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The Tinder Box (This Fantastic Week, Nov. 20, 2009)

Posted on 20 November 2009

Tags: Christmas, Columns, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Tinder Box

Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

THE CHRISTMAS MOVIE CURSE!

So the 500,000th adaptation of A Christmas Carol has turned out to be something of a bomb (relative to its $200 million price-tag). This got me thinking about Christmas movies in general (since 95% of them are also fantasy movies).

In short, why are so many of them so bad? Is there a Christmas movie curse?

Think about it: every year, a handful of new Christmas movies are added to the collective consciousness. And yet I can count the number of good ones on one hand.

In fact, I will:

It’s a Wonderful Life.
Miracle on 34th Street (sorta, I guess)
A Christmas Story

I suppose you could put movies like Gremlins, Home Alone, and A Muppet Christmas Carol in a “guilty pleasure” category, although you can’t really call them “good.” And A Nightmare Before Christmas isn’t really a Christmas movie (and is flawed away).

Meanwhile, consider all the horrible Christmas movies:

Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Elf
The Santa Claus (and all the even more horrible sequels)
Bad Santa
Jack Frost
Ernest Saves Christmas
Scrooged
Silent Night, Deadly Night
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The Polar Express (Lord, I hated this movie!)
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Christmas with the Cranks
Fred Clause
Jingle All the Way
Black Christmas
Deck the Halls
Surviving Christmas

It’s kind of staggering, isn’t it? Looking at this list, I’m thinking Christmas comedies fare the worst. Has there ever been an intentionally funny Christmas comedy?

So I’m back to where I started: I think there’s a Christmas movie curse!

THEN AGAIN, THERE ARE A LOT OF GREAT CHRISTMAS TV SPECIALS

Meanwhile, think about all the great TV Christmas specials:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (mind-blowing sexism aside)
The Year Without a Santa Claus
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
The Star Wars Christmas Special (so bad it’s good!)
He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (just kidding — I’ve never seen it)

Sure, there are plenty of crappy Christmas TV specials — Rudolph’s Shiny New Year anyone? And A Miser Brothers’ Christmas, last year’s sequel to The Year Without a Santa Claus, was beyond-bad.

But still. TV is clearly where all the positive Christmas energy is.

So what gives? Does the holiday lend itself more to TV’s half-hour or hour-long format? Or has Hollywood shot itself in the foot trying to make Christmas movies that appeal to “everyone” while TV has concerned itself mostly with pleasing kids (and, ironically, ended up pleasing everyone)? Or is it merely the Rankin-Bass factor since that stop-motion animating duo is responsible for so many of the classics?

THE IDIOT BOX

This weekend, we’re looking at new episodes of The Ghost Whisper (CBS, 8PM), Medium (CBS, 9 PM), and Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings). Seeker sounds especially good: Cara is put on trial for past crimes, and Kahlan, whose sister was killed by her, has to render a verdict. The preview:

Also this week, there’s a new Thanksgiving episode of Heroes (NBC, Monday, 8 PM), and the fall “season finale” of V (ABC, Tuesday, 8 PM). Flash Forward, The Vampire Diairies, Fringe, and Supernatural are all in reruns on Thanksgiving Thursday.

THE BOX OFFICE

So it’s all about The Twilight Saga: New Moon this weekend. It won’t matter in the slightest, but critics hate it, including Roger Ebert, who I thought loved everything these days. The man hasn’t been relevant for decades, but he is rare form in his review:

The movie includes beauteous fields filled with potted flowers apparently buried hours before by the grounds crew, and nobody not clued in on the plot. Since they know it all and we know all, sitting through this experience is like driving a pickup in low gear though a sullen sea of Brylcreem.

The other fantasy-esque movie is Planet 51, which critics seem to like even less (even the “good” reviews are begrudging).

And speaking of Planet 51, is it my imagination or is Justin Long suddenly in every movie made? No, seriously, he’s listed as appearing in or voicing eight movies this year, in addition to playing the “Mac” in the Mac versus PC commercials. Good Lord, man, take a weekend off!

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!