Last week I pointed out the rather disgusting sexual appetites of certain fantasy heroines, namely Buffy Summers, Sookie Stackhouse, and Bella Swan.

But when you take a second look at these vampire/human couples, there’s another disturbing trend: an age gap.

Specifically, an age gap that in some cases spans several centuries.

And these are couples that in some cases involve a teenage girl. So why are we okay with this?

(Bill Compton of True Blood, you get a pass this week. Sure, you’re scandalously older than you’re girlfriend Sookie — you were in the Civil War, after all — but at least Sookie’s an adult.)

Let’s start with you, Edward Cullen, with your big dreamy eyes and your dirty, dirty hair. Sure, you may have that young, boy-next-door, Cedric Diggory-kind of appeal, but lurking behind that underdeveloped chest is the cold, dead heart of an old geezer. Does anyone else think it’s insanely creepy that an old man just keeps going back to high school?

It reminds me of that moment in Dazed and Confused when Matthew McConaughey says, “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” That was unsettling to hear from him, and he was a hot dude in his 20s!

And then you not only go after this girl, you fill her head with nonsense about how all you want to do is kill her, but you’re such a gentleman that you’ll behave and let her live. And somehow you get her to love you for it!

Do they not have Megan’s Law in Forks, Washington?

But of course, that’s merely Twilight, which came well after the couple that started it all: Buffy and Angel. Before they got all freaky with each other, it was relatively unheard of for humans to sleep with vampires. What did you unleash, Joss Whedon?

He was 247. She was 16. He kept telling her how much he loved her, and waited, patiently, until finally having sex with her on the night of her 17th birthday. You got that? He slept with her the moment she became legal. That’s just as creepy as all of those websites counting down to the day the Olsen twins turned 17.

And sure, she was technically legal when she started having crazy house-shattering sex with the punky Spike, but he was still over the hundred year mark, while she was a mere 21. And furthermore, he had been in her life since she was 16 — albeit as a mortal enemy — so he had known her in the context of being a child. What’s the deal, William the Bloody?

Aside from the fact that these are beautiful girls, one has to wonder just what someone who’s been alive that long would really have to talk about with a 16-year-old girl. Here’s a sample conversation:

Vampire: Hey, you.

Girl: Hey, you. You know what I was just thinking about? The ’90s. Man, the ’90s were kick-ass.

Vampire: The ’90s? Oh, please. They had nothing on the Roaring ’20s. Man, those days were the tops.

Girl: The top of what?

Vampire: No, the tops. The cat’s meow.

Girl: You have a cat? Aw, I love cats!

Vampire: Why don’t you listen to your i-Plod?

Girl: iPod.

Vampire: I miss speakeasies.

Yeah, not a lot in common. And yet in story after emo story, we see girls getting suckered in by these debonair vamps (and interestingly, almost never do we see these stories with the genders reversed).

So let this be a cautionary tale to concerned parents out there: if you see your daughter hanging around a boy with pale skin, an anguished expression, and an unusually vast knowledge of antiquated colloquialisms, get those crucifixes and garlic ready pronto. You’ll thank me when you don’t have any unexpected grandchildren with fangs.

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Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherein we match up combatants from the realm of fantasy to see who would survive in a fight to the death. Kind of like that Spike TV show. But way cooler.

And speaking of spikes, today we deal with two warriors who have never met, but would surely stack up there with the greatest matches of all time if they did.  William the Bloody, now known as Spike, is a tough-as-nails vampire punk, who kept Buffy Summers, the infamous vampire slayer, on her toes (and occasionally on her back) for years. What an interesting long-black-leather-trench-coat grudge match it would be were Spike to ever come head to head with another far less peppy vampire slayer, namely the grim warrior for good known as Blade.

So who is Spike?

Though he was of upper class origins, once turned into a vampire, William Pratt became a rebel without a soul, wantonly killing for the rush of it, and joining up with his sire, Drusilla, and he evil crew, consisting of Angelus and Darla, two of the most notorious vampires ever to come to Sunnydale. After parting ways with them, Spike and Drusilla traveled to Prague, where Drusilla was injured severely by an angry mob. Some time after this, they made their way to Sunnydale and began terrorizing Buffy Summers and her gang.

With us once again to discuss Spike is Andrew Wells, a companion of Buffy Summers and her gang of slayers.

“Oh, where do I begin? Spike is the coolest vampire ever. We really bonded back in the day…yeah, we had a motorcycle ride together and discussed hors d’oeuvres. We kind of have a connection, the kind he doesn’t have with most people, because he’s afraid to be vulnerable in front of them.”

Right.

“He’s pretty sensitive if you give him a chance.”

Andrew, we’re here to discuss Spike’s fighting skills…

“Oh, okay, yeah, he’s a total bleach-blonde badass! He’s young for vampire standards, but he’s mastered all sorts of fighting styles, and has taken on tons of crazy enemies. He killed two slayers, and almost killed Buffy a number of times! And that’s a really big deal, because Buffy is, like, the Borg Queen of the slayers. On top of that, he has this crazy endurance to pain. He’s been tortured numerous times and never gives in. He’s like ten Jack Bauers in one body!”

Moving on to our next fighter, we take a look at the enigmatic vampire fighter called Blade. Blade was born at the exact moment his mother was being fed on by a vampire, which resulted in him being granted several preternatural powers, including a greatly elongated lifespan and the ability to sense other nearby supernatural creatures.

Here to discuss Blade’s combat abilities is Adriana Van Salazar, who hailed from Sunnydale (the same town as Buffy Summers) until it was destroyed. She’s a personal trainer and martial arts instructor who is fascinated by all things vampire, and has made a case study of Blade.

“Blade is a piece of work, let me tell you. You already know about his birth, but what you might not know is that later on, he was bitten by the vampire called Morbius, and given additional powers.”

So Blade is actually a vampire?

“No, he’s more of what you’d call a dhampir – a creature with all of the powers of vampires but none of the weaknesses. So, for example, he has super-strength and agility, but he can also walk in the sunlight. Best of both worlds.”

And his fighting skills?

“He’s hardcore. He uses a double-edged sword as his signature weapon — ideal for beheading vamps. He’s an expert martial artist and lethal with any…well, any blade.”

So how would he fare against Spike?

“Oh, I think I’d have to give this one to Blade. He’s just the tougher dude here.”

“Are you kidding me?” Andrew scoffs. “Spike would beat him in a nanosecond on experience and versatility alone! He’s  been bad, good, dead, alive, human, vampire, ghost-vampire-thing … he sacrificed himself to save Buffy and the slayers and then came back all Spike the White, more powerful and with bigger pecs than ever before.”

“Well,” Adriana says, “Blade faced off with Dracula!”

“So did Spike! Say what you will, lady, Spike’s the bizomb.”

We feed all of the stats into our battle simulation computer, and it turns out Spike is indeed the bizomb … or at least, the victor for the most part, as the computer has him winning over 80% of the time in a battle against Blade. It turns out that Spike’s brand of vampirism, combined with his intelligence and ingenuity in battle, is just too much for his day-walking opponent.

“See? Finally that computer makes sense!” Andrew says. “Now I’m heading back to Tibet before anyone misses me.”

Be sure to join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Battle #8: Spike vs. Blade

Winner: Spike