Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

Last week, Eric, in all his infinite gothness, decided to use Sookie as bait in order to make a deal with the insane vampire king, Russell Edgington, who was none too pleased with Eric after he murdered Russell’s husband, Talbot. So, naturally, he chained her up in the basement. So goth.

After he takes off, Bill runs in, sensing Sookie’s in trouble. Usually Mr. Compton knows how to bring the goth, but this dashing hero routine is just so tired. Fortunately, the sexy and eternally goth Pam is there to spray a little silver into his face. Yes, Bill. Feast on your delicious agony.

Wait, what happened? First Bill has rejected his innate gothness, then Sookie picks up the slack by silver-choking Pam? Wow, who knew?

Meanwhile, Tara is sizing up her life of the past few months: she finally met someone she loved, only to have him shot, and then was tortured by an insane vampire. So she surrenders to despair and weeps in a graveyard at night. And really, haven’t we all been there?

Following a V-induced trip, Lafayette and Jesus are sitting in the living room when Lafayette hallucinates that Jesus has turned into … whatever that thing is. Imagining your lover as a hideous demon? I think Lafayette may just be pulling his goth weight this week. Well, it’s about time.

So first Sookie goes goth, then Lafayette goes gother, and now it looks like Arlene, who employed her witch friend to magically murder her unborn baby, may take the goth gold ring. Arlene! What’s in the water in Bon Temps tonight?

Sookie and Bill are driving across town, imagining their lives as a perfect, happy rural couple. Disgusting. Fortunately, Russell and Eric arrive to put a stop to it. Tres goth, gentlemen. Good show. It turns out Eric wants to encourage Russell to drink Sookie’s fairy blood so he can walk in the sunlight. (I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone ever want to walk in the sunlight?)

Well, never fear. This desire for sunlight isn’t some de-gothing on Eric’s part. It turns out it was an elaborate ruse to trap Russell under the sun and kill him. Of course, it will kill Eric as well.

But that’s how a truly goth man rolls.

Till next time, my little demons … goth out.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

For those of you not too gothed out to remember, last week ended with Sookie finally embracing the goth and bitch-slapping werewolf Debbie out, while Eric dispatched Russell Edgington’s husband Talbot at a really unfortunate time. Sex death. It doesn’t get any gother than that.

Eric rushes back to Fangtasia and encounters the deliciously goth Pam, who is undermining her overwhelming darkness by being concerned for him.

In no time at all, the surprisingly sinister Nan (could a surprise ever be more welcome?) shows up and grills Eric about what happened to the Magister, eventually deciding, along with the mysterious Authority, that Eric has to clean up his own goth mess all by his own goth self.

Could it be all their blood-swapping has made them trade places? As Sookie grows darker, Bill finds himself in the blindingly happy fairy-tale world where Sookie once traveled to. Gross.

For thos who like their plate of goth with crazy on the side, Lafayette’s mother stopped by for her daily dose of loco. But by now Lafayette and Jesus are way too in love to be goth, so we’re moving on.

Meanwhile, Sam is worried the viewers will forget he’s a character on this show, so he beats the crap out of someone at the bar. Personally, I’d go with locating the masters of the dark arts and joining them in their fiendish plots of demonic domination, but to each his own.

Shocking no one, Franklin returns, even crazier than Lafayette’s mom. But we are surprised to see ray of sunshine Jason Stackhouse shoot him with a wooden bullet through the heart. Oh, Jason, that was the gothest you’ve ever been. Good show.

But not one to be out-gothed, Russell shows up on the primetime news and separates an anchor from his spine.

And that is why it’s goth to be the king.

Goth out!

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

For those of you too encased in the vapors of misery to recall, last week ended with Sookie being awakened from her coma by Bill feeding her his blood through an IV. Of course, he had put her in the coma, so it sort of evens out.

This ends with Sookie and Bill breaking up. Yes, that’s right. In an odd departure from her usual perky self, Sookie embraces the inexorable reality that life is but a ceaselessly flowing river of pain and surrenders to despair, causing Bill to cry … and making him look like he should be auditioning for a community theater production of A Clockwork Orange: The Musical. Depressing, Bill, but not exactly goth. What happened to you? You were my go-to goth!

Meanwhile, at Russell Edgington’s home, his lover Talbot is none too pleased that Russell decided to marry Queen Sophie-Anne for political reasons. Talbot is on the verge of goth, but sadly just ends up whiny.

But at least Sookie has, uncharacteristically, decided to give us a full on goth parade this episode, which she proves by …

Oh, god dammit. Moving on …

We’re given another example of surprising gothitude when Arlene – yes, Arlene – has a hallucination about her late murderous fiancee, Renee. Well, well, Arlene. I didn’t know you had it in you. You have impressed me.

Wow, you know what’s really not goth? Vampires hugging.

Someone who hasn’t let us down in the goth department is Eric, who has been giving the ol’ sexy eye to both Talbot and Russell for the past few episodes. Here it culminates in a passionate rendezvous with Talbot … right before Eric stakes him to avenge his family’s death at the hands of Russell. Super goth points, Eric!

Of course, the King of Mississippi is also the King of Goth, as Russell demonstrates her by chowing down on our beloved Baby Jessica.

In an episode full of twists and turns as far as who’s goth and who’s not, can we really be surprised that the show’s supercouple decides to cap it off with one of the gothest sex scenes yet? After a knockdown-dragout battle with werewolf Debbie, Buffy Sookie does what she does best — have angsty, gothy sex with Bill. So what else is new?

So there you have it, my gruesome hell-beasts. Not a consistently goth episode, but at least we weren’t subjected to a Sookie-hallucination-inspired scene of angel-fairy-hippies frolicking around a pond.

Till nest time, goth out.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled, on this page we indulge in the bloody despair and evil, evil plot points. Ye have been warned …

For those of you too encased in darkness to remember, last week the unbearable lightness of being that is Sookie was about to be devoured by the she-vampire, Lorena. Oh, if only she had succeeded, and the world would be rid of the parky blondness.

But of course Bill overpowers her and instructs Sookie to stake her, because as we all know, no one is gother than Bill. He will cut you … with darkness.

Of course, unlike on Buffy, where a staked vamp turns into a decidedly non-goth cloud of dust, the vampires in Louisiana explode into a puddle of blood and gore when met with wood through the heart. There are few things in this hellish world that make me smile. That is one of them.

Meanwhile, Jason proves once again that he has no idea how to be goth. Look at that body - tan, lean and muscled … clearly he doesn’t understand the path to true beauty is to always hide from the sun and never eat. Amateur.

Jason should really take goth lessons from Bill, who chowed down on Sookie in order to recuperate. Of course, he went overboard and put her in a coma, where she had a super-not-goth hallucination of white-clad folks making merry in the sunshine. Ugh. Typical.

Fortunately, Eric is around to up the goth quotient, which he does by feasting on Queen Sophie-Anne’s mortal girlfriend, Hadley, in order to get information about Sookie.  Wicked.

Another fellow who never fails to encase the world around him in utter gloom is the Magister, who is so intent on torturing Pam that he doesn’t notice Eric, Sophie-Anne, and Russell Edgington entering the room. Interesting. Is it possible to be too goth, to the point where you don’t pay attention to your own safety? Ah, nonsense. There’s no such thing as too goth. What a silly idea. I’m sure no matter what the situation, his gothitude will protect him –

Ah, never mind.

Goth out.

Welcome back, fiends of the underworld, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled: we will discuss the latest episodes of HBO’s gothic fantasy, True Blood. Ye have been warned …

Last week, Tara was brought to the house of super goth Russell Edgington and Talbot by the insane Franklin, which doesn’t bode well for Tara. Usually Tara’s the type of person who utterly surrenders to pain and misery. I understand and respect her for this. But she must have spent too much time around Sookie, because she’s starting to get spunky in the face of danger. Sigh. And there was so much hope for her.

The episode ended with Sookie and Bill being ambushed and taken hostage by Russell, and Sookie once again unleashing that light from her hands. Ugh. Even her superpowers are bright and perky.

This episode begins with the dead-crossed lovers being tossed into the foyer of Russell’s home, and Bill, who is always dependably goth, immediately stakes a skinhead vamp. Blood and entrails fly everywhere, which horrifies Talbot, who is only thinking about the mess it’s making. So not goth, Talbot. Russell orders Lorena to murder Bill in the basement. Well played, your majesty.

Later, Russell drags Sookie into a living room and demands she tell him what she really is, and why she was able to do that pesky lightbeam-thing. Sookie attempts to use feisty bravado to counter Russell’s supreme gothitude. Oh, Sookie, just stop trying. Please.

After his grilling of the perpetually blond Sookie, Russell takes Eric and heads to the home of Sophie-Anne, the Vampire Queen, where he has Eric rough her up and force her to agree to marry Russell for political reasons. This episode is getting gother by the second.

Tara takes the goth cake this week by tricking Franklin into thinking she loves him, seducing him, biting him and tearing into his flesh, waiting for him to fall asleep, and then bludgeoning him to a bloody pulp with a mace. Between that and Lorena torturing Bill in the basement, this week seems to showcase just how goth the ladies are. Even Sookie seems a little glummer than usual after thinking Bill is being murdered. Hell’s belles, indeed, my little monsters.

Well, my, my. It would seem we have one more hellish belle, as Baby Jessica makes short work of a horrifically rude customer. But then, she did it to make Arlene feel better, so I’m not sure if that counts as truly goth.

Of course, it takes a vampire to win the goth crown, and Lorena proves this when she ends the episode biting down on Sookie in what looks like a fatal embrace.

Fingers crossed that it works.

So there you have it, my demons and phantasmagoric fellows, our latest goth recap. I now send you all out into the night to wreak havoc among the living and bring dread into the hearts of the hopeful. I’d go with you, but I’m way too goth to do this myself … plus I just got a new Playstation game. It’s all right, though — it’s a totally goth.

Welcome back, Hellspawn, to the darkest recesses of TheTorchOnline.com, wherein we dance once more to the dark refrain of that titillating vampiric romp, True Blood. As we all know, no one is gother than us here, and we prove it by delivering unto your dark souls these totally dark recaps. Just don’t tell our mom, because she’ll ground us. With evil.

If you can reach through the murky depths of your black despair and remember, last week Tara was brought to the house of Russell Edgington by the nastiness known as Franklin. After she’s sniffed at by Russell’s lover, Talbot, Russell returns with Bill and that bastion of wickedness, Lorena. In true goth fashion, Bill pretends he doesn’t know Tara. Even gother? They’re all covered in the blood of the stripper they had been devouring.

Later, Eric shows up and they drink blood out of martini glasses. This show is on a goth roll for once. I’m just glad Sookie isn’t around to spoil it with her perky blond ponytail and adorable smile. Ugh … I shudder with ennui.

Meanwhile, Franklin’s obsessive love for Tara grows to the point where he ties her up and puts her in a lacy mumu. That’s beyond goth — that’s flat out disturbing.

At Merlotte’s, Tommy flirts with Baby Jessica. Ugh, so not goth. Moving on.

Then Jason takes off his shirt and flirts with Crystal. Hey, this is getting less goth by the minute …

Then Jesus starts flirting with Lafayette. Aw, come on! Where’s all the goth go?

Ah, there we go. As we return to goth form, brought to us naturally by the ever-goth Bill, our dark hero smashes some faces in and escapes from Russell’s mansion after hearing that Sookie was in Mississippi. If only Sookie wasn’t mentioned, that would have been the perfect goth sentence.

Speaking of Sookie, this quasi-dark episode ends with her stunning Cooter with a beam of light.

Wait, what?

Welcome back, children of the night, to the dark and shadowy dark shadows of TheTorchOnline.com. Herein we take a look at the most recent episodes of True Blood and see if they’re as truly goth as we are. Because we are totally goth.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled: we will discuss the most goth elements of the latest episodes in detail. Ye have been warned …

As we all know, Sookie is currently on the road with the werewolf Alcide looking for Bill, who’s gone missing. Rather than surrendering to the darkness that surrounds all of our lives, she is fighting to keep the light in. We don’t like Sookie.

Fortunately for us, Bill, who had just had incredibly angsty and neck-twisting sex with Lorena, is there for us to bring the goth. He always manages to inject an unbelievably bleak, depressing mood into any situation. We like Bill. As much as our wicked, black hearts can like someone, that is.

Meanwhile, Eric is having sexy daydreams about Sookie. Oh, Eric. She’s all perkiness and blond ponytails. Can’t you see that you should be with someone cold, mean, and dark-hearted, like Pam?

Now this is more like it. As we all know, the perpetually-distraught Tara has given herself over to the pain and darkness in life and got herself involved with that really ugly British vampire, Franklin. I think she made the right choice. Sure, it may have gotten her tied up on a toilet and left all alone, but really, isn’t that just a metaphor for everyone’s daily life in this rotten world?

But all good things must come to an end, and so Franklin returns and liberates Tara from her porcelain prison, only to tie her up again and bring her to the home of Russell Edgington, the Vampire King of Mississippi, and his lover Talbot. We don’t know exactly what’s afoot, but you can tell it’s something extraordinarily goth.

Ugh. Tragic. Don’t even try, Sookie.

Back at Fangtasia, the super-goth Magister has discovered Eric’s drug ring, in which he sells V to eager customers. For those not in the True Blood inner circle, V is vampire blood. Selling your own blood like a drug? That’s about as goth as you get.

And finally, the Vampire King of Mississippi has one more goth trick in store for us as he closes out the episode by opening up his own veins and feeding his blood to a room full of filthy, dark werewolves.

Nice move, King. We’ll have to retreat to our coffins and try to come up with an even gother maneuver. Until next week, my little monsters. You can see yourselves out, of course. Just don’t knock over any of the satanic candles on your way out.

Because I can’t afford to replace any of my rugs. But, like, in a goth way.

Welcome back, children of the night, to the dark and shadowy dark shadows of TheTorchOnline.com. Feast in our unholy revelry and evil, evil wine coolers.

A word of warning for those who wish to remain unspoiled: we will discuss the latest episodes of HBO’s gothic fantasy, True Blood. Ye have been warned …

In our last goth recap, we saw that the undead vampire Bill Compton had been kidnapped by evil werewolves. You don’t much gother than that, my dead friends, and this episode began with our hero awash in a sea of totally goth danger, as he viciously fought off the sinister lycans.

Since had just drained the blood of an elderly woman (SO goth), he was able to overwhelm and kill most of his lupine attackers. But then the Vampire King of Mississippi , Russell Edgington, (goth) showed up and put an end to the killing (not goth).

Meanwhile, Sookie is angsty and upset. Join the club, Sookie, and surrender to life’s misery like the rest of us. She still thinks she can bring her rays of light into this dark world of ours, so she pleads for help from Eric. Bad idea, as we all know Eric is one of ours, meaning he’s dark, dark, and dark.

Bill is brought to the King’s house and meets his lover, Talbot, who delights in showing Bill their decidedly non-goth lair. Whatever happened to cobwebs and satanic candles? People have no taste these days.

Everything about the above picture makes my eyes hurt. Let’s move on, shall we, my wicked minions?

Family reunions? Siblings cleaning floors is a sunlit kitchen? The demons inside me do not like the path this episode seems to be going down …

Much better … three vampires sitting around a table, speaking of death while drinking blood … this, my little monsters, is what being goth is all about. I knew if we waited long enough, we would get the demonic energy flowing again.

(For those keeping track, let the record show that we’re seriously goth. We don’t like sunlight. Ever.)

And if you can’t be a full-blooded creature of darkness and have to settle for shapeshifting, a good way to be truly goth is to try to kill your brother while in animal form. Yes. We will accept that as goth.

Flashbacking to your time as a vampire Nazi impersonator tracking a werewolf will also suffice. But let’s not get too carried away with flashbacks … they ruined some perfectly good episodes of Angel.

Naturally, Bill outgoths us all when he sees Lorena, the woman who sired him, sashaying around the mansion of the king like she owns the place. Falling into a deep and despair-fueled rage, he hurls a lantern at her, setting her on fire. SO goth.

So there we have it, my demonic brethren: the goth recap for the second episode of that cruel mistress, True Blood. Be sure to come back next week when we delve even deeper into the murky darkness of the werewolf nightlife. Till then, my demons, I’m off to my coffin. You can see yourselves out. Just don’t turn on any lights, because, you know … goth.

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Welcome, children of the dark, to the murkiest corners of TheTorchOnline.com. Here, the flames of said Torch fight a losing battle against the encroaching darkness. Because it’s really, really dark. Like, vampire dark.

For these “goth” recaps, we will bring the darkness of True Blood directly into your very soul, and if there’s any light in you, we’ll suck it out. We’re just that goth.

For those too gothed out to remember, last season of True Blood ended with the morbid killing of Eggs, who was under control of that super-dark Maenad, Marianne. Also, Bill proposed to Sookie (that is totally not goth, by the way) but was vamp-napped before she could answer.

This season begins with Sookie running out of the restaurant to look for him, but he’s long gone and no one will help her. Surrender to hopelessness and despair, Sookie. We all have.

It turns out that Bill has been kidnapped by a gang of werewolves. As I roll my eyes, I must ask, “Who hasn’t?” Anyway, they are totally into drinking his blood for the high of it. Pssh. Amateurs.

Speaking of amateurs, Bill’s protege, Baby Jessica, accidentally killed someone. Again, who hasn’t?

So I guess Sookie is running around, trying to find Bill. Apparently she doesn’t understand the concept behind surrendering to hopelessness and despair. She goes to Fangtasia (finally, people who understand what it means to be goth) and gets an eyeful of Pam … and then a real eyeful of Eric and one of his new lady dancers mid-act. If I had a pulse, it would quicken. But I don’t, because I’m totally dead inside.

Remember that episode of Buffy when Willow sees her vampire self, and is shocked to find her evil, and skanky, and kind of gay? Well, Pam is basically just Evil Willow, and that’s why I love her. Well, uh, I mean, I would love her, if my heart was capable of love and wasn’t just the dried, decaying shell it truly is.

After that bit of weirdness, Sookie finds Tara at her house, and fortunately, Tara knows what it means to embrace the darkness in your soul. She’s upset about Eggs being killed, and rather than rise above the torment and find an inner strength, she collapses under the weight of the intolerable pain that is the mortal condition. As one should.

Meanwhile, Sam is on a mission to find his family … again, so not goth. But he does have an interesting dream in which Bill comes to his motel room and invites him into the shower. So you’re into Bill now, Sam? You should join the dark side, kill Sookie, and take what your wicked heart wants. Just saying.

Back at Fangtasia, the Magister comes with the Vampire Queen to inquire why so much V is being sold in the area. No, not the show about the aliens, that is totally not goth. V is vampire blood. Duh. The Queen and Eric are working together to sell it, but the Magister doesn’t know that. Sigh. I’m not sure there’s that much darkness in this plot, so I’m movin on.

Bill finds a kindly old woman and drinks her blood. Thank you for saving the totally non-goth roll the show was just on, Bill! We need more like you. He sort of ruins it by being nice to her afterward, though. The world is nothing but pain, so what’s the point of ever being nice?

Now that he’s juiced on old lady-blood, he’s ready to face the werewolves in a who’s-more-evil-smackdown …

So that’s it for this week, you demons. Remember to slink back to this unholy cesspool next week, when I’ll emerge from my coffin once again to regale you with only the gothest of stories …

… because I’m goth.

Seriously goth.

(Like a lot.)

Five Torches (Out of Five)

Warning: The following review contains spoilers for the “Tears” episode of Legend of the Seeker.

I can’t remember the quote exactly, but at one point during The Lord of the Rings, when hope seems lost and a victory in battle seems all but impossible, stoic King Theoden says something like, “If this truly is the end, let it be such an end.”

That pretty much sums up the season — and yes, probably series — finale of Legend of the Seeker.

That the show will probably not return for a third season is a tragedy, but after having viewed the season finale, shot before the powers that be had knowledge of this fact, I can gladly say that the episode “Tears” serves as a fitting and extremely satisfying series finale.

In a way, the episode serves as a microcosm of the entire series: they proudly display the incredible combat choreography that sets the show miles above most other action shows on television, a great deal of magic is used that never feels like a plot cheat, and while “Tears” incorporates a sizable handful of secondary and tertiary recurring characters, it never skimps on character moments for our four heroic leads, namely Zedd, Cara, Richard, and Kahlan.

Speaking purely as a fan and not a critic, one thing I’ve always appreciated about Legend of the Seeker is that while an abundance of magic is used as plot fodder, the writers always define exactly what the magical properties are, and exactly what a person, spell, or object can and cannot do. Therefore, with the crazy magical battles that occur in “Tears,” everything follows logic and no rules are broken.

Everything that happened with Nicci confessing Kahlan worked because of the rules they so carefully set up. That Zedd’s magic is useless against Mord-Sith is well established, and so the Mord-Sith were a true threat. The episode-opening spell on Dahlia worked given what we learned last week, and the Richard-saving Breath of Life that capped everything off resonated not only for its emotional payoff but because it made sense.

It’s easy to cheat as a writer when you’re working with magic, but the writers of Seeker never did, and I applaud them for it.

The plot of “Tears” is so complex I won’t even try to recap it for you, but suffice it to say that while betrayals and fireballs are flying fast and furious, the core of the show — our four heroes — keep the pace moving, even when Kahlan is under Nicci’s thrall. (And might I say, that was one of the several shocking moments of the episode. Who would have thought Kahlan, the Confessor, could ever be confessed?)

While we begin in the alternate reality that dominated the previous episode, much of the story takes place in the real world, as is befitting a series conclusion, and getting back the good Cara we’ve come to love was a moment of pure joy. Much of Seeker’s underlying arc is the love story of Richard and Kahlan, and for those shippers out there, this was the episode to put all your desires to rest.

I won’t lie — I was terrified the show would end on a cliffhanger, with a confessed Kahlan having killed Richard and the Keeper in possession of the Stone of Tears. Fortunately, such was not the case.

But I’ll tell you what I really loved. I loved that, in spite of the twist-heavy plot that had built by show’s end, they let the camera linger on Kahlan weeping over Richard’s dead body.

That was a moment that needed weight, and that’s what they gave us. With bodies littering the ground and a demonic adversary holding the key to their salvation, it’s Richard’s death and that alone that Kahlan can focus on. Because the writers had the confidence in their story to stay in that moment, we felt that sorrow with Kahlan.

In a way, they couldn’t have made a better series finale if they tried. It would seem somehow dishonest if the episode implied they would never have to face an enemy again, and the tiny scene with Darken Rahl resurrecting Nicci hinted at problems to come.

But that wasn’t the conclusion of the episode. The true ending was the revelation that the love shared between Kahlan and Richard was stronger than any dark magic they might ever face, and we end the show the way all good stories should end.

With a kiss.

Five Torches (Out of Five)

Warning: The following review contains spoilers for the “Unbroken” episode of Legend of the Seeker.

You know what’s been missing in a high fantasy show like Legend of the Seeker? Alternate realities.

In the first part of Seeker’s season finale — and, most probably, series finale — we learn that Cara’s turn to the dark side wasn’t through your standard Mord’Sith brainwashing, but rather a heavy bit of black magic. Zedd works some serious mojo to undo the badness done to her, only to wind up in an alternate dimension where the events of last year’s season finale were altered slightly, in that Cara was not involved.

What ended up happening was the original plan succeeded, and Richard totally owned Darken Rahl using the powers of the Box of Orden. This brought about an era of piece in D’Hara in which Richard rules as a just Lord Rahl and married Kahlan. Yay! Happy ending! He even controls Darken Rahl and the Mord’Sith. Not bad, Mr. Cypher.

But of course that’s not to be. It turns out that the world really isn’t that much better off, because the Keeper, you see, exists outside space and time, and so is aware that the world has been changed.

I’m not sure if this is a plot cheat or not, because I’ve always been a little confused as to the extent of the Keeper’s power. But you know what? I’ll buy it, because the show hasn’t let me down yet.

The Keeper advises the Sisters of the Dark to murder Richard’s sister and use her blood to make them immune to the magic protecting the palace. They do, and remove the Box of Orden, stealing Richard’s power, and so he becomes helpless to Rahl’s rule.

Meanwhile, Zedd and Kahlan discover that the Cara in this reality is a kind, unassuming mother of two, who gets caught up in a brief, sweet love affair with none other than Leo, the one-time Seeker. But they decide the best thing to do is to try and reverse the spell, and so tie up this docile Cara against her will and begin the spell again. Unfortunately, the Mord’Sith tracked them there and kill Cara before the spell can be completed.

I’m seriously getting tired of seeing the gorgeous Tabrett Brethell get killed on screen.

This episode seems a fitting counterpart to last year’s season finale, which featured an alternate future in which Kahlan maried Darken Rahl. I like that the show can bend its formula for its season finales, shaking things up and putting the characters n new situations. Sure, it doesn’t have the heavy, intellectual gravitas of episodes like “Torn” and “Hunger,” but it does shed more light on its awesome mythology.

Even though we all know it wasn’t meant to last, it was so gratifying as a long-term fan to see that one moment of bed-oriented joy with Richard and Kahlan, especially when she tells him she’s pregnant. Even though it had only been days since they had consummated their relationship, Kahlan looks at him with a maternal glow, saying that a Confessor just knows. It was a beautiful moment, and it made my heart ache to think we may not see these two on screen together anymore.

All in all, this ep was a fantastic set-up for next week’s season finale. Cue the violins. This is one of my favorite shows on television right now, mostly because it’s so unique. If you have any more oopmh left, Save Our Seeker campaign, do it up. We here at the Torch have your back.

We’re all holding our breath for next week. This week was mostly set-up, which means that next week is going to be insane. I can’t wait.

Four and a half Torches (Out of Five)

Warning: This review contains spoilers for the “Swan Song” episode of Supernatural.

I liked the episode, but I confess: I really wasn’t crazy about this season.

As an individual episode, it was fine. It had a nice opening, connecting things back to both Chuck (the prophet-author of the Supernatural novels/chronicles) and Dean’s Chevy Impala.

I liked the set-up where Sam says, “I let [Lucifer] out. I gotta put him back in.” And I liked that Dean finally seems to truly trust him again. (But hadn’t we’d already covered all this several times in previous episodes? Did we need to waste time in the all-important finale to go over it again?)

I thought Jared Padalecki had some nice acting moments, playing both Sam and Lucifer using him as a vessel, and the scene where he and/or Lucifer kill all his childhood enemies was absolutely chilling/fantastic.

(Watching Bobby and Castiel get killed, meanwhile, was not fun at all. I love both those characters, and that was really difficult to see, their deaths so casually done.)

The show also played fair in that they promised early on that Sam would voluntarily choose to become Lucifer’s vessel — and sure enough, he did. (But didn’t they prophecize the same thing about Dean voluntarily becoming Michael’s vessel? It’s a pet peeve of mine where a show establishes that prophecies are “real” and unbreakable — but then simply has them not come true with no real explanation why.)

Finally, I liked the ambiguous ending, even if it was also sort of a cheat, both plot-wise and thematically. How nice: maybe God isn’t dead after all. That does contradict quite a bit of what we learned this year, but hey, maybe it’s time the show lightened up a bit on its patented darkness/cynicism. This might have been the last episode of the series, after all.

But all in all, it was a fairly underwhelming conclusion to a season that did, after all, promise the Apocalypse. And as I’ve worried in these last few episode reviews, this action here wasn’t really connected to all, or even most, of the episodes of the season. It’s like they set up this terrific, riveting storyline at the beginning of the season, then went away for twelve episodes, only to come back and say, “Oh, right, we have to finish the story now, don’t we?”

When Lucifer mentioned how he never lies, it reminded me how much I liked that character at the beginning of the season, how the so-called “Prince of Lies” never does lie: he tells people the absolute truth (and that’s how he charms them, but also why they hate him).

But this also reminded me how little we’ve seen of the character this season, how he was pretty much wasted.

In past years, when a season of Supernatural was over, I was up half the night, buzzing about how brilliant and chilling and perfectly realized the finale was.

I wish I felt that way this year, but instead, I guess I’ll just go to bed.

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