As you know by now — what with the nine-point Richter scale fanboy squeal that detonated this time last week — the first Scott Pilgrim vs. The World trailer has finally dropped.

The film follows the “seven evil exes” arc from Bryan Lee O’Malley’s stellar graphic novels, and since I have not yet been afflicted with Michael Cera backlash, I loved it — especially the part where Mae Whitman’s Roxie Richter tells Scott Pilgrim that she’s going to kill him. (It was like the Bland Ann Veal/George Michael Bluth fisticuffs I always wanted! Remember when they were almost pre-engaged!)

It’s actually endearing how Scott Pilgrim fights Ramona’s former flames to win her affection, but as I was watching the trailer I realized that if Scott Pilgrim and/or Michael Cera were ever called upon to battle the worst fantasy ex-boyfriends and/or girlfriends, they would be toast.

With that in mind, my best friends and I made a list of the ten worst fantasy exes.

Jean Grey/Phoenix, X-Men: The Last Stand — In the third X-Men movie, a grieving Cyclops discovered that his girlfriend had risen from the dead, and was infinitely hotter than she had been in her first life. (That hair! My God!) He was overjoyed when he found her there by the lake, but then she kissed him and his head literally exploded. (She tried the same thing with another X-Man later on, but Hugh Jackman’s deltoids Wolverine’s willpower was too strong for her.)

Merope Gaunt, Harry Potter — Things with your ex-girlfriend are always going to be awkward, especially when the child you fathered while under the spell of her love potion decides to murder you and your new family in the genocide he spawns while he’s on his quest for immortality. Oh, also: It’s hard to remember when you ever thought it was cute that she spoke Snake.

Jill Roberts, Chuck — It wasn’t enough for Jill to break Chuck’s heart in college by leaving him for his best friend. Noooo, then she had to show up in his life years later as a triple-agent with designs to either: a) turn him over to the bad guys, b) kill him dead c) woo him into re-falling in love with her or d) break-up him and his soul mate. She almost accomplished all of the above. Unfortunately, brown-eyed/brown-haired women are my Kryptonite. So, I get it. But I don’t like it.

Darth Vader, Star Wars — Slashing innocent children to death with a lightsaber? Not exactly what I’d call “boyfriend material.” But once Padmé was out of the picture, things got even worse! Anakin quickly became a heavy-breather with a penchant for trying to kill his own son. And how about when he almost let his children fall in love with one another? Not cool, Vader. Incest is not cool.

Lex Luthor, Lois and Clark — In the first season finale of the Greatest Superhero Show of Our Generation, Lois stared at herself in the mirror in her wedding dress and practiced saying her new name: “Mrs. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane Luthor. Lois … Lois Lane … Lois Lane Kent.” Mr. Lex Luthor? Not so much a fan of her attachment to the name Kent. He even came back from the dead to prove just how much he hated it.

Boomer, Battlestar Galactica — Shot an admiral? Check. Joined the Cylons? Check. Had tricky-pretending-to-be-someone-else-adultery-sex? Check. Kidnapped children? Check. My best BSG buddy chose Boomer over Gaius and/or Six for all of those reasons, even though Gaius and Six did “so much bad things together.”

Frances ‘Frankie’ Kane, The Flash — Superheroes always have complicated love lives, but as soon as Wally West evolved from Kid Flash into The Flash, Frances walked out on him. Maybe if she’d stayed, she wouldn’t have gotten hypnotized into being Magenta. And maybe she wouldn’t have gotten her father’s demon soul implanted into her. It was always the blame game with Frankie Kane. She needs some serious therapy. And a new brain.

Zoebot, Caprica — Every date can’t be canoodling on a canopy bed floating on a pristine lake surrounded by rose petals. Or, you know, flying Vipers. But you’d hope your girlfriend might remember those good times when you want to burn her soul off her meta-cognitive processor. But not Zoebot. She came unhinged, flung her ex-boyfriend across the room, and cracked his skull. Apocalypse anyone?

Rolf, The Sound of Music — I know what you’re thinking: The Sound of Music is not fantasy, Heather Hogan! Well, why don’t you trek on over to Wikipedia and find out about the real von Trapp family (spoiler alert: Sister Maria pregnant out of wedlock!) and then tell me the musical isn’t fantasy. And so let’s talk about Rolf. I hated him from the moment he started that condescending “you need someone older and wiser” song-and-dance, but when he blew his whistle on Liesel and the whole von Trapp Family, well, that was just way over the line. I’ll take care of you, Rolf — with a swift kick to the Nazi sack.

Gollum, Lord of the Rings — There are exes who want to kill you, to kill your new partner, to blow up the whole world. And yes, that’s annoying — but then there are exes who just can’t let go. They hole up in caves and lose all sense of personal hygiene and before you know it, they’re walking on all-fours and muttering into the dark about “their precious” this and “their precious” that. That’s not just irritating; it’s downright menacing. We hates it. Tricksy little exes!

Thanks to Joe, Ashley, Kat, Abigail and Jennie for helping me make this list!