When I wrote this article over a year ago, I meant it as a joke. But with the news today that Peter Jackson has a perforated ulcer, delaying The Hobbit yet again, I’m suddenly not so sure it is a joke.

First, there was all that bad blood between New Line Studios and Peter Jackson over profits from the Lord of the Rings movies. Then there was a lawsuit from the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien where they threatened to shut down the entire production of the movie version of The Hobbit. Now MGM is suddenly on the verge of bankruptcy, jeopardizing the production all over again.

Is The Hobbit cursed or what? Will this movie ever see the light of day?

Industry observers say it’ll all work out in the end — that there’s way too much money at stake for the movie to not get made.

I’m not so sure. Here are my predictions for what can — and almost certainly will — jeopardize The Hobbit next:

• A man who went to kindergarten with Tolkien will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming the Lord of the Rings author plagiarized his books from the man’s contributions to “storytime.”

• Andy Serkis will insist on playing the part of Gollum with the voice of Donald Duck.

• Swine flu will take out the entire New Line staff.

• Guillermo Del Toro, Peter Jackson, and Fran Walsh will become involved in a complicated love triangle which results in none of them speaking.

• Olaf Engelstad, a man of Norwegian descent, will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming his ancestors invented the concept of the “elf.”

• Director Guillermo Del Toro will be replaced by Eli Roth.

• Locusts will descend on New Zealand.

• The trend of big-budget special effects extravaganzas will come to an abrupt end as Americans suddenly develop an insatiable yearning for non-linear foreign film (without subtitles).

• The descendants of Eadweard Muybrid will sue the producers for a share of the profits, reminding them that Muybrid was the inventor of “film.”

• Peter Jackson will reveal that he’s become Amish and insist that no technology whatsoever be used in the making of the movie.

• The part of Bilbo will be played by Sofia Coppola.

• Unable to vanquish the locusts, New Zealand will also fall into eternal darkness.

• Ian McKellen will develop massive boils.

• Eli Roth will replaced by Rob Zombie.

• Actual Ents will be discovered in the Redwood forests of California, right before they go on a rampage, destroying Los Angeles.

• Still consumed by locusts and darkness, New Zealand will sink into the ocean.

• CGI green-screen technology will become impossible when God unexpectedly eliminates the color “green.”

• A meteor will crash into the planet, eliminating all life on Earth.

• Purists will be horrified, but Cate Blanchett (and Galadriel) is joining the cast of The Hobbit, despite the fact that the elven queen does not appear in the book. Sylvester McCoy (who played the Seventh Doctor on Doctor Who) also joins the cast as the wizard Radagast the Brown.

• Could be cool: a family fantasy movie is in the works featuring Cirque Du Soleil, using James Cameron’s 3D technology.

• How to Train Your Dragon cleaned up in the Annie (animation) award nominations … but only after Disney (Tangled) and Pixar (Toy Story 3) withdrew from the organization that sponsors them. Kinda changes things, doesn’t it?

• Another trailer for Gulliver’s Travels. I love Jack Black, but why does this remind me of Will Ferrell in Land of the Lost?

• The Wachowskis (The Matrix) are working on a modern-day “urban” take on Robin Hood (called, naturally, Hood). I can’t say I’m overwhelmed by the idea, but it beats Speed Racer.

• The story that George Lucas was buying the digital rights of deceased actor to “use” them in new projects is apparently false.

• Variety hated The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: too faith-centric and way too cautious. Speaking of which, here are four pretty cool preview posters.

• An interview with Brent Weeks, who books I see everywhere.

• The finale of The Walking Dead drew a series high of 6 million viewers. Did anyone else think it was terrible? I mean, the facility just happens to be running out of power the day they arrive?

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A first look at the shire set (from Total Film Magazine) for the upcoming two-part movie version of The Hobbit. But at least one blog is speculating (probably correctly) that this set may really be an updating of the Shire set from The Lord of the Rings.

The article was originally published in November 2009.

Pan’s Labyrinth director Guillermo del Toro is currently at work on the two-part movie version of The Hobbit [editor's note: he since left the production]. Recently he talked to ComingSoon.net about his plans for the all-important look of the dragon, Smaug.

“The way Tolkien wrote it, already, is magnificent,” del Toro said. “It’s already a fantastic character. So, obviously, dragons, you ask every person what their best favorite dragon is, they will give you a different answer. In my mind, what we’re going to attempt on the design of this creature and the creation of this creature needs to push the envelope beyond anything you’ve ever seen on that kind of creature.”

Del Toro referred to the relatively few dragons that have been put on film over the years — not surprising given the costs involved. “One of the best and one of the strongest landmarks that almost nobody can overcome is Dragonslayer [a 1981 movie]. The design of the Vermithrax Pejorative is perhaps one of the most perfect creature designs ever made….I am bursting at the seams about spilling the beans [about our dragon], but I won’t because I would be shot.”

In anticipation of the movie, TheTorchOnline.com looks at — and rates — the most famous dragons that have existed on film, rating them from worst to best:

Dragonheart (1996)

GGI was newer, and we were all understandably excited. But it’s scary how quickly CGI can look dated. (The dragon in the Dragonheart sequel is downright laughable now.)

Dragon Rating: 2 Torches (Out of Five)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

A nice try, but too many horns (and actually a wyvern, not a dragon at all).

Dragon Rating: Three Torches (Out of Five)

The Hobbit (1977)

A little clunky now, but it made a strong impression on me at the time:

Dragon Rating: Three Torches (Out of Five)

Beowulf (2007)

Crappy movie, decent dragon, even if it doesn’t quite like a dragon “should”:

Dragon Rating: Three and Half Torches (Out of Five)

Eragon (2006)

Does anyone else think it looks like the Loch Ness Monster?

Dragon Rating: 4 Torches (out of Five)

Reign of Fire (2002)

Another bad movie with good dragons.

Dragon Rating: Four Torches (Out of Five)

The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad

Gotta love a classic. Yeah, it look s a little hackneyed by modern standards, but remember: Ray Harryhausen did this all in stop-motion, often by himself.

Dragon Rating: Four and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Technically this is a “winged nazgul,” or a ringwraith on a perodactyl, not a dragon at all, but like everything about the LOTR’s movies, it’s still flawless.

Dragon Rating: Five Torches (Out of Five)

Dragonslayer (1981)

Del Toro is right: this is still the gold standard of movie dragons — and it was even done in an era before CGI. How the hell did they do it?

Five Torches (Out of Five)

Interested in buying any of these dragon movies (or any other media product)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing them through this link.

The producers of the two-part movie version of The Hobbit have settled a long-simmering dispute with a New Zealand acting union, agreeing to keep the production in that country.

Executives at Warner Brothers and New Line Cinema, which are co-producing the films, extracted major concessions from the New Zealand government, including a $15 million (US) tax break (on top of an existing $45 million tax break) and the suspension of certain labor laws, guaranteeing workers will be hired as “contract” workers, not full employees as the labor union had wanted. New Zealand will also contribute to the marketing of the films.

The unions had previously threatened a workers’ boycott of the films if labor conditions were not made closer to those of Los Angeles-based film workers. In response, the production had threatened to leave the country altogether, where many sets for the movie have already been built. In response to that, huge crowds of film production personnel marched in protest of the union demands.

According to the  Los Angeles Times, the films will add $1.5 billion (US) to the New Zealand economy — two percent of the country’s economy.

The settlement was announced by New Zealand prime minister John Key, who was involved in the negotiations that took place between the studios, the unions, and the government.

Production on the film should begin in early 2011.

• So the entire blogosphere is exploding with the news of initial casting for The Hobbit. As expected, Martin Freeman will play Bilbo; Richard Armitage will play Thorin Oakenshield; Aidan Turner (Being Human) and Rob Kazinsky (EastEnders) will play Kili and Fili; Stephen Hunter (All Saints) will play Bombur; Graham McTavish (Secretariat) will play Dwalin; John Callen (Power Rangers Jungle Fury) will play Oin; Mark Hadlow (King Kong) will play Dori; and Peter Hambleton (The Strip) will play Gloin. Other possible cast members include James Nesbitt, David Tennant, Stephen Fry, Saoirse Ronan, and Bill Nighy (as the voice of the dragon Smaug), and Aiden Turner is also a possibility as the Elf King.

• Meanwhile, Warner Brothers and New Line confirmed that the production won’t necessarily take place in New Zealand, despite the settlement of a dispute with that country’s acting union earlier this week. Can you say “really bad blood”?

• Jack the Giant Killer (a retelling of Jack and Beanstalk) gets the green-light, with Bryan Singer directing.
  

• Oh, Lord, now they’re remaking Total Recall (possibly with Colin Farrell). Hollywood really can’t do anything original.

How I feel about all the damn sequels and remakes.

• And Sam Raimi is directing a remake of Day of the Triffids.
  

• Meanwhile, who gets to direct an original script? Yup, M. Night Shyamalan. I’m not making this up, folks!

• Major spoilers for the Alien prequel. (Yup, another sequel!)
  

• And now another Twilight Zone remake!

• Medieval zombies? Welsh rebels summon an undead army to try to defeat the British, in Stronghold, a would-be movie based on the novel by Paul Finch. At least it’s not a flippin’ sequel or remake!

• Guillermo del Toro gave up The Hobbit to work on … a video game based on H.P Lovecraft.

• An interesting take on the “Were Sam and Frodo gay?” question.

• How did geeks evolve? A flow-chart.

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A union of New Zealand actors has lifted a boycott they were staging over the terms that the producers of The Hobbit were offering, leaving the film free to shoot as scheduled in early 2011.

With the support of U.S. unions, the leadership of New Zealand Actors Equity had been asking for terms similar to those of U.S.-based actors, but 1500 local film workers recently marched on union officials, asking them to end the boycott.

Peter Jackson, who has threatened to move the production to another country despite already-built sets, sounds dubious that the move is enough to end the impasse.

He told the New Zealand press that the move “does nothing to help the film stay in New Zealand … The damage inflicted on our film industry by [the actors unions] is long since done.”

• Okay, so I was gone all weekend and wasn’t able to write up the news that the two-part 3D movie version of The Hobbit has been green-lit with Peter Jackson directing and a February start date, though — of course! — it’s still not quite official because there’s still at least one outstanding legal issue to be settled. But you know what? After all the delays and legal drama, I’m not sure I’d have written it up even if I had been in town. My attitude now is: I’m sure it’ll be great, but call me when the frickin’ thing is in theaters!

• Meanwhile, rumors abound that several actors have been cast, or are about to be cast, in the movie, including Martin Freeman (as Bilbo), Jimmy Nesbitt, Michael Fassbender, David Tennant, Doug Jones, and Slyvester McCoy. I like that they’re not well-known names (in the U.S.).

• Mark Sheppard (who plays Crowley on Supernatural among many other genre roles) has a huge role in the next Doctor Who series!
  

• Nathan Fillion wants the lead in Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune – and he needs your help to get it!

• Is it finally time to forgive George Lucas? (My answer: not even close.)
  

• Word is that Final Fantasy XIV (a MMO) sucks.

• Spoiler-y plot details for Sam Raimi’s next movie, Oz the Great and Powerful (a sort of Oz prequel).
  

• A deliberately (I think) obtuse definition of “fantasy.”

• An editor read a manuscript called The Adventures of Willy the Wizard, then eight years later, he passed it on to J.K. Rowling so she could rip it off in her book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire — or so says yet another plagiarism lawsuit against the Harry Potter author. I’m actually embarrassed for the party suing Rowling.

• The first five minutes of the upcoming animated movie Megamind:

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• Peter Jackson is definitely directing The Hobbit (duh), the movies will probably be in 3D and will cost a total of $500 million, and the original Lord of the Rings trilogy may also be redone in 3D!

• Does anyone care about the plot for the latest Superman reboot? Basically, DC’s 12-issue 2003 series Superman: Birthright.

• Warehouse 13 is coming back for a third season (again, duh). Also, showrunner Jack Kenny is getting a development deal!

• The Broadway musical version of the classic horror movie Carrie is considered one of the biggest flops of all time … so of course they’re bringing it back! (Actually, its notoriety has since made it a cult classic, so it does make sense.)

• A review of the The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, based on an early screening.

• What if Alfred Hitchcock has directed the trailer for Inception? Well-done.

• Now that’s a good book advertising campaign! “Vampires that don’t sparkle.”

• This sounds like a gag. Dungeons & Dragons is a finalist for the National Toy Hall of Fame, competing with chess, dominoes, the Magic 8-Ball, playing cards, and Hot Wheels. Existing “winners” include Barbie and “the stick.” Everyone’s treating this like it’s real, but I still say it’s a gag. “The stick”?

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A little late to the game here, but TheOneRing.net is reporting two intriguing rumors regarding the upcoming two-part movie version of The Hobbit:

• Supposedly, a leaked casting summery says of Bilbo that “although. . . he doesn’t have huge courage he does become, particularly in the last battle, very brave.” Since in the book, Bilbo is not very brave during the Battle of the Five Armies — he’s invisible and unconscious for much of it — the website speculates that the filmmakers are rewriting the story a bit, to make the character more active here. This actually makes a lot of sense from narrative point-of-view, though purists will no doubt be upset.

• Filming may finally begin in January with Martin Freeman (Tim from the U.K. version of The Office) in the title role. Freeman has reportedly been offered the part, but had to decline due to previous commitments — though the producers are supposedly committed to trying to make it work.

• Andrew Garfield is about to become a mega-household name with the Spider-man reboot, and The Hollywood Reporter gets him to open up. (For an extra dose of Garfield in a geeky part, check out his role in the Doctor Who “Daleks in Manhattan” episodes.)

• Blastr has an awesome list of 37 products based on Darth Vader that may not live up to the Sith Lord’s fearsome image. Come on, man. Pez? That is so not the dark side.

• For all my fellow twenty-somethings with a penchant for nostalgia out there, rejoice! Telltale Games has just optioned Back to the Future and Jurassic Park for video game-age!

• This isn’t necessarily fantasy-specific to the exclusion of other genres, but it’s pretty interesting: the guy who wrote the notorious “Jump the Shark” episode of Happy Days finally speaks out. While you can use that phrase for any show, God knows the world of fantasy has had its share of shark-jumpin’.

• The Ten Strangest Creative Liberties Ever Taken on Superhero TV Shows. There are no words.
  

• According to British tabloid The Sun, actor Martin Freeman turned down the role of Bilbo Baggins. The operative word here, however, is tabloid, so this could be as realistic as The Hobbit coming out next year. (Yeah, ouch.)

• For a while, I was a musical theater performer here in New York, and that experience taught me that sometimes … you just have to sing it out. Here, I’ll let the big guy explain:

• And if that dose of hilarity wasn’t enough for ya, the ever-outrageous folks at College Humor have tackled a subject that we’ve discussed here before — namely how is it possible M. Night Shyamalan keeps getting work? (Glad we’re not the only ones who see it!) Small world story: I actually know the actor playing the creepy bald guy, Josh Ruben. You’ve never looked better, Josh!