• I was one of the movie-goers appalled at the “remake” (he says snidely) of Clash of the Titans. It was a hot mess that suffered horribly in the reviews. So of course the sequel is full speed ahead!

• Now that my daily dose of vitriol is out of the way, we can move on. By now we all know that wizard Radagast the Brown will be featured in The Hobbit. And now, thanks to The One Ring, we may know who’s playing him!

• Four new actors have signed on to meet their tragic and gruesome ends in the fifth Final Destination flick, to be called 5nal Destination. Heat Vision tells us David Koechner, Nicholas D’Agosto, P.J. Byrne and Ellen Wroe make up the latest batch of victims.

• Well, here’s something that never occurred to me. Does Christopher Nolan have a woman problem?

• Wanna see something really bizarre and have almost an hour to kill? Behold: Star Wars meets Indiana Jones: The Stunt Show.

• The always dependable Cracked gives us 7 Iconic Characters They Saved From the Cutting Room Floor.

• Finally, in the category of “Things Almost Too Awesome to Exist,” I present to you … the Yoda Cake!

That’s a cake!!!

The reaction is almost always the same. When I tell people that I’m the associate editor of a fantasy website, a look of surprise, understanding, and finally quiet judgment passes over their faces, forcing me to explain, “Harry Potter fantasy. Not, like, whips and leather fantasy.”

The relief I then see is priceless.

But should I be so quick to distance myself from the whips-and-leather crowd? While fantasy does have a kid-friendly, wizards-and-adventure side, I think it would be naive to suggest that there aren’t some people who utilize the trappings of the genre to explore their sexual kinks. All one has to do is run a Google Image search of “fantasy art,” and you’ll very quickly wind up with images like this:

What one finds in much fantasy art is a remarkably common theme of sexuality, which often has a heavy BDSM element. (To the uniformed, that stands for Bondage, Discipline, and Sadomasochism.)

Sometimes, the bondage theme is explicit and openly embraced, such as in the Kushiel novels of Jacqueline Carey, whose main character is a bisexual masochist who finds sexual pleasure in being tortured. (You can read TheTorchOnline.com’s interview with Carey here.)

But sometimes the S&M factor is played more coyly, giving us bondage-themed imagery without ever truly owning it. In the ’50s and ’60s, there were a plethora of beefcake movies, such as the Hercules films starring Steve Reeves, featuring oiled-up hunks and sexy babes alike constantly bound in chains and other restraints.

Most of these movies were terrible by the standards of anyone who wants their films to have a plot. Mostly they played out like fodder for one scene after another of sexy skin pressed against chains.

The very concept of a damsel in distress has a flavoring of S&M, as a helpless maiden is often tied up and must be rescued. Return of the Jedi even showcased series heroine Leia in what has become the iconic, quintessential S&M-tinted damsel outfit — the infamous gold bikini — before employing a post-feminist twist and having her kill her captor herself. But nonetheless, the image of Leia bound and chained like a slave girl has inspired many a young libido to get started.

The trend followed through into the ’90s, where it began to take a more subtle approach. The character of Xena, perhaps the most enduring high fantasy creation of the last 20 years, certainly bore a striking resemblance to a dominatrix, with her leather outfit and arsenal of weapons, a whip very prominently among them.

And how many times throughout the course of the series did we see Xena chained and beaten? She even sometimes seemed to enjoy fighting an opponent who could get his or her licks in, absorbing the blows with a satisfied smile.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer certainly went there, most notably in the sixth season when Buffy began her mutually-abusive relationship with bad boy vamp Spike. Their first session together was so violent it destroyed the entire house they were in.

But as time marches on, the BDSM themes became more overt. Even the family-friendly series Legend of the Seeker features the Mord’Sith, an army of women dressed entirely in leather who specialize in torturing their victims. In one memorable episode, noble hero Richard is stripped and given the royal treatment by “Mistress Denna,” a dominatrix name if ever I heard one.

The vampire soap True Blood raised the bar, as virtually every sexual relationship on the show contains some form of sado-masochistic violence at its core. The show even boasts a brand-new fetish called fangbanging — that is, living humans who prefer to have sex exclusively with vampires. The moments on the show relevant to this article are far too many to mention, from Jason’s romance with a watiress who likes to be strangled in the firs season to Lorena’s twisted, torturous rendezvous with Bill a few episodes ago.

But the Golden Handcuff Award has to go to new kid on the block Spartacus: Blood and Sand. The entire first season’s plot plays out like an elaborate bondage fantasy, with a houseful of sexy slaves to be commanded and used at the pleasure of the masters, oversexed couple Batiatus and Lucretia.

No doubt, there are many fantasy fans who don’t respond to these particular themes. But it would be naive to suggest there isn’t a connection, at least for some, between the fantasy genre and very specific sexual leanings.

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

George Lucas and M. Night Shyamalan are both filmmakers who know a thing or two about the rollercoaster that is public opinion of your work.

Both have lounged on the apex of the Hollywood pyramid, lauded from all sides for their magnificent works of astounding imagination and invention. Lucas was the King of Movies for two decades due to his original Star Wars trilogy, and Shyamalan created the most celebrated twist ending in recent memory with The Sixth Sense, a twist often emulated but whose impact has never been duplicated.

But then something happened to both of them. A few missteps, a few calculated moves gone awry — okay, maybe more than a few — and now both directors have found themselves on the receiving end of a slew of venomous critiques.

For Lucas, it was, of course, his second wave of Star Wars films that famously alienated a great deal of his fanbase. Gone were the charmingly clunky set pieces, the vehicles that looked perpeturally on the brink of breaking down, the wildly diverse puppets … all of them replaced by a slick, sleek CGI that rendered the entire Star Wars universe oddly flat and soulless.

The first set of films felt physical and real, like they occupied actual space. The new trilogy looked like a very expensive videogame, with about the same quality of acting. Even normally reliable actors like Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor felt stiff and uncomfortable in their roles.

And we haven’t even gotten to the screenplays yet.

In Shyamalan’s case, the nails on his coffin were, well … every movie except The Sixth Sense. It’s actually rather astounding that he’s been given so many chances to prove he’s more than a one-trick pony, and yet releases flop after flop.

Obviously this is a matter of opinion, but I believe Shyamalan is a phenomenal talent, but as a director, not a writer. For this article, I rewatched two of his relatively poorly-received films — Signs and The Village — as well as his sophomore effort, Unbreakable.

Shyamalan has a fantastic eye - his use of color, particularly the way he subtly juxtaposes bright colors in one scene with a drab, washed-out pallette in the next — is superb. Every frame looks teriffic, with even the most minute detail perfectly placed. He’s the kind of director who can create a sense of dread in a scene as innocuous as a family eating breakfast, not by using creepy music (a mediocre director’s go-to trick) but simply by the way he composes the shots.

But once again, it comes down to the screenplays: it’s the actual story where his movies fall flat. Shyamalan is an unapologetic fan of genre films, and I admire him for that. I respect his mission statement to take B-movie plots and craft them into A-movie cinematic journeys.

But the problem with B-movies is that their plots are often too simple to work as anything more, and that’s usually where Shayamalan stumbles.

And let’s not even talk about Lady in the Water.

So who’s earned more vitriol in their time?

Even though Shyamalan is currently getting dragged through the mud thanks to his latest film The Last Airbender, my vote would be Lucas, for the sheer reason his star burned brighter and longer than Shyamalan’s. Shyamalan’s been a household name for roughly a decade, but the first Star Wars film came out in 1977. Because Lucas was so beloved for so long, it stands to reason that the flip side of all that adulation — a turn to the dark side, if you will — would be a greater burden to bear.

But that’s what I think. What about you? Vote in our poll and add your comments below.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

The Magic of Gaming is a weekly column with the latest news about fantasy-themed games.

Lots of gaming news, previews, and trailers this week as Gamescon kicks off in Germany.

Final Fantasy XIV Online (Sept. 30 on PC, and March 2011 on PS3) was unveiled for the first time yesterday. Both IGN and Gamespot have detailed write-ups of the game play that you can check out, so I’ll just post a few screenshots:

I want that guy’s house!

More details were released this week about BioShock Infinite (2012). Irrational Games creative director Ken Levine told Kotaku that the missing woman you’re hunting, Elizabeth, becomes a companion of sorts:

She’s an amplifier for your powers if you choose to have her be an amplifier for your powers … There’s no component of squad commands with her in the game. She is a self-driven entity. She will react if you go this way or that way on the field. She’ll say different things; she’ll react different ways verbally. She’s kind of a combination of what you saw on the screen and there’s a Left 4 Dead component about her in terms of her saying things that are driven by the simulation…

Frankly, I’ll be happy as long with whatever she does, as long as it doesn’t involve sticking corpses with a syringe.

BioWare has revealed the Advanced Classes for your Jedi in Star Wars: The Old Republic (TBD 2011): Sentinel and Guardian.

I’m not a huge Star Wars fan, but I’m looking forward to this game because BioWare’s behind it, and I’ve already played Dragon Age: Origins and Mass Effect 2 so many times I’m starting to see dialogue trees in real life.

Speaking of Dragon Age, the new DLC “Golems of Amgarrak” was released; I didn’t like it.

Dragon Age 2 finally has a release date! It drops March 8, 2011 in US and March 11, 2011 in Europe. Mass Effect 2 will be coming to PS3 in January.

Excalibur Online, a “free to play MMORT set in the days before Camelot,” started their open beta this week. Registration is free and you can start playing immediately.

A new extended trailer for The Lord of the Rings: War in the North (XBox, PS3, and PC, 2011) emphasizes the co-op gameplay.

New trailers/teasers were also released this week for Arcania: Gothic 4 (XBox, PS3, PC, Oct. 12, 2010), Tera (PC only, 2011), and Kingdom Under Fire II (Xbox and PC, late 2010).

Finally, for those who can’t get enough of Albion, Microsoft is making a special $60 Fable III-themed controller available for the XBox on Oct. 5, with a code to download a unique in-game tattoo.

You can buy a Fable novel the same day — Fable, The Balverine Order, which comes with a code for a unique in-game weapon. The novel’s synopsis reads:

The days of magic and adventure are fading away, giving way to the age of industry and science. As the aged last Hero sits upon the throne of Albion, two friends-the privileged Thomas and his loyal servant, John- set out for the East in search of a legendary beast: the vicious, rarely-seen balverine. But their desire for adventure may be their ultimate undoing-because their quarry has just found them…

You’ll have to spend a lot of gold if you want these and the exclusive location and quest that comes with the $79.99 Fable III Collector’s Edition (Oct. 26). Better get to bartending/woodchopping/blacksmithing!

Sarah Warn currently runs EntertainHer.com; you can follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

Another spring is giving way to summer, and you know what that means: Love is no longer in the air.

Oh, it’s easy to fall in love in March and April when the cold, harsh winter is melting away and the sun is shining on your face and the birds are singing and the trees are flourishing and the bumble bees are all exhausted from all their pollen-gathering and bee-copulating.

But summer is stifling and the kids are out of school and, if you’re me, you’ve been crawling around in your attic trying to fix your air conditioner eight out of the last ten days. Summer makes for grumps, and that means it’s far less likely that you’ll feel the delicious bite of cupid’s arrow — unless you take your cue from the world of fantasy.

Using the sci-fi canon as a guide, we’ve made a list of five ways to make someone fall in love with you, even in the sweltering heat.

1) Become a fighter pilot — 30 Rock has taught us a very important lesson about humor: Things are funny when they’re true. And so Liz Lemon’s series-long fascination with her imaginary boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter, never gets old because we’ve all been there. Who hasn’t been in love with a fighter pilot at some point? (Seriously, show of hands. I don’t believe you.)

Han Solo, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, Starbuck, Apollo, Buck Rogers, Maverick, Ice Man. It takes a perfect storm of athleticism, arrogance and cockpit know-how to become a top pilot, and when you master it, it’s like making the perfect mix CD. You can get anyone to fall for you at any time in any place on any planet.

2) Give a gift from the heart, preferably one that’s charmed — It’s not just the inexplicably gullible Uther from BBC’s Merlin that has been hoodwinked into love by donning an enchanted pendant (although we can’t remember anything as disgusting as him shagging a troll).

Since the beginning of time, women and men have been using enchanted gifts to woo one another. And it always works because humans are the most narcissistic creatures in the galaxy! We think we deserve gifts! Everyone of us is Snow White: we would all take apples from bitches because … who would want to poison us? No one! We’re lovely!

3) Trap the object of your affection in a confined space, become emotionally unavailable — This technique can work on a spaceship (see, again: Han Solo), but it works equally well with something as ordinary as a police box. Say you are a centuries-old, always-dangerous, occasionally-curmudgeonly, slightly-unhinged bloke with a Messiah complex and a bizarre fetish for being called “Doctor.” Do you think any woman in her right mind would fall in love with you? Absolutely not. Especially if you made clear at the very beginning of your relationship that you’re always being called to sacrifice those closest to you for the good of humanity.

But then, why do all of Doctor Who’s companions fall hopelessly in love with him? And even more bizarre, why do we — who have had the advantage watching eleven doctors over 40 years — fall hopelessly in love with him? We’re not sure. We just know that small spaces and emotional distance is a foolproof recipe for love.

4) Brew or purchase a love potion — No, we’re not talking about tequila. We’re talking that special witches brew that was explored so thoroughly in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It can be administered directly from a cauldron, concealed in confectionery, even diluted in a beverage.

The effects of love potion are immediate and they are potent. It is a powerful aphrodisiac, as evidenced by the fact that the wealthy, handsome Tom Riddle shagged the disfigured pauper Merope Gaunt. (And that Ron Weasley thought he was in love with Romilda Vane when, well, have you met Hermione Granger?) The benefit of a love potion is that if you fall out of love, you can stop giving it. The danger of a love potion is that it can spawn the most evil wizard of all time.

5) Die — No, we’re serious. Accept the fact that you’re never going to snag the man or woman of your dreams and give yourself over to a vampire. In a few centuries, gorgeous women 200 years your junior will not be able to resist you. You can try to murder her. You can verbally abuse her. You can cause her families to be slain. You can hate her friends. You can invite her to a party where your family will try to suck her blood. You can even almost (accidentally) kill her while having sex with her, and it won’t matter. She will love you FOREVER.

You don’t need to be funny or smart or charming. You don’t even need to be handsome. All you need to be is dead. Also, you might want to think about growing your hair out.

Do you have any other sure-fire ways to make someone fall in love with you? Share them in the comments!

Science fiction’s relationship with, well, relationships has long been tempestuous. It’s a genre for fantastical thinkers and insatiable dreamers, and nothing brings a fantasy crashing back to earth like the angst of bad romance. Mere mortals like us may not know how to joust with Lightsabers or manipulate the inside of a computerized world with our minds or cast an Unforgivable curse or send aliens packing.

But we know plenty about love.

Too much romance can kill a fantasy — but not enough romance can kill it too. Here are ten (hot!) couples who navigated the line between snogging and flying (shagging and saving the world) with precision and grace (and hotness!).

Chuck Bartowski and Agent Sarah Walker, Chuck

Agent Sarah Walker’s job was to asses Chuck, then to protect him, then to train him, all of which she did perfectly — while falling hopelessly in love with him. And Chuck? Well, Sarah had him at “Vicki Vale, V-V-Vicki Vale.” She’s the bad-ass CIA agent with guns and knives and swords and kung fu. He’s the lovable nerd with a supercomputer stuck inside his brain. Together, they’re awesome-er than Captain Awesome.

WALL-E and EVE, WALL-E

The last robot on earth, WALL-E did his job by day and organized his trinket collection and danced to Hello, Dolly! by night. Then he met EVE, whose classified directive made her so emotionally distant that she finally just shut down. WALL-E gave EVE everything: a light bulb, a frisbee, an eggbeater, bubble wrap, a Rubik’s Cube. And in the end she gave him the only thing he ever wanted — a hand to hold.

Beverly Crusher and Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: Next Generation

Two words: Telepathic hookups.

Ianto Jones and Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood

Ianto Jones was one of those people with quaint little categories about sexuality, and then he fell in accidental love with the immortal (and eternally sexy) Captain Jack Harkness. It started when Ianto said he’d go out with Jack as long as he didn’t have to play out his office fetish. It turned into casual shagging. But around the time The 456 showed their ugly, pedophilic faces in London, Ianto was so smitten that he came out to his sister, explaining that it was only Jack, and it was way more than a fling. And I refuse to talk about what happened next.

Willow and Tara, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Just like with Ianto and Jack, I can only talk about Willow and Tara up to a specific point in time, because things end very differently in my imagination. Willow brought out the best in Tara, giving her courage and confidence in her magical abilities, and empowering her to be the lovable, clever witch we all grew to adore before that thing happened that we won’t be discussing.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

Clark and Lois. Lois and Clark. Lois and Superman. They’ve been falling in and out of love since the Golden Age of comics, but it was sexier than ever when they publicly bickered and secretly swooned in Lois & Clark. And oh, don’t even get me started on Terri Hatcher wrapped up in Superman’s cape in those ABC promos shots in 1994.

Trinity and Neo, The Matrix

Trinity and Neo were destiny. Or were they? Is our destiny chosen for us, or do we chose our destiny? Either way, they were super sexy together. Not just the making out part, but the teaming up to save humanity with gravity-defying slow-mo stunts part. Somehow, the fact that they always wore black makes them seem even hotter to me.

Tonks and Lupin, Harry Potter (books)

The only thing to make me smile/stop sobbing in the last three chapters of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was when Tonks finally came clean about being desperately in love with Lupin. Yes, he was a werewolf. And yes, there was (quite) an age difference between them, but if there’s anything that would have made Dumbledore happy — besides, you know, not dying — it would have been seeing more love in the world. More love and a litter of little werepups.

Buffy and Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

It’s a hard choice between Buffy and Angel, and Buffy and Spike. You’ve got the star-crossed thing, and the cheekbone thing, and the jawline thing, and the overcoming death to be with one another thing. I mean, for both couples. But in the end, soul mates is sexier than hate sex — but just barely.

Han Solo and Princess Leia, Star Wars

What can I say about Han Solo and Princess Leia that hasn’t been said a million times before? Though it bears repeating that these two should make every hot list for the simple reason that their romance kept Leia from hooking up with her brother, because let’s be honest: That almost happened.

Who did I miss? Who’s your favorite sci-fi couple?

It’s Earth Day today, the one day each year that we celebrate the azure sky and the majestic oceans and the flowering trees, and promise to stop junking all of it up! Fantasy fans know better than anyone that there are lots of reasons to love the Earth, because we’ve seen some really messed up planets out in other galaxies.

On Earth Day this year, let’s all give thanks that we don’t live any of these places:

Hades — In Pitch Black, Hades deserves the name, because every 20 years, a solar eclipse bathes the entire planet in darkness, which is spooky by itself. But throw in a species called Bioraptors whose only purpose is to kill every living thing, and you’ve got full-on terror. (Of course, you could always put your trust in a murderer to save you from the Bioraptors, as long as you’re cool with the fact that he’s going to kill afterward anyway.)

Dagobah — People who talks about Star Wars planets always use the same word to describe Dagobah: claustrophobic. And compared to the vastness of Tatooine and Hoth, it really is cramped. The smallness is compounded by the swampiness. There’s no place to frolic — or get your full Lightsaber on.

Nasqueron — The Dwellers in The Algebrist are infuriatingly unconcerned with the fate of “Quick” species. But the thing is: if your lifespan is millions of years, every species is a “Quick” species, especially human beings. Don’t expect any help on Nasqueron. Plus, there’s a whole lot of complicated math going on there, and that isn’t fun for anyone.

Krypton — Krypton is not a fun place to live no matter what interpretation you go with, because in the Golden Age, Silver Age or post-Man of Steel age, it all ends the same way: Eden to Apocalypse. And the idea that Superman can’t even drop by for dinner? Too sad to even contemplate.

Caprica — Frankly, the constant sound of Joseph Adama whining is enough to keep me from ever real estate shopping on Caprica. And I suppose Cylons are pretty freaky too. It’s a lot like earth, geography and technology-wise, but whatever side of time you approach it from, it’s a roller coaster heading toward tracks that don’t exist.

LV-426 — I never understood why anyone would land on LV-426 and decide to have a look around. It should have been obvious immediately that a cosmic game of hide and seek — wherein humans were the hunted and Aliens were the hunters — was going to ensue. Sure, sometimes rock formations are just rock formations, but if you can’t tell what they are through the wind and fog, maybe just find another planet to play on.

Tatooine — It’s dismal, it’s deserted, and it may be the most boring place in a galaxy far, far away. In fact, it’s so boring that a person might be tempted to join a rebel cause to fight an entire Empire, just for a chance to get off the planet. You know, like how some people get jobs on cruise ships to see the world?

Looking to buy a Star Wars (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

• I like to start every column on a positive, cheerful, bunnies-hugging-kittens type note, so who’s up for a pic of the new incarnation of Freddy Kreuger in close-up? You’re welcome!

• While we’re on the subject of the macabre, my fellow PAX-goer and good buddy Harlan sent me this really fascinating and well-thought-out article from IGN about how video games deal with the concept of death.

• Let’s lighten it up, shall we? I don’t understand why, but Anton Yelchin (of Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation fame) has a bizarre effect on me, in which I turn into an elderly woman and just want to pinch his cheeks, saying, “Well, if you’re not just as cute as the dickens!” He may be subverting his clean-faced image, however, seeing as how he’s in talks to star in the upcoming Fright Night remake.

• Here’s the trailer for the upcoming sci-fi horror flick Splice. I loves me some Sarah Polley, and am stoked to see her in a genre film like this after her bloody brilliant performance in Dawn of the Dead.

• My fellow Palantir-seer Ed Kennedy seems to have a thing for cheesy Syfy channel creature features — and really, who can blame him? Well, if you take a plot from one of those flicks, throw in a budget and the words 3D, and you have, well, Shark Night 3D. What sayest thou, Kennedy?

• Speculation is out that Megan Fox might take up the chainmail bikini in Red Sonja, now that Rose McGowan is out, though the article I linked to doesn’t seem to think it’s likely. A year ago I would have thought that was a terrible idea, but Fox really impressed me in Jennifer’s Body, and if they went for a campy adventure-fest instead of a gritty hack-and-slash, that just might work. Hell, anything would beat the original.

• Now this is my kind of list. Cinematical offers us the seven Biggest and Baddest Unleashed Beasts in honor of the monsterrific Clash of the Titans. Release the Kraken!

• The following video is one of the reasons why I’m so grateful to be living in the internet age. Warning: MNSFW. (That stands for mega-not safe for work.)

As you know by now — what with the nine-point Richter scale fanboy squeal that detonated this time last week — the first Scott Pilgrim vs. The World trailer has finally dropped.

The film follows the “seven evil exes” arc from Bryan Lee O’Malley’s stellar graphic novels, and since I have not yet been afflicted with Michael Cera backlash, I loved it — especially the part where Mae Whitman’s Roxie Richter tells Scott Pilgrim that she’s going to kill him. (It was like the Bland Ann Veal/George Michael Bluth fisticuffs I always wanted! Remember when they were almost pre-engaged!)

It’s actually endearing how Scott Pilgrim fights Ramona’s former flames to win her affection, but as I was watching the trailer I realized that if Scott Pilgrim and/or Michael Cera were ever called upon to battle the worst fantasy ex-boyfriends and/or girlfriends, they would be toast.

With that in mind, my best friends and I made a list of the ten worst fantasy exes.

Jean Grey/Phoenix, X-Men: The Last Stand — In the third X-Men movie, a grieving Cyclops discovered that his girlfriend had risen from the dead, and was infinitely hotter than she had been in her first life. (That hair! My God!) He was overjoyed when he found her there by the lake, but then she kissed him and his head literally exploded. (She tried the same thing with another X-Man later on, but Hugh Jackman’s deltoids Wolverine’s willpower was too strong for her.)

Merope Gaunt, Harry Potter — Things with your ex-girlfriend are always going to be awkward, especially when the child you fathered while under the spell of her love potion decides to murder you and your new family in the genocide he spawns while he’s on his quest for immortality. Oh, also: It’s hard to remember when you ever thought it was cute that she spoke Snake.

Jill Roberts, Chuck — It wasn’t enough for Jill to break Chuck’s heart in college by leaving him for his best friend. Noooo, then she had to show up in his life years later as a triple-agent with designs to either: a) turn him over to the bad guys, b) kill him dead c) woo him into re-falling in love with her or d) break-up him and his soul mate. She almost accomplished all of the above. Unfortunately, brown-eyed/brown-haired women are my Kryptonite. So, I get it. But I don’t like it.

Darth Vader, Star Wars — Slashing innocent children to death with a lightsaber? Not exactly what I’d call “boyfriend material.” But once Padmé was out of the picture, things got even worse! Anakin quickly became a heavy-breather with a penchant for trying to kill his own son. And how about when he almost let his children fall in love with one another? Not cool, Vader. Incest is not cool.

Lex Luthor, Lois and Clark — In the first season finale of the Greatest Superhero Show of Our Generation, Lois stared at herself in the mirror in her wedding dress and practiced saying her new name: “Mrs. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane Luthor. Lois … Lois Lane … Lois Lane Kent.” Mr. Lex Luthor? Not so much a fan of her attachment to the name Kent. He even came back from the dead to prove just how much he hated it.

Boomer, Battlestar Galactica — Shot an admiral? Check. Joined the Cylons? Check. Had tricky-pretending-to-be-someone-else-adultery-sex? Check. Kidnapped children? Check. My best BSG buddy chose Boomer over Gaius and/or Six for all of those reasons, even though Gaius and Six did “so much bad things together.”

Frances ‘Frankie’ Kane, The Flash — Superheroes always have complicated love lives, but as soon as Wally West evolved from Kid Flash into The Flash, Frances walked out on him. Maybe if she’d stayed, she wouldn’t have gotten hypnotized into being Magenta. And maybe she wouldn’t have gotten her father’s demon soul implanted into her. It was always the blame game with Frankie Kane. She needs some serious therapy. And a new brain.

Zoebot, Caprica — Every date can’t be canoodling on a canopy bed floating on a pristine lake surrounded by rose petals. Or, you know, flying Vipers. But you’d hope your girlfriend might remember those good times when you want to burn her soul off her meta-cognitive processor. But not Zoebot. She came unhinged, flung her ex-boyfriend across the room, and cracked his skull. Apocalypse anyone?

Rolf, The Sound of Music — I know what you’re thinking: The Sound of Music is not fantasy, Heather Hogan! Well, why don’t you trek on over to Wikipedia and find out about the real von Trapp family (spoiler alert: Sister Maria pregnant out of wedlock!) and then tell me the musical isn’t fantasy. And so let’s talk about Rolf. I hated him from the moment he started that condescending “you need someone older and wiser” song-and-dance, but when he blew his whistle on Liesel and the whole von Trapp Family, well, that was just way over the line. I’ll take care of you, Rolf — with a swift kick to the Nazi sack.

Gollum, Lord of the Rings — There are exes who want to kill you, to kill your new partner, to blow up the whole world. And yes, that’s annoying — but then there are exes who just can’t let go. They hole up in caves and lose all sense of personal hygiene and before you know it, they’re walking on all-fours and muttering into the dark about “their precious” this and “their precious” that. That’s not just irritating; it’s downright menacing. We hates it. Tricksy little exes!

Thanks to Joe, Ashley, Kat, Abigail and Jennie for helping me make this list!

• We all know that The Last Airbender is coming soon, as the movie is about to get an Avatar-like push from all media. (Interestingly, the name of the anime on which it’s based is Avatar: The Last Airbender.) io9 has a lengthy interview with M. Night Shyamalan which addresses, among other subjects, the controversy surrounding the ethnicities of the actors cast in the film.

• Oh, look, more Hobbit news. Now it’s delayed. Again. For this week, at least. Jeez.

• In other news that’s quickly growing tired, we have an X-men update: now Bryan Singer will be producing, not directing the prequel, X-men: First Class. I need something to get me cheerful, stat.

• Yay, found it! The good ol’ folk at io9 has a great list of upcoming popcorn movies to hold us over until summer. I’m looking forward to pretty much all of these.

• Apparently great writers think alike. Way back in July of ‘09, I thought I invented the term “F*%$ Yeah Moment” in an article listing the top seven said moments in fantasy films. But the internet never lies (seriously — everything you read on it is true — always) and so I’ve learned that a blogger named Dave beat me to the punch by about four years. Check out his awesome list of great … ahem … moments in comics.

• I’m a huge sucker for zombie movies. I freaking love them. And even though I didn’t love George Romero’s last two movies, I have enough fanboy loyalty to get excited about the upcoming Survival of the Dead. Here’s the new red band trailer:

• And while we’re on the subject of zombies, here’s a hilarious piece of correspondence between two guys in a zombie-infested world, courtesy of Cracked.com.

• I’m not exactly sure the world is clamoring for sequels to Independence Day, but guess what? We might be getting them anyway.

• Finally, you know what there’s not nearly enough of in the world? Star Wars rap videos. Seriously.