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Q: Does Satan exist in the Dungeons & Dragons universe, or is there just Asmodeus? — Robert, Lakewood, CO

The Oracle Speaks:

It’s admittedly confusing. An old article in Dragon Magazine, “The Politics of Hell,” once claimed that Satan founded hell and that Baalzebul (then Baalzebub) vanquished him and was subsequently overthrown by Asmodeus. Satan supposedly lives on, extremely powerful, but exiled and without a base of power.

But like every article in Dragon, this is not canon. The canonical “truth” is recounted in several D&D sources (including The Manuel of the Planes, The Book of Vile Darkness, and The Book of Hell), although accounts vary slightly:

In a nutshell, Asmodeus was a beautiful angel-like servant of the lawful gods of the Upper Planes, created to fight the demons of the Abyss. But his battles began to change him into something resembling the creatures he fought. Fearing what he had become, the gods put Asmodeus on trial, to be thrown out of the upper plains.

Asmodeus fought back, arguing (correctly) that he had never violated any known law. Eventually, Asmodeus got the gods to agree to something called the Pact Primeval, where he and his minions would be allowed to take over an abandoned plane of existence where they could punish those mortals who violated universal law. “Out of sight, out of mind, and no harm, no foul,” thought the lawful gods.

At some point (some say), the gods became angry with Asmodeus — whose true form is reportedly a serpent hundreds of miles long, although no one who reveals that lives longer than a day. The gods cast Asmodeus out of heaven into hell (and he reportedly created the eighth and ninth levels of hell in his fall). Asmodeus sustained deep wounds — wounds that are still healing to this day. But with each drop of blood that falls from his magical veins, a Pit Fiend is formed, viciously evil and fanatically loyal to his master.

And as for the Pact Primeval? Asmodeus had tricked the gods in the fine print of the contract, giving him the right to tempt mortals into evil paths and drawing more and more souls into his newly populated hell — souls which help in his healing and get him closer to giving him the strength he needs to eventually take over the universe.

In short, in the canonical D&D universe, Asmodeus is basically “Satan,” who does not exist. And like Satan, he is responsible for much evil.

Q: Gremlins was easily one of the dumbest movies of the 1980s, which is saying something — you can’t get them wet? Really? So … I can only assume a remake is in the works. True? — MatterOfFact, Carson City, NV

The Oracle Speaks:

Sadly, yes, and although it’s still early in the movie’s development, the plan is for it to be in 3D.

In doing so, they producers will be furthering two of the worst, most infuriating trends in today’s Hollywood: the explosion of more expensive, headache-inducing 3D projects, and the creativity-destroying over-reliance on sequels and remakes.

God help us all.

Q: So back in 1976, everyone was convinced that Howard the Duck #1 (the comic book) was going to be a collectors’ item. I was too, and bought four copies (at a whopping 25 cents each). I know the 1986 movie was a terrible bomb, but was I right? Am I fabulously wealthy now? — Mike, Chicago, IL

The Oracle Speaks:

The good news is that you made a terrific return on your investment — it’s grown by over 300% a year!

The bad news is that your initial investment was only $1, and since each comic now sells for about $30 (assuming very fine condition), your entire stash is only worth about $120, so you can’t retire just yet.

Why didn’t the comic take off the way it was supposed to? The existential parody tale of a mean-spirited anthropomorphic duck was certainly poised to become a classic — and in a way, it still is.

But speaking of stupid movies of the 1980s: George Lucas’ 1986 movie was a flop of biblical proportions. It didn’t just fail critically and commercially (it grossed $16 million, U.S., on a budget of $35 million), it took an artistic property and completely gutted and skewered it. Misanthropic Howard become a “nice guy,” and the existential elements, and all but the most obvious satirical elements, were stripped completely out, replaced by a stupid, simplistic plot.

The animatronic Howard the Duck puppet, meanwhile, looked absolutely fake and ridiculous.

In short, the movie took something cool and edgy and hip, and turned it into a laughingstock — not the first time Lucas has achieved this particular feat, incidentally.

Howard the Duck wasn’t like Batman or Superman — it wasn’t big or well-known enough on its own to survive the terrible movie version, which became the popular “face” of the character.

And let’s face it: comics are only worth what someone is willing to pay.

Something else to keep in mind: it’s true that everyone did think that Howard the Duck #1 was going to become a collectors’ item — the comic quickly sold out.

But when “everyone” thinks something, it’s a pretty good bet that they’re going to be flat-out wrong.

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