Two weeks ago, director Guillermo del Toro took the geek world by surprise by announcing that he was withdrawing from directing duties for the upcoming two-part movie version of The Hobbit. He later gave his reasons, but the Poison Pen was suspicious, so we did a little investigative work. Here is more or less how the whole thing REALLY went down:

Guillermo Del Toro

• Joining the project in 2008, Del Toro is soon frustrated — specifically, the fact that he keeps being mistaken for a hobbit. And not just any hobbit: a Sackville-Baggins.

• In April of 2009, del Toro turns in his script treatment. Because del Toro suffers from phobias, Peter Jackson is shocked to find that he has made a substantial number of revisions to the story: the elimination of all spiders (because of del Toro’s arachnophobia); moving Bilbo’s encounter with Gollum under the Misty Mountains to an open field at noon (because of del Toro’s fear of the dark and closed spaces); and his turning the character of Bilbo into a Carrie Bradshaw-like shoe-hound (because of del Toro’s paralyzing fear of hairy toes).

• In April of 2009, del Toro insists in a memo to the producers that there is no room in his vision of the story for Smaug. 

• In June of 2009, concerned that del Toro’s vision of the movie is shaping up to be an utter disaster, the producers interview Chris Columbus as a possible replacement director. After actually watching Columbus’s movies, however, they decide they are still better off with del Toro.

• In September of 2009, much to the horror of the Tolkien estate, del Toro inks a product placement deal with Gillette that involves Gandalf being clean-shaven.

• In October of 2009, del Toro and co-screenwriter Fran Walsh come to blows over del Toro’s “great” idea for a “twist” ending: Bilbo comes upon a ruined Statue of Liberty, proving that Middle Earth was “earth” all along.

• In November of 2009, del Toro begins frothing at the mouth during a development meeting and must be involuntarily committed to an insane asylum for seven days. Chris Columbus once again offers his services as a replacement director, but the producers decide they’re still better off with del Toro.

• The big conflict of December 2009 involves five simple words: Taylor Lautner as Thorin Oakenshield.

• In January 2010, del Toro announces another product-placement deal that involves an iPad for Bard the Bowman.

STILL better than Chris Columbus

• In February 2010, del Toro and Gollum actor Andy Serkis come to blows over the fact the del Toro wants to replace the famous “riddle battle” sequence with a scene where Bilbo gives Gollum a “make-over,” and the montage includes a guest appearance by Liza Minnelli singing a pre-Sex and the City 2 version of  “Single Ladies (Put a One Ring on It).”

• In March 2010, in a fit of pique, del Toro opens fire in the New Zealand office of New Line Studios, killing six people, including co-screenwriter Phillipa Boyens. The producers are convinced they’re still better off with him as director than Chris Columbus.

• In June 2010, furious that Peter Jackson has shot down his latest idea for a Battle of the Five Armies “interpretive dance” sequence, del Toro sets fire to himself and dies. Jackson ghost-writes del Toro’s heartfelt resignation letter on TheOneRing.net.

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Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

What happened to the kids from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in the forty-some years since the book was published? The Poison Pen decided to find out!

• Despite some news reports to the contrary, Veruca Salt, after being thrown down the “bad nut” chute by squirrels, was, in fact, killed in the Chocolate Factory incinerator — a scandal that resulted in Willy Wonka’s eventual conviction for manslaughter and 26-year prison sentence (where, for a time, he famously shared a cell with Jack Kevorkian).

• Violet Beauregarde turned to a career in acting, but struggled for years to find roles due mostly to the fact that her skin was blue. But she has recently seen her fortunes turn with her role as Mo’at, the only non-CGI-created Na’vi character in Avatar, and a prominent role in the upcoming Smurfs movie.

• After being stretched by the Gum Stretcher, Mike Teevee ended up 8′9″ tall and, as Willy Wonky predicted, was heavily recruited by college basketball teams, though Teevee turned them all down, instead devoting his life to researching the “human teleportation” technology he had inadvertently pioneered with Willy Wonka’s “Chocolate Television” invention. Alas, a mishap in the lab led to his exchanging his DNA with that of a fly, and Teevee, horrified that he was now half-fly, ended up squishing himself under a hydraulic press. The resulting corpse ended up a record 18′4″ tall.

• Inspired by Wilson Phillips singer Carnie Wilson’s success with gastric bypass surgery, Augustus Gloop opted for the surgery too, though, like Carnie, he continued to struggle with food. Still, sensing a kindred soul, Carnie invited Augustus to join Wilson Phillips, and the group toured briefly under the name Wilson Phillips Gloop, but Augustus was later booted from the band when he ate their grand piano.
  

• And Charlie Bucket has perhaps the saddest post-Chocolate Factory story. Inheriting the Wonka chocolate factory from Willy Wonka, he quickly drove it into ruin with poor business choices: flaming lollipops and “chocolate doggy-doo-doos” were notorious disasters, but Bucket did have some minor success with a line of edible Jockey shorts. Working conditions at the Wonka Factory got so bad that at one point the Oompa Loompas rioted, provoking a response that turned violent and left six Loompas dead; Bucket remained alive only as a result of an escape via the Great Glass Elevator. Determined to leave his notoriety behind, Bucket later changed his name and did find some initial success in the business realm, though that too eventually unraveled in spectacular fashion. Unknown to many, his new name was Bernie Madoff.

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With the Clash of the Titans remake opening this Thursday and a plethora of other movies based on Greek myths already on the horizon, Hollywood executives are already looking for the next movie trend after this one.

Looks like they’ve found it: movies based on Aesop’s Fables.

First up is this summer’s The Boy Who Cried Wolf, based on Aesop’s fable of the same name, starring Shia LaBeouf as the unnamed boy.

As in the fable, a shepherd warns his pre-agrarian village repeatedly of fictitious wolves. But when a pack of 60 vicious dire wolves comes to attack, the village has learned not to respond to his calls, so it’s up to the boy to single-handedly defeat them all, in this CGI-heavy actioner inspired by the movie 300.

The Aesop fable The Fox and the Grapes is about a thirsty fox who cannot reach of bunch of grapes, so he walks away, telling himself that they’re probably sour. The moral of the story is, “It’s easy to despise what you cannot get.”

In Sour Grapes, a movie version “inspired” by the fable coming this fall, a woman (Angelina Jolie) watches her son die after eating an unwashed grape. Eventually, she discovers an evil plot in which the owners of the world’s vineyards are overusing pesticides and embarks on a bloody vendetta to kill them all.

Aesop generally included a moral at the end of each of his fables, although none of the announced movie versions seem to be emphasizing that aspect. In some cases, the stories seem to directly contradict Aesop’s original morals.

Case-in-point is the live-action movie based on the Aesop fable The Ant and the Grasshopper.

In the original fable, the ant works all summer long storing food while the grasshopper sings and plays. When winter comes and the grasshopper is starving, the ant points out the value in planning for the future.

Ant/Grasshopper, scheduled for early 2011, begins similarly, with John “Ant” Cooper (Hugh Jackman) and Elwood Grasshopper (Johnny Depp) overseeing two outposts in a harsh post-apocalyptic America.

But when winter comes and Grasshopper’s tribe begins to stave, the movie descends into a vicious battle of the wills between the two outposts.

While fables such as Aesop’s would seem to lend themselves perfectly to animated projects, the only such movie currently in the works is Dreamworks Animation’s The Tortoise and the Hare and Shrek, in which a hip, irreverent Hare (Jack Black) teams up with the lovable ogre in order to defeat the evil scourge of national health care in the kingdom of Duloc.

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For centuries, scholars and philosophers have been deconstructing old Bill Shakespeare’s “to be or not to be” soliloquy from Hamlet, trying to decide if it is better to exist in this crazy world, or to, you know, not.

To me, it’s always seemed like such a superfluous debate when there are more important philosophical quandaries to ponder. For example: to have or not to have superpowers, that is the question.

Your immediate response is: Yes! Give me superpowers! But you need to pause and remember that with great power comes great responsibility. And you also need to think about what you’d do if you were gifted with a lame power.

Before you get in line for your superpower, consider these nine lamest superpowers ever.

The power to control plants — Yes, this would be a helpful power if you were a vegetarian, or if you fought crime on, say, a farm. Poison Ivy makes it work for her, but in the real world, would it actually be useful in any kind of urban setting? I don’t think so. Poison Ivy just got lucky because there were always plants hanging over her prison cell doors.

The power to be bossed around by a bee — Ah, Red Bee. Not only does he have the most unfortunate costume in the history of the superhero canon; his greatest asset is that he keeps a bee named Michael inside his belt buckle. That’s his power! Michael the Bee gives him advice! (Boy bees can’t even sting!)

The power of hydration — Having a lame superpower if bad enough, but what if you had a twin who had an awesome superpower? That’s poor Zan from The Wonder Twins. His sister, Jayna, can become any animal. And Zan can transform into ice. Or steam. Or, you know, a whirlpool.

The power of pyrotechnics — There are probably some advantages to being able to generate fireworks from plasma, but saving the world isn’t one of them. I guess that’s why Jubliee spent all her time at Hollywood Mall, and I guess that’s why she never could adjust to the international crime-fighting life with Wolverine. She’s just living in a material world, and she is a material girl — who will fire a roman candle at you if you piss her off.

The power to munch matter — Matter-eater Lad does exactly what his name suggests: the dude eats matter. In fact, everyone from his home planet evolved into matter-eaters because their food somehow became inedible over time. What good is eating matter? Well, not much. Unless you to get eat through a fence. But you’ve got nothing to protect you once you get inside. Or outside, depending on where you started.

The power of being truly outrageous (truly, truly, truly outrageous) — When Jem came on the scene 20 years ago, morphing into a rock star was admittedly a lot less lame than it is today. They’re called “Power Ballads” for a reason. These days, though, if you pressed your earring and turned into a long-legged, pink-haired crooner, people would just point you toward the nearest American Idol audition. There’s no power when you’re trapped in the machine.

The power of heart — Poor Mati. First of all, he served Captain Planet, an ineffectual hero who was weakened by acid rain and pollution. And second of all, while his buddies controlled earth! And fire! And wind! And water! Mati controlled cuddles. Yeah, Mati manipulates animals, but so could every one of those other elements, and they had awesomeness leftover to spare.

The power of the mermaid — Aquaman is lame, but Aqualad is even lamer. He’s like the pint-sized version of the guy whose powers are basically restricted to combat that happens in the sea. How many criminals do you know who try to escape in a lake? Or a pool? Or the ocean? “Hang on, how about we take this fight underwater?” Oh, little merman.

The power to stretch — Plenty of heroes have the super-stretch ability, but the most famous is probably Mr. Fantastic. (You may remember the Fantastic Four movies? Also known as 90-minute Mountain Dew commercials?) Stretching isn’t ineffective, but it’s pretty boring. And you’re only the set-up guy. You do the tripping, everyone else does the fighting and capturing.

What’s your opinion on the lamest superpower?

I’d like to think my good friend Joe Grunenwald for his help assembling this list. Among other things, he let me know that I wanted Jubliee for my list and not Dazzler, because “If a tree falls in the woods, and no one’s around to hear it, Dazzler could still kick your ass.”

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If there’s one thing the Bible and Hollywood agree on it’s that there’s nothing new under the sun. We are living in an age of remakes, reboots, remakes of reboots and prequels of reboots of remakes. Studio execs are willing to pillage and plunder even your most sacred childhood memories to turn a buck — and last year, Seth Grahame-Smith proved that beloved classic literature isn’t safe either.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was a bit of a joke when Quirk Books announced their plan to publish it, but since then, the classic-lit-meets-monsters genre has exploded. Quirk has already published Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, and this year they plan to release Android Karenina and a P&P prequel called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls

In fact, the Dawn of the Dreadfuls teaser trailer dropped this morning and it’s better than any movie trailer I’ve seen in a long, long time. (It’s also kind of gory, so beware!)

Still, if this new classic/monster mash-up genre is going to flourish, we here at TheTorchOnline.com have a few more suggestions:

Love in the time of the Loch Ness Monster — Fermina Daza has fallen in love with a young brigand named Florentino Ariza. He returns her affections, and one fateful afternoon he takes her down to Loch Ness for a picnic — and the chance to show her his monster! (No, not that monster; an actual monster!)

Fermina realizes that Florentino and his rabble rousing ways are incompatible with the life she’s promised herself, so she marries Dr. Juvenal Urbino. He’s a good man, and he loves her, but his mission in life is to eradicate the myth of the monster of Loch Ness — or to find and destroy the monster! Fermina is in turmoil because the monster is gentle, and her heart will always belong to Florentino. Will she trade the life she’s always wanted for a chance to love and protect a beast?

[Note: It might be necessary to change the Latin names to something more traditionally Scottish. You don't want to take the reader out of the story with anything silly.]

The Werewolves of Wrath — Tom Joad is on his way home from prison when he meets his former preacher Jim Casey. Jim looks worn down and ragged, but who doesn’t? This is the Great Depression. Tom doesn’t realize that the day he meets Jim is the day after a Full Moon. Jim packs his family up and they head out to Oklahoma, in the hope of finding land and jobs and, you know, food. He’s happy to give Jim a ride with them on ol’ Route 66.

The journey is more treacherous than Oregon Trail (the game), because those settlers only had to fight against fires and thieves and dysentery and snake bites. Grandma and Grandpa die. Noah and Connie disappear. Is the Great Depression the culprit or is something more sinister afoot? And what’s that howling in the night? Always with the howling!

Anne of Gnome Gables — Ginger-haired orphan Anne has a big heart and an even bigger imagination and an even bigger mouth. When the Cuthberts take her in, she’s just hoping to find a home. What she finds is that Prince Edward Island is full of gnomes! Marilla doesn’t believe her, of course, because Anne is notoriously making crap up.

Anne recruits her bosom buddy Diana and they discover that the gnomes are planning to take over the island. Can Anne and Diana recruit enough followers from their school to fight back? Can Gilbert Blythe stop staring at Anne’s rack long enough to help? Can Anne ever admit that her feelings for Diana are much deeper than just friendship? [Product placement opportunity: Travelocity.]

Other ideas include: Little Fairy Women, Brideshead Revisited by Yeti, Hippogriff Catcher in the Rye and The French Lieutenant and His Banshee.

And if that last one ever makes it to film, I really would like to see Meryl Streep reprise her role, playing a screaming woodland creature this time around.

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Wherever there’s fandom chatter, people always want to talk about which fantasy series is better: Harry Potter or Twilight. (Answer: Potter, obviously.) But one thing no one ever talks about is how much harder it is to be a Harry Potter fan, especially when it comes to the films. While New Line is cranking out a fresh Twilight movie every six weeks, Potter fans are forced to survive on a diet of sparsely-served set photos for months (or even years!) at a time.

So, what’s a Potter fan to do as we wait for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1? Well, you could always reread the books for the tenth time. Or, you could apply for a job as a fry cook at soon-to-open Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Or, you could fashion yourself some Potter-themed games to pass the days until December 8th. Here are our suggestions:

Hogwarts-opoly — Turn any Monopoly board into a race to buy up properties in Diagon Alley! Steer clear of Azkaban, and don’t forget to pass Gringotts and collect your 19 Galleons, 14 Sickles and 18 Knuts!

Harry Potter Clue — Maybe you only thought you knew who did it. Was it Voldemort in Godric’s Hollow with the Horcrux? Was it really? Maybe it was Malfoy in the Whomping Willow with the Sword of Griyffindor (as if he could pull that from the Sorting Hat!). Or Hermione in The Leaky Cauldron with the Elder Wand. So many possibilities. (And think of the cross-over fan fic: Malfoy/Miss Scarlet anyone?)

Connect Gryffindor — A Neville-Hermione-Dumbledore-Lavender is  just as good as a Dean-Hagrid-Ginny-McGonagall! Just work your way around those pesky Slytherins. You should be an old pro at that by now!

Do you have any other ideas for ways to pass the time until Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?

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So you think you’re being sooooo clever by going to your Halloween party dressed as Treebeard with a cardboard trunk or the White Witch with a crown made of actual ice.

Trust me, you’re not.

By contrast, here are some fantasy-themed Halloween costumes you should definitely consider:

• Andy Sirkis in his “green-screen” Gollum suit.

• Shrek’s Lord Farquaad — but doing it on your knees has been done. Consider cutting your legs 0ff.

• Baby Gandalf.

• When it comes to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Willow Rosenberg, everyone rushes straight for Vamp Willow or Angry-at-Tara’s-Death-Evil Willow. We say shake it up and go for boring, first season Plaid Willow.

• David Naughton or Russell Tovey, post-werewolf transformation. (Basically, this means going to the party naked.)

• Galadriel’s depressive, low self-esteemed sister, Sadriel.

• Not Blacula, but Latino-la.
  

• Harry Potter in his “invisibility cloak.” Yes, this means you don’t really have to go to the Halloween party at all.

• Tim Burton. N’uff said.

• A Senior Citizen of the Corn.

• Leia in the metal bikini has been done, so if you’re looking for sexy, why not consider the woman with three boobs in Jabba’s palace?

• A ghost using a bedsheet with two holes cut of it. (Hey, it’s ironic!)

• Lembas.

• Raquel Welch wrapped up in antibodies in Fantastic Voyage.

• Sam or Dean Winchester. (Hey, if you look like Jensen Ackles or Jared Padalecki, you don’t need a costume!)

• Baby Dumbledore.

• A gelatinous cube.

• Selene from Underworld after she’s run out of baby powder (chafing galore!).

• Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in Alien. But this is actually a difficult look to pull off. It requires buying panties eight sizes too small — and then drying them in really high heat until they shrink four more sizes.

• Upon further reflection, we’ve decided that going to a Halloween party as the White Witch with a crown made of actual ice is pretty cool after all. But may we suggest to bring a spare crown — and be prepared to get wet?

It’s that time of year again! That freaky-deaky week leading up to the holiday that fantasy fans, horror geeks, and scifi nerds alike all treasure above all the rest: Halloween. If I could pull it off, I’d go “Holla!” But I can’t.

So in lieu of awesome slang, I’ll instead give you a little treat for your pumpkin-shaped candy vessel instead — ten of the most awesome Jack-O-Lanterns to be found in that screwy mess of a place we call the internet. So take a break from frantically sewing your Dumbledore costume and enjoy the pumpkins!

First up is a batch for all you Star Wars junkies out there:

This one just freaks me out:

Artistic AND evil:

Some gamer awesomeness:

Hated the movie, love the pumpkin:

A possible homage to Goonies:

Disturbing and funny at the same time:

VERY clever use of the stem, which is usually ignored:

And, okay, I lied. There aren’t ten here — there are eleven. Because when I saw this pumpkin I just about fell in love…

Happy Halloween! And if you have a picture of your own awesome pumpkin, give us a link in the comments!

Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Everyone’s favorite Xena villain, Callisto, has, like a certain former vice-presidential candidate, “gone rogue”! In the course of one week, she’s been the subject of an internet sex tape, admitted to using crack with Bobby Brown, attempted to blackmail David Letterman, flashed her unspeakables while getting out of a limousine, and boorishly interrupted Taylor Swift while she accepted another award. I guess even Callisto’s decided that she’s far more interesting when she’s being bad!

Sadly, there is discord in the castle of Ariel and Prince Eric — and no, I’m not going to make some snide comment about the former mermaid being anatomically incorrect! Seems that the problem is as simple as seafood: Prince Eric loves it, but Ariel has put her fin down. And why not? At least half the time, “dinner” ended up being one of her close friends!

Speaking of Disney Princesses, word is that Mulan may not officially be one for much longer. “She’s not a f*****g princess!” says Snow White, who claims to speak for the other eight Disney Princesses who all want to see Mulan de-princessed ASAP. “Look, we accepted Belle as a ‘princess,’ when all she did was marry a prince. And this isn’t a racial thing, because we accepted Princess Tiana and even Pocahontas, despite the fact that it was clear that her Native American social milieu had no system of ‘royalty’ as we know it. But Mulan? Her parents aren’t royalty!” I spoke to Mulan about the brouhaha, who said this with a sigh: “It’s true. They are all such princesses.”

Let’s face it: there’s nothing I can say about Cersei Lannister and her twin brother/lover Jaime Lannister that is any juicier than what everyone already knows. Oh, what’s a gossip-monger to do?!

Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain “dark lord” who desperately desires an item that could utterly destroy him — except the insignificant nobody who possesses it doesn’t know how to use it! Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it?

First, there was all that bad blood between New Line Studios and Peter Jackson over profits from the Lord of the Rings movies. Then there was a lawsuit from the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien where they threatened to shut down the entire production of the movie version of The Hobbit. Now MGM is suddenly on the verge of bankruptcy, jeopardizing the production all over again.

Is The Hobbit cursed or what? Will this movie ever see the light of day?

Industry observers say it’ll all work out in the end — that there’s way too much money at stake for the movie to not get made.

I’m not so sure. Here are my predictions for what can — and almost certainly will — jeopardize The Hobbit next:

• A man who went to kindergarten with Tolkien will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming the Lord of the Rings author plagiarized his books from the man’s contributions to “storytime.”

• Andy Serkis will insist on playing the part of Gollum with the voice of Donald Duck.

• Swine flu will take out the entire New Line staff.

• Guillermo Del Toro, Peter Jackson, and Fran Walsh will become involved in a complicated love triangle which results in none of them speaking.

• Olaf Engelstad, a man of Norwegian descent, will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming his ancestors invented the concept of the “elf.”

• Director Guillermo Del Toro will be replaced by Eli Roth.

• Locusts will descend on New Zealand.

• The trend of big-budget special effects extravaganzas will come to an abrupt end as Americans suddenly develop an insatiable yearning for non-linear foreign film (without subtitles).

• The descendants of Eadweard Muybrid will sue the producers for a share of the profits, reminding them that Muybrid was the inventor of “film.”

• Peter Jackson will reveal that he’s become Amish and insist that no technology whatsoever be used in the making of the movie.

• The part of Bilbo will be played by Sofia Coppola.

• Unable to vanquish the locusts, New Zealand will also fall into eternal darkness.

• Ian McKellen will develop massive boils.

• Eli Roth will replaced by Rob Zombie.

• Actual Ents will be discovered in the Redwood forests of California, right before they go on a rampage, destroying Los Angeles.

• Still consumed by locusts and darkness, New Zealand will sink into the ocean.

• CGI green-screen technology will become impossible when God unexpectedly eliminates the color “green.”

• A meteor will crash into the planet, eliminating all life on Earth.

Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Just because a woman is powerful, that doesn’t mean she’s evil! So says a new group of witches, stepmothers, and queens who have banded together to protest the results of a new study that shows that fantasy tends to portray women with power as, well, evil.

“It’s pure stereotypes and prejudice!” said Maleficent yesterday at a press conference in New York where she was joined by The White Which, The Wicked Witch of the West, four Wicked Stepmothers, and The Queen (from Snow White).

The woman have formed a new group called Persons Organizing In Support of New Approaches for Labeling Evil, or P.O.I.S.O.N. A.P.P.L.E.

Unfortunately, the group probably didn’t do their cause much good since, in response to the first question, they cast a group spell turning all the reporters into maggots, then immediately went to the elementary school across the street and cooked and ate all the children.

In other news, contrary to what many other media outlets have reported, it is apparently not true that the dish ran away with the spoon.

“No, I’m still happily coupled with the garlic-press,” says the dish in an exclusive interview with The Poison Pen. “Interestingly, the spoon and I did date very briefly years ago, but there was absolutely no chemistry. At the end of the day, all he was interested in was — yup — spooning.”

In other “Hey, Diddle, Diddle!”-related news, it’s also not true that the cow jumped over the moon. The cow was mooned — by a group that included both the fiddling cat and laughing dog.

In Narnia news, a judge has thrown out Edward Pevensie’s case against his brother, Peter. Edward’s lawyer had argued that Peter’s elevation to “High King” was unfair, based solely on Peter being the older brother, and violated his rights to equal protection. The judge ruled that Edward’s case had no merit because Narnia has no constitution and no law, and is instead ruled by “the capricious whims of Aslan whenever he happens to grace us with his presence.”

And finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain elven queen who got tired of staring at those crow’s feet in her glimmering pool of water. Word is, her surgeon was a real magician — or is it that her magician was a real surgeon? — and she looks at least 500 years younger!