Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

So far this season we’ve taken a look at fighters from lands as varied as Middle Earth, ancient Greece, Gotham City, and Sunnydale, California. Well, you can add China and Spain to the list, for our two warriors today are the master of Wudan, Li Mu-Bai, and the wizard of fencing, Inigo Montoya!

First, let’s take a look at Montoya. With us today is Sarah Morgenstern, grand-niece of Simon Morgentstern, who authored the famous book The Princess Bride, which was later abridged by William Goldman.

“Many people assume The Princess Bride is a work of fiction,” she tells us. “But in fact it’s an amalgamation of many of the true histories of Florin. Inigo Montoya was most certainly a real person. Everything that occurs to him in the book really happened.”

So what can you tell us about his fighting style?

“Montoya trained his entire life in the exquisite art of Spanish fencing. His sword was legendary. One of the greatest masters in fencing in the world, a man named Westley who bore the title of the Dread Pirate Roberts, was barely a match for Inigo, and in fact Westley passed the title on to him when he retired. Besides Westley, not a swordsman alive could defeat Inigo. Here, take a look at this recreation of his famous duel with the Dread Pirate Roberts.”

At this point, our other expert, Takeshi Yimou, chimes in.

“Very impressive, Ms. Morgenstern, but his movements are clumsy. Nothing compared to the acrobatic agility of the students of Wudan.”

Takeshi is a leading expert on the historical figure of Li Mu-Bai, a warrior and champion of the Chinese martial art Wudan during the Qing Dynasty (the late 1700’s).

“Li Mu-Bai was the deadliest person alive with his sword, the Green Destiny. Unlike the barbaric, clumsy cleaving sword of the west, the Green Destiny was light and agile, and yet capable of delivering devastating blows. Students of Wudan made their bodies like their swords — light as air but deadly as steel.

No man or woman, living or dead, is a match for Li Mu-Bai. The closest anyone came was a young woman named Jen. She was perhaps the second greatest master of Wudan after Mu-Bai, no small feat considering Wudan was only a taught to men, and she learned in secret from her master, who was also a woman.

But in the end, even Jen could not overpower Li Mu-Bai.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Sarah interrupts. “He could fly?!”

“Well, not fly exactly. Wudan masters could manipulate the air and ride along wind currents. As I said, they made their bodies like their swords and –”

“He could freakin’ fly!? That’s ridonculous! I thought this was supposed to be a sword fight!”

Well, a sword fight it is, and with that in mind, we feed all the stats into our battle simulation computer. Inigo Montoya is a fierce, agile fencer, merciless with his Spanish steel, and while his mastery cannot be questioned, the move set of the Spanish fencers simply didn’t have counters for the type of attack that would come from a Wudan swordsman (or swordswoman). The computer showed Li Mu-Bai winning almost 95% of the simulations.

“Well, sure, who could win against a moveset like this Wudan business?” Sarah grumbles.

“If you like, I could teach you Wudan,” Takeshi tells her. “The ban on teaching women was lifted a century ago, and you seem like the type of person who enjoys a challenge.”

“Well,” Sarah says, “all right. But only if you buy me dinner first.”

As they leave hand in hand, we can all appreciate this is not how these conversation usually end, so if you want carnage, be sure to join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

Battle #6: Li Mu-Bai vs. Inigo Montoya

Winner: Li Mu-Bai