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Fantasy’s Ten Stupidest Moments

Posted on 04 March 2009

Tags: Bridge to Terabithia, C.S. Lewis, City of Ember, Eragon, Excalibur, Harry Potter, Ladyhawke, Legend, Opinion, Peter Pan, The Last Battle

Like any genre, fantasy has had its share of groaning-inducing moments, in both books and film. Here are my picks for some of the absolute worst:

(1) The Giant Mole in City of Ember

In last year’s fantasy-esque movie City of Ember, about the mystery surrounding an underground city, it wasn’t enough to merely stick to the terrifically fast-paced children’s book by Jeanne Duprau on which the movie was based.

No, they had to go and add “action” and “excitement” — in the form of a giant mole. The creature shows up, completely unexplained, for a single scene, almost destroys an entire building, and then disappears again, with absolutely no mention or panic from the residents of Ember. Then at the very end, the giant mole suddenly shows up again in the most blatant case of deux-ex-machina since Ancient Greece.

The movie wasn’t great, but it was better than the studio executive who made them add that stupid giant mole.

Hiding from Ember’s stupid mole

(2) The Tri-Wizard Tournament in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

The tasks in Goblet of Fire’s Tri-Wizard Tournament always struck me as credibility-stretchers, even within a world of wizardry. Fourteen year-old Harry has to risk being killed by a dragon?

But the second task, where Harry is required to find “important objects” in Hogwart’s Lake, is by far the most ridiculous. What are those “important objects”? Four of Harry’s friends, submerged in the lake, on the verge of death if Harry doesn’t rescue them.

If it’s all an illusion, what’s the point? But it seems pretty clear that it’s not all an illusion, especially since there is talk about how the tournament was previously discontinued for being “too dangerous.”

In other words, Dumbledore and the other teachers are just standing by while four students might die if Harry fails the task — all in the name of tradition? (Yes, yes, Dumbledore later says the whole point was to root out Voldemorte. But risking the lives of children?!)

A ridiculous plot contrivance in an otherwise interesting series.

Goblet’s stupid “task”

(3) C.S. Lewis’ Intrusive Religious Views in The Last Battle

Obviously Lewis intended his Chronicles of Narnia to be an allegory for his Christian religious beliefs, which is all well and good. But what made the books timeless classics for even non-Christians is that the stories work on several levels: the religious allegory one, but also a universal, literary one.

In short, you don’t need to be Christian to enjoy the books.

At least until The Last Battle. In the seventh book in the series, Lewis gives his inner Christian completely free reign, writing a book about “final judgment” and heaven — with a preachy, ham-fisted plot that makes almost no sense unless you’re a Christian, and subscribe to the beliefs of that mythos.

The disaster that is The Last Battle can’t mar the simple beauty of the six books that come before. But it’s a disappointment nonetheless.

(4) The Trailer for Bridge to Terabithia

As anyone who’s ever read Katherine Peterson’s classic children’s novel Bridge to Terabithia knows, it’s the understated story of two teenagers who concoct a pretend fantasy world to combat the horrors of their real lives — and the touching 2007 movie, with only modest special effects, was pretty faithful to the book’s vision.

But the trailer for that film, in one of the most misleading advertising campaigns of all time, tried to fool people who hadn’t read the book into thinking that the movie was the story of two kids who find an elaborate, and actual, fantasy world:

The stupidly misleading Terabithia trailer

(5) The “Suit of Armor” Sex in Excalibur

In Excalibur, John Boorman’s 1981 film about the Arthurian legend, Uther pretends to be the Duke of Cornwall in order to seduce his wife, Igrayne. What disguise does he use? A full suit of armor.

In other words, he has sex with her wearing a full suit of armor.

Is this even possible? Wouldn’t a cloak have worked just as well — or how about just turning out the lights?

A cause for laughter in an otherwise excellent film.

(6) Peter Pan’s Ridiculous Racism and Sexism

I’m not sure which is more exasperating about Disney’s 1953 animated film Peter Pan: the parade of shockingly racist Native American stereotypes in, or its sexist portayal of females as spiteful and petulant (Tinker Bell) or completely passive and worthy of only contempt (Wendy).

Okay, I give up: it’s the racism. This clip is so offensive it makes me want to take a shower:

Peter Pan’s stupid racism

(7) Eragon

Don’t get me started.

(8) The Synthesizers in Ladyhawke

This one seems stupid only in retrospect. The 1985 movie Ladyhawke is the story of a pair of doomed lovers who can never be together — one turns into a hawk during the day, while the other is a wolf at night. At the time, it probably seemed like a good idea to give it a more contemporary, teen-friendly feel by having Alan Parsons compose a synth-heavy score.

But oh, how times change! Though the movie is set in medieval times, the distracting mid-80s score now inspires only mood-destroying laughter:

Ladyhawke’s now- stupid music

(9) Tom Cruise Apologizing to a Unicorn in Legend

Ridley Scott’s 1985 fantasy film Legend had an incredible look. The script? Not so incredible.

In just one of many cringe-inducing moments, Tom Cruise apologizes to a unicorn for stealing its horn, and setting all manner of evil into motion.

And hey! More mid-80s synthesizers!

One of many stupid scenes in Legend

(10) Jim Carrey in A Series of Unfortunate Events

Honestly, has the man not already ruined enough movies?

Carrey stupidly hamming it up