Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherein we match up combatants from the realm of fantasy to see who would survive in a fight to the death. Kind of like that Spike TV show. But way cooler.
And speaking of spikes, today we deal with two warriors who have never met, but would surely stack up there with the greatest matches of all time if they did. William the Bloody, now known as Spike, is a tough-as-nails vampire punk, who kept Buffy Summers, the infamous vampire slayer, on her toes (and occasionally on her back) for years. What an interesting long-black-leather-trench-coat grudge match it would be were Spike to ever come head to head with another far less peppy vampire slayer, namely the grim warrior for good known as Blade.
So who is Spike?
Though he was of upper class origins, once turned into a vampire, William Pratt became a rebel without a soul, wantonly killing for the rush of it, and joining up with his sire, Drusilla, and he evil crew, consisting of Angelus and Darla, two of the most notorious vampires ever to come to Sunnydale. After parting ways with them, Spike and Drusilla traveled to Prague, where Drusilla was injured severely by an angry mob. Some time after this, they made their way to Sunnydale and began terrorizing Buffy Summers and her gang.
With us once again to discuss Spike is Andrew Wells, a companion of Buffy Summers and her gang of slayers.
“Oh, where do I begin? Spike is the coolest vampire ever. We really bonded back in the day…yeah, we had a motorcycle ride together and discussed hors d’oeuvres. We kind of have a connection, the kind he doesn’t have with most people, because he’s afraid to be vulnerable in front of them.”
Right.
“He’s pretty sensitive if you give him a chance.”
Andrew, we’re here to discuss Spike’s fighting skills…
“Oh, okay, yeah, he’s a total bleach-blonde badass! He’s young for vampire standards, but he’s mastered all sorts of fighting styles, and has taken on tons of crazy enemies. He killed two slayers, and almost killed Buffy a number of times! And that’s a really big deal, because Buffy is, like, the Borg Queen of the slayers. On top of that, he has this crazy endurance to pain. He’s been tortured numerous times and never gives in. He’s like ten Jack Bauers in one body!”
Moving on to our next fighter, we take a look at the enigmatic vampire fighter called Blade. Blade was born at the exact moment his mother was being fed on by a vampire, which resulted in him being granted several preternatural powers, including a greatly elongated lifespan and the ability to sense other nearby supernatural creatures.
Here to discuss Blade’s combat abilities is Adriana Van Salazar, who hailed from Sunnydale (the same town as Buffy Summers) until it was destroyed. She’s a personal trainer and martial arts instructor who is fascinated by all things vampire, and has made a case study of Blade.
“Blade is a piece of work, let me tell you. You already know about his birth, but what you might not know is that later on, he was bitten by the vampire called Morbius, and given additional powers.”
So Blade is actually a vampire?
“No, he’s more of what you’d call a dhampir – a creature with all of the powers of vampires but none of the weaknesses. So, for example, he has super-strength and agility, but he can also walk in the sunlight. Best of both worlds.”
And his fighting skills?
“He’s hardcore. He uses a double-edged sword as his signature weapon — ideal for beheading vamps. He’s an expert martial artist and lethal with any…well, any blade.”
So how would he fare against Spike?
“Oh, I think I’d have to give this one to Blade. He’s just the tougher dude here.”
“Are you kidding me?” Andrew scoffs. “Spike would beat him in a nanosecond on experience and versatility alone! He’s been bad, good, dead, alive, human, vampire, ghost-vampire-thing … he sacrificed himself to save Buffy and the slayers and then came back all Spike the White, more powerful and with bigger pecs than ever before.”
“Well,” Adriana says, “Blade faced off with Dracula!”
“So did Spike! Say what you will, lady, Spike’s the bizomb.”
We feed all of the stats into our battle simulation computer, and it turns out Spike is indeed the bizomb … or at least, the victor for the most part, as the computer has him winning over 80% of the time in a battle against Blade. It turns out that Spike’s brand of vampirism, combined with his intelligence and ingenuity in battle, is just too much for his day-walking opponent.
“See? Finally that computer makes sense!” Andrew says. “Now I’m heading back to Tibet before anyone misses me.”
Be sure to join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!
Battle #8: Spike vs. Blade
Winner: Spike
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With us today to discuss the life of Elizabeth Swann is Althea Gray, an elderly resident and historian of Port Royal, Jamaica, where Elizabeth once lived.
Moving on to our next fighter, we examine a legendary woman, one whom historians have never been able to agree on which story of her life is accurate. There have been many tales told about Guinevere, Queen of Camelot, but the version we’ll be discussing today is one championed by historian Artie St. George.
“Later on, Arthur fought against the Saxons at the Battle of Badon Hill, and had it not been for Guinevere and, through her, the allegiance of the Woad people, they would have lost in a heartbeat.”
“I’ve heard stories of how tough Elizabeth Swann was, but she’d be no match for Guinevere.”
First, let’s take a look at Montoya. With us today is Sarah Morgenstern, grand-niece of Simon Morgentstern, who authored the famous book The Princess Bride, which was later abridged by William Goldman.
Takeshi is a leading expert on the historical figure of Li Mu-Bai, a warrior and champion of the Chinese martial art Wudan during the Qing Dynasty (the late 1700’s).
(Author’s Note: I am going to write this WHOLE piece without EVER using the phrase “catfight.” Check it out.)
Here to speak with us today is Cristi Wellington, who had a rather uncomfortably close relationship with Catwoman when she was abducted by the feline criminal and her partner-in-crime, Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin. For the past seventeen years, Cristi has made it her life’s work to learn more about this fascinating criminal.
Weird it is, but amazingly, this story is corroborated by our next guest, Ophelia Powers, who hails from a city similar in style to Gotham City, but isn’t actually Gotham, and –
Wow, that sounds so contrived. Nothing ruins a good supernatural mystery like explaining it, huh? Anyway, what was the real identity of the Catwoman in your city?
Let’s take a look at our fighters. First up we have gardener-turned-bodyguard Samwise Gamgee, hailing from an area of Europe that was once known as The Shire, part of the larger land mass of Middle Earth. Sam rose to fame when he joined the Fellowship of the Ring, a group dedicated to destroying the Ring of Power, during the War of the Ring.
“Nelwyns are really very similar to hobbits,” Nadia explains. “In fact, if these were just made-up stories, one might even think Nelwyns are just a total rip-off of hobbits without ever giving credit where it’s due!” She chuckles. “But of course that’s not the case.”
In ancient Greece, no warrior was more feared than the woman known as Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. Over the course of her legendary life, she fought warlords, monsters, and gods, armed with her sword, chakram, and killer gams.
And speaking of Buffy, let’s examine our other fighter. California native Buffy Summers was, for several years, the one and only Vampire Slayer, the Chosen One, the lone human warrior who will defend mankind against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. Though one girl is chosen and serves until her death, thousands of girls have the potential to be a Slayer.
“Ridiculous,” Renee scoffs. “Xena destroyed gods. She fought giants. She fended off entire armies - by herself! Buffy’s a tough cookie, no doubt, but she’s never done anything alone. She may have slayed vampires, sure, but do you really think Xena would even flinch at a vamp? Every major battle Buffy’s ever won has been because of help from her friends, some of whom, like Willow, are MORE powerful than she is!”
“Well, when Willow, who you’re clearly in lesbian love with, turned bad, Buffy fought her–”
We’ve brought in two experts to shed more light onto the situation. Up first, we have Azriel LeFeau, a resident of New Orleans and follower of the creatures of the night.
“Okay, the thing about the vampires we have here is that they are kick-ass. No matter what they were in life, they inevitably learn a style of martial arts known as Vamp Fu. It’s a lot of jumping and spin-kicking. Professional stunt people wish they could move like that. Now, from what I understand, their social behavior is similar to that of the vampires in New Orleans, in that younger vamps act as drones, more or less, for older, more powerful vamps. There’s just one noticeable difference.”
We took all of the info and fed it into the battle simulation computer. On paper, the New Orleans vampires seem more formidable: they are unaffected by garlic, crosses, and stakes through the heart. They can control the minds of mortals and read their thoughts, and with age many are able to fly. They have exceptional physical strength and speed and can mimic any physical action. Some can even set things on fire using only their mind. Many are telekinetic.
Let’s take a look at the Uruk-hai first. With us today is John “Quenya” McVoy, noted paleoanthropologist who made a name for himself studying the remnants of the civilizations of Middle Earth.
Moving to our next subject, ancient Greek historian Andros Antonopoulos has this to say about the skeleton warriors of Colchis: “When Jason, one of Greece’s first national heroes, stole the Golden Fleece from Colchis in order to claim his rightful place as King of Thessaly, he angered the King of Cochis, a man named Aeetes. Aeetes used the teeth of a fallen Hydra to create these skeleton soldiers, much like Cadmus sowing dragon’s teeth to create warriors from the ground. The skeletons almost did Jason and crew in, let me tell you. How do you kill a skeleton?”
