Four Torches (Out of Five)

Warning: This review contains minor spoilers for the “Missio” episode of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.

I’d gotten so accustomed to the insane, boundary-pushing shenanigans of the Spartacus series last year that I forgot there’s simply no other show on television like it. Period. Sure, shows have attempted to push the boundaries of violence and sex before, but have you ever seen things like decapitations, eviscerations, dismemberment, alongside open gay sex, public masturbation, and orgies handled so … well, nonchalantly?

Spartacus continues to be a show like no other, and I have no doubt that in the coming years we’ll see shows attempt to emulate it, but fall short, as mimics often do.

Anyway, onto this particular episode. While the first episode was understandably heavy on exposition — a season premiere requires a fair amount of world-building, after all — we’re back on track with an action-packed episode. After the sick beat-down Batiatus received last week, he was itching to get his revenge on his two assailants. After this episode, one is down with one to go.

An intriguing new character arrived this season: Gaia, an old friend (and a very close one at that) of Lucretia’s. In the first episode she seemed more like an older version of a naughty schoolgirl, but after the ingeniously crafted character of Ilithyia last season, I had my eye on her, and sure enough, she revealed herself to be  a web of ice-cold calculations under the beguiling smile and flighty facade.

The plot centers around a scheme by Batiatus to convince, through whatever means necessary, a wealthy patron named Varras to showcase Batiatus’ gladiators in his upcoming games, rather than his rivals’. Part of this scheme includes sending a gang of his new recruits — Ashur, the villainous scoundrel from Season 1 among them — to take out his rival, while Lucretia and Gaia are dispatched to seduce Varras into retreating from the sun to Batiatus’ villa. Lucretia, far from the willful femme fatale she becomes later on, is a bundle of nerves, while Gaia tells her to relax, and takes the lead.

Prequels are hard to pull off, because we know how the story ends, but one thing Spartacus is doing absolutely right is showing us virtually every character in a new way. Sure, we know what becomes of them, but this way, we enjoy the ride a whole lot more.

Once they succeed in luring Varras to the villa, the three of them work him over until he’s ready to choose one of Batiatus’ gladiators. The natural choice is Gannicus, the current champion, who impresses Varras with his defeat over Crixus, who will one day be the champion himself, of course.

And in a twist that only the writers of Spartacus would come up with, Batiatus then brings Gannicus to the chambers, clad only in a white tunic, and casually offers Varras an opportunity to have sex with him. Varras is certainly titillated, but drunk and under the influence of opium, would rather just watch Gannicus have sex with a nearby slave, who happens to be the wife of Gannicus’ friend.

Gaia, mind you, is interested in becoming Varras’ wife, social climber that she is, and yet she’s not put off in the slightest as Varras toys with having sex with a man, finally contenting himself to masturbate in everyone’s presence as Gannicus fornicates before his eyes.

To say this show is unique doesn’t even begin to do it justice. I’m pretty sure I never saw a scene like that in Two and a Half Men.

If there is a flaw in the series, it’s one of sad origin: without Andy Whitfield to anchor the show as a lead character, there’s a slightly meandering sense to the story, as though this is all subplot and we’ll eventually get to the A-story. Sure, Batiatus and Lucretia are delicious villains, but there’s a reason villains are seldom the protagonists, and while Gannicus is wonderfully cocky and full of hubris, the show doesn’t quite rest on his shoulders.

That having been said, I eagerly await the next installment.

Updated: January 8, 2011

Never miss an episode of your favorite fantasy TV show again!

What follows is a list of all fantasy and fantasy-esque shows currently on the air, the projected U.S. start-dates for upcoming seasons of existing and new television shows, and a look at some potential new shows that we will hopefully be seeing in the future.

We’ll keep this list as up-to-date as possible, so check back often.

Thanks to Vincent Austin for maintaining this feature.

Updated: October 22, 2010

Never miss an episode of your favorite fantasy TV show again!

What follows is a list of all fantasy and fantasy-esque shows currently on the air, the projected U.S. start-dates for upcoming seasons of existing and new television shows, and a look at some potential new shows that we will hopefully be seeing in the future.

We’ll keep this list as up-to-date as possible, so check back often.

Thanks to Vincent Austin for maintaining this feature.

This article was originally published in December, 2009.

Last week I pointed out the rather disgusting sexual appetites of certain fantasy heroines, namely Buffy Summers, Sookie Stackhouse, and Bella Swan.

But when you take a second look at these vampire/human couples, there’s another disturbing trend: an age gap.

Specifically, an age gap that in some cases spans several centuries.

And these are couples that in some cases involve a teenage girl. So why are we okay with this?

(Bill Compton of True Blood, you get a pass this week. Sure, you’re scandalously older than you’re girlfriend Sookie — you were in the Civil War, after all — but at least Sookie’s an adult.)

Let’s start with you, Edward Cullen, with your big dreamy eyes and your dirty, dirty hair. Sure, you may have that young, boy-next-door, Cedric Diggory-kind of appeal, but lurking behind that underdeveloped chest is the cold, dead heart of an old geezer. Does anyone else think it’s insanely creepy that an old man just keeps going back to high school?

It reminds me of that moment in Dazed and Confused when Matthew McConaughey says, “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” That was unsettling to hear from him, and he was a hot dude in his 20s!

And then you not only go after this girl, you fill her head with nonsense about how all you want to do is kill her, but you’re such a gentleman that you’ll behave and let her live. And somehow you get her to love you for it!

Do they not have Megan’s Law in Forks, Washington?

But of course, that’s merely Twilight, which came well after the couple that started it all: Buffy and Angel. Before they got all freaky with each other, it was relatively unheard of for humans to sleep with vampires. What did you unleash, Joss Whedon?

He was 247. She was 16. He kept telling her how much he loved her, and waited, patiently, until finally having sex with her on the night of her 17th birthday. You got that? He slept with her the moment she became legal. That’s just as creepy as all of those websites counting down to the day the Olsen twins turned 17.

And sure, she was technically legal when she started having crazy house-shattering sex with the punky Spike, but he was still over the hundred year mark, while she was a mere 21. And furthermore, he had been in her life since she was 16 — albeit as a mortal enemy — so he had known her in the context of being a child. What’s the deal, William the Bloody?

Aside from the fact that these are beautiful girls, one has to wonder just what someone who’s been alive that long would really have to talk about with a 16-year-old girl. Here’s a sample conversation:

Vampire: Hey, you.

Girl: Hey, you. You know what I was just thinking about? The ’90s. Man, the ’90s were kick-ass.

Vampire: The ’90s? Oh, please. They had nothing on the Roaring ’20s. Man, those days were the tops.

Girl: The top of what?

Vampire: No, the tops. The cat’s meow.

Girl: You have a cat? Aw, I love cats!

Vampire: Why don’t you listen to your i-Plod?

Girl: iPod.

Vampire: I miss speakeasies.

Yeah, not a lot in common. And yet in story after emo story, we see girls getting suckered in by these debonair vamps (and interestingly, almost never do we see these stories with the genders reversed).

So let this be a cautionary tale to concerned parents out there: if you see your daughter hanging around a boy with pale skin, an anguished expression, and an unusually vast knowledge of antiquated colloquialisms, get those crucifixes and garlic ready pronto. You’ll thank me when you don’t have any unexpected grandchildren with fangs.

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

This article was originally published in November, 2009.

I’m a tolerant guy. I believe in the mantra “live and let live.” I don’t judge other people for what they do behind closed doors, provided no one is being hurt, everyone is an adult, and everything is consensual.

But I’m taking a stand: I think sex with a dead body is pretty effin’ nasty.

So why are all these fantasy heroines doing it?

Personally, I blame Buffy, that sexed up vampire slayer. The girl had a thang for corpses. Yes, corpses, plural, because she did the deed with not one but two vampires, and all the Buffy the Vampire Layer jokes that can ever be made have already been exhausted.

Psychic redneck Sookie Stackhouse from HBO’s True Blood didn’t just sleep with a vampire — she inhabits a world where many people, male and female, chase the excitement of sex with the undead, and are given the hilarious moniker “fangbangers.” Genius.

And Bella Swan from Twilight? Well … okay, I don’t really know because I’ve never read the books, but I read online that she and Emo King Edward Cullen do eventually make the beast with two backs, despite the entire story being some kind of weird allegory for teen chastity. (Because how else to encourage young girls to guard their virtue by inundating them with sexual images of guys like the one below?)

It’s funny, this new creature that is the sexually active vampire. Vampires have been sensual creatures ever since Bram Stoker penned Dracula, and Anne Rice reinvigorated the idea of erotically appealing vamps with Interview with the Vampire way back in 1973. But Dracula never actually sealed the deal with Mina Harker, and Anne Rice made it clear that these were dead bodies that just happened to be walking around.

Lest you think they work like living bodies, Rice specifies. Never one to shy away from descriptions of bodily functions, she explained that once a person becomes a vampire, their body evacuates itself, and they can never eat (food) again. Furthermore, all their … stuff … stops working, so no sex for Lestat, sexy as he may be.

But then along came Buffy and Angel, and their tragic romance — she was born to kill all vampires, and he got all fangy whenever he got excited. So naturally, who better to lose her virginity to? According to Angel, vampires don’t breathe, even though we see him panting and smoking cigarettes at times. What’s more, we’re informed that his heart isn’t beating. But if … well … doesn’t his heart have to beat, so blood can flow in order to … well, you see where I’m going with this.

In any case, ew.

All the rules of death were thrown at the window for True Blood, because those southern vampires have a lot of sex. With a lot of people. In every conceivable combination. They’re still dead, though, Sookie! Gross!

As for Bella, well, I can tell from the inescapable advertisements for New Moon that she’s involved in a love triangle between vampire Edward and werewolf Jacob, so I guess it’s a toss-up between necrophilia and bestiality.  (I say go with the werewolf — at least he’ll keep you warm at night.)

I get the forbidden love, Romeo and Juliet angle that a relationship between a vampire and a human offers.

But ew! Dead bodies!

Fantasy television series have come and gone, but some remain in the minds of genre buffs long after their run on the tube has ended.

Two of the most iconic are Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena: Warrior Princess.

Years after they wrapped, conventions are still held in their honor, millions remain devoted fans, and the actors who played the central roles have officially achieved break-out celebrity superstardom as a result of their performances.

And yet both Buffy and Xena had a counterpart series featuring a male hero that has seemed to fade into the background.

So why isn’t there love for Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Angel the way there is for Xena and Buffy?

Perhaps a female action hero is innately more exciting to watch, both aesthetically and contextually. Despite whatever fighting abilities she has (supernatural or otherwise), she might seem to be more of an underdog when facing off against a larger opponent, making for better drama. The stakes might “feel” higher than if it were two dudes of equal size slugging it out.

Or it could be – and this is my thesis statement – that Xena and Buffy were simply the better-written shows. On Hercules, Kevin Sorbo played the titular son of Zeus as a peace-loving, sensitive, noble hero who always took the moral high ground, who only fought when it was absolutely necessary, and who (mostly) refrained from sleeping with the ladies he rescued on a weekly basis.

This is a sharp contrast to the mythological vision of Hercules, whom the ancients knew as a loud, boorish brute, a cocky demigod, and a notorious ladies’ man (and in true ancient Greek fashion, had an eye for the younger gentlemen as well). He was constantly getting into fights, and was the father of many children, both in and out of wedlock.

Which version would you rather hang out with? By reimagining Hercules as a champion of the underdog and a ‘90s-friendly sensitive male lead, they effectively neutered their main character.

Xena, on the other hand, was an antihero, a former villain seeking redemption. She had done terrible things in her past, and every good deed she performed was fueled by a crushing guilt, an urge to balance out her life and find redemption. She had a much darker streak than Hercules, was quicker to fight, and was far more aware of her sexuality, which she could wield as a weapon as easily as her chakram.

Is it any surprise people flocked to watch her far more than her parent show — and remember it more fondly?

Angel and Buffy had a different relationship. Angel, like Xena, was actually the darker show and the spin-off, and like Xena, the vampire with a soul was seeking forgiveness for the sins of his past … even though he didn’t technically commit them, since his soul had been taken.

(The show never explains exactly where a soul goes when one becomes a vampire beyond describing it as the “ether.” Apparently the ether is not too far away, as souls can be easily recalled. It’s probably best not to worry about it too much.)

And yet Buffy worked in a way that Angel didn’t. The strength of Buffy was that it featured teenagers facing troubles and issues the likes of which the adults in their world could never bear, which is why the show lost a lot of its steam in the final two seasons when the characters left school, got jobs, and became surrogate parents to Buffy’s sister Dawn.

What’s more, the heart and soul of Buffy was the relationship between its four core characters: Buffy, Giles, Willow, and Xander. This nucleus of the “Scooby Gang” was the glue that held the show together, despite the revolving door of “extended-family” characters, like Tara, Spike, Riley, Anya, etc.

On Angel, they made a valiant attempt to create an equivalent “Team Angel,” but it never really gelled until the fifth season, and by then the show had been canceled. It was a tragedy heard ‘round the Buffyverse: just as a show found its stride, it was given the axe. Actually, it was very much like a Joss Whedon plot twist.

It seems that those involved with Hercules and Angel will have to content themselves with the fact that their shows were extensions of a brand that was dominated by a more feminine hand.

Well, keep believing, boys. One day we’ll break right through that glass ceiling. One day.

Looking to buy Buffy or Xena on DVD (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

Last week, the end game of Eric’s season-long ruse to destroy Russell Edgington came to a head, when he handcuffed the king to him after luring him out into the sunlight. Sacrificing yourself to destroy your arch nemesis? Eric could give Vlad the Impaler lessons in gothitude.

Sookie, of course, comes to the rescue, because she just has to ruin a good goth time, what with her perky blondness and fairy powers (which even she agrees is “f&%king lame.”) But after rescuing Eric and leaving Russell to die, Eric commands her to save Russell as well, because a vision of his beloved Godric told him to. Uh … huh. So she does … by pulling him in with a silver chain around his neck. Not too bad, Sookie. You’re still nowhere near goth, however.

But what’s this? After sending the other vampires off to bed, Sookie then sits around watching the vampire king struggle, taunting him all the way? Could this be a turning goth point for her?

And then, by all things dark and unholy! She grabs Talbot’s remains and flushes him down the sink?! Who knew the simple waitress from Merlott’s had it in her?

Speaking of the Merlott’s staff, it turns out Lafayette is still haunted by the demons he first saw when tripping on vampire blood with Jesus. Yeah, like we all haven’t been there. Goth, please. One of his visions included Rene hissing that his baby is inside Arlene. Um … gross.

Meanwhile, Mr. Merlott himself has tracked down his redneck shifter brother Tommy, who has stolen all the money from Sam’s safe. Sam then possibly shoots him. But we’ll have to wait until next summer to know for sure. That is what one calls a “gothhanger.”

After some goth deliberation, Eric decides the best punishment for Russell would be to bury him alive, where he’ll be forced to undergo immortality encased in concrete. Tres goth, you Viking maniac.

Bill then attempts to deliver Eric the same fate … but he should know by now that you can never keep a goth Viking down. Eric shows up at Sookie’s door while Bill is there and tells her about all the horrible things Bill was doing behind her back. That’s beyond goth, actually. That’s just bitchy.

Bill is rightfully gothed-out angry, so he summons the vampire queen, Sophie-Anne, solely for the purpose of playing The Matrix with her. Apparently, vampires take that game very seriously.

Well, that about ends the episode, as well as the season. Turns out this was one of the gothest seasons yet, and this episode sure packed a punch. I couldn’t imagine a more fitting season finale, as every single character, even the impossibly cheerful fairy Sookie, turned into a hot gothy mess. I can’t imagine anyone doing anything to bring any light into the darkness of Bon Temps, which is just the way I like it …

… except of course embracing your fairy heritage and teleporting in a ball of glimmering light.

Oh, god damn it, Sookie.

Until next year, my grubby little goblins — goth out.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

Last week, Eric, in all his infinite gothness, decided to use Sookie as bait in order to make a deal with the insane vampire king, Russell Edgington, who was none too pleased with Eric after he murdered Russell’s husband, Talbot. So, naturally, he chained her up in the basement. So goth.

After he takes off, Bill runs in, sensing Sookie’s in trouble. Usually Mr. Compton knows how to bring the goth, but this dashing hero routine is just so tired. Fortunately, the sexy and eternally goth Pam is there to spray a little silver into his face. Yes, Bill. Feast on your delicious agony.

Wait, what happened? First Bill has rejected his innate gothness, then Sookie picks up the slack by silver-choking Pam? Wow, who knew?

Meanwhile, Tara is sizing up her life of the past few months: she finally met someone she loved, only to have him shot, and then was tortured by an insane vampire. So she surrenders to despair and weeps in a graveyard at night. And really, haven’t we all been there?

Following a V-induced trip, Lafayette and Jesus are sitting in the living room when Lafayette hallucinates that Jesus has turned into … whatever that thing is. Imagining your lover as a hideous demon? I think Lafayette may just be pulling his goth weight this week. Well, it’s about time.

So first Sookie goes goth, then Lafayette goes gother, and now it looks like Arlene, who employed her witch friend to magically murder her unborn baby, may take the goth gold ring. Arlene! What’s in the water in Bon Temps tonight?

Sookie and Bill are driving across town, imagining their lives as a perfect, happy rural couple. Disgusting. Fortunately, Russell and Eric arrive to put a stop to it. Tres goth, gentlemen. Good show. It turns out Eric wants to encourage Russell to drink Sookie’s fairy blood so he can walk in the sunlight. (I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone ever want to walk in the sunlight?)

Well, never fear. This desire for sunlight isn’t some de-gothing on Eric’s part. It turns out it was an elaborate ruse to trap Russell under the sun and kill him. Of course, it will kill Eric as well.

But that’s how a truly goth man rolls.

Till next time, my little demons … goth out.

There are many things I love in life. I love my parents. I love my friends. I love playing online Tetris for free. I love a tall, ice-cold pint of beer. I love that the space bar will pause Youtube, Hulu, and Netflix Instant viewing.

I love all of these things and never have to defend that. But one thing I occasionally do find myself defending is my love of fantasy.

In a way, I get it. Fantasy is, on its surface, a genre packed to the gills with elves, dragons, and wizards — not exactly grown-up fair. How can a story with magic spells and dashing princes compare to the very realistic plays of Tennessee Williams, the written works of Jack Kerouac, or the films of Gus Van Sant? What makes fantasy so great?

In a word: metaphor.

For those not too proud to explore a work of fantasy and not too dense to look beneath its surface, the fantasy genre is a rich addition to the literary, film, and television canon because it explores very real human problems and desires by creating allegories through which to explore them.

Name any fantasy work that has withstood the test of time, and you will find in it a fable full of lessons of all too real applicability.

Michael Ende’s landmark novel, The Neverending Story, which was turned into a decent movie in the ’80s, is about a young boy named Bastian Balthazar Bux, who is neglected by his father and bullied by his schoolmates. He finds a book that transports him into another world called Fantasia, a world that is the embodiment of all the dreams and fantasies of the real world, which is being destroyed by an enemy called the Nothing.

The story is moving and absorbing not due to its host of magical creatures, but because it taps in all of us that longing to be a child again, to be able to lose yourself in worlds of your own creation, before the dark, unimaginative specter of adulthood falls upon us.

This theme of the wonder of a child’s imagination is explored many times over in fantasy, from The Wizard of Oz to The Chronicles of Narnia to Labyrinth.

While passionate, romantic love is a theme explored in virtually every genre imaginable, has there ever been a better representation of the honest, pure love between friends as there was in The Lord of the Rings? The entire sprawling epic that is Tolkien’s masterpiece essentially hangs on a single conceit: that we as an audience accept that Sam will do anything for Frodo.

This is a hard sell for some, because the notion of the power and beauty of platonic love is not a prevalent idea in our culture. Their relationship isn’t romantic so there’s no promise of sex. Frodo is hardly royalty so there’s no allure of vast treasures. Sam is committed to Frodo, with no reward expected, because that’s just the kind of person he is, and who wouldn’t want a friend like Sam? Who wouldn’t want to be a friend like Sam?

Toss in the fact that it’s two lowly hobbits, humble and small in stature, who succeed in saving the world, and you have a classic for the ages. It takes a story about hobbits to make us see the wonder in our fellow man.

This past year, the high fantasy television show Legend of the Seeker came into its own when episodes began appearing that were not necessarily part of the larger plot, but instead focused on characters by throwing them into fantastical situations that mirrored real life problems.

Kahlan, a young woman who was torn between her sense of duty and her love for her companion, Richard, was in one episode magically split into two people, and through this spell we came to learn much about her and how difficult her burden really was.

Another episode featured Cara, a woman who was abducted and brainwashed and turned into a killer. As she attempted to regain her humanity, she was turned into a Baneling (basically a sentient zombie), thus making her metaphorical fight to be a regular person quite literal.

The point is that we could have simply watched biopics of Margaret Thatcher or Patty Hearst, and I’m sure some would be content to do just that, but those projects are limited to the real and mundane. By steeping a story in allegory, you have a much larger canvas on which to paint.

I suppose the fantasy genre will always be overlooked by those who wish to appear highbrow. After all, magic and flights of fancy are a hard sell to the academic.

But for those of us in the know, fantasy has a way of engaging our suspension of disbelief by accessing the emotional truths in stories about hobbits and goblins, and reflecting the realities of our world through a supernatural lens. Like opera and musical theater, which engage our emotions through music rather than realism, fantasy will forever be a step removed from reality, but never so far that we can’t recognize it. And it’s because of that very distance from reality that the genre is able to remark on it so keenly.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

For those of you not too gothed out to remember, last week ended with Sookie finally embracing the goth and bitch-slapping werewolf Debbie out, while Eric dispatched Russell Edgington’s husband Talbot at a really unfortunate time. Sex death. It doesn’t get any gother than that.

Eric rushes back to Fangtasia and encounters the deliciously goth Pam, who is undermining her overwhelming darkness by being concerned for him.

In no time at all, the surprisingly sinister Nan (could a surprise ever be more welcome?) shows up and grills Eric about what happened to the Magister, eventually deciding, along with the mysterious Authority, that Eric has to clean up his own goth mess all by his own goth self.

Could it be all their blood-swapping has made them trade places? As Sookie grows darker, Bill finds himself in the blindingly happy fairy-tale world where Sookie once traveled to. Gross.

For thos who like their plate of goth with crazy on the side, Lafayette’s mother stopped by for her daily dose of loco. But by now Lafayette and Jesus are way too in love to be goth, so we’re moving on.

Meanwhile, Sam is worried the viewers will forget he’s a character on this show, so he beats the crap out of someone at the bar. Personally, I’d go with locating the masters of the dark arts and joining them in their fiendish plots of demonic domination, but to each his own.

Shocking no one, Franklin returns, even crazier than Lafayette’s mom. But we are surprised to see ray of sunshine Jason Stackhouse shoot him with a wooden bullet through the heart. Oh, Jason, that was the gothest you’ve ever been. Good show.

But not one to be out-gothed, Russell shows up on the primetime news and separates an anchor from his spine.

And that is why it’s goth to be the king.

Goth out!

Never miss an episode of your favorite fantasy TV show again!

What follows is a list of all fantasy and fantasy-esque shows currently on the air, the projected U.S. start-dates for upcoming seasons of existing and new television shows, and a look at some potential new shows that we will hopefully be seeing in the future.

We’ll keep this list as up-to-date as possible, so check back often.

Thanks to Vincent Austin for maintaining this feature.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

For those of you too encased in the vapors of misery to recall, last week ended with Sookie being awakened from her coma by Bill feeding her his blood through an IV. Of course, he had put her in the coma, so it sort of evens out.

This ends with Sookie and Bill breaking up. Yes, that’s right. In an odd departure from her usual perky self, Sookie embraces the inexorable reality that life is but a ceaselessly flowing river of pain and surrenders to despair, causing Bill to cry … and making him look like he should be auditioning for a community theater production of A Clockwork Orange: The Musical. Depressing, Bill, but not exactly goth. What happened to you? You were my go-to goth!

Meanwhile, at Russell Edgington’s home, his lover Talbot is none too pleased that Russell decided to marry Queen Sophie-Anne for political reasons. Talbot is on the verge of goth, but sadly just ends up whiny.

But at least Sookie has, uncharacteristically, decided to give us a full on goth parade this episode, which she proves by …

Oh, god dammit. Moving on …

We’re given another example of surprising gothitude when Arlene – yes, Arlene – has a hallucination about her late murderous fiancee, Renee. Well, well, Arlene. I didn’t know you had it in you. You have impressed me.

Wow, you know what’s really not goth? Vampires hugging.

Someone who hasn’t let us down in the goth department is Eric, who has been giving the ol’ sexy eye to both Talbot and Russell for the past few episodes. Here it culminates in a passionate rendezvous with Talbot … right before Eric stakes him to avenge his family’s death at the hands of Russell. Super goth points, Eric!

Of course, the King of Mississippi is also the King of Goth, as Russell demonstrates her by chowing down on our beloved Baby Jessica.

In an episode full of twists and turns as far as who’s goth and who’s not, can we really be surprised that the show’s supercouple decides to cap it off with one of the gothest sex scenes yet? After a knockdown-dragout battle with werewolf Debbie, Buffy Sookie does what she does best — have angsty, gothy sex with Bill. So what else is new?

So there you have it, my gruesome hell-beasts. Not a consistently goth episode, but at least we weren’t subjected to a Sookie-hallucination-inspired scene of angel-fairy-hippies frolicking around a pond.

Till nest time, goth out.