Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherein we match up combatants from the realm of fantasy to see who would survive in a fight to the death. Kind of like that Spike TV show. But way cooler.

And speaking of spikes, today we deal with two warriors who have never met, but would surely stack up there with the greatest matches of all time if they did.  William the Bloody, now known as Spike, is a tough-as-nails vampire punk, who kept Buffy Summers, the infamous vampire slayer, on her toes (and occasionally on her back) for years. What an interesting long-black-leather-trench-coat grudge match it would be were Spike to ever come head to head with another far less peppy vampire slayer, namely the grim warrior for good known as Blade.

So who is Spike?

Though he was of upper class origins, once turned into a vampire, William Pratt became a rebel without a soul, wantonly killing for the rush of it, and joining up with his sire, Drusilla, and he evil crew, consisting of Angelus and Darla, two of the most notorious vampires ever to come to Sunnydale. After parting ways with them, Spike and Drusilla traveled to Prague, where Drusilla was injured severely by an angry mob. Some time after this, they made their way to Sunnydale and began terrorizing Buffy Summers and her gang.

With us once again to discuss Spike is Andrew Wells, a companion of Buffy Summers and her gang of slayers.

“Oh, where do I begin? Spike is the coolest vampire ever. We really bonded back in the day…yeah, we had a motorcycle ride together and discussed hors d’oeuvres. We kind of have a connection, the kind he doesn’t have with most people, because he’s afraid to be vulnerable in front of them.”

Right.

“He’s pretty sensitive if you give him a chance.”

Andrew, we’re here to discuss Spike’s fighting skills…

“Oh, okay, yeah, he’s a total bleach-blonde badass! He’s young for vampire standards, but he’s mastered all sorts of fighting styles, and has taken on tons of crazy enemies. He killed two slayers, and almost killed Buffy a number of times! And that’s a really big deal, because Buffy is, like, the Borg Queen of the slayers. On top of that, he has this crazy endurance to pain. He’s been tortured numerous times and never gives in. He’s like ten Jack Bauers in one body!”

Moving on to our next fighter, we take a look at the enigmatic vampire fighter called Blade. Blade was born at the exact moment his mother was being fed on by a vampire, which resulted in him being granted several preternatural powers, including a greatly elongated lifespan and the ability to sense other nearby supernatural creatures.

Here to discuss Blade’s combat abilities is Adriana Van Salazar, who hailed from Sunnydale (the same town as Buffy Summers) until it was destroyed. She’s a personal trainer and martial arts instructor who is fascinated by all things vampire, and has made a case study of Blade.

“Blade is a piece of work, let me tell you. You already know about his birth, but what you might not know is that later on, he was bitten by the vampire called Morbius, and given additional powers.”

So Blade is actually a vampire?

“No, he’s more of what you’d call a dhampir – a creature with all of the powers of vampires but none of the weaknesses. So, for example, he has super-strength and agility, but he can also walk in the sunlight. Best of both worlds.”

And his fighting skills?

“He’s hardcore. He uses a double-edged sword as his signature weapon — ideal for beheading vamps. He’s an expert martial artist and lethal with any…well, any blade.”

So how would he fare against Spike?

“Oh, I think I’d have to give this one to Blade. He’s just the tougher dude here.”

“Are you kidding me?” Andrew scoffs. “Spike would beat him in a nanosecond on experience and versatility alone! He’s  been bad, good, dead, alive, human, vampire, ghost-vampire-thing … he sacrificed himself to save Buffy and the slayers and then came back all Spike the White, more powerful and with bigger pecs than ever before.”

“Well,” Adriana says, “Blade faced off with Dracula!”

“So did Spike! Say what you will, lady, Spike’s the bizomb.”

We feed all of the stats into our battle simulation computer, and it turns out Spike is indeed the bizomb … or at least, the victor for the most part, as the computer has him winning over 80% of the time in a battle against Blade. It turns out that Spike’s brand of vampirism, combined with his intelligence and ingenuity in battle, is just too much for his day-walking opponent.

“See? Finally that computer makes sense!” Andrew says. “Now I’m heading back to Tibet before anyone misses me.”

Be sure to join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Battle #8: Spike vs. Blade

Winner: Spike

Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Previously on DFW we took a look at who wold win in a fight between Spaniard fencer Inigo Montoya and Wudan master Li Mu-Bai. The winner: Li Mu-Bai and his mystical sword Green Destiny.

Today we peer into the past and match up two fierce ladies who were no stranger to battle: Elizabeth Swann, the aristocrat-turned-pirate who famously sailed the high seas with Captain Jack Sparrow, and the Woad warrior Guinevere, who eventually became the wife of Arthur and Queen of England.

With us today to discuss the life of Elizabeth Swann is Althea Gray, an elderly resident and historian of Port Royal, Jamaica, where Elizabeth once lived.

“Child, Elizabeth Turner, as is the proper name to call her, is a legend not only in Port Royal but the whole of the Caribbean. She was a fearless, driven woman, a natural pirate born into the body of a proper, noble young woman. Her association with Jack Sparrow and his crew brought out her inner pirate. In one instance, she used a basic pirate trick - deception - to sacrifice Jack Sparrow so she and the rest of the crew, including Will Turner, the love of her life, could live. The guilt later on drove her to go to the end of the world to retrieve Jack Sparrow and return him to life.”

And how was she as a fighter, Ms. Gray?

“Well, from what the histories tell us, Elizabeth was a fierce, fierce fighter. She must have been, to be involved in all those skirmishes with pirates and survived! By all accounts, she was a tough young thing, good with a sword, and whatever other weapon she had in hand. She battled cursed immortal ghouls and mortal men alike, fighting side by side with Will Turner, Jack Sparrow, and Hector Barbossa. She was also a leader - she was elected the Pirate King, if you believe it. Imagine, a woman elected Pirate King — by male pirates – at that time in history! She could rally the troops and lead the charge into battle. She was something, I tell you, child.”

Moving on to our next fighter, we examine a legendary woman, one whom historians have never been able to agree on which story of her life is accurate. There have been many tales told about Guinevere, Queen of Camelot, but the version we’ll be discussing today is one championed by historian Artie St. George.

“The true origin of the legend of King Arthur,” Artie tells us, “actually springs from the fifth century AD, when the Romans, who had occupied Britain, began to withdraw, after having battled the native Woads and the ever-invading Saxons for centuries. Arthur, or more accurately Arturius Castus, was a half-Roman, half- Celtic military commander,and was charged with rescuing an endangered noble family. Turns out the head of that family had captured and entombed Guinevere. Arthur freed her, and it turned out to be the best move he could have made.”

Why?

“Later on, Arthur fought against the Saxons at the Battle of Badon Hill, and had it not been for Guinevere and, through her, the allegiance of the Woad people, they would have lost in a heartbeat.”

What were Guinevere’s fighting skills?

“Savage,” Artie tells us. “Woads were highly trained warriors and masters of pretty much all of the martial technology of the time: swords, axes, bows and arrows, whips, you name it. They could fight in packs or just go at it one on one. They never retreated from battle. To do so, for a Woad, would earn them disdain from their fellow warriors. Let’s put it this way: they didn’t lose a lot of fights.”

So how would you place her chances going toe to toe with famed Pirate Elizabeth Swann?

“I’ve heard stories of how tough Elizabeth Swann was, but she’d be no match for Guinevere.”

Overhearing this, Althea interjects. “Oh, honey, I wouldn’t be so sure. Elizabeth Turner — again, she was married — could take on pirate after pirate and not break a sweat. You, for example, couldn’t last two seconds fighting her.”

Artie replies, “Yeah, I’m not going to get roped into a smack-talking situation with an old lady, okay? Just run the stats through the damn computer.”

Run the stats we do, and as it turns out, Artie was right — our battle simulation computer had Guinevere winning the fight 79% of the time. It would seem her martial prowess, lifetime of physical training, and knowledge of many different styles of weaponry giver her the edge over the tough young pirate.

Funny how their artist renderings look alike, though, isn’t it? The resemblance is uncanny.

Join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Battle #7: Elizabeth Swann vs. Guinevere

Winner: Guinevere

Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

So far this season we’ve taken a look at fighters from lands as varied as Middle Earth, ancient Greece, Gotham City, and Sunnydale, California. Well, you can add China and Spain to the list, for our two warriors today are the master of Wudan, Li Mu-Bai, and the wizard of fencing, Inigo Montoya!

First, let’s take a look at Montoya. With us today is Sarah Morgenstern, grand-niece of Simon Morgentstern, who authored the famous book The Princess Bride, which was later abridged by William Goldman.

“Many people assume The Princess Bride is a work of fiction,” she tells us. “But in fact it’s an amalgamation of many of the true histories of Florin. Inigo Montoya was most certainly a real person. Everything that occurs to him in the book really happened.”

So what can you tell us about his fighting style?

“Montoya trained his entire life in the exquisite art of Spanish fencing. His sword was legendary. One of the greatest masters in fencing in the world, a man named Westley who bore the title of the Dread Pirate Roberts, was barely a match for Inigo, and in fact Westley passed the title on to him when he retired. Besides Westley, not a swordsman alive could defeat Inigo. Here, take a look at this recreation of his famous duel with the Dread Pirate Roberts.”

At this point, our other expert, Takeshi Yimou, chimes in.

“Very impressive, Ms. Morgenstern, but his movements are clumsy. Nothing compared to the acrobatic agility of the students of Wudan.”

Takeshi is a leading expert on the historical figure of Li Mu-Bai, a warrior and champion of the Chinese martial art Wudan during the Qing Dynasty (the late 1700’s).

“Li Mu-Bai was the deadliest person alive with his sword, the Green Destiny. Unlike the barbaric, clumsy cleaving sword of the west, the Green Destiny was light and agile, and yet capable of delivering devastating blows. Students of Wudan made their bodies like their swords — light as air but deadly as steel.

No man or woman, living or dead, is a match for Li Mu-Bai. The closest anyone came was a young woman named Jen. She was perhaps the second greatest master of Wudan after Mu-Bai, no small feat considering Wudan was only a taught to men, and she learned in secret from her master, who was also a woman.

But in the end, even Jen could not overpower Li Mu-Bai.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Sarah interrupts. “He could fly?!”

“Well, not fly exactly. Wudan masters could manipulate the air and ride along wind currents. As I said, they made their bodies like their swords and –”

“He could freakin’ fly!? That’s ridonculous! I thought this was supposed to be a sword fight!”

Well, a sword fight it is, and with that in mind, we feed all the stats into our battle simulation computer. Inigo Montoya is a fierce, agile fencer, merciless with his Spanish steel, and while his mastery cannot be questioned, the move set of the Spanish fencers simply didn’t have counters for the type of attack that would come from a Wudan swordsman (or swordswoman). The computer showed Li Mu-Bai winning almost 95% of the simulations.

“Well, sure, who could win against a moveset like this Wudan business?” Sarah grumbles.

“If you like, I could teach you Wudan,” Takeshi tells her. “The ban on teaching women was lifted a century ago, and you seem like the type of person who enjoys a challenge.”

“Well,” Sarah says, “all right. But only if you buy me dinner first.”

As they leave hand in hand, we can all appreciate this is not how these conversation usually end, so if you want carnage, be sure to join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Battle #6: Li Mu-Bai vs. Inigo Montoya

Winner: Li Mu-Bai

(Author’s Note: I am going to write this WHOLE piece without EVER using the phrase “catfight.” Check it out.)

Welcome back, gorehounds, to the latest installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherin we match up two ferocious warriors in a battle to the death to see who will emerge victorious! Kinda like that Spike TV show. If that show were as cool as we are. Which it isn’t.

Throughout the centuries, female warriors have channeled certain types of animals when engaging in battle, even as far back as the Ancient Egyptians, which featured a warrior goddess known as Sekhmet, who was part woman, part lioness. Here in this country, there have been two women of note who have assumed the mantle of the cat, and both women referred to themselves by the same rather unimaginative moniker: Catwoman.

In 1992, there were reports in Gotham City of a woman who was taking to the rooftops and causing all sorts of mayhem while dressed in a black rubber cat costume. Some sources linked her to Batman, the city’s resident hero, who similarly takes to the night in a black rubber costume, this one inspired by a bat.

Here to speak with us today is Cristi Wellington, who had a rather uncomfortably close relationship with Catwoman when she was abducted by the feline criminal and her partner-in-crime, Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin. For the past seventeen years, Cristi has made it her life’s work to learn more about this fascinating criminal.

“Well, when I was kidnapped, it was back in my modeling days. I was the Ice Princess, which basically meant I got to push a button and light up the big Gotham City Christmas Tree. It sounds easy, but it was really hard work! I had to wear a corset and heels, and do you know how difficult it is to use your fine motor skills in that kind of outfit?”

No. No, I do not. But as for Catwoman…

“Oh, right. Well, after the incident, this reporter lady named Vicki Vale and I teamed up to do some investigative journalism. We researched everything we could find on Catwoman. For one thing, we’re pretty sure her real name was Selina Kyle, and she used to work as a secretary for some big suit guy. But here’s the thing: some homeless guy was in an alley when he heard this huge crash, and saw this woman matching Selina Kyle’s description fall out of a skyscraper window, like she was pushed! He said that she fell and looked dead for a minute, but then all these cats showed up and started making out with her and stuff, and she came back to life! Isn’t that weird?”

Weird it is, but amazingly, this story is corroborated by our next guest, Ophelia Powers, who hails from a city similar in style to Gotham City, but isn’t actually Gotham, and –

I’m sorry, Ms. Powers, did anyone tell you you look just like the mom on Six Feet Under?

“Oh, yes, dear, I have been told that before,” she says.

Right, moving on. The Catwoman in your city…she was a different woman?

“Indeed she was,” Ophelia tells us. “Catwomen have been around since the beginning of time. They are chosen by the goddess Bast to be her emissaries and her disciples, and are gifted with great powers by cats, Bast’s earthly vessels, at the time of their death, just like what Ms. Wellington told you of this Selina Kyle person.”

Wow, that sounds so contrived. Nothing ruins a good supernatural mystery like explaining it, huh? Anyway, what was the real identity of the Catwoman in your city?

“I’m afraid I can’t divulge to you the identity of our Catwoman, but suffice it to say she was a remarkable woman. I remember back when I first met Patience –”

So her name was Patience?

“Oh, crap.”

All right, ladies, the backstory is very interesting, but we have a focus here. This is, after all, a hypothetical trial of combat. So, what can you tell me about their individual fighting styles?

“Well,” Cristi says, “Selina Kyle was a brutal fighter. She attacked everyone, criminal, victim, and hero alike. In fact, we even have some footage here.”

“As you can see, she could take down a man in seconds, and she was slightly, um…let’s say unstable? To be nice? As she got more experience fighting, she got better at it, and once she added a whip to her arsenal, forget it. Lethal.”

“As is the way with all the disciples of Bast,” Ophelia interjects, “which you can see from this surveillance footage.”

Hmm. That looks a lot like capoeira, the Brazilian martial art.

“Oh, goodness, that’s certainly beyond my area of expertise, child. It’s an example of the ferocity of all women who have been endowed with the spirit of Bast.”

No, but it’s exactly the moves of capoeira. Bast was an Egyptian goddess, right? It just doesn’t seem all that accurate or even make much sense –

“It’s the power of Bast!!”

Fine. We feed the information into our battle simulation computer, which takes into account that while the Catwoman whose first name was Patience did manage to best many opponents at once, her dance-like acrobatics could become unwieldy, awkward, and not too effective, not to mention she never once drew blood. Selina Kyle, on the other hand, was pure rage in female form, turning her body into a backflipping time bomb, and slicing the hell out of anyone who got in her way. The results showed her winning the fight 89% of the time.

“Well, really,” Ms. Powers states, “how can a person pit one disciple of Bast against another?”

“This has nothing to do with freakin’ Bast!” Cristi shouts. “Stop ruining Catwoman!”

Battle #5: Catwoman (Selina Kyle) vs. Catwoman (Patience Philips)

Winner: Catwoman (Selina Kyle)

Join us next time for DEADLY FANTASY WARRIOR!

Welcome back, bloodhounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherein we match up fantasy characters to see who will emerge victorious in battle. Kinda like that Spike TV show. But better.

After last week’s epic battle between the two titans that are Xena and Buffy, we now turn our gaze slightly downward for this week’s clash between two diminutive warriors. Diminutive in size, that is, but certainly not in spirit.

Who will win when fierce hobbit Samwise “The Brave” Gamgee takes on the heroic and fearless Nelwyn, Willow Ufgood?

Let’s take a look at our fighters. First up we have gardener-turned-bodyguard Samwise Gamgee, hailing from an area of Europe that was once known as The Shire, part of the larger land mass of Middle Earth. Sam rose to fame when he joined the Fellowship of the Ring, a group dedicated to destroying the Ring of Power, during the War of the Ring.

Joining us today is John “Quenya” McVoy, a paleoanthropologist who specializes in the history of Middle Earth. He is also a biographer of many noted names from the War of the Ring, including Sam Gamgee.

“Sam was the most perfect friend you could hope for — loyal to an absolute fault, loving, caring…he was a servant to Frodo Baggins, the famous hobbit hero of the War of the Ring, but what’s more, he was his best friend. He accompanied Frodo on the insanely dangerous journey into Mordor, and by all accounts, he never once complained.”

Loyalty is great, but how would such a gentle soul fare in a fight?

“Don’t underestimate hobbits, man. They’ll cut a bitch.”

Really?

“They’re not violent creatures per se, but history has shown time and again that when confronted, hobbits will rise to the task. They’ll fight if they believe in what they’re fighting for. They can wield daggers like swords, and their aim with rocks is legendary. Sam, specifically, was an astonishingly sound fighter. He defeated a giant spider in battle, and I mean GIANT spider. He also took on Orc after Orc after Orc when he charged into enemy lines to rescue Frodo Baggins. He’ll eff you up, no doubt. Bad-ass things come in small packages.”

Which segues nicely into our next warrior, Willow Ufgood. Here to speak on Willow’s behalf is Nadia Fink, author of He’s Just Nelwyn Into You: a Daikini’s Journey. Nadia has studied the customs and folkways of the Nelwyn race for years, and is the leading expert on this mysterious race.

“Nelwyns are really very similar to hobbits,” Nadia explains. “In fact, if these were just made-up stories, one might even think Nelwyns are just a total rip-off of hobbits without ever giving credit where it’s due!” She chuckles. “But of course that’s not the case.”

Uh-huh. So let’s get with the carnage. Can Willow kick ass?

“Oh, certainly. For a while he traveled with a roguish swordsman named Madmartigan, and he certainly learned a thing or two about heroism from him. But really, it’s not in physical combat where Willow’s greatest strengths lie. His greatest ambition was to be a sorcerer. When he went on the famous adventure to save the infant Elora Danan, he was under training from the powerful sorceress Fin Raziel. He also was armed with magic acorns that turned an enemy into stone. ”

Whoa, whoa. This is a fight, not a magical battle. Can Willow still deliver the goods if he’s not using magic?

“Most definitely,” Nadia claims. “Willow can hack and slash with the best of the under-four-feet crowd.”

“Doubtful,” McVoy chimes in. “I’ve done some research into Nelwyns. He got nothin’.”

We feed the stats into our battle simulation computer, recounting the specifics. Sam battled Orcs, who were well over twice his height and monstroudly strong. As mentioned before, he also fought and defeated the giant spider, Shelob. But most impressively, he resisted the call of the Ring of Power and surrendered it willingly to another, which implies a force of will almost unrivaled among mortalkind. Willow, on the other hand, did battle soldiers, but they were just humans, not Orcs. Furthermore, most of his offense consisted of throwing magic acorns, and during the storming of Nockmaar Castle, he stayed mostly hidden until saving the day with parlor tricks.

The end results showed Samwise the Brave winning the fight 94% of the time.

“Booyah, Gramma!” McVoy shouts in victory. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

Battle #4: Sam Gamgee vs. Willow Ufgood

Winner: Sam Gamgee

Join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Bloodthirsty of the world, unite!

Here we are again for another round of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, our regular column where we match up warriors from the realms of fantasy to determine who is the most lethal in combat. Like that show on SpikeTV. But way more awesome.

Today’s battle spans millenia and is a grudge match that has long been the subject of popular debate, as both opponents are combat royalty.

In ancient Greece, no warrior was more feared than the woman known as Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. Over the course of her legendary life, she fought warlords, monsters, and gods, armed with her sword, chakram, and killer gams.

She was called the Warrior Princess, and no greater hero was ever known in all of Greece. (There are a few stories about some dude named Hercules, but no one seems too interested.)

Xena was a master of many forms of combat, from standard swordplay to exotic eastern martial arts, and she possessed a lethal knowledge of pressure points.

Our expert guest with knowledge of all things Xena is Renee Covington, the granddaughter of famed archaeologist Janis Covington who first discovered the artifacts known as the “Xena scrolls,” thus shedding light on who this woman really was.

“She was almost superhuman,” Renee tells us. “In fact, there is a possibility that she was the daughter of Ares, although that’s debatable depending on who you talk to.”

And what of the Xena scrolls’ mention that she and Ares had a romantic past?

“Gross, right? Yeah. Best not to think about it too much. But if you want to talk about how Xena would fare in a one-on-one against Buffy? Please. No contest. Xena all the way.”

And speaking of Buffy, let’s examine our other fighter. California native Buffy Summers was, for several years, the one and only Vampire Slayer, the Chosen One, the lone human warrior who will defend mankind against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. Though one girl is chosen and serves until her death, thousands of girls have the potential to be a Slayer.

In 2003, Buffy’s friend, powerful witch Willow Rosenburg, cast a spell so that every girl with the potential for the Slayer’s power received it, literally creating an army of super-powered women. These days, they’re up to all sorts of shenanigans. Buffy’s friend, Andrew Wells, was kind enough to drop in and lend his expertise about the Slayer and her powers.

“Um, I don’t think you understand how awesome she is. I know, because I use to fight against her as an evil genius before I turned good and now Mr. Giles has trained me to be a Watcher so I’m in charge of a lot of Slayers, which is mostly turning out okay even though this one girl with a mohawk named Simone went bad, and she was in my team but it wasn’t technically my fault, you see, because…”

When he paused to inhale, we asked him how, in his professional opinion, he thought Buffy would fare in a one-on-one match against Xena.

“Oh, she would kick that warrior princess’s perfectly toned lady butt!” he exclaims. “Buffy is a kung fu mama. She’s even tougher than the Bionic Woman! And I mean the new Bionic Woman, not Lindsay Wagner, even though Lindsay Wagner’s version of Jamie Sommers was arguably better because –”

“Ridiculous,” Renee scoffs. “Xena destroyed gods. She fought giants. She fended off entire armies - by herself! Buffy’s a tough cookie, no doubt, but she’s never done anything alone. She may have slayed vampires, sure, but do you really think Xena would even flinch at a vamp? Every major battle Buffy’s ever won has been because of help from her friends, some of whom, like Willow, are MORE powerful than she is!”

“Yeah, but–” Andrew says.

Renee cuts him off. “No one’s saying Buffy isn’t a great warrior, but Xena has simply been up against bigger challenges, and won.”

“But Buffy killed the Mayor who turned into a giant snake!” Andrew cries.

“An assload of TNT killed the Mayor, and Buffy needed her entire graduating class to fend off the vampire army he assembled!” Renee replies.

“Buffy killed Glorificus, a god! Well, technically Mr. Giles did when she was in the body of Human Ben, but Buffy could have. She gave her a major slayer smackdown and stuff.”

“That’s one god, and she was just a demigod from some Hell dimension. How many gods has Xena beaten in battle?”

“Buffy beat up Dracula!”

“Xena beat up THE DEVIL!”

“Buffy killed that Adam guy, who was like a monster machine Frankenstein thing -”

“With the help of Willow and two others, who cast a spell and shared their power with her,” Renee says.

“Well, when Willow, who you’re clearly in lesbian love with, turned bad, Buffy fought her–”

“And was beat down,” Renee answers. “It was Xander who stopped Willow with a few choice words. All Buffy did was use her face to bruise Willow’s knuckles.”

“Buffy destroyed the First Evil!”

“No, she didn’t. She just fought against the army of Turok-Khans, but even then she was just one of dozens of slayers fighting. And it was that magic amulet thing Angel gave her that really won the battle, not Buffy’s fighting skills.”

Andrew turns to us and whines, “I don’t like her. She’s too know-it-all.”

Know-it-all though Renee may be, she’s also quite correct, according to our battle simulation computer. While Buffy is an extremely powerful warrior, she doesn’t quite live up to all of the battles, the experience, and the martial know-how of the ancient Warrior Princess, Xena. Our simulations showed Xena winning 68% of the time. Not a landslide victory, but a victory nonetheless.

“This test is fixed. I’m going back to Scotland,” Andrew yells at us as he leaves.

Join us next time for another edition of DEADLIEST FANTASY WARRIOR!

Battle #3: Xena vs. Buffy

Winner: Xena

Hello, fans of blood, gore, and general yuckiness, and welcome to another installment of the column that, like the Spike TV hit Deadliest Warrior, pits famous warriors against each other. (But in our case, we match famous fantasy warriors!)

Last time we checked in to see who would win in a fight between an Uruk-hai and a Skeleton Warrior. The result? A complete bonebath as the Uruk stood victorious.

This week we turn our attention to a grudge match that has been going on for a while among aficionados of the undead. Vampires are, of course, a force to be reckoned with, and while the general rules tend to be the same — drink human blood, killed by sunlight — the details changedepending on which pack of blood-drinkers you’re dealing with.

For example, according to vampire journalist Anne Rice, vampires have no aversion to crucifixes at all, whereas in the laws explained to us by student of the undead Joss Whedon, if a cross touches a vampire, said vamp will sizzle and burn, and eventually die.

We’ve brought in two experts to shed more light onto the situation. Up first, we have Azriel LeFeau, a resident of New Orleans and follower of the creatures of the night.

“The thing to remember about vampires,” moans Azriel, “is that they are here, walking among us, seeing our world with supernatural eyes and longing to be part of it, and yet they can never be so. Their greatest gift is their greatest tragedy. And that, my friend, that is their beauty.”

He wipes a tear from his eye, smearing his Midnight Black Eyeliner.

“You think you know what it is to feel? You can never know truly what a feeling is until you’ve been given the Dark Gift.”

Uh-huh. But what about taking on a Sunnydale vamp?

“It’s simple. The vampires in California are weak, but even worse, they’re ugly. What’s with their faces? That squished skin thing above their eyes? Ew. Vampires should be beautiful. Plus, Sunnydale vampires have too much fun. They should understand that life is nothing but pain.”

Moving on, we now take a closer look at said squished-skinned vampires. Joining us for this exercise is Adriana Van Salazar, a personal trainer and martial arts instructor living in Sunnydale, California.

“Okay, the thing about the vampires we have here is that they are kick-ass. No matter what they were in life, they inevitably learn a style of martial arts known as Vamp Fu. It’s a lot of jumping and spin-kicking. Professional stunt people wish they could move like that. Now, from what I understand, their social behavior is similar to that of the vampires in New Orleans, in that younger vamps act as drones, more or less, for older, more powerful vamps. There’s just one noticeable difference.”

Which is?

“The New Orleans vampires are pussies.”

So you’re hedging your bets on the Sunnydale vampires, then?

“No contest. They would cream those N’Arleans bloodsuckers.”

“Impossible!” Azriel shouts. “Those brainless Californian vampires could destroy the likes of Lestat de Lioncourt?!”

“Well, not just any one of them could. The newer ones would probably be get a beat down, but if you’re talking about someone like Spike or Angel … hell, even Drusilla, then yeah.”

“But, but..” Azriel sputters, “do they know how to feel?”

Adriana’s retort? “Yo, seriously, where did you find this kid?”

We took all of the info and fed it into the battle simulation computer. On paper, the New Orleans vampires seem more formidable: they are unaffected by garlic, crosses, and stakes through the heart. They can control the minds of mortals and read their thoughts, and with age many are able to fly. They have exceptional physical strength and speed and can mimic any physical action. Some can even set things on fire using only their mind. Many are telekinetic.

The Sunnydale vampires, on the other hand, are prey to almost all the classic vampire-killing methods: stakes, crosses, holy water, beheading, etc. Their mind powers are pretty much nil.

The result?

New Orleans vampires win in 95% of our battle simulations.

“Shenanigans!” Adriana yells.

Azriel, in a surprisingly upbeat motion, jumps up and down giddily. “See? I told you! Not so tough now, are — ”

He is unable to finish his sentence and Adriana spin-kicks him in the face.

Join us next time for the third installment of Deadliest FANTASY Warrior!

Battle #2: Joss Whedon’s Vampires vs. Anne Rice’s Vampires

Winner: Anne Rice’sVampires

The hit Spike TV series Deadliest Warrior pits famous warriors from history against each other, but in this new column, we do one better: we match famous FANTASY warriors.

Opponents will be matched up and discussed with a panel of experts, and we’ll delve into their combat styles and weaponry.

And like Deadliest Warrior, we’ll declare a victor about who would win a fight between them!

For our first match up, we’ll be pairing up two very different types of soldier: the Uruk-hai of Isengard, Middle-Earth, and the skeleton warriors of Colchis, most noted for battling Jason and the Argonauts in their quest for the Golden Fleece.

Let’s take a look at the Uruk-hai first. With us today is John “Quenya” McVoy, noted paleoanthropologist who made a name for himself studying the remnants of the civilizations of Middle Earth.

“An important thing to remember about the Fighting Uruk-hai,” says McVoy, “is that they aren’t regular orcs. These were a special breed of orcs created by the evil wizard Saruman in the Third Age during the War of the Ring. They were taller, stronger, and better warriors than your standard orc. They were resistant to sunlight, possibly due to the theory that Saruman created them by cross-breeding orcs and men.”

According to McVoy, Saruman’s Uruk-hai used broad-sided blades of some unknown but surely evil alloy. Their armor was of the same make, and in a show of bravery and fierceness, only their fronts were armored - the idea being an Uruk-hai never ran from battle, so his back needed no armor.

Wielding the sword for us, McVoy shows us the brutal cutting motion that was the primary move of the Uruk-hai’s fencing style. When performed on our test dummy, the sword went clean through the plastic.

Moving to our next subject, ancient Greek historian Andros Antonopoulos has this to say about the skeleton warriors of Colchis: “When Jason, one of Greece’s first national heroes, stole the Golden Fleece from Colchis in order to claim his rightful place as King of Thessaly, he angered the King of Cochis, a man named Aeetes. Aeetes used the teeth of a fallen Hydra to create these skeleton soldiers, much like Cadmus sowing dragon’s teeth to create warriors from the ground. The skeletons almost did Jason and crew in, let me tell you. How do you kill a skeleton?”

When asked how they would fare in a fight against the Uruk-hai, Antonopoulos posits, “Oh, no contest. The skeleton would win!”

Overhearing this, McVoy interjects, “Are you kidding me? A bag of bones going up against one of the most lethal killing machines of the Third Age? There would be nothing left but broken bones and the sweet, sweet smell of marrow.”

“We’ll see,” Antonopoulos says. We set up our dummy as Antonopoulos explained their fighting style. “It was pretty simple, straight-forward offensive. They moved in a kind of jerky motion, being just bones - no sinew or muscle. If you can picture it, it probably looked a lot like stop-motion animation! They did carry shields, despite having no vital organs to protect. But they were primarily hackers and slashers, using the iron short sword, not atypical of that era.”

We had dressed our dummy in the Uruk-hai armor to give Antonopoulos an idea of what the battle might be like. “As anyone can see,” Antonopoulos points out,” the Uruk-hai armor is weak at the neck and beneath the arm. A skeleton warrior would see that.” He then picks up the iron short sword and slides it cleanly through what would be an Uruk’s neck.

With all the parameters in place, we did the final test. We fed all of this information into our computer for battle simulations. What we discovered surprised no one … except Antonopoulos. Each time we ran the simulation, the two combatants charged and ran full-force into each other. This was the result:

Battle #1: Uruk-hai VS. Skeleton Warrior

Winner: Uruk-hai