Four and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

I first visited Disney’s Animal Kingdom, part of the Disney World collection of theme parks in Florida, shortly after it opened in 1998. The landscaping was terrific, and the zoo attraction was impressive.

But $45 was a hell of a lot to pay for a well-landscaped zoo.

Alas, the few existing attractions at Animal Kingdom were even lamer than those in Disney’s California Adventure when it opened in 2001, and that’s really saying something.

Since then, Disney has tried buffing up Animal Kingdom’s premiere attractions. One of their most recent additions, the Expedition Everest: Legend of the Forbidden Mountain roller-coaster that opened in 2006, isn’t just the best attraction in the park; it’s one of the best attractions Disney has ever created, on par with their breathtakingly creative Tower of Terror ride that first opened at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in 1994.

Expedition Everest is clearly an homage to the Matterhorn Bobsleds coaster at the original Disneyland. That ride, especially its “forced perspective” making it seem much larger than it is, was certainly impressive in its day (it opened in 1959). But despite occasional improvements since then, it’s since become dated.

Expedition Everest, meanwhile, is Disney at its most current, and its very best.

As with the most memorable of Disney’s attractions, Everest tells a story. In the foothills of the Himalayas in the fictional kingdom of Anandapur, the Himalayan Escapes tour company has embarked on a plan to take tourists up to the base camp of Mount Everest using the Darjeeling Ko Rail, an old steam train had once been used to bring tea down from the mountains. Problem is, the train uses a shortcut, passing through a “forbidden mountain” supposedly guarded by the legendary Yeti.

This is not the fastest or most intense roller-coaster you’ll ever ride. To get that, visit Universal Studios Islands of Adventure, or any of Orlando’s other nearby theme parks.

Still, the thrills are impressive given that it’s Disney, a company that makes as many of its attractions as accessible to as many people as possible. And it’s the mark of a good coaster that many of the drops and turns are scarier than they probably deserve to be, if only because they come in unexpected places (and because they tie into the overall story).

But what’s really remarkable about Expedition Everest is the breathtaking level of detail, both in the run-up to the ride and in the coaster itself. When we finally encounter the animatronic Yeti — out of commission for some time, but now apparently back in commission full-time — it absolutely doesn’t disappoint.

Good job, Disney! I think I’m finally ready to forgive you for that nine dollar burger.

Ah, the “magic portal” fantasy sub-genre! Who doesn’t love it?

I’m talking, of course, about those stories that begin in the “real” world, but in which the character or characters are somehow transported to a magic one.

How? Usually through some kind of magical “gate” or portal. Let’s count down some of the all-time best, shall we?

8. The Magical Medallion in Magic Kingdom for Sale — SOLD!

Terry Brooks is at his best when he has no pretensions — when he doesn’t take himself too seriously, and when he lets the humor flow. The best example of this may be the Magic Kingdom of Landover novels, in which a depressed Chicago lawyer sees an ad for a “magic kingdom” for sale for a million dollars. Desperate for a clean change, he buys it, and is given a magical medallion that leads him through swirling mists to an actual magic kingdom. Naturally, what’s waiting for him there is not quite as simple as it sounds!

7. The Portal into John Malkovich’s Mind in Being John Malkovich

Like much of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman’s work, some of this movie is self-indulgent and distracting. But you gotta love the movie’s brilliant central premise: a door that leads people into the head of actor John Malkovich for 15-minute increments!

6. The Map of the Universe in Time Bandits

In my mind, Terry Gilliam is an undisputed visual genius. But I’m not sure he gets enough credit for some of the wonderful central “gimmicks” in his films, such as the map of the universe in his 1982 film, Time Bandits, which he co-wrote. A group of God’s workers were given a map of the “holes” in the space-time continuum. But rather than use the map to repair the holes as they’ve been ordered, they use it to dart in and out of time, stealing some of history’s greatest treasures. Along the way, they pick up Kevin, our eleven year-old hero — and they’re also being watched by Evil, who just might make use the map to break out of his Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.

Great visuals, great movie, great magical portals!

5. The Gates to Disneyland

Okay, sure, Disneyland (and Disneyworld) has become the attraction that everyone loves to hate, or at least grouse about. Yeah, the lines can be too long, and the food is too expensive. But more than 50 years after its founding, I think it’s difficult to truly appreciate what Walt Disney did with his famous theme parks. He made fantasy come to life! Not on a movie screen or in the pages of a book, but for real! Sure, there had been amusement parks before, but nothing like this. And, frankly, to this day, no one has done it better.

A real-life magical portal? You bet!

4. The Magic Well in Enchanted

Speaking of Disney, there’s a movie about an animated Disney princess who gets pushed through a magical well into the “real” world of New York City — and it stars Amy Adams and Susan Sarandon? Oh, please, I am so there!

3. The Dark Tower

What the hell is the Dark Tower? Not even those who’ve read Stephen King’s trippy, but breathtaking seven-book Dark Tower series can say exactly, but it seems to be some kind of a nexus where all universes coincide. But the tower is just one of a number of magic portals that enliven this classic, mind-bender of a series.

2. The Twister in The Wizard of Oz, the Rabbit Hole in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and the Lookingglass in Through the Lookingglass, and What Alice Found There.

Some magical gates are literally doors or door-like, but other are more obscure, like the twister in The Wizard of Oz or the rabbit hole and the lookingglass that take Alice to Wonderland. And just as vaguely defined as the doors themselves are the reasons why they exist and why they go where they go. These children’s stories never really say — which is totally in keeping with their dream-like natures, and the fact that they speak the wonderful language of archetypes and imagination, not literal reality.

1. The Wardrobe in The Chronicles of Narnia

Was there any doubt? Yeah, this is the best magical portal of all-time, hands-down.

It’s partly the wardrobe’s wonderful synchronicity — how (assuming we read the books in their original order) we first encounter the wardrobe in the The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but then eventually learn in The Magician’s Nephew how it came to be: Digory had it made from the wood of the tree that grew from the magical apple he brought back from Narnia to save his mother’s life. Later, Digory had it moved to his house in the country, where he became “the old Professor” from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

The wardrobe works so well as a magical portal partly because of its quaint, old-fashioned, and British-seeming nature, which is perfectly in keeping with the tone of the books.

But mostly the wardrobe is so wonderful because it’s activated millions of imaginations; since the day Wardrobe was first published, it’s had generations of kids (and even some adults, including this one) forever peeking into the backs of closets and wardrobes … just in case.

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