I know, I know. After being very vocal about my disdain for ’80s cartoons being turned into movies here …

… and here …

… and, in comic form, here …

what gives me the gall to go ahead and do a Fantasy Casting piece for the feline superheroes?

As I’ve said before, it’s how we roll at TheTorchOnline.com.

Unpredictable. Sexy. Dangerous.

One thing to keep in mind — the movie will most likely be using the Avatar-like effect of motion capture fed into CG characters, so even if an actor doesn’t look like a character, that doesn’t really matter.. With that said, away we go …

Lion-O — Craig Horner

This wouldn’t have occurred to me last year, but on this season Legend of the Seeker star Craig Horner returned with a shaggy mop of hair, giving him a very leonine (or as one reader hilariously pointed out, llama-ish) appearance. Horner has proven that he can effortlessly play the hero in a high fantasy project, and is adept at swordplay, something to put to use when wielding Lion-O’s Sword of Omens.

Panthro — Taye Diggs

This role should go to a 30-year-old version of Morgan Freeman, but if such an actor exists, he’s not on my radar. Instead, I would hand it to Taye Diggs, the stunningly handsome and versatile actor who got his start on Broadway in RENT and is currently being wasted on Private Practice. Why wasted? Anyone who saw Equilibrium knows Diggs should be a megastar feature film action hero.

Cheetara — Emma Stone

Cheetara was the only adult female Thundercat (until that ho bag Pumira showed up in the second season) and was as nurturing as she was kick-ass. My suggestion would be Emma Stone, who embodied both of those attributes (though the latter way more than the former) in last summer’s hilarious Zombieland. To top it off, check out those beautiful feline eyes! She was born for this role.

Tygra –Shawn Ashmore

Tigra was a more sensitive guy than Lion-O and Panthra, and his “super-power” was the ability to turn invisible. Despite his strength and agility, Tigra was a more cerebral character, and was the inventor of the group. This kind of dichotomy between tough guy and sensitive man can be perfectly played by a guy like Shawn Ashmore, who proved as Iceman he can be a big time superhero without having bodybuilder muscles.

Wiley-Kat — Michael Cera

How do I put this nicely? Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat were, well, irritating in the cartoon, and don’t exactly lend themselves to the big screen. Therefore, they’re going to need a major overhaul for the movie version, and a sense of humor goes a long way. I nominate Michael Cera as the boy, Wiley Kat. Cera is a true master of the awkward teenage persona that brings the funny, and he would rock this part.

Wiley-Kat –Ellen Page

Okay, this may reek of stunt casting. That’s because it is. But I fell in love with Ellen Page and Michael Cera as an on-screen duo when the two starred in Juno, and they have such amazing chemistry they deserve another go around. But instead of churning out another romantic teen comedy, I say go against type and rock the epic CGI high fantasy.

Jaga - Ian McKellen

Jaga was actually a ghost, the spiritual remains of Lion-O’s one-time mentor. A few years ago I would have thought that Ian McKellen, esteemed actor of stage and screen, one of the most lauded thespians of our time, would be way too high-brow for a project like Thundercats. But then I saw his turn as a voice actor for a polar bear in The Golden Compass, and I realized that the man needs to make a paycheck just like the rest of us.

So there you have it! TheTorchOnline.com’s pick for the cast of the upcoming fantasy/scifi/feline blockbuster, Thundercats. One of these days, Hollywood, we’re going to start charging you.

We knew it was inevitable. In the wake of the Clash of the Titans remake, someone was bound to exploit that other Ray Harryhausen Greek myth epic, Jason and the Argonauts. But here’s something interesting: rather than a remake, Jason and the Argonauts: The Kingdom of Hades takes place after the first film, and centers on the Argonaut’s journey back from Colchis to Greece.

Greek myths being the kaleidoscopic sources that they are, it’s impossible at this point to identify exactly which characters will be used in this film, but we can certainly take an educated guess. So with no further ado, we present TheTorchOnline.com’s casting for Jason and the Argonauts: The Kingdom of Hades.

Jason — Jake Gyllenhaal

Jason is one of the most prototypical heroes in Greek mythology, and should be played by a young man who possesses not only matinee idol good looks, but an intense charisma and a strong physicality. Jake Gyllenhaal’s got the goods, and now that he’s headlining Prince of Persia, he’s sending a clear message that just because he’s Oscar-worthy, he’s not too good for a sword-and-sandals genre picture.

Medea — Rosario Dawson

Medea was an amoral sorceress from Colchis, where the Golden Fleece was located. She was an exotic beauty, as Dawson most certainly is, and possessed great magical powers. Though the character goes bat-crap crazy later on in the myth, at this point she is still a very helpful ally to Jason and his crew. Dawson has proven herself a fine young actress, and who wouldn’t love to see her wielding some awesome magic spells, Gandalf-style?

Pelias –Robert Downey Jr.

Pelias is the wicked uncle who usurped the throne of Thessaly from Jason’s father, and urged him to find the Golden Fleece. By all accounts, he is a sneering, manipulative villain, convinced that Jason would never return alive. Now that Robert Downey Jr. has proven he can pretty much play any role imaginable (did you see Tropic Thunder?), wouldn’t it be fantastic to see him play a scenery-chewing villain? And how cool would an epic smackdown between him and Jake Gyllenhaal be?

Theseus — Orlando Bloom

After Hercules, who left the group before they reached the Golden Fleece, the most famous Argonaut is probably Theseus. The young king Theseus was an adventurous hero and notorious ladies’ man, and Orlando Bloom would fit neatly into this supporting role. Having proven time and again that he works best in fantasy films (and not that well in more mainstream fare), it would be nice to see him return to his roots and pick up a bow and arrows. Plus he has a huge debt to pay to all the Greek myth fans for the tepid Troy.

Atalanta — Emily Blunt

Though in many versions of the myth, Atalanta was banned from being an Argonaut due to her gender, there do exist some traditions where she sailed off with Jason, and in this age of cinematic female action heroes, it stands to reason she will be included. The gorgeous Emily Blunt almost got her shot at an action hero role when her name was tossed around to play the Black Widow, so how about giving her another chance as one of the first recorded tomboys in history?

Zeus — Brian Cox

Though I hate to use him again so soon after casting him as Thorin Oakenshield, when I picture Zeus in my head, he appears very much like Brian Cox, a burly, imposing old British man with a fiery temper and a Shakespearean voice. And wouldn’t it be awesome to see him hurling thunderbolts?

Hera — Lindsay Duncan

The beautiful Lindsay Duncan proved that she could be both soft and feminine as well as vengeful and cruel in HBO’s Rome. This description certainly fits the goddess Hera, who, like many deities, has a tendency to change her personality depending on the needs of the myth in which she’s involved. Though the main antagonist in the life of another hero, Heracles, Jason was fortunate enough to earn the favor of the goddess.

Hades — Viggo Mortensen

Well, his name’s in the title, so it’s a pretty good bet that the King of the Underworld will feature somewhere into the story. But rather than portray Hades as a mustache-twirling baddie, how cool would it be to see him as a handsome, seductive god? (Mortensen took a similar approach when he portrayed Lucifer in The Prophecy, and proved to be the only truly memorable part of the entire movie.)

So there you have it: TheTorchOnline.com’s final casting choices for the upcoming Jason and the Argonauts: The Kingdom of Hades. We’ll be expecting our check in the mail any day now.

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Is there another movie franchise that’s the subject of as much speculation as The Hobbit? It seems that every day there’s another rumor about who’s been cast, when the movie’s coming out, what problems are rising up, you name it.

We understand, Peter Jackson. Your job is not easy. And since we here at TheTorchOnline.com are nothing if not selfless, we’re going to do you a big favor.

Just as we did for the upcoming Conan, we’re going to cast your movie for you. (Mostly. We’re only doing one dwarf — Thorin Oakenshield — otherwise we’d be here all day.)

Now, even though there’s a few different versions of whether the roles of Gandalf and Elrond are cast, I think we can pretty much bet that Ian McKellan and Hugo Weaving are going to be donning their wigs once again, so I don’t really see a need to speculate about those roles.

Without further ado, let’s get the biggest one out of the way first.

Bilbo Baggins - Hugh Dancy

I’ll admit to being a little surprised when word came out that Elijah Wood had been cast as Frodo Baggins way back when. Certainly, he was not how I imagined a hobbit to look — too thin, too young, too modern, and quite frankly, too good-looking. Aren’t hobbits supposed to be appear as pudgy, middle-aged men? But then realization set in: if you’re going to hang a billion-dollar movie franchise on a single star, that star is going to inevitably be someone people enjoy looking at. In that vein, I nominate Hugh Dancy. Having seen Dancy perform on screen and on stage in a variety of roles, it’s clear to me his good looks are matched by his incredibly versatile acting ability, and he’s truly a performer capable of breathing life into Bilbo Baggins. (And check out that hair! Hobbit hair! You’ll save on wigs, PJ.)

Thorin Oakenshield - Brian Cox

It seems, ironically, that in order to pull off a true dwarf warrior, you need a giant, strapping man. (See John Rhys-Davies in The Lord of the Rings.) Cox is veteran performer, capable of great onscreen presence, and knows how to work an over-the-top scene like few else, as he did in X2: X-Men United, Troy, Deadwood, etc. Who wouldn’t love to see him strut his stuff as a four-foot-tall warrior?

Bard the Bowman - Stuart Townsend

Okay, I have to admit, I’m not being impartial. Having worked as an actor, I know the sting of almost getting that great role. There are conflicting stories about what exactly happened with LOTR, but what we do know is this: Stuart Townsend had the role of Aragorn, then he lost it. Now, to be fair, he was replaced by Viggo Mortensen, and the world is a better place for it thanks to Viggo’s pitch-perfect Aragorn. But how about we throw Townsend a bone with the smaller, slightly Aragorn-esque role of Bard?

Beorn - Joel Edgerton

The fearsome shape-shifter Beorn could change into a large black bear at will, and aided Bilbo and the party of dwarves, even participating in the Battle of Five Armies. Joel Edgerton, on the other hand, looks like a bear. So there you go.

Thranduil - Luke Goss

When Bilbo and company head into Mirkwood, they are captured by the Elvenking, Thranduil, and thrown in the dungeon. The father of Legolas, Thranduil is seen as a much more imposing figure than Orlando Bloom’s agile elf. And who wasn’t impressed by Luke Goss’s performance as Prince Nuada in Hellboy 2, in which he proved you can be beautiful and repulsive at the same time?

Smaug the Dragon - Bill O’Reilly

Andy Serkis who? If you really want the motion-capture performance of a lifetime, just strap those little ping-pong balls on this dude and put a camera in front of him. You don’t have to give him a script. In fact, you don’t even have to tell him it’s for a movie. Just tell him to do what comes naturally, and watch the wicked, greedy dragon Smaug come to life before your very eyes.

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Savvy film newshounds around the globe got a little treat last week when a casting breakdown for the upcoming Conan the Barbarian reboot hit the interwebs. The character listing gives a lot of information about each character (as well as surprisingly specific ethnic requirements).

Staggeringly, the men span a wide age range while the women are all 18-22. Hmm.

Here at TheTorchOnline.com, we figured we would save the production company some headaches and go ahead and cast the film for them. Here’s who we pick:

Conan - Eric Bana

For the main man himself, you have to be really clever. It would be far too easy to just hand the role to Vin Diesel or Jason Statham, actors who make a living playing action heroes. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the powers that be do end up going with an irony-free muscleman to play the Cimmerian warrior.

But the breakdown also claims that Conan is “very smart,” and neither Diesel nor Statham, god love ‘em, show much of an inner life in their acting. I say give it to someone who has already proven he can play an action hero sensitively. Eric Bana’s portrayal of Hector was the only redeeming factor in Troy, and check out those Conan-like pecs!

Tamara - Freida Pinto

The gorgeous star of Slumdog Millionaire is the right age and the right look to play Conan’s leading lady, a “master of martial arts” who is “not in the least intimidated by Conan’s size or grim demeanor.” We’ve seen her sweet and vulnerable side in Millionaire, so now we’re ready to see her kick ass. Can’t you picture a hot and heavy fight scene between her and Bana?

Khalar Singh - Arnold Vosloo

The villain of the piece, Khalar Singh, needs to be played by a great, scenery-chewing character actor if the movie is to be any fun at all. And who better than Imhotep himself, Arnold Vosloo, who proved with the first two Mummy films that he knew how to play the insane villain so that we loved watching him, all charisma and craziness? Handsome and attention-grabbing, this guy knows how to work a scene.

Corin - Jason Statham

Yeah, remember what I said about irony-free musclemen? Here’s where it fits. Corin, according to the breakdown, is Conan’s father, whom we see in flashback teaching his son to be a warrior. Film-goers would likely get a kick out of the stunt casting, and Statham gets a nice paycheck out of the deal. Everybody wins.

Ilira - Evan Rachel Wood

The latest vampire on the block of HBO’s True Blood, Wood is a pretty girl whose eyes give way to a vast intelligence underneath. Ilira is referred to as the true queen of the land, who the villains need in order to…oh, you know the drill. Anyway, Wood is an impressive young actress who would have no problem playing a young queen with intense courage.

So there you go, makers of Conan. I just saved you a major headache. I’ll be expecting my check in the mail any day now.