Like you, we’ve gotten caught up in the Olympic hullabaloo over the last two weeks. There’s something about international cooperation and elite athletes and musical montages and Bob Costas’ voice that just fills us with unusual glee.

But as much as we like those things, we can’t help but think they might be improved upon with a little help from the fantasy world. Here are some sports we here at TheTorchOnline.com would really like to see in the 2014 Winter Games:

Panserbjørne Polo — Regular old horse and pony polo doesn’t have a place in the Olympics because, frankly, it’s too elitist and boring for the average citizen of the world. But what about polo carried out in the snowy mountains on the back of an armor-covered bear? Now, that’s exciting! Especially if the player’s dæmons are running interference! We know that, strictly speaking, panserbjørnes aren’t supposed to let humans ride them, but for a chance at international glory (and a shot at landing on the cover of a Wheaties box), we’re pretty sure plenty of bears would participate.

Tesseract Track Speed Skating — If you’ve seen one speed skating race, you’ve seen them all. Oh, sure, the sport tries to keep things fresh by mixing up the distances, but after about three races, we’re begging for a pile up. To add a little adventure to speed skating, we think it should take place in more than one physical plane. After a few laps around the ice, skaters would be forced to wrinkle to another dimension. And then another. And then back to their original track. Keep your balance and wits about you in that kind of race and you deserve to win a medal.

Flux Capacitor Bobsled — Quite similar to the Tesseract Track, but in this sport, teams would strap a flux capacitor to their sleds and be forced to hit 88 miles per hour before the track runs out. Teams will finish in the next Olympics. Not only does it add an element of surprise to the competition (teams won’t be able to study the second half of the track in the future!), it also keeps viewers on the edges of their seat for another four years. It also doubles the potential television coverage. Races are finishing up from the last Olympics, and races are taking off in the current Olympics.

Middle-earth Curling — Did you know that traditional curling stones are made from a specific kind of ailsite that can only be found on Ailsa Craig, off the coast of Scotland? Experts are pretty sure there’s only enough ailsite for about 20 more years of curling. It doesn’t matter much, though, because it’s not a very exciting game. What if, instead of securing ailsite from the Highlands, curling stones were forged in the fire of Mount Doom? With, say, one stone to rule them all, one stone to find them, one stone to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. We’d like that, wouldn’t we Precious? Tricksy little sweepsers, aren’t they? Yes, yes, Precious.

Turkish Delight Cook-off — The standard for Turkish Delight belongs to the White Witch of Narnia, of course. But this blasted cold weather makes us want more, more, more! Every four years, the best chefs in the country should come together and have a bake off to see who can create the most magical version of the dessert. It becomes infinitely more interesting if Tilda Swinton judges the competition on live TV. She would make Gordon Ramsey look like a puppy.

Wonkathon — Our favorite event of the Winter Olympics is the biathlon because it reminds us of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare obstacle course from when we were kids — only a little more dangerous on account of the guns. We think an actual obstacle course would be a good add to the Winter Games, especially if it was designed by Willy Wonka. Chocolate rivers, trippy boat rides, experimental TV equipment, magical animals, Oompa-Loompas: any athlete would be lucky to make it through alive! In addition to the medals, winners of the Wonkathon would receive a lifetime supply of everlasting gobstoppers. Though, if they really are everlasting, you’d probably only need the one.

Lightsaber Skating — Figure skating is a classic favorite. We love it, we really do. But we think we could amp the entertainment value (and athletic prowess) if we turned down the lights and required each skater to compete with lightsaber. The whizzing and twirling and jumping and tossing would be even more artistic (and awesomely dangerous) with the added equipment. Plus, the sport suddenly becomes marketable. What child would leave the arena without a lightsaber of his or her own from the souvenir stand? What adult, for that matter?

Quidditch Tournament — We’ve got nothing to add to J.K. Rowling’s magical competition. We’d just like to see it in the Olympics is all.

Now, be honest — would you rather watch the IOC’s version of the Olympics or our version of The Olympics?

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• Hey, a movie based on Mistborn is in the works! And author Brandon Sanderson is actually optimistic that it might get made.

• The Vatican has come out strongly against Avatar, because it presents “nature-worship.” Sadly, I think this (a) completely misses the point of the movie, and (b) is just more of their usual “man is the center of the universe” nonsense. Expect them to denounce The Force soon too.

• Everyone else is posting it, so I might as well: Star Wars burlesque — and Leia in the metal bikini is the least of it! The whole photo gallery here.

• Yes, I’m deliberately ignoring the whole Spider-Man fiasco. Everyone here knows what I think about sequels and “reboots,” especially in the superhero genre (cynical and unbelievably tired). You know what? There’s no Constitutional amendment that says that there must always be a “current” franchise for all these characters! Every time you retell one of these stories for the 30,000th time, that means there’s one more newer, fresher story that won’t get told. (Well, hey, I guess I didn’t ignore it after all.)

• It’s not fantasy-specific, but an interesting short piece on how all authors repeat themselves, but some outright recycle (*cough* John Irving *cough*).

• As I read this, it sounds like Buena Vista will release a soundtrack for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, and another CD, Almost Alice, with the movie’s theme song and a bunch of other songs by familiar artists “inspired” by the characters in the movie (although the music doesn’t actually exist in the movie). This is either brilliant or cynical, depending on your point-of-view.

• Speaking of unnecessary sequels, Ivan Reitman will direct Ghostbusters 3. More bad news? The screenplay is by the writers of the painfully unfunny Year One.

• This interview with J.J. Abrams about Fringe, about how they’re still trying to decide the series’ overall story arc (and if, like Lost, it should have a definite “ending”), seems to be missing one crucial point: ratings have been lousy all season, and it may not be their choice when the show ends.

• Do you think D&D 4.0 is bland and homogeneous — that they tried to turn it into World of Warcraft? One blogger has a solution.

• I honestly thought this was a joke, but I guess it’s not: Christopher “Saruman” Lee (seen in the From the Palantir logo, above!) is releasing a “symphonic metal” album. Shades of Leonard Nimoy singing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins?

• It’s official: Clash of the Titans won’t be 3-D. The glasses make my ears hurt anyway.

• The incredible shrinking sci-fi project! First, it was a series, then it was a mini-series, now it’s a two-hour movie! Poor Day One. If it does well, it could still be a series, but let’s face it: this (along with poor ratings for Heroes, Fringe, Flash Forward, and other shows) does not bode well for sci-fi on network TV.

• Are The Chronicles of Narnia being de-Christianed? The right-wing news outlet The Washington Times thinks so. But given how outrageously biased everything I read in that newspaper is — think Fox “News” without even Shepherd Smith — I am skeptical of anything they say.

• Follow us on Twitter.

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• For the next four weeks, they’re offering tours of the set for The Voyage of the Dawn Treader at something called Movie World, which is a theme park in the Gold Coast of Australia.

• Earlier this week, I complained that I was reading critics’ list of the best movies of the 00s and they didn’t include The Lord of the Rings, but in fairness, here’s a list of all the critics who did. I especially appreciate the critics who included all three movies in three different spots, not just lumping them together in one slot. Interestingly, Metacritic says that The Return of the King was the best-reviewed of the all the decade’s Best Picture winners.

• Is Avatar unconsciously racist (or at least racially insensitive)? The argument is that the story of minority-liberation is told, yet again, from the POV of a member of the “white” majority; racial minorities are allowed to be sort of “side-heroes” in their own story, but they really exist only to motivate the main character, who is the one who does all the changing. It’s a compelling argument, but I agree with this writer, that the “racist” argument misses the point of the movie, that Jake’s transformation has all the elements of good drama. More baldly, I’d also point out that the way the existing movie is framed, it’s far more likely to seen by a “white majority,” exposing them to the whole issue of the oppression of native and indigenous people; in short, the audience is “transformed” along with Jake. But since “the Great White Hope” is typically the only way this story is ever told, I totally get how some native people could be annoyed.

• Speaking of politics, is Pixar socially conservative? Uh, frankly, I’m annoyed and offended by the whole idea that only conservatives care about “family” — I’d argue that, rhetoric aside, the exact opposite is often true. As for The Incredibles being somewhat Ayn Randian, I had no idea that Mr. Incredible was supposed to be any kind of role model. I interpreted the character to be an annoying, arrogant, entitled a**hole.

• Thanks to Avatar and Harry Potter (and, in must be said, Twilight and Transformers), Hollywood set a record. And it’s not just because ticket prices are up (in part, due to 3-D); overall ticket sales were up 4% too.

• EW does a survey which results in Harry Potter being named “entertainer” of the decade. I’m not exactly sure what this means, but I suppose it’s fair.

• Ten (funny) reasons why 2010 will be crap. Here’s what they say about Voyage of the Dawn Treader (to be released this year): “Oh really? You’re really going to make all the Narnia movies, even though The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe is literally the only one that people like? The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader hasn’t got any witches OR wardrobes in it, plus all the adorable child actors from the first film are all about 35 years old by now. Plus it’s about a boat. Plus if they keep making Narnia films, we’ll eventually have to put up with The Horse And His Boy, a story about a horse. And a boy. Crap crap crappity crap.”

• Peter Jackson and Patrick Stewart have both been knighted. I should hope so! But I hope it doesn’t make me a geek when I point out that Stewart was already a knight, having played King Leondegrance, Guinevere’s father, in the 1981 film Excalibur.

• After Robert Downey Jr. has been on all the talk shows joking that Sherlock Holmes and Watson are secretly gay, the rights-holder to the character says she would withdraw her permission if this was pursued in future films (but, of course, she’s not anti-gay!). First, Downey is clearly joking. Second, there’s no way in hell a studio would invest this much in a movie without first making sure they have iron-clad sequel rights.

• Jon Stewart discusses fan reaction (positive and very, very negative) to Star Wars with George Lucas. Truthfully, it’s pretty interesting, especially talking about the generational differences. (Stewart says, hilariously, “My son says his favorite movie is The Phantom Menace. And I’ve explained to him, ‘No, it isn’t!’”

• Stephen King named 2012 as one of his favorite movies of 2009. Apparently, when he was knocked over by that van a few years back, he took a serious blow to the head!

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Have a question about something fantasy-related? Ask the Oracle! (Be sure to include your first name and the city, state, and/or country you are writing from.)

Q: Why do you think some fantasy and sci-fi authors collect such rabid and aggressive fans? I’ve been involved in internet-based communities centered around various fantasy authors (who shall remain nameless) for a long time now. Some of these authors attract really rabid fans who are hostile to newbies posting on the boards, are incredibly nit-picky about minor details, and who are dare we say it, obsessive, about the minutiae of the world the author writes about. Is it just that people are freer to be nasty when there is no face-to-face contact and therefore no social awkwardness? Or is there something else? I have to stress not *all* fantasy writers have those kinds of fans. — Ralph, Christchurch, NZ

A: Ralph, I think every fantasy or sci-fi author does have some fans like this — at least once he or she reaches a certain level of fame. And the reason why, as you suggest, has to do, in part, with the anonymous nature of the internet, but also just the nature of geekdom. As much as the Oracle (a geek to my core) hates to admit it, there might be some truth to the stereotype that a small sub-set of geeks has, well, social problems. We’re all best off ignoring them, because all they really want is attention — since, obviously, they have no friends.

As James Cameron says of his Avatar critics, in the latest issue of EW: “Look, most of these people are the kind of person that will say [in a nerdy, nasal voice] ‘The 14th time I saw this movie, I saw something I didn’t like, and so I hate this film.’ That’s the kind of hate I can live with.”

Then again, does this have anything to do with fantasy (or sci-fi)? The Oracle wonders. I suspect every genre has its share of infuriating jerks. Maybe it’s just the fact that fantasy and sci-fi aficionados are more likely to turn to the internet — a place that, unfortunately, allows jerks to have freer reign.

For a longer perspective, the Oracle asked Piers Anthony — a true fantasy-writing legend for many decades now — for his take.

“I have seen the kind of behavior you describe in organized science fiction and fantasy fandom,” he tells the Oracle. “Being dedicated, I can appreciate; being in-group clubby strikes me as something else, and I have never supported it. My contempt for it has been open and perhaps as a result I have been tacitly blacklisted in some areas, with false stories spread about me, and no positive reviews allowed.

“But the old fandom is passing, being replaced by Internet Fandom, which is a new game,” Piers says. “It does not seem hostile to me, and I seldom receive negative emails. It may be that I don’t frequent the right sites to pick up on the negatives. I do get specific questions, and appreciate them, I mark corrections on my file copies of novels so that they can be corrected when there are new editions. Writers do make mistakes; I hate getting fouled up, but how can I correct errors if no one points them out to me? So I see it as a service, not as nastiness.”

This is such a fascinating topic the Oracle suspects he may have more to say on it next week!

Q: Exactly how much time passed between The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe and Prince Caspian? It doesn’t seem like enough time for Cair Paravel to have become an island! — MAGPIE, Toronto, Canada

A: Interestingly, while most of the events in The Chronicles of Narnia do not have exact years and dates, author C.S. Lewis did create a “time-line” of Narnian history before he died in 1963; it was published in 1979.

From this time-line, we know that exactly 1289 years pass between the time the Pevensies (as adult kings and queens chasing the White Stag) leave Narnia for the first time and their return in Prince Caspian (as children again — how weird must it have been for them to go through puberty twice!).

Is that enough time for the peninsula on which Cair Paravel sits to turn into an island? Maybe not, but keep in mind that the castle sits on the mouth of the Great River of Narnia, and if any piece of land was going to change that dramatically that quickly, it would be the delta of a great river.

In all, again according to Lewis’ time-line, Narnia existed a mere 2555 years.

Q: Your article that mentioned the mynock in The Empire Strikes Back got me thinking about how ridiculous that scene is where they put on those flimsy breathing masks and basically go out into deep space (albeit in the belly of a space slug). Or am I missing something? Would the fact that the space-slug is reportedly a silicon-based life form make a difference?  — Tom, Seattle, WA

A: None whatsoever. They’re basically stepping into the vacuum of deep space, so they’d be overcome by painful hemorrhaging and they would not be able to maintain enough pressure in their lungs to get oxygen into their blood. Depending on how close they are to a star, they probably wouldn’t have been able to survive the temperature either. And I’m not even getting into the issue of the asteroid’s much lower gravity.

That said, the worm itself somehow survives in deep space — eating what, I don’t know — so I suppose you could build some kind of rationale for their survival around that.

And I guess it’s possible that those “flimsy” face-masks could have created some kind of instant, invisible whole-body force-field that surrounded them (perhaps it “surrounded them and penetrated them, binding Han and Leia together”).

Since we’re talking about the asteroid scene in The Empire Strikes Back, it’s worth nothing that several of the asteroids are supposedly not “asteroids” at all. One is supposed to be a shoe — a payback at George Lucas, who the effects department considered to be too demanding.

Hey, we’ve already established that scientific accuracy was not a big part of the Star Wars films!

Here’s the “shoe,” but I’m not sure I see it:

Other “asteroids” are said to be both potatoes (which the effects department thought looked like asteroids — remember, the original effects were all pre-CGI) and popcorn, as when the first Empire fighter is destroyed while pursuing the Millenium Falcon:

Maybe. But the Oracle suspects they might be putting us all on.

Q: Just putting in a plug for Edwards Scissorshands as a great Christmas-themed fantasy film! – Ed, Newport News, VI

A: Duly noted — and the Oracle agrees!

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Dear George,

What up, dawg, it’s TheTorchOnline.com. Listen, I know that you’re busy right now putting together the live-action Star Wars TV show (due in 2012), and you don’t have a lot of time on your hands, so I’ll keep this quick.

So, you know how you told me that I should never hesitate to throw my two cents in when you’re working on something Star Wars- related? Well, you asked for it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the TV show, and I’ve come up with a list of five bullet points that will really help you out in the coming months.

Okay, away we go…

5. Give us strong, relatable, Luke/Han/Leia-esque characters.

Remember how everyone loved you after the original trilogy? Remember how … uh, how do I put this nicely … the same wasn’t exactly true for the prequel trilogy?

Here’s the deal. What made the first three so good was the attention to the characters and their relationships to each other. Sure, the battles were epic and the effects impressive, but it’s a meaningless light show if we don’t care about who’s in the middle of it. And as hot as they are, Natalie and Hayden just didn’t have it.

Cast well, my friend. (And if you’re going to write a love story, hey, go for it. But you might want to get someone else to write the dialogue for you. No, scratch that. You definitely do. Trust me on this one.)

4. Don’t forget that women, like men, can do stuff.

I’m the first to give you props — you were ahead of your time when you came up with the kick-ass Leia. But the world’s changed since then, and even though Padme was pretty cool, you’re allowed to have more than just one woman in a sprawling, epic masterpiece. Hey, thousands of fangirls love Star Wars just as much as their male counterparts. Why not throw them a bone?

It’s a shame that perhaps the coolest female Star Wars character ever — Mara Jade — was never even seen in real life. Fans want to see some lady action. Don’t be afraid to show some female warriors. You’ll be glad you did.

3. Steer clear of the racial stereotypes, okay?

Well, this is kind of a sticky issue. I don’t know if you did this on purpose or not, but The Phantom Menace had a couple of cringe-inducing characters that seemed like, uh, racist caricatures. Sorry, might as well just put it out there. But come on, man. Jar-Jar? The Trade Federation? Watto? What were you thinking?

You know what? I’m sure you’ve heard this enough. I know that Star Wars is supposed to be a throwback to the science fiction serials of your youth, but some ugly parts of the cinema of yesteryear are best left in, you know, yesteryear. That stuff isn’t cool anymore, even if it’s some kind of weird homage. ‘Kay? ‘Kay.

2. Give us what we want - Action! Fantasy! Spectacle!

Remember, the whole point of Star Wars is it should be fun! If you ask your average fanboy what they love about Star Wars, they’ll say one of the following: Lightsabers. Force-choking. Speeders. Dogfights in space. Rancors!

Remember what I said about solid, relatable characters? Okay, it’s still true, but once you have those truly great characters who we empathize with, feel connected to, care about, and want to see succeed, then throw those bitches into a rancor pit!

And if you feel like tossing in huge melee lightsaber battles, then friend, I say trust your gut.

And finally, and this is most important…

1. No. Gungans. Ever.

Okay, so now that we’ve covered all of our bases, I can do nothing more except wish you luck. We all have your back, buddy. We want this to be good. We’re actually kind of hungering for it. Please, please, don’t let us down.

But no pressure or anything.

All Our Best,

TheTorchOnline.com

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The new TV show based in the Star Wars universe, coming in 2010? I’m calling it right now: it’s going to be a show all about Jar Jar Binks. His childhood. His teen years, and the blossoming of young Gungan love. (Think of it as Jar Jar’s Creek.) His rise to authority as part of the Galactic Senate. The series will conclude with his twilight years, wherein he sends his children off into the galaxy, and after reflecting on his life, he will realize, “You-sa people liked me. You-sa people really liked me.”

And then he dies.

Well, maybe not. But what do we know about the mysterious live-action Star Wars TV show?

Turns out not so much. A lot has been rumored, a lot has been proposed, but in terms of cold hard facts, there’s a serious paucity.

Early reports are that the series will be set between the third and fourth movie “episodes,” being the finale of the prequel trilogy, Revenge of the Sith, and the first movie, once simply called Star Wars, now titled A New Hope.

So we know concretely that Luke and Leia are already born and have been separated for their protection. Padme is kaput. Anakin is Darth Vader, and Emperor Palpatine rules the empire.

According to this article, Lucas has stated that the series will really be “One show that will split into four shows, focusing on different characters.” Two years earlier, Producer Rick McCallum said, “I think if we can get [the live action Star Wars TV series] right, it’s something that can go on for years and years. One of the ideas is that we’ll have multiple series going on in about two or three year’s time.”

You mean, like Star Wars: Tatooine, Star Wars: Atlantis, Star Wars: Special Victims Unit, etc?

Here’s my issue with that: I don’t like it. Seriously, that’s my issue. Allow me to expound. When shows splinter into a multitude of franchises, I rarely think they’re happening out of some earnest artistic desire to tell a story.

I think they’re about making money.

And somewhere along the way, Hollywood got so terrified of trying out new ideas, and viewers got complacent enough to allow them to do so, that all we see these days are franchises.

For example, a show like Buffy, the Vampire Slayer would, I believe, not even get greenlit in today’s market. It’s too original, too daring, too different, and it might take a season or more to find its fanbase. Why go with that when you can cash in on the Star Wars name, get a few series out of it, and call it a day?

But enough rantage. That’s apparently only one of their ideas, and nothing is hammered out quite yet. Who knows? Maybe the show will be the best thing ever.

One thing that the Star Wars universe really has going for it is an almost infinite number of minor characters that are briefly glimpsed in the films, but manage to capture the fan bases imaginations anyway. That’s a nice way to go into a series. If they can hook us with an interesting character of whom we’d like to know more,  we might see these as stories worth telling.

What’s more, according to their interviews, it seems like Lucas and McCallum are really going to go for a feature-film look to their show, and keep in mind, this team has the full might of the Skywalker Ranch behind it.

The show has no set beginning date, so in the meantime, we’ll all just have to keep scavenging the internets for scraps of information. Let’s pray that Lucas does this one right, because it has the potential to be one for the ages.

But so did Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

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Okay, one thing I’ve learned in an exhaustive search of sexy ladies is that while many people fetishize the women of sci-fi (Aeon Flux, Trinity, Barbarella, etc), fantasy women are not considered equal in the allure department.

Sure, there are the metal-bikini-clad ladies of Boris Vallejo’s paintings, but when you look at fullly realized fantasy stories, truly sexy women are not really that common.  But that’s not to say they don’t exist…

This is a list of seven sexy fantasy characters who have appeared in film and television and realized by a real-life actress – no cartoons or literary heroines. It’s a truly academic study, so be sure to take notes. There’ll be a quiz.

7. Akasha

The late Aaliyah was a surprising choice for many people when she was cast as the immortal, ancient Vampire Queen, Akasha, for the film version of Anne Rice’s Queen of the Damned. But doubts were put to rest when she made her grand entrance and almost sizzled through the screen. Though the film itself is widely considered lacking (and that’s being kind), her erotic performance is considerably more significant seeing as it was also her last film before her untimely death.

6. Faith Lehane

When Faith burst into Sunnydale on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she took a lot of the wind out of Buffy’s sails by being funnier, sexier, and more violent than the other Slayer in town, even going so far as deflowering Buffy’s good buddy Xander. Faith was known for her flamboyant wardrobe, and with her descent into evil came more tight leather pants. Anyone complaining?

5. Catwoman

I won’t make a nine lives joke (you’re welcome), but this is a character who has gone through many incarnations, most of which are not fantastical at all. But in Tim Burton’s Batman Returns, the script envisioned Catwoman (Michelle Pfeiffer) as a mousy secretary who is magically brought back to life by cats and turned into a stunningly sexy, sensual psychobabe with her sights set on the similarly S&M-garbed Batman. (The less said about the Halle Berry film, the better.)

4. Elizabeth Swan

Being overtly sexual doesn’t necessarily make one sexy. Often what we don’t see is what sets our imaginations (and hormones) ablaze, and who better to exemplify this than the unbelievably gorgeous Keira Knightly in her role as the spunky, heroic Elizabeth Swan in Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. What other woman would enrapture the likes of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom with such ease?

3. Selene

When ads for Underworld first appeared, many wrote it off as just another Matrix rip-off that happened to focus on vampires and werewolves, with Kate Beckinsale’s Selene stepping in as a poor man’s Trinity. In a way, they were right. But if they didn’t stick around for the sequel, they missed a scorching love scene where we learn what comes between Selene and her leathers – nothing – and discover that she truly is one of the hottest supernatural women around.

2. Princess Leia

Hey, remember those body-hiding white robes from A New Hope? Neither do I.

1. Legolas

It takes a lot to keep up with two men and never mess up your hair, but when Legolas went off on a journey with Aragorn and Gimli to save two kidnapped hobbits, she truck a blow for feminism everywhere. Throughout the Lord of the Rings trilogy, she jumped, slashed, and shot her arrows through a vast array of baddies without ever breaking a nail, earning her the number one spot on our sexiest women of fantasy.

Just kidding. Presenting our real number one, as if it’s any surprise…

1. Tie - Xena and Gabrielle

For six seasons, we watched these women go through a myriad of adventures and scandalously racy outfits on Xena: Warrior Princess, and the question of which one is hotter has never been settled. And so, the number one spot is a tie between the two ladies who made history in this ground-breaking show.

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You know that moment. You’re watching your favorite fantasy movie. You’ve seen it a million times before. You have the Special Edition DVD. You’re soaking in every second of it. Mouthing along all the lines.

Then you hit the moment — that moment — when the aroma of awesomeness grows too strong, and there is nothing left to but jump off your couch and yell, “F*%$ YEAH!!” as loud as you can, annoying parents, siblings, spouses, children, anyone within earshot.

But they just don’t understand. You can’t help it! You’ve just hit a “F*%$ YEAH!” moment.

Here’s a list of seven choice “F*%$ YEAH!” moments in fantasy films.

#7 - The Goonies: Mikey’s Speech vs. Troy’s Bucket

Midway through their adventures, the young teenagers of this classic 80’s fantasy are offered a choice: they can trudge on and continue to face dire peril, or they can be saved by the town jerk. As the gang mulls it over and the tide starts turning towards quitting, the de facto group leader, Mikey, rallies the troops by reminding them how very soon they’ll have no homes to go to if they forsake their treasure hunt. When one of them pleads that she doesn’t want to die, Mikey passionately reprimands that “Goonies never say die!”

At which point we all leap to our feet, shake our fists, and cry, “F*%$ YEAH Goonies never say die!”

#6 - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: Guy Chooses Poorly

The quest for the Holy Grail is nothing new, and the legendary cup has evaded mankind for most of its existence. As it turns out, the combined faculties of the Nazis and the man called Indiana Jones are all you need. When Indy walks into the chamber filled with cups, he is advised by the ancient knight, the steward of the grail, that one must choose wisely.

But soon the Nazis follow him in, and one of the officers takes a drink from a spectacularly ornate golden chalice, believing it to be the cup of Christ. He’s wrong, of course, and we get treated to a nice scene of a man turning into a corpse in seconds. After this hideous display, the knight casually mentions, “He chose poorly.”

F*%$ YEAH he chose poorly! Yo, did you see that guy?!

#5 - The Wizard of Oz: Dorothy OWNS the Wicked Witch

Farm girls can deal with a lot of crap, but seriously, don’t set their friends on fire. After sweet Dorothy Gale had been tortured by the nefarious Wicked Witch for almost her entire visit to the Land of Oz, the Witch went too far by capturing Dorothy and her friends, and then setting her good buddy the Scarecrow’s arm on fire.

Without hesitation, Dorothy grabbed a bucket of water and tossed it on the Scarecrow, hitting the Witch as well. Turns out she was allergic to water, and Dorothy destroyed her beautiful wickedness. As she melted away, shrieking “What a world, what a world!” we all responded, “F&%$ YEAH, Dorothy! You show that Witch what’s up.”

#4 - The Return of the King: Yeah, So Eowyn? Not a dude!

This movie — and, indeed, this series – is so full of “F&%$ YEAH!”  moments it’s too hard to find just one, so I found two. The first takes place during the epic Battle of Pelennor Fields. Orcs and men alike are dying by the thousands. It is a red day. Everywhere Gondorian soldiers are being trampled underneath the feet of the massive Oliphaunts.

In one section of the field, brave King Theoden is about to be slaughtered by the evil Witch King when a young soldier stands between the king and certain death. After slaying his animal and battling the Witch King, the soldier is wounded and tired, but still fighting. When goaded by the wraith that “no man” alive can kill him, the soldier rips off her helmet, revealing herself as Eowyn, niece of the king, crying, “I am no man!” as she slams her sword into the Witch King’s face. F*%$ YEAH, she’s not a man!

#3 - 300: The Bad-Ass Ancient Form of Sunscreen

I don’t have a lot of love for this movie — which is weird, considering it features Greek history, non-stop action, and its based on a comic book, which are all things I love. It just didn’t do it for me … except for that one moment, when an enemy warns that their arrows will blot out the sun, and a stoic Spartan soldier looks as him, smirks, and replies, “Then we will fight in the shade.” F*%$ YEAH, you will!

#2 - Return of the Jedi: Darth Vader Opens a Can on the Emperor

For three movies, we had seen the relationship between Luke and Darth Vader go from anonymous enemies to battling father and son. We even started to feel a little sorry for old Vader, as it seemed he was bullied around a lot by the geriatric Emperor, the true seat of evil authority in the galaxy.

So when he grabbed that old dirty bastard and threw him down a pit to his death in order to save Luke, who didn’t yell, “F*%$ YEAH, Vader! You go! You go!”

#1 - The Return of the King: Hobbits Don’t Bow, Fool!

Okay, we’ve reached the next Return of the King moment. This is a different kind of F*%$ YEAH moment. It’s the kind muttered under your breath when choking back tears.

In one of the several endings of the final chapter of The Lord of the Rings, after all the evil is vanquished, a coronation ceremony is held for the new king, Aragorn. When the noble h0bbits go to bow to him, he raises them up and says, “My friends…you bow to no one.” He then bows to them, and is followed by the entire congregation, all bowing to the diminutive heroes.

Sniff. Sniff. F*%$ yeah, hobbits.

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Sure, Frodo’s great. Those Pevensie kids are adorable. Harry Potter’s the Arthur Pendragon of our time.

But really, how interesting are any of those characters on their own?  Where would they be if it weren’t for those evildoers out there to constantly be the thorn in their sides? When one looks at what turns a good fantasy adventure into a great one, the answer is often its antagonist, be it evil witch, sexy Goblin King, or oddly well-preserved 3,000-year-old mummy.

What makes a great fantasy villain? They have to be menacing and powerful, of course, to be a true obstacle for our hero — but that can get pretty one-note after a while. Often a fantastic villain has an air of sexual allure, something to show us that wickedness is seductive.

But let’s face it: the most important ingredient of all might be likability; we may not want to be them, but we definitely have to want to watch them.

It’s not easy to find great villains. Sure, Sauron was uber-evil, but was it really that interesting to watch a fiery eye, um, look at things really hard? David Bowie was definitely a memorable presence in The Labyrinth, but were you ever actually worried about Jennifer Connelly’s Sarah?

Listed here are eight of the most engrossing fantasy villains seen on screens large and small.

Callisto - Xena: The Warrior Princess was one of the most influential and well-loved fantasy shows of all time, but even die-hard Xenites will admit its first season was a bit … shaky while the show found its voice. All that instability ended with the introduction of its first major villain, the mega-hot psycho babe Callisto. She was Xena’s physical equal, she could shriek like a banshee, and she looked damn good in chain mail. What’s more, she began her descent into evil due to losing her family when Xena’s army killed them, thus as evil as she was, well, it was always kind of Xena’s fault. You can’t ask for a better origin story than that.

Faith - While we’re on the topic of mega-hot psycho babes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was doing fine being the Chosen One — emphasis on one – until another Slayer came to town. Sultry, slutty, and just as buff as Buffy, she owned most of Season 3 and stole every scene she was in, particular when she fully embraced her dark side and started killing people. Her path to redemption took a bunch of seasons and two series (she guest starred on the spin-off Angel several times), and though she ended up good in the end, she was great when she was bad.

Darkness - It takes a lot to have any kind of charm when you’re seven feet tall, fire engine red, and the proud owner of two ginormous ebony horns, but somehow Tim Curry managed to endow his character Darkness in Legend with an astounding suavity, which complimented his pure, vicious evil. Of course, if there’s one thing Tim Curry does well, it’s charm the hell out of us while playing purely evil characters (as evidenced by his immortal turn in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.) He is the very image of the Christian devil, and his mere presence is enough to send more than few shivers down your back, and yet when he gently told Mia Sara’s Lili that he simply wanted to sit and talk with her, you couldn’t help but be intrigued. Too bad those horns are such deal-breakers.

The White Witch - Come on, admit it: you knew she was evil from the moment you saw her, but weren’t you a little jealous of Edmund Pevensie when he got cruised and picked up by the cougar witch in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? Didn’t you want to be the one snuggling with her under that blanket, eating Turkish Delight out of her icy, delicate fingers? As played by Tilda Swinton, Narnia’s reigning beeyotch was that special kind of evil that’s also slightly delicious. Sexy one minute and harsh the next, beautiful from one angle and androgynous from another, you just couldn’t take your eyes off her.

Dracula - This is an obvious choice, sure, but how can you not include the guy who made vampires sexy long before Lestat was a glimmer in Anne Rice’s eye? Though Bela Lugosi did an admirable job, it was Gary Oldman’s portrayal in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula that secured the Transylvanian Wonder as one of the most magnetic screen villains of all time. (Sorry, Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000. I know you tried your best.) When evil looks as good as Drac does in that gray suit and Jim Morrison sunglasses, you can see why Winona Ryder’s Mina Harker can’t keep help but steal his heart. Of course, Winona Ryder can’t help but steal a lot of things.  BURN! (Is that joke still relevant?)

Voldemort - The first time we saw him, he was a face on the back of some dude’s head. The second time, he was as a … ghost? echo? whatever, just go with it … of his effeminate teenage self. But when he burst out of a cauldron, fully reformed and snakalicious, in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, it was clear a bombastic new villain was in town, and he had some serious staying power. Plus he has no nose. It’s freaky.

The Wicked Witch of the West - Long before she was re-imagined by Gregory Maguire as the sympathetic Elphaba in Wicked, The Wicked Witch of the West struck terror into all of our hearts as portrayed by Margaret Hamilton in the classic Wizard of Oz. She originated almost all of the cliches we have for movie witches nowadays, and her constant, insane cackling gave many a tot nightmares for years. When she said, “I’ll get you, my pretty,” we knew she wasn’t kidding around, and that scene when Aunty Em’s image in the crystal ball turns into the snarling witch’s face has been putting money into therapist’s wallets for the better part of a century.

Darth Vader - Is it any surprise? I know there are those of you who insist Star Wars isn’t fantasy, but surely you would admit that if there’s a shred of possibility it could fit into the genre, then Darth Vader must top the list of all-time greatest fantasy villains. From his first appearance in Star Wars: A New Hope, Darth Vader was like a figure pulled right from our sub-conscious, that dark part of us that was devoid of humanity and existed solely for evil. But then as the series went on, we realized there was so much more to the guy in the walking coffin, and by series’ end, we shed a tear at his death. Now that is a great villain.

The list goes on and on. Here are a few villains that didn’t quite make the cut:

Dark Willow - Speaking of the dark side, fans of Buffy’s Willow got two opportunities to the see the normally squeaky-clean good witch go postal: the first in the third season as a vampire from an alternate reality, and the other when her girlfriend Tara was killed three years later. Willow, distraught with grief, allowed herself to be overcome by dark magic, and for three awesome episodes, we saw pure rage in human form. Fortunately for residents of Sunnydale, she wasn’t bad quite long enough to make the list.

Prince Humperdinck - Sexy? No. Pure evil? No, just kind of nasty. But Prince Humperdinck from The Princess Bride had a comic timing and flamboyant bitchiness that made him a pleasure to watch. However, he was often upstaged by Christoper Guest as the Six-Fingered Man, so it’s understandable he didn’t make the top 8. But to exclude Wallace Shawn’s diminunitve Vizzini? Inconceivable!

Dick Cheney - In an interesting departure from their usual news-only programming, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News all collaborated to air an ongoing pulp serial which ran from 2000 to 2008, featuring a dastardly villain named Dick Cheney, loosely based on Gargamel from The Smurfs. Shades of 1984 and A Brave New World could be found in this colorful series about a hunch-backed old man who attempted to bring about a totalitarian dystopia, though the show lost some credibility after it had its main character “accidentally” shoot a man in the face and suffer zero legal consequences. Fortunately for fantasy fans everywhere, the news networks wised up and stopped airing this disturbing show in January of ‘09.

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It is the greatest struggle in the known universe. Greater than the War of the Ring. Greater than the battle against Voldemort. Greater than getting through the film version of Eragon sober.

How the hell do we categorize Star Wars?

At first glance, George Lucas’ opus seems like a shoe-in for science fiction. Spaceships. Laser guns. Aliens. All the trappings of your standard science fiction fare.

But what really is science fiction? Dictionary.com defines it as “a form of fiction that draws imaginatively on scientific knowledge and speculation in its plot, setting, theme, etc.” A quintessential example of modern sci-fi is Jurassic Park, in which the entire plot revolves around cloning, a scientific process that was mostly speculative at the time of its writing.

Forget everything in the previous paragraph and let me tell you a story. Long ago in a magical kingdom, a young farmboy was raised by his aunt and uncle, not knowing he had a destiny of greatness. He is soon taken under the wing of an old wizard who teaches him to become a gallant knight and to understand his own magical powers. Along the way, he rescues a princess, is almost eaten by a monster, is visited by ghosts, and saves the kingdom from a wicked sorcerer.

Obviously this is the story of the original Star Wars trilogy stripped down to its most basic elements. But from this synopsis we can see that no major plot points hang on science of any kind. In fact, the most iconic weapon in all of Star Wars is not a technological device of any kind, but instead that weapon that screams fantasy: a sword.

So let’s break it down. Magic? Check. Swordfights? Mm-hmm. Wizards and knights and princesses? Yup. The epic battle between good and evil? Oh, you betcha. Hell, if you squint, Jabba the Hutt is pretty much a dragon sitting on a pile of gold (not to mention a rancor!).

But what of the Death Star, you ask? The technologically advanced weapon that gives the villains such vim and power? Pish-posh. The Death Star is a MacGuffin, a simple plot device. You could plug in anything in its place and the plot wouldn’t change a hair.

So, the final verdict is…

Star Wars is pure, old school, sword-from-the-stone high fantasy.

Until you hit the big ol’ brick wall that is the prequel trilogy.

In 1999, George Lucas enraged many a pimply fanboy by unveiling Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, in which he introduced the concept of midichlorions. No longer was the Force a mystical, elemental Power, but rather a genetic mutation on the cellular level.

Or something.

Whatever, the point is once you’re dragging out microscopes to understand the Force, and explaining to us that it’s caused by micro-organisms living in our cells, you’ve descended into the murky realm of sci-fi. (Or SyFy, if you’re totally lame.)

The next film, Attack of the Clones, continued this trend towards science fiction by having a great deal of its plot revolve around cloning, much like Jurassic Park. It also made its opinion of cloning quite clear by the damn creepy aliens and eerie environment in which the cloning occurred. Would you want to do business there?

As for Revenge of the Sith, the grim finale is the medical reconstruction of Anakin Skywalker and his technological metamorphosis into Darth Vader. This is the exact moment when he becomes more machine than man, twisted and evil, but perhaps the most unsettling is that it’s not impossible, given our current medical abilities, to create such living coffins for people to exist in.

All of this brings us to a different conclusion for Episodes I-III: they are firmly entrenched in the realm of science fiction.

Only time will tell if the upcoming, still-untitled Star Wars live-action TV show (scheduled for 2010) will skew more towards fantasy or sci-fi. Given the recent success of Battlestar Galactica, one might assume it’s the latter. But we fantasy fans haven’t been given a truly great series since Buffy went off the air, so I for one am keeping my fingers crossed.

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