably always a very long shot).

Lorna Raver in Drag Me to Hell

My response: duh! Of course the Academy is biased against genre films! They’re a group of some 6000 older industry professionals, most of whom don’t work in, and obviously don’t appreciate, genre filmmaking.

And so what? This is precisely why genre aficionados have their own award ceremonies.

I happen to love the Oscars, but the thing that annoys me about them every year is how people ascribe these grand meanings to the Academy’s judgment — and nurse resentments over movies and performances they feel were “slighted.” Yes, they call it the “best” picture, but it’s all just someone’s opinion. How could any group of human beings make an objective, factual statement about anything as subjective as film? Isn’t that screamingly obvious?

One thing I don’t believe is that the voting is corrupt — that awards can be “bought,” that they’re not the genuine opinion of those involved. Yes, there’s politicking, yes, Academy members are swayed by “buzz,” and they probably also vote for and lobby for friends.

Still, I think you can make a good case that the Oscars generally honor pretty decent films — much of what most educated film-goers think of as the “best” for the year (although not usually my personal tastes).

And for the record, I’ve judged many award contests myself, and the one thing they all had in common is that the people involved take it very, very seriously. It’s like jury duty: from the outside, you think, “That’s crazy! People are morons!” But once you participate, your faith in your fellow human beings usually goes up a little, not down.

(All this said, I’m personally still a little tickled District 9 was nominated for Best Picture, since it was easily my favorite film of the year.)

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER JIM HENSON’S THE STORYTELLER?

With the news that SyFy is producing a series of fantasy films based on classic fairy tales and legends (the first of which, Beauty and the Beast, premieres on February 27th), I couldn’t help but be reminded of Jim Henson’s The Storyteller, a live-action/puppet hybrid series that starred John Hurt as the narrator (and, later, Dumbledore himself, Michael Gambon).

The show ran in 1988 as part of the failed The Jim Henson Hour (but won several Emmys anyway).

I loved this show!

In my opinion, one of the minor tragedies of the life of Jim Henson is that as he moved farther away from the Muppets, and closer to the fantasy themes that clearly spoke to him the most, his work became increasingly less popular with mainstream audiences (at least at the time of creation — much of the work, like The Dark Crystal and The Storyteller, has since become cult classics).

The irony is that I found his work here to be far richer and more sophisticated, and the puppetry far more impressive, than anything he ever did with The Muppets.

I haven’t seen The Storyteller in ages — why don’t I own this? — and I was a little worried it wouldn’t have held up. I don’t know why I was concerned. It’s amazing what they were able to do without CGI:

Looking to buy The Storyteller (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

THE IDIOT BOX

On Friday, Smallville goes all Watchmen as Clark tracks down the former members of the Justice Society of America, in a special “two-hour event” that co-stars Pam Grier. (Friday, 8 PM, The CW). Here’s the trailer:

This weekend, it’s a rerun of “Touched” (a decent episode) on Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings). And hey, I have an interview with Bridget Regan in the works!

On Tuesday, we have the last episode of The Jay Leno Show (10 PM, NBC). They thought this was going to save their network? Now that’s television fantasy!

On Thursday, we have the debut of a new show, Past Life, which is sort of paranormal Cold Case — detectives use past life regression to solve long-dead crimes. I’ll have a full review next week, but suffice to say, it’s pretty by-the-numbers (9 PM, Fox).

Also on Thursday, there are new episodes of The Vampire Diaries (8 PM, The CW) and Supernatural (9 PM, The CW), which has a Valentine’s Day ep entitled “My Bloody Valentine” about a real-life Cupid run amok (although the title is also a cheeky reference to the movie Jensen Ackles starred in last year. Get it?)

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

“IT KNOWS WHAT SCARES YOU!”

I distinctly remember when Poltergeist came out in June of 1982. I went with my friends, loved it, and it instantly became one of my favorite movies of all time, despite the fact that I wasn’t (and am still generally not) a big fan of its producer, Steven Spielberg. (It’ll take a lot more Minority Reports for me to forgive him for A.I.!)

But interestingly, Spielberg’s directing magnum opus (at the time) E.T. came out one week after Poltergeist. I wasn’t a fan of the movie, which I found to mostly be treacly crap, but the rest of the world went nuts for it. What I remember about almost the whole year of 1982 was how everyone was raving about E.T. – Neil Diamond wrote a whole song about how frickin’ touched he was! — while I was frantically shouting to the heavens, “No, you idiots — E.T. was mediocre at best! But Poltergeist — now that was a brilliant movie!”

Yeah, I was that kid.

Anyway, the world completely ignored me (as it so often does). But I re-watched Poltergeist recently, and while the special effects are sadly dated — wow, we really thought that scene at the sink when he tears his face off looked cool?!? — I still think the movie more than holds up.

In fact, the irony is that, while E.T. may be considered much more of a “beloved classic,” I think Poltergeist ended up being far more influential.

Think about all the movie’s most indelible images: the toy clown in the bedroom, the tree that eats that kid, the chairs that slide across the kitchen, the quirky psychic, the ghost coming down the stairs, the swimming pool full of bodies, the theme of the soul-less suburbs, a complicated mythology of “the light” and “the other side,” and the house sucked into another dimension.

Sure, Poltergeist borrowed from movies that came before it. But every ghost or haunted house movie since Poltergeist has borrowed from it (or blatantly ripped it off).

Like Jaws, Poltergeist pretty much invented a whole genre — or at least mainstreamed a formerly B-movie one.

What did E.T. do? Well, it made a whole lot of little old ladies cry. And it gave us Drew Barrymore (though, for me, the jury is still out on that one).

Why do I bring this up? Zelda Rubinstein, the actress who played Tangina Barrons (to absolute perfection!), sadly died this week. Take a look at her saying some of her most memorable dialogue:

THROW THOSE BITCHES INTO A RANCOR PIT!

Question for you. You get up in the morning, and you have two choices:

• You can go have breakfast with some friends at Denny’s.

Or:

• You can travel to a completely alien world where human beings are capable of breeding “avatar”-like beings that can interact with the native occupants and can fly around floating mountains on dragon-like creatures.

Which would you choose?

I mean, come on? Is there really any choice?

Hey, I like having breakfast with my friends. We have good conversations, and there’s a place near where I live that makes great hash browns. Sometimes there’s even some interesting drama and tension between the people involved.

But here’s the thing: I can really have breakfast with my friends! I do it almost every Sunday!

In real life, I can’t travel to Pandora. So I ask again: when given the choice between a realistic story and fantastical one, why does anyone ever choose the realistic one?

Okay, sure, I like me a realistic drama now and then. The Hurt Locker is in my Netflix queue (but there’s a “very long wait,” apparently). I like to consider the human condition and all that.

But why can’t I do that while playing Dragon Age: Origins?

The complaint about fantasy and sci-fi is always: “But the characters are so cliche!”

Which, I admit, is sometimes true. But I think that’s just as true of “realistic” stories too.

When I read something as brilliant as George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice (at least until A Feast for Crows, where it all kind of went off the rails), I defy anyone to argue that fantasy can’t be just as sophisticated as realistic fiction.

The point is, you can have dragons and dinosaurs and magic and well-rounded characters and believable emotion!

Our own Tim O’Leary recently offered George Lucas some fantastic writing advice that I wish every writer would take to heart:

Once you have those truly great characters who we empathize with, feel connected to, care about, and want to see succeed, then throw those bitches into a rancor pit!

Could! Not! Agree! More!

But then, hey, I founded this site, so it kinda follows I’d think that, right?

THE IDIOT BOX

On Friday, we’ve come to the end of the line for Dollhouse, which has its series finale. Cheekily entitled “Ephitet 2,” it picks up the events of last season’s “lost” 13th episode that was then thought  to be the series finale. (Friday, 8 PM, Fox).

Also on Friday, we’ve got another episode of Caprica , which I’m told by folks I trust is better than last week’s premiere (Friday, 9 PM, SyFy). And Lucy Lawless finally gets some screen-time on Spartacus: Blood and Sand (Friday, 10 PM, Starz). Expect to see more of Lucy than you ever thought you would!

This weekend, there’s a new episode of Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings).

On Saturday, SyFy has an original movie called Meteor Storm. This, along with cheddar and pepper jack, is the kinda cheese I like! (Saturday, 9 PM, SyFy).

On Tuesday, “The Beginning of the End,” will bring Lost viewers up-to-date on the last five seasons for the upcoming series finale (Tuesday, 8 PM, ABC).

On Thursday, there’s a new The Vampire Diaries (Thursday, 8 PM, the CW) and a Supernatural in which Sam and Dean go back in time to stop someone else who has gone back in time to make sure Sam is never conceived, to prevent him from becoming Lucifer’s vessel. Does that make sense? (Thursday, 9 PM, The CW)

Also on Thursday is the Fringe “Winter Season Finale” — yeah, I’m not quite sure what that means either, but I think it means there won’t be any new episodes until spring. Frankly, I’m on the verge of boycotting this show completely for two reasons: (1) Walter was apparently intimately involved in every experimental research project ever conducted, and then forgot all about it (at least until he “remembers” mid-way through each episode), and (2) last week’s episode, which was perhaps the most scientifically-stupid sci-fi I think I’ve ever seen. Walter identifies a nonsensical “intelligent” virus, and then creates a “cure” out of horseradish horseradish! — all in about thirty minutes, with no lab equipment?!?!?! Waiter, check please. (Thursday, 9 PM, Fox).

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

COULD THE HOBBIT SUCK?

With the news (since shot down) that Tobey Maguire is once again the front-runner to play Bilbo in The Hobbit, I’m starting to get this sinking feeling that the movie, if it ever actually happens, will end up being a massive disappointment.

It’s not just a question of sky-high expectations — my expectations for The Two Towers and The Return of the King were just as high, and both those movies actually (far) exceeded them.

Then again, those weren’t your usual sequels. The Lord of the Rings may have been released over three years, but it was, of course, conceived and mostly filmed at one time. In many ways, it was “one” movie.

And let’s face it: with all the delays and lawsuits, and now these endless, pointless casting rumors, The Hobbit movies are starting to feel like the never-ending health care debate in the U.S.: no matter what happens now, everyone is going to end up disappointed and cranky.

But in retrospect, at least when it comes to health care, that disappointment was probably inevitable. There are simply too many hopes and dreams (and masters to serve and pipers to pay) for it to have not ended up this way.

I hope I’m wrong, but I think the same could be true for The Hobbit.

Yes, I understand that most of the key players involved in The Lord of the Rings will be involved with The Hobbit. On paper, you have to admit, “There’s no way these movies can suck! They just have to do exactly what they did before! How hard is that?”

But it’s when you start to think like that, of course, the universe really sticks it to you. On “paper,” there’s no way a Peter Jackson version of King Kong could disappoint either, but we all know how that turned out.

The same goes for George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford re-teaming to make a new Indiana Jones movie after all these years — and, again, we all know how Kingdom of the Crystal Skull turned out.

The older I get, the more I think that art expresses a feeling and, more importantly, a moment in time (for both the creator and the viewer).

It’s impossible to recreate a moment in time. It simply can’t be done. You might create a new, maybe better moment, but you simply can’t go back to that which is already past. The fact that each moment is totally unique and transitory is part of what makes “time” special.

I think smart artists recognize this and always try to move forward, never even trying to recreate an artistic triumph of the past. The few successful movie sequels (or prequels), like Aliens, completely rethink the premise of the franchise — but, of course, that’s hard for anyone to do successfully, much less the filmmaker who originated a franchise and had such success the first time around.

Can Peter Jackson do it again? Does it help that Guillermo Del Toro, not Peter Jackson, is directing? (Despite my initial disappointment, the further we get from that announcement, the more I think this was an excellent decision. I think this at least gives us a shot at greatness.)

Anyway, I want to believe The Hobbit movies will be great, I really do. But I confess, I’m losing faith.

HEY, HE’S A MODERN-DAY DA VINCI!

A friend sent me a link to the website of a fantasy-esque artist named John Pitre.

His art isn’t bad, but his website is so over-the-top that it kinda has to be read to be believed. It calls him a “visionary” at the top of every page and has a bio that brags that one of his inventions was featured in “one of TV’s most successful infomercial” and refers to him as a “modern-day DaVinci.”

For one thing, it’s spelled “da Vinci,” not “DaVinci,” which is a hint that he may not be replacing the original Renaissance man just yet.

Here are some of John’s works:

Now that I think about it, maybe if “DaVinci” were alive, he would be involved with infomercials! Hey, a guy’s gotta eat.

Not surprisingly, I get over-hyped press materials like this all the time. I guess a lot of publicists think journalists will read them and think, “Wow, if this press release says it, it must be true! I’ll just mindlessly repeat this in my article!” When, of course, the exact opposite is true, and we usually end up writing snarky posts like this.

THE ALICE IN WONDERLAND HYPE MACHINE KICKS INTO OVERDRIVE

Here’s a (very) short featurette about the character of The Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland. As always, it looks like it’ll be visually incredible:

THE IDIOT BOX

On Friday, most programming is being preempted by the Hope For Haiti telethon, but there are two premieres: the two-hour Battlestar Galactica prequel Caprica (9 PM, SyFy). I thought it started strong, but then got way too bogged down in character introduction and world set-up. I’m told things get better in eps three and four (in the next few weeks), but I don’t think I’ll be sticking around to find out. (I’m generally sort of anti-prequel to begin with, a feeling that was forever confirmed by The Phantom Menace.)

Also premiering on Friday, of course, is Spartacus: Blood and Sand (10 PM, Starz). Here’s what we thought of the series, but for the record, I thought the pilot was (by far) the weakest of the four episodes I’ve seen. It makes it seem much more conventional than it actually is.

This weekend, there’s a new episode of Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings).

On Thursday, there’s a new The Vampire Diaries (8 PM, the CW), Fringe (9 PM, Fox), and Supernatural (9 PM, The CW). In the latter, Sam switches bodies with a teenage nerd, who enjoys his handsome new body while “Sam” is stuck dealing with intrusive parents. Sounds funny, but I confess: I’m surprised by how many “funny” episodes they’ve already done this season.

Oh, and if anyone is curious to hear what I sound like, I’m a guest this week on Alpha Waves Radio’s podcast, talking about how “gay” the would-be American remake of Torchwood is (or isn’t) likely to be.

THE BOX OFFICE

Two fantasy movies open this weekend: The Tooth Fairy and Legion. I was curious as to why I hadn’t been invited to a press screening for the latter, and it turns out they didn’t do press screenings. That is a sure sign that the movie almost certainly stinks. I was going to catch a midnight showing tonight for a early-morning review, but you know what? Since I’m certain it’ll suck, I’m thinking I’ll just skip it.

The Tooth Fairy was screened, but it’s getting terrible reviews, so I’m thinking I’ll skip that one too!

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

WHEREIN I GET FAR TOO METAPHYSICAL ABOUT AVATAR!

So the Vatican hates Avatar because it encourages the “worship” of nature.

Having been raised Catholic (and gone through 16 years of Catholic school), this doesn’t surprise me in the least. I spent my whole childhood being taught that humans were fundamentally different from everything else in the universe — not just in terms of degree, but in kind. There was a vast, unbridgeable chasm between humans and the rest of life in the universe: we had “souls,” but they did not.

The natural world exists for us, and should be saved because it’s “God’s creation.” But we’re not part of that creation. We stand separate, special — case closed!

From my very earliest memories, this simply never made any sense to me. It was clear to me that animals were actually a lot like us: they absolutely did experience emotion and were capable of relationships and communication, if not “language” exactly. In short, the natural world clearly included degrees of intelligence.

So did it also include degrees of a “soul”? And what was all this emphasis on one species — namely, us — being so spankin’ much “better” than everything else anyway? Sure, there are clearly differences in intelligence, but isn’t all life “equal” in a way too? After all, we don’t take away a human being’s rights just because they’re mentally disadvantaged; a baby is afforded special protections precisely because it can’t protect itself.

That’s when the whole concept of the individual “soul” began to break down for me. Some kind of “life force”? Sure! But if humans have souls, and every other animal does not, what about Early Man? What about Neanderthals?

The Catholic Church acknowledges the reality of evolution, so if what they were telling me was true, there literally had to be a point where two parents, who didn’t have souls, gave birth to a child who did have a soul.

Complete nonsense.

The older I got, and the more I read about history and science, the more I realized that the Catholic Church was merely clinging to the previous paradigm — a way of thinking that made sense in and was consistent with a time when we had a very different understanding of the natural world.

Now, thanks to science, our understanding of the natural world has been completely transformed. But the Catholic Church persists in its pre-Enlightenment point-of-view, despite all this evidence to the contrary, out of blind allegiance to tradition and, perhaps, sheer obstinance.

I honestly think the Vatican is incapable of understanding even the dumbed-down spiritual themes presented in Avatar. They see an acknowledgment that we are all part of a grand tapestry of life as nature “worship,” because they can only see the world in a dualistic, hierarchical, 16th century way. We’re not connected, and it’s a chain of command, so someone must be on top: plants and animals, then us, then God.

I can see why the movie would threaten them so much, but it makes me sad in a way too, because I feel like there’s not really even enough common ground between me and a traditional Catholic for us to have a substantive conversation about anything; the assumptions we make about the universe are simply too different. I’d like to think I understand their point-of-view — after all, I was taught by them for 16 years, and they gave me the highest grades in all their classes and the highest scores on all their tests. But I know for a fact they don’t understand me (and, apparently, the themes contained in 98% of all speculative fiction).

So why am I sad? Because if we human beings can’t agree on something as patently obvious as the inter-connectedness of all things, how are we ever going to solve the genuinely complicated problems of the world?

And no, I absolutely didn’t expect to go off on this topic in this column!

THE EVIL INTERNET TROLL!

For anyone who’s ever spent any time online (that would be everyone reading this now!), this is actually pretty funny (but NSFW!):

THE IDIOT BOX

On Friday, we have new episodes of Ghost Whisperer (8 PM, CBS), Dollhouse (9 PM, Fox), Medium (9 PM, CBS) and the two-hour season finale of Sanctuary (9 PM, SyFy).

This weekend, there’s a new episode of Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings).

On Monday, there’s a new Heroes (9 PM, NBC).

On Thursday, there’s a new Fringe, along with the return of The Vampire Diaries (8 PM, the CW) and Supernatural (9 PM, The CW). Here’s the preview of the latter:

THE BOX OFFICE

Nothing fantasy-esque opening this weekend, but look for Peter Jackson’s much-maligned adaptation of The Lovely Bones.

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET THE GAY ELF TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?

So over the Christmas holiday, I did almost nothing except read books and play Dragon Age Origins.

Nutshell review: the graphics are good, if not any great leap forward, but the game itself, especially the story and the interacting with the characters, is amazing.

Anyway, I confess, after we reported that the game included a possible same-sex love-making scene with the assassin elf Zevran, I was determined to get him into the sack.

It’s not as easy as you’d think!

All week, I plied Zevran with “gifts” (part of the game, designed to improve your “approval points” with a character), and just when I think I’m really getting somewhere, I say the wrong thing to him, causing me to lose all kinds of approval points!

Needless to say, I’m getting nowhere.

I’m having better luck at the Pearl, the brothel in Denerim. But hey, that’s a damn brothel!

But does that say about me? I can only get someone into bed if I pay them?!

FYI, here’s the NSFW scene that I’ll apparently never see in real game-life:

WHAT’S THAT? YOU WANT PREVIEW PICS AND CLIPS?

Making the circulation through cyberspace this week is a new pic of Johnny Depp from the upcoming Alice in Wonderland. I’ve seen pics of Depp’s character before, and I gotta say: it’s really good make-up, but it looks like make-up. I wonder if it’ll be this distracting in the movie itself…

Next we’ve got the first pic from Your Royal Highness (a upcoming fantasy-comedy starring Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel). The cast here is great, but when it comes to fantasy-comedy, I confess I can’t quite get the bad taste of Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (and the equally lackluster The Color of Magic) out of my mouth:

And finally, here’s a scene (not a preview) from Legion, the upcoming “angel wars” actioner. Looks … action-y.

REALLY, REALLY COOL FAKE BUGS!

Check out these cool fake bugs from Fly Films, a company that makes insects, for both fishermen and for the movies like Cirque du Freak and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

None of these are real:

Their website here.

THE IDIOT BOX

Most shows are back from the holiday hiatus, with, on Friday, new episodes of Ghost Whisperer (8 PM, CBS), Dollhouse (8 PM, Fox), Medium (9 PM, CBS) and Sanctuary (10 PM, SyFy).

This weekend, there’s finally a new episode of Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings). Here’s the preview:

You thought Battlestar Galatica was dead and gone? Nah, Sunday sees a special two-hour movie, “The Plan” (previously available only on DVD and download), which is sort of a “prequel,” showing the destruction of the Twelve Colonies by the Cylons and filling in some of the events of the first couple of seasons. I haven’t seen it yet, but it sounds really cool. (SyFy, 9 PM)

On Monday, along with a new Heroes (in a new time-slot, NBC, 9 PM), check out a “special” episode of Fringe (Fox, 9 PM), “Unearthed,” and the network is teasing us with this riddle: “Is it an unaired episode from Season One or is it from an alternate universe?” Methinks they’re also checking out a new time-slot, but hey, I love a good gimmick, so I’m so there.

Fringe-lovers can find another new episode on Thursday (Fox, 9 PM), but alas, there’s no new Vampire Diaries or Supernatural that night.

THE BOX OFFICE

Remember when December used to bring only “serious” films seeking Oscar buzz? This year’s December flood of genre and fantasy films proves those days are looooong in the past (which is a fine thing, at least as long as the movies are good like Avatar or at least interesting like The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, and not el crapola, like Transformers: Rise of the Machines or Year One).

This weekend’s fantasy-esque offering is Daybreakers, which is getting mixed-to-decent reviews, but that I think might suffer by coming on the tail end of a vampire glut. We’ll review if I can manage to pull myself away from Dragon Age Origins (which means we probably won’t review it!).

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

QUICK! WHAT DO AVATAR AND DOCTOR PARNASSUS HAVE IN COMMON?

So there are two movies opening soon, one this week (Avatar) and one next week (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, in limited release) that I think have a lot in common.

No, it’s not the stories, which couldn’t be more different.

It’s the fact that they’re both directed by brilliant directors who are more than a little bit insane.

(Thanks to the eminently-mockable Titanic, a lot of people don’t put Cameron in the same category as Gilliam, but I’d disagree. What with the Terminator movies, Aliens, and The Abyss, Cameron has an amazing track record — one that’s much more consistent than Gilliam and — let’s face it — far more influential.)

Personally, I’ll never miss a movie by either director. Even their “failures” are almost always enormously interesting.

But what of their respective insanities? What I think is most interesting is their insatiable need to keep topping themselves — in terms of budget and complexity, yes, but also in terms of spectacle and narrative.

Why don’t they rest on their laurels? Why don’t they ever just, well, repeat themselves?

What sort of person, even after they “win” everything, feels the need to compulsively keep pushing all their chips back onto the table, risking it all again and again? Even into their 50s? Francis Ford Coppola, a similar talent, couldn’t handle this kind of pressure.

Frankly, I think Gilliam and Cameron can both be described as a modern-day Orson Welles — although, unlike Welles, they’ve both made it well into middle age without being completely destroyed by their failures.

I’ve seen Doctor Parnassus (a full review coming soon, but I thought it was an interesting failure), and I worry that it will be the flop that ends Gilliam’s career. I haven’t seen Avatar yet, but I hope the same isn’t true for Cameron.

Hollywood needs more directors like Gilliam and Cameron — people who are willing to risk it all, and audacious enough to tune out the whole world in defense of their “vision.”

You think about the best, most influential genre movies of the last forty years: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Lord of the Rings. They all took an oversized personality (or two) to somehow overcome all the nay-sayers.

And because these folks were all so insane, we’re all much richer for it.

THEY WEREN’T KIDDING: SPARTACUS REALLY IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT

I’ve interviewed Xena mastermind Rob Tapert twice in the last year, and both times he’s talked about how truly “different” his new show, Spartacus: Blood and Sand (co-starring Lucy Lawless, coming on Starz January 22nd) really is.

But I’m a skeptical kinda guy.

Well, I’ve now seen the first four episodes, and I say without hesitation that he wasn’t lying: it really is unlike anything that’s been on TV, even premium cable.

Everyone is comparing it to 300, and it is set in the ancient world, and it is stylized (and proudly displays men as sex objects). But the pacing is very different, and the story itself is much less hyper-aggressive and much more — yes — subtle. It’s much closer to Gladiator in that respect, more about character motivation than just being about image.

Truthfully, the first few episodes are too close to Gladiator: it’s the same set-up with a man willing to be a gladiator — willing to do anything — in order to reunite with his wife, blah, blah, blah.

But the show is very impressively done, and the explicit sex and violence are somehow both shocking and tasteful at the same time (yes, Lucy Lawless gets naked, as do plenty of the men).

I’ll have a full review soon, but in the meantime, here’s the trailer:

WOW, TALK ABOUT TERRIBLE TIMING!

This week, I watched a movie just out on DVD, Carriers, that I’d been hearing good buzz about ever since it had a very limited release back in August.

Why such a limited release, especially since it stars Chris Pine, fresh out of Star Trek?

It’s about a deadly virus outbreak has already killed most of the world.

Think about it: it was released just as the swine flu epidemic was gearing up. It’s hard for me to imagine worse possible timing. Who would want to pay money to be scared by something that people were thinking might actually happen in real life? Had the movie been widely released and promoted, I could even see them accused of being irresponsible (it would’ve been irresponsible!).

Zombieland and The Road are post-apocalyptic movies too, but they’re much more removed from the “real” world. Carriers is just waaaaaay too close to home.

So how was the movie? I thought it was quite good — although I was a little taken aback for a while, because when someone dies, they stay dead. I’m so used to zombie movies where the dead bodies are constantly coming back to life.

Sadly, the ending is pretty underwhelming, which kinda put the whole movie in the “nice try” category for me.

THE IDIOT BOX

Most shows are on hiatus for the holiday, but this weekend brings a two-hour Dollhouse (Friday, 8 PM, Fox), and a new episode of Sanctuary (Friday, 10 PM, SyFy).

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

WHY IS FANTASY LITERATURE SO POPULAR (AND WHY IS SCI-FI FADING FAST)?

Earlier in the week, I linked to a writer who had come up with some explanations for why fantasy is exploding in popularity as a literary genre while science fiction seems to be fading.

(Depressingly, a lot of people in the comments are taking issue with his premise that sci-fi is dying as a literary genre, which is just stupid. The trends are obvious and clear, as we’ve written about ourselves; fantasy literature outsells science fiction by a factor of at least ten, and probably more).

Anyway, I wasn’t too impressed with most of his reasons for the popularity of fantasy: because the future has caught up to sci-fi, because we’ve grown up on fantasy films, and because “literary” writers like Margaret Atwood are cannibalizing sci-fi sales with their own speculative fiction.

But I liked his first reason a lot:

More women than men read books.

I would amend this to say, “More women than men read fiction” (because men read a lot of non-fiction), and then I’d say he’s put his finger right on it. The more I work in publishing and the more I publish novels myself, the more obvious this is to me. As more and more men are drawn to the bells and whistles (and violence) of computer gaming, I think women dominating the publishing industry is becoming even more true.

And women readers seem to be drawn more to fantasy than science fiction.

No, I don’t think it’s that women don’t like or can’t understand “science” (or, as Talking Barbie used to say, “Math is hard!”). I think the explanation is even simpler: the fantasy genre has catered to female readers in a way that science fiction has not.

Traditionally, of course, both science fiction and fantasy gave women only ridiculously passive and stereotypical characters. (Depressingly, even some female writers still do this today **cough** Stephanie Meyer **cough**).

But in the 1970s, the industry began to change, as more and more female authors began writing books themselves. For whatever reason, more women were drawn to fantasy, or — chicken or the egg — maybe fantasy editors and publishers were simply more receptive to them, especially in the children’s and young adult field.

In response, it was like science fiction doubled down, becoming more insular and more seemingly male-dominated. But given the changing demographics, this was a massive strategic disaster.

And I think it’s the reason for where we are today.

So why is science fiction still so popular as a movie and TV genre? Well, that’s the subject of another column!

A SCI-FI OR FANTASY-THEMED OSCAR NOMINEE?

Speaking of sci-fi movies, earlier this year, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences announced that they’re increasing the number of Best Picture Nominees from five to ten — which has some folks speculating that a genre movie could potentially get a nod.

The movies that seem to be in serious contention are Star Trek, Up, and District 9, which is too bad, because I think only District 9 truly deserves consideration (along with Drag Me to Hell, which, of course, doesn’t stand a chance in hell, no pun intended, because it’s a horror movie, and a very “B-movie” one at that).

Here’s my list of fantasy-themed movies I saw this year that I think mostly “work,” from best to worst:

• District 9
• Drag Me to Hell
  
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  
• Watchmen
• Coraline
• Up

Here are the movies I saw that don’t really work (or flat-our stink), from best to worst:

• A Haunting in Connecticut
• Monsters Vs. Aliens
• Ponyo
• Underworld: Rise of the Lychans
• G-Force
• Dragonball: Evolution (flat-out stinks)
  
• Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian (flat-out stinks)
• Where the Wild Things Are (flat-out stinks)
• Inkheart (flat-out stinks)
• The Vampire’s Assistant (flat-out stinks)
• The Box (really flat-out stinks)
• Year One (really flat-out stinks)

Full disclosure: there are still a few movies I haven’t seen yet (Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, Zombieland), movies I refuse to see out of principle (New Moon), and movies that haven’t opened yet (The Princess and the Frog, Avatar, Sherlock Holmes).

Still, whenever I compile lists like this, I’m always shocked by how many truly stink-o-rama movies I see in a year. And yet I keep going back. Why is that? Answer: because when a movie is truly great, like District 9 or Drag Me to Hell, it makes putting up with all the crap worthwhile. Which I really believe, until I have to sit through another movie like Where the Wild Things Are or The Box.

THE IDIOT BOX

The closer we get to the holiday break, the more likely shows are to go into reruns (don’t ask my why — that’s simply the “rule”), but this week brings new episodes of Sanctuary (Friday, 10 PM, SyFy) and Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings).

Also, check out Spike TV’s Video Game Awards on Saturday (8 PM, Spike TV).

THE BOX OFFICE

So Transylmania got a 0% rating at RottenTomatoes.com — not a single critic liked it. Didn’t I warn you it would suck? Didn’t I?

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

HEY, I WENT TO FORKS, WASHINGTON!

My Thanksgiving plans last week involved my going to a lodge on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state. On the way home, we drove through Forks, the setting for the Twilight books.

Mind you, I’m not a fan of the books — I think the writing is pedestrian and Bella is infuriatingly passive — and I had no interest in seeing locations from series. But I am mildly intrigued by the insanity of the Twilight phenomenon, and I confess to being curious as to how the town has reinvented itself in its wake.

And sure enough, they’ve done just that, with downtown Twilight shops and tour buses that take visitors to places like, well, Forks High School and the community hospital (where “Dr. Cullen” has a parking spot).

But here’s the weird thing: the Forks of the books isn’t really the real Forks. As I understand it, Stephanie Meyer had never even visited when she wrote the first book — she’d just tried to find the most overcast place in the U.S. (which Forks may be, being so close to a temperate rain forest), where vampires might live. And, of course, the movies weren’t shot here.

So what exactly are people coming to see? A couple of gas stations and a few run-down buildings?

Incredibly, tourists actually take photographs of the nondescript high school!

Still, I know how these things work: visiting a location like Forks because you love Twilight isn’t really about Forks at all. It’s about having a shared “experience” with your friends where you bond together over this book and/or movie that speaks to you. You can’t have a “road trip” without some kind of destination, right?

I get it, and (with different books and movies) I’ve done it.

And besides, I’ve been to Forks many times before, and in years previous, it was a sad, pathetic timber town, slowly dying as a result of the fact that they’d already cut down 95% of its surrounding  “old growth” forests — and were angrily lashing out at environmentalists for suggesting that, hey, maybe we shouldn’t cut that last 5%.

As for me, I couldn’t be happier that this forgotten, nondescript town has another reason to go on living.

IT’S UNMITIGATED GREED, I TELL YA! (EXCEPT WHEN THEY DO IT WITH SOMETHING I LIKE)

Speaking of Twilight, this week it was reported that Breaking Dawn, the next Twilight book, will (probably) be split into two movies, just like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. (The good news for the author and cast members is that they all get to renegotiate their salaries for the 5th film in the series.)

At first, I was all, “Pu-leeeze! This is just plain greed!”

Then, of course, I remembered how excited I was that they’re splitting The Hobbit into two movies (with additional material from The Silmarilian! Score!).

When you love something, you want to see more of it. Duh. And no one’s forcing anyone to go to any of these movies, right?

DenofGeek.com has some interesting suggestions for prolonging both the Harry Potter and Twilight franchises even more. This one made me laugh:

HARRY vs EDWARD

When you’re shit out of options, you need to do the cinematic mash-up. And honestly? This is the one we’re dying to see. It follows the path set by Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday The 13th, Alien and Predator, in that if your franchise is struggling by itself, bang two together and the film will sell itself.

The best bit of this scam is that the film itself can be shit, and you don’t have to kill anyone off, no matter what you promised in the marketing for it. Thus, we’re left with a bare fist fight between Daniel Radcliffe’s Harry (complete with Ron adding in an “oh, bloody hell” from time to time), and Robert Pattinson’s Edward Cullen. Beautifully, the script can keep them apart for 80% of the film with nonsensical shit, too, and end with the characters exactly the same in every sense.

OH, LORD, THE LOST SYMBOL IS A BAD BOOK

What have I been reading lately? Well, I finally finished the latest Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol. I should say up front that I really liked The Da Vinci Code (despite all the scoffing in some literary circles by folks who wouldn’t know a “plot” if they fell into it in a graveyard). And I liked Angels & Demons even more, with Brown’s clever and seamless incorporation of real-life locations and history into his story.

But I thought The Lost Symbol flat-out stank. I mean, really, really bad. It’s not just the sometimes-clunky prose — the writing itself has never been Brown’s genius.  But the central story was a dud. Freemasons? First, we’ve “been there, done that,” but even if we hadn’t, it simply pales next to the Illuminati and intrigue at the Vatican, or a centuries-old conspiracy to suppress women and hide the lineage of Christ.

But it was mostly the execution that had me rolling my eyes. The two big plot twists, one involving the identity of central villain and another involving a secret pyramid hidden in Washington, D.C., were so incredibly obvious I had a hard time believing they were supposed to be twists. And the big “reveal” about the source of the lost symbol’s power? Oh, Lord, what an outrageous cheat!

The book was so bad that it even had me rethinking my opinion of Brown’s other two books. Did I read into them? Did he have a great editor or a ghostwriter?

To be fair, Brown’s first two books Deception Point and Digital Fortress, were pretty bad too, but not nearly as bad as The Lost Symbol.

THE IDIOT BOX

New episodes tonight of Ghost Whisperer (8 PM, CBS),  Medium (9 PM, CBS), and Stargate: Universe (9 PM, SyFy).

This weekend sees the second half of the third season finale of Robin Hood (Saturday, 9 PM, BBCA) and a new episode of Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings):

Sunday and Monday brings the SyFy miniseries Alice (a “re-imagining” of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, with Tim Curry and Kathy Bates) from the same people who brought you the Oz retelling Tin Man (which I didn’t like) (Sunday and Monday nights, 9 PM, SyFy):

On Thursday, also look for a new episode of Fringe (9 PM, Fox), but no new episodes of The Vampire Diaries or Supernatural until January.

THE BOX OFFICE

I think we can all agree that the vampire genre is very, very ripe for a parody right now. But the studio has not made Transylmania, which opens today, available for any press screenings. Which means that it’s certain to be terrible. Could it possibly end up getting worse reviews than Meet the Spartans, the 300 parody that ended with a 2% “Fresh” on RottenTomatoes.com? I’d say it’s a definitely possibility. Proceed with extreme caution.

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

It is, of course, Thanksgiving week in the US, which means we’ll be publishing on a limited schedule.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, every year I can’t help but be reminded of the scene in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when the party comes upon the eternally renewed feast at Aslan’s Table at the island at the World’s End. (Isn’t it funny how so often the books of our childhood stay with us our whole lives? I’m sure the current generation of kids will be thinking about holiday dinners at Hogwarts ten and twenty years from now.)

“I think it’s a ruin,” said Lucy when they had got a good deal nearer, and her guess was the best so far. What they now saw was a wide oblong space flagged with smooth stones and surrounded by grey pillars but unroofed. And from end to end of it ran a long table laid with rich crimson cloth that came down nearly to the pavement. At either side of it were many chairs of stone richly carved and with silken cushions upon the seats. But on the table itself there was set out such a banquet as had never been seen, not even when Peter the High King kept his court at Cair Paravel. There were turkeys and geese and peacocks, there were boar’s heads and sides of venison, there were pies shaped like ships under full sail or like dragons and elephants, there were ice puddings and bright lobsters and gleaming salmon, there were nuts and grapes, pineapples and peaches, pomegranates and melons and tomatoes. There were flagons of gold and silver and curiously wrought glass, and the smell of the fruit and the wine blew toward them like a promise of all happiness. 

I like that. “A promise of happiness.” And also, perhaps, heartburn.

SPEAKING OF ENCHANTED FEASTS…

Since we’re on the subject of magical dinners, I’ve always thought this Stevie Nicks video did a great job of showing exactly how it’s supposed to be:

BUT, OF COURSE, THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT MORE THAN FOOD

It’s about the people. After all, who among us, if made to choose between a meager meal with the people we love or a sumptuous feast eaten all alone or, worse, with Glenn Beck, would choose the sumptuous feast?

Anyone? I didn’t think so.

Sam and Frodo learn to take nothing for granted in The Two Towers — not the food or the person they’re eating it with:

For a while Sam sat nursing, and tending the fire till the water boiled. The daylight grew and the air become warm; the dew faded off turf and leaf. Soon the rabbits cut up lay simmering in their pans with the bunched herbs. Almost Sam fell asleep as the time went by. He let them stew for close on an hour, testing them now and again with his fork, and tasting the broth.

When he thought all was ready he lifted the pans off the fire, and crept along to Frodo. Frodo half opened his eyes as Sam stood over him, and he waked from his dream: another gentle, unrecoverable dream of peace.

“Hullo, Sam!” he said. “Not resting? Is anything wrong? What is the time?”

“About a couple of hours after daybreak,” said Sam, “and nigh on half-past eight by Shire clocks, maybe. But nothing’s wrong. Though it ain’t quite what I’d call right: no stock, no onions, no taters. I’ve got a bit of stew for you, and some broth, Mr. Frodo. Do you good.”

… Sam and his master sat just within the fern-brake and ate their stew from the pans, sharing the old fork and spoon. They allowed themselves half a piece of elvish waybread each. It seemed a feast.

In other words, we would all do well to remember that Thanksgiving is not so much what you eat, as it is who you eat it with, and why.

THE IDIOT BOX

Legend of the Seeker is back this weekend with “Touched,” a new episode. (The show is syndicated, so check local listings.)

On Saturday, SyFy is offering Beyond Sherwood, an original movie about how the evil Sheriff of Nottingham uses a shape-shifting monster to try and destroy young Robin Hood. Sounds cheesy (which is not necessarily a bad thing!). (SyFy, 9 PM)

On Sunday, it’s all about dogs and Christmas with ABC Family offering The Dog Who Saved Christmas (8 PM), while CBS gives us A Dog Named Christmas (9 pM). Same holiday, different dog. I’m a sucker for Christmas specials, but these look a little thick even for me.

V has ended his four-episode run, and many TV shows are in reruns both this week and next, although look for a new episode of Heroes on Monday, and new episodes of Flash Forward and Fringe next Thursday.

THE BOX OFFICE

I’m looking forward to seeing The Road, but having it open today, the day before Thanksgiving? A moody, post-apocalyptic thriller set in a barren future landscape where a father and son struggle to avoid being eaten by other people? Seriously? Still, I suppose if you’re looking for something to be thankful for, “my limbs intact” is as good as anything, right?

If you’re looking for something slightly more upbeat, new fantasy-esque movies out on DVD this week include Angels & Demons, Star Trek, and the vampire film Thirst.

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

And for the record, have a very happy, restful, thankful holiday.

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