Like you, we’ve gotten caught up in the Olympic hullabaloo over the last two weeks. There’s something about international cooperation and elite athletes and musical montages and Bob Costas’ voice that just fills us with unusual glee.
But as much as we like those things, we can’t help but think they might be improved upon with a little help from the fantasy world. Here are some sports we here at TheTorchOnline.com would really like to see in the 2014 Winter Games:

Panserbjørne Polo — Regular old horse and pony polo doesn’t have a place in the Olympics because, frankly, it’s too elitist and boring for the average citizen of the world. But what about polo carried out in the snowy mountains on the back of an armor-covered bear? Now, that’s exciting! Especially if the player’s dæmons are running interference! We know that, strictly speaking, panserbjørnes aren’t supposed to let humans ride them, but for a chance at international glory (and a shot at landing on the cover of a Wheaties box), we’re pretty sure plenty of bears would participate.
Tesseract Track Speed Skating — If you’ve seen one speed skating race, you’ve seen them all. Oh, sure, the sport tries to keep things fresh by mixing up the distances, but after about three races, we’re begging for a pile up. To add a little adventure to speed skating, we think it should take place in more than one physical plane. After a few laps around the ice, skaters would be forced to wrinkle to another dimension. And then another. And then back to their original track. Keep your balance and wits about you in that kind of race and you deserve to win a medal.
Flux Capacitor Bobsled — Quite similar to the Tesseract Track, but in this sport, teams would strap a flux capacitor to their sleds and be forced to hit 88 miles per hour before the track runs out. Teams will finish in the next Olympics. Not only does it add an element of surprise to the competition (teams won’t be able to study the second half of the track in the future!), it also keeps viewers on the edges of their seat for another four years. It also doubles the potential television coverage. Races are finishing up from the last Olympics, and races are taking off in the current Olympics.

Middle-earth Curling — Did you know that traditional curling stones are made from a specific kind of ailsite that can only be found on Ailsa Craig, off the coast of Scotland? Experts are pretty sure there’s only enough ailsite for about 20 more years of curling. It doesn’t matter much, though, because it’s not a very exciting game. What if, instead of securing ailsite from the Highlands, curling stones were forged in the fire of Mount Doom? With, say, one stone to rule them all, one stone to find them, one stone to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. We’d like that, wouldn’t we Precious? Tricksy little sweepsers, aren’t they? Yes, yes, Precious.
Turkish Delight Cook-off — The standard for Turkish Delight belongs to the White Witch of Narnia, of course. But this blasted cold weather makes us want more, more, more! Every four years, the best chefs in the country should come together and have a bake off to see who can create the most magical version of the dessert. It becomes infinitely more interesting if Tilda Swinton judges the competition on live TV. She would make Gordon Ramsey look like a puppy.
Wonkathon — Our favorite event of the Winter Olympics is the biathlon because it reminds us of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare obstacle course from when we were kids — only a little more dangerous on account of the guns. We think an actual obstacle course would be a good add to the Winter Games, especially if it was designed by Willy Wonka. Chocolate rivers, trippy boat rides, experimental TV equipment, magical animals, Oompa-Loompas: any athlete would be lucky to make it through alive! In addition to the medals, winners of the Wonkathon would receive a lifetime supply of everlasting gobstoppers. Though, if they really are everlasting, you’d probably only need the one.

Lightsaber Skating — Figure skating is a classic favorite. We love it, we really do. But we think we could amp the entertainment value (and athletic prowess) if we turned down the lights and required each skater to compete with lightsaber. The whizzing and twirling and jumping and tossing would be even more artistic (and awesomely dangerous) with the added equipment. Plus, the sport suddenly becomes marketable. What child would leave the arena without a lightsaber of his or her own from the souvenir stand? What adult, for that matter?
Quidditch Tournament — We’ve got nothing to add to J.K. Rowling’s magical competition. We’d just like to see it in the Olympics is all.
Now, be honest — would you rather watch the IOC’s version of the Olympics or our version of The Olympics?

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Everyone else is posting it, so I might as well: Star Wars
A: Ralph, I think every fantasy or sci-fi author does have some fans like this — at least once he or she reaches a certain level of fame. And the reason why, as you suggest, has to do, in part, with the anonymous nature of the internet, but also just the nature of geekdom. As much as the Oracle (a geek to my core) hates to admit it, there might be some truth to the stereotype that a small sub-set of geeks has, well, social problems. We’re all best off ignoring them, because all they really want is attention — since, obviously, they have no friends.
A: Interestingly, while most of the events in The Chronicles of Narnia do not have exact years and dates, author C.S. Lewis did create a “time-line” of Narnian history before he died in 1963; it was published in 1979.
Q: Your article that mentioned the mynock in The Empire Strikes Back got me thinking about how ridiculous that scene is where they put on those flimsy breathing masks and basically go out into deep space (albeit in the belly of a space slug). Or am I missing something? Would the fact that the space-slug is reportedly a silicon-based life form make a difference? — Tom, Seattle, WA

What up, dawg, it’s TheTorchOnline.com. Listen, I know that you’re busy right now putting together the live-action Star Wars TV show (due in 2012), and you don’t have a lot of time on your hands, so I’ll keep this quick.
I’m the first to give you props — you were ahead of your time when you came up with the kick-ass Leia. But
And if you feel like tossing in huge melee lightsaber battles, then friend, I say trust your gut.
The new TV show based in the Star Wars universe, coming in 2010? I’m calling it right now: it’s going to be a show all about Jar Jar Binks. His childhood. His teen years, and the blossoming of young Gungan love. (Think of it as Jar Jar’s Creek.) His rise to authority as part of the Galactic Senate. The series will conclude with his twilight years, wherein he sends his children off into the galaxy, and after reflecting on his life, he will realize, “You-sa people liked me. You-sa people really liked me.”
According to








You know that moment. You’re watching your favorite fantasy movie. You’ve seen it a million times before. You have the Special Edition DVD. You’re soaking in every second of it. Mouthing along all the lines.
#6 - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: Guy Chooses Poorly
#4 - The Return of the King: Yeah, So Eowyn? Not a dude!
#2 - Return of the Jedi: Darth Vader Opens a Can on the Emperor
Darkness - It takes a lot to have any kind of charm when you’re seven feet tall, fire engine red, and the proud owner of two ginormous ebony horns, but somehow Tim Curry managed to endow his character Darkness in Legend with an astounding suavity, which complimented his pure, vicious evil. Of course, if there’s one thing Tim Curry does well, it’s charm the hell out of us while playing purely evil characters (as evidenced by his immortal turn in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.) He is the very image of the Christian devil, and his mere presence is enough to send more than few shivers down your back, and yet when he gently told Mia Sara’s Lili that he simply wanted to sit and talk with her, you couldn’t help but be intrigued. Too bad those horns are such deal-breakers.
Dracula - This is an obvious choice, sure, but how can you not include the guy who made vampires sexy long before Lestat was a glimmer in Anne Rice’s eye? Though Bela Lugosi did an admirable job, it was Gary Oldman’s portrayal in 1992’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula that secured the Transylvanian Wonder as one of the most magnetic screen villains of all time. (Sorry, Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000. I know you tried your best.) When evil looks as good as Drac does in that gray suit and Jim Morrison sunglasses, you can see why Winona Ryder’s Mina Harker can’t keep help but steal his heart. Of course, Winona Ryder can’t help but steal a lot of things. BURN! (Is that joke still relevant?)
Dark Willow - Speaking of the dark side, fans of Buffy’s Willow got two opportunities to the see the normally squeaky-clean good witch go postal: the first in the third season as a vampire from an alternate reality, and the other when her girlfriend Tara was killed three years later. Willow, distraught with grief, allowed herself to be overcome by dark magic, and for three awesome episodes, we saw pure rage in human form. Fortunately for residents of Sunnydale, she wasn’t bad quite long enough to make the list.
Dick Cheney - In an interesting departure from their usual news-only programming, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News all collaborated to air an ongoing pulp serial which ran from 2000 to 2008, featuring a dastardly villain named Dick Cheney, loosely based on Gargamel from The Smurfs. Shades of 1984 and A Brave New World could be found in this colorful series about a hunch-backed old man who attempted to bring about a totalitarian dystopia, though the show lost some credibility after it had its main character “accidentally” shoot a man in the face and suffer zero legal consequences. Fortunately for fantasy fans everywhere, the news networks wised up and stopped airing this disturbing show in January of ‘09.
At first glance, George Lucas’ opus seems like a shoe-in for science fiction. Spaceships. Laser guns. Aliens. All the trappings of your standard science fiction fare.
Obviously this is the story of the original Star Wars trilogy stripped down to its most basic elements. But from this synopsis we can see that no major plot points hang on science of any kind. In fact, the most iconic weapon in all of Star Wars is not a technological device of any kind, but instead that weapon that screams fantasy: a sword.
But what of the Death Star, you ask? The technologically advanced weapon that gives the villains such vim and power? Pish-posh. The Death Star is a MacGuffin, a simple plot device. You could plug in anything in its place and the plot wouldn’t change a hair.
Whatever, the point is once you’re dragging out microscopes to understand the Force, and explaining to us that it’s caused by micro-organisms living in our cells, you’ve descended into the murky realm of sci-fi. (Or SyFy, if you’re totally lame.)