What up, dawg, it’s TheTorchOnline.com. Listen, I know that you’re busy right now putting together the live-action Star Wars TV show (due in 2012), and you don’t have a lot of time on your hands, so I’ll keep this quick.
So, you know how you told me that I should never hesitate to throw my two cents in when you’re working on something Star Wars- related? Well, you asked for it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the TV show, and I’ve come up with a list of five bullet points that will really help you out in the coming months.
Okay, away we go…
5. Give us strong, relatable, Luke/Han/Leia-esque characters.
Remember how everyone loved you after the original trilogy? Remember how … uh, how do I put this nicely … the same wasn’t exactly true for the prequel trilogy?
Here’s the deal. What made the first three so good was the attention to the characters and their relationships to each other. Sure, the battles were epic and the effects impressive, but it’s a meaningless light show if we don’t care about who’s in the middle of it. And as hot as they are, Natalie and Hayden just didn’t have it.
Cast well, my friend. (And if you’re going to write a love story, hey, go for it. But you might want to get someone else to write the dialogue for you. No, scratch that. You definitely do. Trust me on this one.)
4. Don’t forget that women, like men, can do stuff.
I’m the first to give you props — you were ahead of your time when you came up with the kick-ass Leia. But the world’s changed since then, and even though Padme was pretty cool, you’re allowed to have more than just one woman in a sprawling, epic masterpiece. Hey, thousands of fangirls love Star Wars just as much as their male counterparts. Why not throw them a bone?
It’s a shame that perhaps the coolest female Star Wars character ever — Mara Jade — was never even seen in real life. Fans want to see some lady action. Don’t be afraid to show some female warriors. You’ll be glad you did.
3. Steer clear of the racial stereotypes, okay?
Well, this is kind of a sticky issue. I don’t know if you did this on purpose or not, but The Phantom Menace had a couple of cringe-inducing characters that seemed like, uh, racist caricatures. Sorry, might as well just put it out there. But come on, man. Jar-Jar? The Trade Federation? Watto? What were you thinking?
You know what? I’m sure you’ve heard this enough. I know that Star Wars is supposed to be a throwback to the science fiction serials of your youth, but some ugly parts of the cinema of yesteryear are best left in, you know, yesteryear. That stuff isn’t cool anymore, even if it’s some kind of weird homage. ‘Kay? ‘Kay.
2. Give us what we want - Action! Fantasy! Spectacle!
Remember, the whole point of Star Wars is it should be fun! If you ask your average fanboy what they love about Star Wars, they’ll say one of the following: Lightsabers. Force-choking. Speeders. Dogfights in space. Rancors!
Remember what I said about solid, relatable characters? Okay, it’s still true, but once you have those truly great characters who we empathize with, feel connected to, care about, and want to see succeed, then throw those bitches into a rancor pit!
And if you feel like tossing in huge melee lightsaber battles, then friend, I say trust your gut.
And finally, and this is most important…
1. No. Gungans. Ever.
Okay, so now that we’ve covered all of our bases, I can do nothing more except wish you luck. We all have your back, buddy. We want this to be good. We’re actually kind of hungering for it. Please, please, don’t let us down.
But no pressure or anything.
All Our Best,