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HARRY POTTER Board Games: Hogwarts-opoly, Connect Gryffindor, and More!

Posted on 20 January 2010

Wherever there’s fandom chatter, people always want to talk about which fantasy series is better: Harry Potter or Twilight. (Answer: Potter, obviously.) But one thing no one ever talks about is how much harder it is to be a Harry Potter fan, especially when it comes to the films. While New Line is cranking out a fresh Twilight movie every six weeks, Potter fans are forced to survive on a diet of sparsely-served set photos for months (or even years!) at a time.

So, what’s a Potter fan to do as we wait for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1? Well, you could always reread the books for the tenth time. Or, you could apply for a job as a fry cook at soon-to-open Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Or, you could fashion yourself some Potter-themed games to pass the days until December 8th. Here are our suggestions:

Hogwarts-opoly — Turn any Monopoly board into a race to buy up properties in Diagon Alley! Steer clear of Azkaban, and don’t forget to pass Gringotts and collect your 19 Galleons, 14 Sickles and 18 Knuts!

Harry Potter Clue — Maybe you only thought you knew who did it. Was it Voldemort in Godric’s Hollow with the Horcrux? Was it really? Maybe it was Malfoy in the Whomping Willow with the Sword of Griyffindor (as if he could pull that from the Sorting Hat!). Or Hermione in The Leaky Cauldron with the Elder Wand. So many possibilities. (And think of the cross-over fan fic: Malfoy/Miss Scarlet anyone?)

Connect Gryffindor — A Neville-Hermione-Dumbledore-Lavender is just as good as a Dean-Hagrid-Ginny-McGonagall! Just work your way around those pesky Slytherins. You should be an old pro at that by now!

Do you have any other ideas for ways to pass the time until Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

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Twenty Fantasy-Themed Halloween Costumes You Should Consider

Posted on 29 October 2009

Tags: Halloween, Humor

So you think you’re being sooooo clever by going to your Halloween party dressed as Treebeard with a cardboard trunk or the White Witch with a crown made of actual ice.

Trust me, you’re not.

By contrast, here are some fantasy-themed Halloween costumes you should definitely consider:

Andy Sirkis in his “green-screen” Gollum suit.

Shrek’s Lord Farquaad — but doing it on your knees has been done. Consider cutting your legs 0ff.

Baby Gandalf.

When it comes to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Willow Rosenberg, everyone rushes straight for Vamp Willow or Angry-at-Tara’s-Death-Evil Willow. We say shake it up and go for boring, first season Plaid Willow.

David Naughton or Russell Tovey, post-werewolf transformation. (Basically, this means going to the party naked.)

Galadriel’s depressive, low self-esteemed sister, Sadriel.

Not Blacula, but Latino-la.

Harry Potter in his “invisibility cloak.” Yes, this means you don’t really have to go to the Halloween party at all.

Tim Burton. N’uff said.

A Senior Citizen of the Corn.

Leia in the metal bikini has been done, so if you’re looking for sexy, why not consider the woman with three boobs in Jabba’s palace?

A ghost using a bedsheet with two holes cut of it. (Hey, it’s ironic!)

Lembas.

Raquel Welch wrapped up in antibodies in Fantastic Voyage.

Sam or Dean Winchester. (Hey, if you look like Jensen Ackles or Jared Padalecki, you don’t need a costume!)

Baby Dumbledore.

A gelatinous cube.

Selene from Underworld after she’s run out of baby powder (chafing galore!).

Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in Alien. But this is actually a difficult look to pull off. It requires buying panties eight sizes too small — and then drying them in really high heat until they shrink four more sizes.

Upon further reflection, we’ve decided that going to a Halloween party as the White Witch with a crown made of actual ice is pretty cool after all. But may we suggest to bring a spare crown — and be prepared to get wet?

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Ten Cool Pumpkins!

Posted on 27 October 2009

Tags: Halloween, Humor, Jack-O-Lantern, Pictures, Pumpkins

It’s that time of year again! That freaky-deaky week leading up to the holiday that fantasy fans, horror geeks, and scifi nerds alike all treasure above all the rest: Halloween. If I could pull it off, I’d go “Holla!” But I can’t.

So in lieu of awesome slang, I’ll instead give you a little treat for your pumpkin-shaped candy vessel instead — ten of the most awesome Jack-O-Lanterns to be found in that screwy mess of a place we call the internet. So take a break from frantically sewing your Dumbledore costume and enjoy the pumpkins!

First up is a batch for all you Star Wars junkies out there:

This one just freaks me out:

Artistic AND evil:

Some gamer awesomeness:

Hated the movie, love the pumpkin:

A possible homage to Goonies:

Disturbing and funny at the same time:

VERY clever use of the stem, which is usually ignored:

And, okay, I lied. There aren’t ten here — there are eleven. Because when I saw this pumpkin I just about fell in love…

Happy Halloween! And if you have a picture of your own awesome pumpkin, give us a link in the comments!

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The Poison Pen (Gossip from the World of Fantasy!)

Posted on 14 October 2009

Tags: Disney Princesses, Humor, The Poison Pen

Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Everyone’s favorite Xena villain, Callisto, has, like a certain former vice-presidential candidate, “gone rogue”! In the course of one week, she’s been the subject of an internet sex tape, admitted to using crack with Bobby Brown, attempted to blackmail David Letterman, flashed her unspeakables while getting out of a limousine, and boorishly interrupted Taylor Swift while she accepted another award. I guess even Callisto’s decided that she’s far more interesting when she’s being bad!

Sadly, there is discord in the castle of Ariel and Prince Eric — and no, I’m not going to make some snide comment about the former mermaid being anatomically incorrect! Seems that the problem is as simple as seafood: Prince Eric loves it, but Ariel has put her fin down. And why not? At least half the time, “dinner” ended up being one of her close friends!

Speaking of Disney Princesses, word is that Mulan may not officially be one for much longer. “She’s not a f*****g princess!” says Snow White, who claims to speak for the other eight Disney Princesses who all want to see Mulan de-princessed ASAP. “Look, we accepted Belle as a ‘princess,’ when all she did was marry a prince. And this isn’t a racial thing, because we accepted Princess Tiana and even Pocahontas, despite the fact that it was clear that her Native American social milieu had no system of ‘royalty’ as we know it. But Mulan? Her parents aren’t royalty!” I spoke to Mulan about the brouhaha, who said this with a sigh: “It’s true. They are all such princesses.”

Let’s face it: there’s nothing I can say about Cersei Lannister and her twin brother/lover Jaime Lannister that is any juicier than what everyone already knows. Oh, what’s a gossip-monger to do?!

Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain “dark lord” who desperately desires an item that could utterly destroy him — except the insignificant nobody who possesses it doesn’t know how to use it! Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it?

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Everything Else That Can (and Probably WILL) Go Wrong with THE HOBBIT Movie

Posted on 01 October 2009

Tags: Humor, Peter Jackson, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings

First, there was all that bad blood between New Line Studios and Peter Jackson over profits from the Lord of the Rings movies. Then there was a lawsuit from the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien where they threatened to shut down the entire production of the movie version of The Hobbit. Now MGM is suddenly on the verge of bankruptcy, jeopardizing the production all over again.

Is The Hobbit cursed or what? Will this movie ever see the light of day?

Industry observers say it’ll all work out in the end — that there’s way too much money at stake for the movie to not get made.

I’m not so sure. Here are my predictions for what can — and almost certainly will — jeopardize The Hobbit next:

A man who went to kindergarten with Tolkien will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming the Lord of the Rings author plagiarized his books from the man’s contributions to “storytime.”

Andy Serkis will insist on playing the part of Gollum with the voice of Donald Duck.

Swine flu will take out the entire New Line staff.

Guillermo Del Toro, Peter Jackson, and Fran Walsh will become involved in a complicated love triangle which results in none of them speaking.

Olaf Engelstad, a man of Norwegian descent, will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming his ancestors invented the concept of the “elf.”

Director Guillermo Del Toro will be replaced by Eli Roth.

Locusts will descend on New Zealand.

The trend of big-budget special effects extravaganzas will come to an abrupt end as Americans suddenly develop an insatiable yearning for non-linear foreign film (without subtitles).

The descendants of Eadweard Muybrid will sue the producers for a share of the profits, reminding them that Muybrid was the inventor of “film.”

Peter Jackson will reveal that he’s become Amish and insist that no technology whatsoever be used in the making of the movie.

The part of Bilbo will be played by Sofia Coppola.

Unable to vanquish the locusts, New Zealand will also fall into eternal darkness.

Ian McKellen will develop massive boils.

Eli Roth will replaced by Rob Zombie.

Actual Ents will be discovered in the Redwood forests of California, right before they go on a rampage, destroying Los Angeles.

Still consumed by locusts and darkness, New Zealand will sink into the ocean.

CGI green-screen technology will become impossible when God unexpectedly eliminates the color “green.”

A meteor will crash into the planet, eliminating all life on Earth.

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The Poison Pen (The Latest Gossip from the Kingdom!)

Posted on 29 September 2009

Tags: Humor, The Poison Pen

Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Just because a woman is powerful, that doesn’t mean she’s evil! So says a new group of witches, stepmothers, and queens who have banded together to protest the results of a new study that shows that fantasy tends to portray women with power as, well, evil.

“It’s pure stereotypes and prejudice!” said Maleficent yesterday at a press conference in New York where she was joined by The White Which, The Wicked Witch of the West, four Wicked Stepmothers, and The Queen (from Snow White).

The woman have formed a new group called Persons Organizing In Support of New Approaches for Labeling Evil, or P.O.I.S.O.N. A.P.P.L.E.

Unfortunately, the group probably didn’t do their cause much good since, in response to the first question, they cast a group spell turning all the reporters into maggots, then immediately went to the elementary school across the street and cooked and ate all the children.

In other news, contrary to what many other media outlets have reported, it is apparently not true that the dish ran away with the spoon.

“No, I’m still happily coupled with the garlic-press,” says the dish in an exclusive interview with The Poison Pen. “Interestingly, the spoon and I did date very briefly years ago, but there was absolutely no chemistry. At the end of the day, all he was interested in was — yup — spooning.”

In other “Hey, Diddle, Diddle!”-related news, it’s also not true that the cow jumped over the moon. The cow was mooned — by a group that included both the fiddling cat and laughing dog.

In Narnia news, a judge has thrown out Edward Pevensie’s case against his brother, Peter. Edward’s lawyer had argued that Peter’s elevation to “High King” was unfair, based solely on Peter being the older brother, and violated his rights to equal protection. The judge ruled that Edward’s case had no merit because Narnia has no constitution and no law, and is instead ruled by “the capricious whims of Aslan whenever he happens to grace us with his presence.”

And finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain elven queen who got tired of staring at those crow’s feet in her glimmering pool of water. Word is, her surgeon was a real magician — or is it that her magician was a real surgeon? — and she looks at least 500 years younger!

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The Poison Pen (The Latest Gossip from the Kingdom!)

Posted on 17 September 2009

Tags: gossip, Humor, The Poison Pen

Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Is anyone else as unsurprised as I by the rumors flying of out of Minas Tirith? Oh, sure, we all think it’s romantic, an elf giving up her immortality for a human, but talk about a power imbalance in the relationship! Just imagine how often the “I gave up my immortality for you” card gets played in that castle! “I forgot your birthday? Yeah, well, boo hoo! I gave up my immortality for you!”

Speaking of marital discord, word is that things are no better over on Skull Island where a certain “King” is at wits end with a famously fair-haired beauty. Yes, yes, I know you’re expecting me to make the obvious joke about, um, “marital incompatibility,” but the problem is a lot more basic than that: it turns out she’s allergic!

Twelve labors of Hercules? I have it on good authority that the Augean Stables were still filthy, and he got the Amazon queen’s girdle simply by going through her dirty laundry. Oh, and that “nine-headed Lernaean Hydra“? A starfish, folks — a starfish!

Now it’s true that it was the woodcutter’s new wife who wanted Hansel and Gretel dead, but it was the woodcutter himself who led them into the woods and abandoned them there. Not once, but twice! And then when the children returned from the witch’s house, it’s their stepmother who is conveniently “dead”? Someone call CPS — the woodcutter’s a sociopath! Happily ever after, indeed.

If you’ve spent any time with them, you know that Dorothy and Alice never agree on anything, but at a dinner party last weekend at Wendy Darling’s (with moi in attendance!), they were finally in total agreement about one thing: what with rabbit holes and twisters, next time they’d both wear pants.

P.S. Wendy does enjoy her “pixie dust,” doesn’t she?

Finally, here’s blind item about a certain demure, supposedly lily-white maiden who, it seems, is no longer spending time in the company of unicorns, and we all know what that means, don’t we?

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Who Still Goes to See Eddie Murphy Movies? Anyone?

Posted on 10 June 2009

Tags: Eddie Murphy, Humor, Imagine That, Movies

I don’t want to be that guy and write a negative, disparaging piece going after a particular celebrity, but…

Who goes to see Eddie Murphy movies? What’s his demographic?

No, seriously, how does he keep getting work?

I understand that his movies must make money, or the studios wouldn’t be making them. And I occasionally see his appeal: he was pretty funny as the voice of Donkey in Shrek, and he had a good turn in Dreamgirls.

But Norbit? Daddy Daycare? Dr. Doolittle? The Adventures of Pluto Nash? Meet Dave? Nutty Professor? Vampire in Brooklyn? Did anyone actually see these movies, or God forbid, any of their sequels?

I appreciate that Eddie Murphy has a fondness for fantasy-tinged movies. I remember, as a single-digit kid, really enjoying The Golden Child, a fantasy adventure in which Eddie Murphy plays a wise-cracking (surprised?) cop who has to rescue a child from a … oh, what’s the point? As an adult, the film’s unwatchable. I know. I tried. But there was magic and a snake woman, so as a tot I was hooked. You can’t beat snake women.

But come on, man. He never plays a character — he always plays Eddie Murphy. While some movie stars can get away with that, I don’t want to spend ten bucks to hang out with Eddie Murphy for two hours. For one thing, even though he’s clearly trying to carve out a niche as a family movie staple, I haven’t forgotten how insidiously he opened his Delirious stand-up act with a five minute rant about how he hates “faggots,” ironically getting into a spot of trouble later in life with a transsexual prostitute. (You can find clips of this special on Youtube. Maybe it’s just the politically correct times we live in, but I find the hate speech he uses unbelievable.)

And as if one Eddie Murphy isn’t enough, why does he populate films with multiple characters all played by him? What exec agreed this would be a good idea?

Even more confusing is that he has a list of reputable leading ladies. Thandie Newton, Regina King, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Angela Bassett (just to name a few) are all beautiful, talented actresses of color who deserve far better roles than second-fiddle love interests to the latest Eddie Murphy snooze-a-thon. Someone get out there and write a film to showcase their talent and save them from having to lower themselves to this awful dreck.

Okay, end of rant. I’m genuinely curious to know if there are any Eddie Murphy fans out there, because in my very unscientific survey of everyone I have ever known, there’s not a lot of love going his way. Anyone out there planning to see Imagine That? Feel free to speak up. I won’t judge.

Much.

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Six Reasons I’m Glad I’m a Muggle

Posted on 08 June 2009

Tags: Harry Potter, Humor, J.K. Rowling

I just finished re-reading all the Harry Potter books again. Just like the first time through, I was sucked into J.K. Rowling’s stunning world of magic. I want a wand! I want to play Quidditch! I want to buy everything the Weasley twins sell in their joke shop!

Mostly.

As cool as these things are, I’m not sure the benefits of being a wizard make up for the downsides. There are some very good reasons I’m glad I’m a muggle:

My Teddy Bear Can’t Turn Into A Giant Tarantula

Remember why Ron was afraid of spiders? Because his brothers turned his teddy bear into a giant spider while he was hugging it. I can’t imagine anything more horrific. I think this would scar me a lot more that just making me afraid of spiders. I think I’d pretty much be terrified of stuffed animals in general, every species of bear known to humans — and, uh, especially sadistic brothers.

I Don’t Have A Slave and My School Doesn’t Have Slaves

The magical world seems awfully blase about the idea of having a slave around the house. I’d like to think I’d be in Hermione’s camp! It would be particularly difficult to go to school in a place where the cooking and cleaning is done by slaves — elf or otherwise.

The Imperius Curse

Can you imagine not knowing whether the mind of your best friend, boss, or spouse has been possessed by your mortal enemy? Could you ever trust anyone again? Give that it’s so incredibly horrible — and given that it happens a fair bit in the books! — the wizarding world doesn’t really have a good way of dealing with this problem. (And I’d add on to this the memory charms. It’s remarkably easy to make people forget their memories, which means you can’t trust your own mind either. Great!)

Earwax Flavored Candy

‘Nuff said.

I Can’t Be Thrown Into Azkaban Without A Trial … Let Alone Evidence

Hagrid was suspected — with no proof! — of opening the Chamber of Secrets and letting out the monster. The first time he was suspected, he was expelled from school, which is bad enough. The second time, though, the Minister of Magic threw him into Azkaban for two months just to be sure it wasn’t him!

Really, Minister? Just because he’s suspected of a crime, you’re going to toss him into a soul-sucking prison that drives its inmates crazy? Does that punishment really fit the crime? In what world can that possibly be all right?

I’ll take my Bill of Rights intact, thank you very much.

The Principal Doesn’t Keep A Three-Headed Guard Dog At School

Perhaps wizarding parents are just more accepting of putting their kids in mortal danger. In the first book, Dumbledore puts a three-headed guard dog a school hallway and then just tells students not to go in. Is he kidding? There wasn’t a better place to put it? Like … oh, anywhere that’s not a school?!

This is also a good place to point out that the Forbidden Forest is on school grounds, which means that there are talking killer spiders on school grounds. That’s basically like having a corner of the playground filled with land mines.

There’s also a giant racist killer basilisk in the school basement, just for good measure. I suppose if it weren’t there, though, you’d just be worried about the poltergeist in the hallway, so maybe it’s there for putting things in perspective.

So, yes. Spare me the basilisks and the awful candy and the jinx that makes me dance. I’m happy to stay a Muggle … although I still wouldn’t mind a game of Quidditch now and then.

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All About Sleestaks!

Posted on 31 May 2009

Tags: Humor, Land of the Lost, Movies, Sid and Marty Kroft, TV

Sleestak are, of course, the curiously slow-moving reptilian humanoid inhabitants of the lost dimension where Rick Marshall and his children Will and Holly found themselves trapped in the 1970s Saturday morning children’s show Land of the Lost (now adapted as a feature film starring Will Farrell, opening this Friday).

But who are they? Where did they come from?

The Sleekstak actually descended from a much more advanced race, the Altrusians, who were also trapped in the Land of the Lost, but whose civilization fell a millennium prior to the Marshall’s arrival. The Altrusians built the Lost City, the vast complex of surprisingly similar-looking underground tunnels in which the Sleestak now reside. The Altrusians looked similar to Sleestak, except they were yellow, not green, and possessed an extra finger on each hand; the Altrusians also wore clothing.

Two different theories exist to explain the transformation of the thoughtful, if emotionless Altrusians into the evil, unspeaking Sleestak:

According to Enik, a time-traveling survivor of the Altrusian civilization, the species fell due to their inability to contain their hate and anger.

But according to Land of the Lost’s resident know-it-all Rick Marshall, it wasn’t the Altrusian’s hate and anger that led to their turning into Sleestak, but rather their absence of compassion.

See? Two completely different theories.

The Sleestak enjoy sacrificing the Land of the Lost’s semi-frequent human visitors to their mysterious god, a beast of some sort that lives in a pit filled with what looks to be dry ice. But the Sleestak are not mere animals themselves; they have a system of government that includes both a Sleestak council and an overall leader — which is pretty impressive given not just that they are incapable of speech, but that they seem to have difficulty even moving their mouths.

Sleestak also wield crude weapons such as nets and crossbows, though their aim usually leaves something seriously to be desired.

According to the Library of Skulls, a collection of talking part-Atrusian heads located in the Lost City, the Sleestak currently number about 7000, though they are rarely seen in numbers greater than three. Explanations vary as to why this is, though one outlandish theory posits that the Sleestak are actually human actors in costumes, and only three such costumes existed at the time the television series was filmed.

While Sleestak are a violent, angry race, they are, in many ways, as much victims of the Land of the Lost as are its human visitors. For example, they aren’t just nocturnal; they seem to be caused physical pain by the harsh Land of the Lost sun and rarely, if ever, venture beyond the chasm that separates the Lost City from the rest of the Land.

How a colony of 7000 subsists in an underground cavern with no obvious food source is unknown, but it’s possible that Sleestak eat rocks.

There is no explanation as to why the Sleestak are so curiously slow-moving, capable of being out-run even by a young girl, although a combination of an inner ear imbalance and a species-wide prevalence of early-onset osteoporosis is thought to be one explanation.

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Which Pevensie Are You?

Posted on 08 May 2009

Tags: Books/Comics, Humor, Movies, The Chronicles of Narnia

Curious about the quiz’s other answers?

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SEEKER Recap (1-16): “Darken Rahl Never Told You About Your Grandfather…”

Posted on 22 March 2009

Tags: Humor, Legend of the Seeker, Recaps, Reviews, TV

So Darken Rahl has finally located the third box — hidden in the Plains of Marrah. Incidentally, I love made-up fantasy history, like how the plains have stayed green for thousands of years, because the grass grows in the “bones and blood of the wizards” massacred in a battle.

In short, wizards apparently make terrific fertilizer.

Soldiers are sent into the field to find the box, but they’re clearly not happy about it. It seems as if they have two complaints: (1) no metal detectors, and (2) magic that burns them into toasted marshmallows.

I think the soldiers have a point.

Richard and Kahlan are practicing their “sword-fighting” in the woods, but it’s soooooo subliminated sex. Great scene!

Hey, Zeddicus is back! And he has a plan: he’s hidden the box in the Plains of Marrah, protected by all that magic, so Darken Rahl will eventully have to go after the box himself, and then they can kill him. Clever!

Meanwhile, Rahl is torturing a woman who looks — and dresses — a little like Callisto from Xena. He’s punishing her, but it’s really just more sublimated sex.

Darken Rahl has a plan that thwarts Zeddicus’ plan: he’s going to send Callisto, who is apparently a bad-ass, in to get the box.

And so off she goes, but not before changing into an extremely sexy leather outfit. Wow, what a sexy ep this is!

Callisto goes to see a girl named Jensen, upon whom “magic has no effect whatsoever.” She can go into the field without being zapped by the magic fire. Cleverly, Callisto kidnaps her mother in order to force her to retrieve the box. Jensen is reluctant, but Callisto gives her the ol’ “Obi Wan never told you about your father…”

Jensen is torn. After all, Obi Wan — er, her mother — never did tell her about her father. Plus, Callisto is dressed in that really, really cool leather outfit — dominatrix chic.

“You’ve seen what a monster this woman says,” Jensen’s mother says. “How can you believe one word she says?”

“I don’t know who the monster is!” Jensen says.

Ah, teenagers! Gotta love em.

No, wait, it’s all a rouse so Jensen can steal the box and throw it away. Excellent! Great plot twist!

Callisto, needless to say, is not happy. As punishment, she tasers Jensen’s mother.

Richard and Kahlan attack, and it’s not sublimated sex this time. Well, okay, maybe there’s a little flirty fight-play between Richard and Callisto (and between Kahlan and Callisto! Frankly, in that leather outfit, Callisto could be scooping dog-poop and it would be sexy).

Callisto goes riding off, dragging Jensen’s mother behind her horse.

“We have to help my mother!” Jensen said.

“And we will!” Richard says. “Just as soon as we get the box as far away from her as we can.”

And I’m thinking, “Dude, her mother’s being dragged behind a horse. How much time do you think you have?”

Jensen still wants to go after her, and Kahlan plays the “Seeker” card. “He’s the Seeker!” she says, as if it explains everything, which I guess it does.

But then Jensen plays a card of her own. “If you’re the Seeker, then that woman she’s torturing is your mother too.”

Ooooooo! It’s Richard’s real mother! Another great twist! So far, I’m loving this episode.

A messenger arrives, right on cure: “Bring the box to Darken Rahl, or she dies.”

Zeddicus is all, “It doesn’t matter if she’ll die, we have to go.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Richard says. “She’s not your mother.”

“No,” Zeddicus says. “She’s my daughter.”

OMG, Zeddicus is Richard’s grandfather! I’m loving all the plot twists in this episode! He was afraid that someday Richard would have to choose between the mission and family, so he didn’t tell him. And Kahlan knew! I love it, I love it!

Richard wants to give the box back to Callisto in exchange for his mother.

“If you let Rahl get the box, then your mother’s sacrifice will be for nothing,” Zeddicus says.

“How are you going to stop me?” Richard says defiantly. I’m not sure he gets the whole “Seeker” ultimate-responsibility thing. Was Buffy ever this self-centered?

Zeddicus warns that the power of the three boxes together can corrupt anyone, like the One Ring.

Speak of ultimate power, did I mention how great Callisto looks in that leather outfit?

When Richard still refuses to listen to Zeddicus, the wizard uses a “web” spell to stop him, but Jensen breaks it with her anti-magic ability.

Duh. As long as she is with him, even Zeddicus can’t stop him. Nicely set-up.

Richard makes a pretty clever deal with Callisto: he’ll give her the third box once she helps them steal the other two from Rahl. If they don’t return with the third box, Callisto will kill Jensen and Richard’s mother.

Interestingly, Zeddicus is still against the plan, even if it means his daughter dies. What is he, Spock in Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn? “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”

Jensen, with her anti-magic ability, must go into the castle alone; only she will avoid setting off the magical traps (and apparently Rahl doesn’t bother with a home-protection system, not to mention locks on any of the doors).

“But beware!” Callisto warns. “Even if you get in where the boxes are, Darken Rahl has uncanny ability to sense when things are awry.” Sort of like my cat, I guess, except that when my cat freaks out, it’s for no reason whatsoever. Cat-like senses, my ass.

Fantastic, wonderfully suspenseful scene as Jensen steals into the castle to steal the boxes!

The plan works, but Callisto betrays them. She wants the boxes, and the power they grant, for herself — naturally! Totally should have seen that coming.

But Richard and Zeddicus trick her. Richard joins the three boxes and takes the power for himself. But hold the phone! Earlier, Zeddicus had warned that anyone trying to use the power would have a “One Ring” moment, and be totally tempted by the power of ultimate power.

The power works, and Richard is able to command everyone, and they must submit to his will. It’s just like Oprah.

Richard commands that Callisto revive their mother, but she can’t! She lied! She never meant to honor the bargain! Another great twist — perfectly logical in retrospect!

He commands Kahlan to kill Callisto — slowly and painful. He commands the soldiers to kill each other.

“Richard, no,” Zeddicus says.

“Don’t you see what happens now?” Richard says. “I punish the guilty! I liberate the Midlands! I’ve won.”

And yeah, he does sound an awful lot like Darken Rahl, doesn’t he? In other words, the power of the box is making Richard have a Galadriel-as-beautiful-but-evil-queen moment.

Jensen, being the smart gal that she is, realizes something isn’t right. She breaks the boxes apart, nullifying the spell.

Callisto asks to be finished off, so Darken Rahl won’t be able to punish her. But Richard refuses.

“Leaving me to Darken Rahl is worse than killing me,” she pleads.

“Then I suggest you run,” he says, and I think there’s a little hint there that Richard has lost a little bit more of his innocence, because he seems to be enjoying her misery.

Two of the boxes will remain with Jensen. Since she will inhibit their magic ability, Rahl won’t be able to find them. Good plan!

They all mourn the death of their mother.

Back at the castle, Rahl is not happy. “The people will feel my wrath,” he says, “one village at a time!”

And sure enough, Richard admits that he enjoyed the feelings of vengeance that he felt while he had the power of the boxes.

The moral of this episode? Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and the power of a skin-tight leather suit on certain bodies is probably the most ultimate power of all.

The Bottom Line: An excellent episode, the best I’ve seen so far! I loved the plot-twists, and the darkening of Richard’s character. Mostly, I loved how every set-up had a satisfying, often unexpected pay-off, and the writer didn’t rely on convenient plot contrivances.

Four and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

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