Two and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

This film makes the phrase “revenge is a bitch” a little more ugly.

Jonah Hex, starring Josh Brolin and  Megan Fox, bombed at the box office this weekend, taking in an astoundingly poor $5 million on almost 3000 screens.

Jonah Hex has its action (as all movies based on Marvel or DC comics do), but, frankly, it lacks the spark and suspense needed to make the movie enjoyable.

I had high expectations, because I’ve been a fan of recent DC adaptations (Batman, Superman, etc.).

Let’s just say I shouldn’t have held such high expectations.

The storyline is simple — Hex’s loved ones get killed, he survives torture, he wants revenge, he goes and gets revenge. Meanwhile, Hex has the ability to awaken dead people with the touch of his hand.

In other words, Hex is a man who lives between the mortal world and hell. Bound and left for dead, he was found by Native Americans who cared for him until he healed. His scarred face was deliberately left on him by the villain to remind him of his cowardly actions. His ability to speak to the dead by his touch came to him during his near-death and revival experience by the Native Americans.

Now his only connection to the “real” world comes through a woman named Lilah who works in a brothel, and through his desperate desire for revenge against the villain.

But for an action movie, Jonah Hex needed more action. I wanted more fighting, more shooting, more blood. Hex only used his “powers” once to actually kill someone (one scene that actually caught my attention).

As for romance — hey, for us girls! — there was even less of that, nor did Fox and Brolin have much chemistry.

Plot-wise, there were no surprises. It was all by-the-numbers. The only questions I ever had involved what Brolin had just said — sometimes difficult to understand given his Western accent and heavy make-up.

Sometimes great movies fail at the box office, and sometimes terrible movies do great business; it’s a bad thing when both those things happen.

But sometimes terrible movies do terrible at the box office. It’s just like the wild,wild west: not often, but sometimes there actually is justice in the world.

Summer’s a great time, isn’t it? Gone are the long overcoats, the big fuzzy sweaters, and the scarves.

That’s right, people. It’s sexy time again.

Last year, we began what is now officially our annual tradition of the sexiest characters of fantasy. This year, we’re doin’ ya one better — we’re going to let YOU, our readers, decide for yourselves.

The guidelines are simple. One, we are judging characters for their sex appeal, not actors, so even if you happen to find Cate Blanchett the sexiest lady around, I think we can all agree that her turn as Galadriel didn’t exactly turn up the heat.

Two, we are specifically dealing with fantasy characters and not sci-fi, which means that Trinity, Aeon Flux, etc. are out of the running. Superheroes are okay, but we’re mostly going for high fantasy or urban fantasy, a la Legend of the Seeker, True Blood, and the like.

Three, we’re looking for recent entries into the world of fantasy. Basically, the character has to have appeared in an entertainment project released from 2009 to 2010.

And now that the rules are out of the way, here are our nominees. You can vote below!

Lucretia

Though Lucy Lawless will always be remembered for playing Xena, she still brings the sexy (and then some!) almost ten years later as the wickedly seductive Lucretia on Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

Naevia

Speaking of Lucretia, most Spartacus fans first got a glimpse of the surprisingly plucky slave girl, Naevia, when she was essentially being used as a human sex toy to get her domina, Lucretia, going so she could have sex with her husband and not have to bother with all that pesky foreplay stuff. But who would have thought that she would  blossom into a strong-willed character of her own who catches not only the eye but the heart and soul of the toughest gladiator in the ludus, Crixus?

Mira

The last Spartacus entry on the list is another humble-at-first-then-proves-to-be-resourceful slave girl. Mira, who only appeared in about the last third of the season, managed to arouse the man himself, Spartacus, and almost make him forget his late wife. Now that’s a woman.

Kate Austin

Over the past few years, Lost became such a ridiculously complex torrent of red herrings (by which I mean, of course, that the writers had absolutely no idea what they were doing) that it almost made one forget how, in 2004, an unknown actress named Evangeline Lilly created the character of Kate who was tough, capable, and looked damn good in a tank top and baggy jeans. Though the show may have ended on a whimper, no one can deny that for six years, Kate looked damn sexy running around that island.

Jennifer

There’s classy sexy, and then there’s slutty sexy. Hey, I’m not judging. To each his own. Though she was more Mortal Kombat’s Baraka than prom queen, the titular heroine/villainess of Jennifer’s Body was certainly not lacking in the sexuality department … even if she was eating boys (literally).

Persephone

A few months back, I reviewed Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and I won’t split hairs — I did not like it. But near the end, just as I was about to nod off, was woken up a big jolt of sexy in the form of Rosario Dawson’s luscious death goddess, Persephone. If that’s what awaits us in the Underworld, kill me now.

Io

Clash of the Titans may have been a gods-awful flick, but at least it did take a few seconds away from the constant boss-fight-after-boss-fight to allow us to soak in the sexiness that was Gemma Arterton’s enigmatic Io. (Gemma Arterton fans? Careful you don’t split your votes by voting for Arterton’s Princess Tamina in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time!)

Neytiri

Go ahead. I dare you to tell me you didn’t feel a little stirring of something for some of the Na’vi when watching Avatar. No need to feel pervy for wanting to mack on blue monkey-cat people: their bodies were clearly designed to be lithe, sexy, and pleasurable to behold. And few were more behold-able than Neytiri, as performed by the delicious Zoe Saldana. (And lest you protest that Avatar was sci-fi, Pandora itself was clearly a fantasy setting, with its blue inhabitants, floating mountains, and soul transferring.)

Morrigan

What’s that, you say? Morrigan isn’t “real,” but is, instead, a character in the video game Dragon Age: Origin? Clearly, you have yet to play Dragon Age: Origin! When it comes to sexy sorceresses, we prefer ours with a “bad girl” vibe and more than a touch of ‘tude — which is Morrigan all the way. Plus, we have it on good authority that things get, uh, interesting if you “gift” her enough necklaces, amulets, and broaches!

Kahlan

Cara

Legend of the Seeker may have been unjustly canceled, but its characters will live on in our memories and imaginations forever. And while the plots and dialogue were fantastic, it certainly didn’t hurt that its two main female leads were so breathtaking to gaze upon. And so we give you the gorgeous Kahlan and Cara.

So there are our nominees. We also have a “none of the above” option for any glaring omissions, but be sure to add the name in our “comments,” below!

THE POLL IS NOW CLOSED! SEE THE RESULTS HERE

Tune in soon for the men!

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• I like to start every column on a positive, cheerful, bunnies-hugging-kittens type note, so who’s up for a pic of the new incarnation of Freddy Kreuger in close-up? You’re welcome!

• While we’re on the subject of the macabre, my fellow PAX-goer and good buddy Harlan sent me this really fascinating and well-thought-out article from IGN about how video games deal with the concept of death.

• Let’s lighten it up, shall we? I don’t understand why, but Anton Yelchin (of Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation fame) has a bizarre effect on me, in which I turn into an elderly woman and just want to pinch his cheeks, saying, “Well, if you’re not just as cute as the dickens!” He may be subverting his clean-faced image, however, seeing as how he’s in talks to star in the upcoming Fright Night remake.

• Here’s the trailer for the upcoming sci-fi horror flick Splice. I loves me some Sarah Polley, and am stoked to see her in a genre film like this after her bloody brilliant performance in Dawn of the Dead.

• My fellow Palantir-seer Ed Kennedy seems to have a thing for cheesy Syfy channel creature features — and really, who can blame him? Well, if you take a plot from one of those flicks, throw in a budget and the words 3D, and you have, well, Shark Night 3D. What sayest thou, Kennedy?

• Speculation is out that Megan Fox might take up the chainmail bikini in Red Sonja, now that Rose McGowan is out, though the article I linked to doesn’t seem to think it’s likely. A year ago I would have thought that was a terrible idea, but Fox really impressed me in Jennifer’s Body, and if they went for a campy adventure-fest instead of a gritty hack-and-slash, that just might work. Hell, anything would beat the original.

• Now this is my kind of list. Cinematical offers us the seven Biggest and Baddest Unleashed Beasts in honor of the monsterrific Clash of the Titans. Release the Kraken!

• The following video is one of the reasons why I’m so grateful to be living in the internet age. Warning: MNSFW. (That stands for mega-not safe for work.)

• Best of both worlds? The Spider-man team met with the Avatar team to discuss filming the next episode of the webslinger saga in 3-D.

• Speaking of Avatar, here’s a fun little story about how the power of love changed the ending of one particular screening of the movie on Valentine’s Day.

• And in case this just wasn’t enough Avatar news for you blue-cat-monkey-people lovers, James Cameron is planning to write a prequel to the blockbuster … in the form of a novel.

• In the never-ending avalanche of both remakes and franchises, this article speaks of the efforts to turn Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein novels into a series of films. Anyone excited about this? Hands?

• I know everyone out there is just dying for more vampire stories, something our culture is almost completely deprived of, so thank the powers that be that The Vampire Diaries has been picked up for another season. The article is informative, but I found calling the CW the “C-Dub” and the show’s performance its “perf” to be just on this side of obnoxious.

• And while we’re on the subject of vampires (don’t you love these segues?), here’s another potential 3-D story for you. Turns out that the masterminds behind the Twilight saga are trying to figure out if they want to project Taylor Lautner’s glorious six-pack abs into the third dimension.

• What’s that, you say? Can’t get enough of Megan Fox’s bust? Well, neither can a lot of people, but fortunately, you can soon own it when these busts are released as a tie-in to the Jonah Hex movie. Horndogs everywhere, you’re welcome.

• I’ll just own this: Lord of the Rings is my favorite fantasy story of all time, and I own all the various incarnations of DVD’s, including the pretty craptastic Ralph Bakshi cartoon. LOTR was the book/movie/video game series that made me a fantasy fanboy, and it will always have a special place in my heart. Therefore, I get majorly psyched when someone with the same love in their hearts busts out the elbow grease and makes a fan film such as Born of Hope. May I suggest a trip to their website? The trailer is below:

Three and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

Jennifer’s Body is the second film from Juno scribe Diablo Cody, who once again puts her ear for snappy dialogue to use and turns it into the unbilled third star of her film.

As for the plot? Not as great, but more on that later.

For starters, what can I say that hasn’t already been said about Megan Fox, who plays the titular Jennifer? We all know she’s smoking hot. Her PR people have been unrelenting in their determination to brand her as a man-eating sex goddess, and her character in Body is really just an extension of that brand, with the focus being more on the man-eating, less on the sex goddess.

Still, you have to applaud Fox for taking a role which requires her to be covered in blood and gore and be, frankly, unhot for much of the time, when I’m sure she’s been offered dozens of roles that allow for unblemished skin all the way through the script.

Amanda Seyfried, who seems to be mostly overlooked in favor of Fox (which is true for their characters as well), really shines as Needy, the reluctant hero of this film. Anyone who saw Mama Mia knows how radiantly beautiful she is, and yet she spends the entire film in mousy glasses and unkempt hair, and no one makes a peep. Maybe gentlemen really don’t prefer blondes.

The plot, as I mentioned before, is uninventive — anyone who’s seen the previews knows Jennifer gets possessed by a demon and starts killing her male classmates — but I almost wonder if it was run-of-the-mill on purpose. After all, what makes this film fun, more than anything, is seeing Megan Fox go all Baraka-from-Mortal-Kombat on poor, unfortunate teenage boys.

The other enjoyable factor is, of course, Cody’s dialogue. I found myself cracking a big smile when Jennifer is tired of Needy’s mourning over the death of dozens of their friends from a fire and tells her to “MoveOn.org.”

Another memorable moment is when, while having sex with her boyfriend, Needy somehow psychically witnesses Jennifer murdering a boy, and she begins to scream and sob. Worried, her boyfriend asks if he hurt her, and then, with hope in his eyes, asks “Am I too big?”

It is in these moments when you have to surrender to Cody’s clever vision — a horror movie that’s fun. Twisted and dark, yes, but it never goes too long without a laugh. While it’s my belief that Cody will never find a better actor to deliver her dialogue than Ellen Page, Seyfried and Fox do an admirable job.

There is one thing that bothered me, though. Written by a woman, directed by a woman, with the two lead roles being women, it struck me as surprisingly exploitative in one particular scene in which the two girls, both of whom are sexually active with boys, have a nice little makeout session, and this is after Needy knows Jennifer is an evil demon.

It makes no sense, and is extremely unnecessary. Hints of their sexual attraction to each other pop up every now and then, but never as a sympathetic, realistic plot point — merely, it seems, as a way to titillate male viewers. In my head I pictured Diablo Cody writing this and thinking, “Okay, if I want boys to come see a girl-made horror film, I should give ‘em what they want: two hot chicks making out.”

Believe me, I am in no way against hot chicks making out (or anyone making out for that matter), but it seems like that’s the one time the film forgot it was self-aware. It actually could have been milked for comedy and been really funny by playing on the exploitative nature of cheesy horror films, but no … just close-ups of lips and tongues for no reason. Then Needy remembers Jennifer’s a demon and jumps away, and the plot picks up right where it left off, as if the kissing never happened. Bizarre.

A note to Diablo Cody: Your work is really good, and you should trust in it. You don’t need to go this route just to sell tickets.

All in all, if you’re into horror films, this is certainly one of the most original I’ve seen in a while. I recommend it, and make sure you stay for the credits to catch a satisfying epilogue.

Final thought: While the film takes place in a town called Devil’s Kettle, we’re never told what state it’s in, though from the sizable occult section in their school library, I’m guessing it’s probably located somewhere near Sunnydale, California.