The story of King Arthur has been adapted for the large and small screens more times than anyone can count, due to the beauty and majesty of the story (and having nothing at all to do with the fact that it’s in the public domain!).

Later this month, NBC offers up Merlin, a series that gives us the story from the point-of-view of Arthur’s famous wizard (the first thirteen episodes aired last fall in the U.K. as The Adventures of Merlin).

In this version, Merlin is still young and cute, with an equally young and cute supporting cast of familiar names: Arthur, Lancelot, Morgana, and Guinevere (or “Gwen” as she’s known here, which some studio head no doubt thought would appeal to young people more.)

But how have other adaptations of Arthurian legend fared? Let’s take a look into the past and see…

The Mists of Avalon

Four Torches (Out of Five)

Though not as good as the book on which it’s based, this 2001 TNT miniseries showcased a feminist reimagining of Camelot, where the women did the heavy lifting when it came to pushing the plot forward. For a made-for-TV movie, the production values were pretty admirable, and it boasted some surprisingly good performances, most notably Julianna Margulies as Morgaine and Angelica Houston as Vivianne. Despite the slightly dragging pace toward the end, and the fact that Arthur and Lancelot suddenly appear out of nowhere in fake beards and Prince Valiant wigs to show the passage of time, this is still one of the better versions of the story out there.

Merlin

Two Torches (Out of Five)

Same name, same network as the upcoming adaptation, different project. In 1998, the peacock network gave us a glimpse into the whole life of Merlin, beginning with his youth and leading up to his old age. Unfortunately, the writers thought they would “improve” upon the source material by adding an antagonist named Queen Mab, a character made famous by Mercutio’s speech in Romeo and Juliet, which only made the already nebulous story even murkier, and they wasted the talents of Helena Bonham Carter, cast as Morgan Le Fay, but given precious little screen time. Particularly dreadful was Rutger Hauer, who sounded more American than Uncle Sam, reminding more than a few of us of that middle-aged actor at the Renaissance Fair that you just feel sorry for.

Excalibur

Four and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

Though dated within an inch of its life, this movie still pretty much rocks. Artfully directed by John Boorman, Excalibur is a compressed, 120-minute version of almost the entirety of Thomas Malory’s Le Morte D’Arthur, which is one of the best known works of Arthurian literature, and what many people consider “canon.” The film covers all the bases: Uther wining the kingdom, the sword in the stone, Arthur’s young life, Merlin being trapped in a tree, Lancelot and Guinevere, Mordred, the quest for the Holy Grail … name it and it’s in there. Nicol Williamson chews the scenery — but in a good way — as Merlin, and Helen Mirren steals the show as Morgana. Come to think of it, when is Morgana (Or Morgaine, or Morgan le Fay, whatever you want to call her) not a scene-stealing role?

First Knight

Three Torches (Out of Five)

The lore of Arthur is almost biblical in its complexity, but First Knight stripped everything away but the love traingle between Arthur, Guinevere, and Lancelot. Here Arthur is a robust, aging king, played by Sean Connery, while Lancelot gets to be the slightly younger, sexier dude, played by Richard Gere doing his best impression of Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Both of them looked too old to be messing around with the stunning Julia Ormond as Guinevere, but that’s Hollywood for you. While one misses the magical elements of Camelot, and the antagonist Malagant (a minor character from Arthurian legend) lacks any real sense of malice, the film is actually quite romantic and passionate. A good breaker-inner if you’re dating someone who has yet to see just how geeky you really are.

King Arthur

Four and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

Taking a well-known and well-loved fantasy story, removing all of the magic, and turning it into a gritty, severed-limbs-and-all war movie is an awfully risky move, as evidenced by 2004’s lukewarm Troy. But Antoine Fuqua’s King Arthur, which came out the same year, was so much better than it should have been, and took many people by surprise with just how slick and watchable it ended up being. Much of its strength is in its casting: Clive Owen is a strong and fascinating Arthur, Ioan Gruffud makes for a sympathetic and earnest Lancelot, and then there’s the film’s secret weapon in Keira Knightly, who is the most bad-ass Guinevere you will ever see. Here the character has been reimagined as a “Woad” (the film’s version of Picts, native people of Scotland), and she fights harder and more viciously than any of the men in the final epic battle scene. Plus she’s not too hard to look at in her leather and green body paint.

Camelot

Half a Torch (Out of Five)

So, this musical came out … uh, one might remember … hmm … sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Black Knight

Five Torches (Out of Five)

Renowned thespian Martin Lawrence, perhaps best known to many for his work on the London stage as part of the Royal Shakespeare Company, brought his theatrical charisma and dramatic gravitas to the role of Jamal Walker in Black Knight, a fiercely intelligent and moving adaptation of Mark Twain’s A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court. Though it was robbed of the Academy Award in a shocking upset to Daddy Day Care, Black Knight remains in the heart of the public as the definitive cinematic glimpse into life in Camelot.

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Like any genre, fantasy has had its share of groaning-inducing moments, in both books and film. Here are my picks for some of the absolute worst:

(1) The Giant Mole in City of Ember

In last year’s fantasy-esque movie City of Ember, about the mystery surrounding an underground city, it wasn’t enough to merely stick to the terrifically fast-paced children’s book by Jeanne Duprau on which the movie was based.

No, they had to go and add “action” and “excitement” — in the form of a giant mole. The creature shows up, completely unexplained, for a single scene, almost destroys an entire building, and then disappears again, with absolutely no mention or panic from the residents of Ember. Then at the very end, the giant mole suddenly shows up again in the most blatant case of deux-ex-machina since Ancient Greece.

The movie wasn’t great, but it was better than the studio executive who made them add that stupid giant mole.

Hiding from Ember’s stupid mole

(2) The Tri-Wizard Tournament in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The tasks in Goblet of Fire’s Tri-Wizard Tournament always struck me as credibility-stretchers, even within a world of wizardry. Fourteen year-old Harry has to risk being killed by a dragon?

But the second task, where Harry is required to find “important objects” in Hogwart’s Lake, is by far the most ridiculous. What are those “important objects”? Four of Harry’s friends, submerged in the lake, on the verge of death if Harry doesn’t rescue them.

If it’s all an illusion, what’s the point? But it seems pretty clear that it’s not all an illusion, especially since there is talk about how the tournament was previously discontinued for being “too dangerous.”

In other words, Dumbledore and the other teachers are just standing by while four students might die if Harry fails the task — all in the name of tradition? (Yes, yes, Dumbledore later says the whole point was to root out Voldemorte. But risking the lives of children?!)

A ridiculous plot contrivance in an otherwise interesting series.

Goblet’s stupid “task”

(3) C.S. Lewis’ Intrusive Religious Views in The Last Battle

Obviously Lewis intended his Chronicles of Narnia to be an allegory for his Christian religious beliefs, which is all well and good. But what made the books timeless classics for even non-Christians is that the stories work on several levels: the religious allegory one, but also a universal, literary one.

In short, you don’t need to be Christian to enjoy the books.

At least until The Last Battle. In the seventh book in the series, Lewis gives his inner Christian completely free reign, writing a book about “final judgment” and heaven — with a preachy, ham-fisted plot that makes almost no sense unless you’re a Christian, and subscribe to the beliefs of that mythos.

The disaster that is The Last Battle can’t mar the simple beauty of the six books that come before. But it’s a disappointment nonetheless.

(4) The Trailer for Bridge to Terabithia

As anyone who’s ever read Katherine Peterson’s classic children’s novel Bridge to Terabithia knows, it’s the understated story of two teenagers who concoct a pretend fantasy world to combat the horrors of their real lives — and the touching 2007 movie, with only modest special effects, was pretty faithful to the book’s vision.

But the trailer for that film, in one of the most misleading advertising campaigns of all time, tried to fool people who hadn’t read the book into thinking that the movie was the story of two kids who find an elaborate, and actual, fantasy world:

The stupidly misleading Terabithia trailer

(5) The “Suit of Armor” Sex in Excalibur

In Excalibur, John Boorman’s 1981 film about the Arthurian legend, Uther pretends to be the Duke of Cornwall in order to seduce his wife, Igrayne. What disguise does he use? A full suit of armor.

In other words, he has sex with her wearing a full suit of armor.

Is this even possible? Wouldn’t a cloak have worked just as well — or how about just turning out the lights?

A cause for laughter in an otherwise excellent film.

(6) Peter Pan’s Ridiculous Racism and Sexism

I’m not sure which is more exasperating about Disney’s 1953 animated film Peter Pan: the parade of shockingly racist Native American stereotypes in, or its sexist portayal of females as spiteful and petulant (Tinker Bell) or completely passive and worthy of only contempt (Wendy).

Okay, I give up: it’s the racism. This clip is so offensive it makes me want to take a shower:

Peter Pan’s stupid racism

(7) Eragon

Don’t get me started.

(8) The Synthesizers in Ladyhawke

This one seems stupid only in retrospect. The 1985 movie Ladyhawke is the story of a pair of doomed lovers who can never be together — one turns into a hawk during the day, while the other is a wolf at night. At the time, it probably seemed like a good idea to give it a more contemporary, teen-friendly feel by having Alan Parsons compose a synth-heavy score.

But oh, how times change! Though the movie is set in medieval times, the distracting mid-80s score now inspires only mood-destroying laughter:

Ladyhawke’s now- stupid music

(9) Tom Cruise Apologizing to a Unicorn in Legend

Ridley Scott’s 1985 fantasy film Legend had an incredible look. The script? Not so incredible.

In just one of many cringe-inducing moments, Tom Cruise apologizes to a unicorn for stealing its horn, and setting all manner of evil into motion.

And hey! More mid-80s synthesizers!

One of many stupid scenes in Legend

(10) Jim Carrey in A Series of Unfortunate Events

Honestly, has the man not already ruined enough movies?

Carrey stupidly hamming it up

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