Some fantasy films are made and immediately become a part of the cultural zeitgeist, integrating themselves into pop culture and slang, so that every movie-goer worth his or her salt understands a reference to Middle Earth, or can tell you what happens when you flick and swish your wand, chanting “Wingardium Leviosa.”

But not every film can be a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Some films are made and, through no fault of their own, never manage to find the enormous mainstream success that is so coveted. When this happens, these movies are banished to an ethereal storage dimension called the Cave of Forgotten Tales, and become lost to time.

But here in the offices of TheTorchOnline.com, we have a portal to this mysterious dimension, and from time to time, we venture into this cave, looking for the blockbusters that might, could, or should have been.

And then we review them.

Trick ‘r Treat

Five Torches (Out of Five)

This film first became known to many by the online buzz that surrounded its initial screenings, and inexplicably it never received a mass commercial release before going to DVD. Inexplicably, you see, because Trick ‘r Treat is hands down one of the best Halloween movies to come out in years.

The cast is stellar, and as a full-fledged geek, I was excited to discover both Anna Paquin and Brian Cox were starring, as they both starred in one of my favorite superhero films, X2: X-Men United.(Not coincidentally, the film is “presented” by Bryan Singer, the director X2, and written and directed by Michael Dougherty, who cowrote the screenplay for X2.)

Of course, these days Paquin is much better known for her role as Sookie in True Blood, and that is much closer in theme and feel to Trick ‘r Treat.

One of the elements that make the movie so great is it simultaneous feels very current, yet is also something of a refreshing throwback, largely due to its anthology nature.

Writer/director Michael Dougherty crafts four interweaving stories involving a couple who are wrapping up their Halloween celebrations, a psychotic school principle, a group of oversexed coeds, and five young teens playing a dangerous prank. Dougherty plays a bit with the timeline so that dead characters can reappear very much alive, but never so much so that it becomes confusing, and indeed that extra tweak pushes the screenplay from clever to masterful.

In an era overrun with dismal, disgusting horror movies like the Saw and Hostel films, which require absolutely no imagination to make or enjoy, Trick ‘r Treat is a visual feast, with a lush, colorful palette that makes the tamer scenes feel like a safe oasis. Of course, this feat just makes the scary moments downright terrifying, and all of this adds to the effect that the movie accomplishes so well: it’s fun. Scary, yes, but fun.

While there isn’t a single weak like in the cast, the standout performance of the film would have to be Dylan Baker as the psycho principal/serial killer, who is at times chilling, engrossing, and often very funny. At one point, he even garners sympathy. And that’s after we saw him murder a child.

Trick ‘r Treat, if there is any justice in the world, will become a staple of Halloween viewing, and at a slim 82 minutes, it’s a good length for party-viewing. I know what I’ll be watching at my party come October.

Some fantasy films are made and immediately become a part of the cultural zeitgeist, integrating themselves into pop culture and slang, so that every movie-goer worth his or her salt understands a reference to Middle Earth, or can tell you what happens when you flick and swish your wand, chanting “Wingardium Leviosa.”

But not every film can be a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Some films are made and, through no fault of their own, never manage to find the enormous mainstream success that is so coveted. When this happens, these movies are banished to an ethereal storage dimension called the Cave of Forgotten Tales, and become lost to time.

But here in the offices of TheTorchOnline.com, we have a portal to this mysterious dimension, and from time to time, we venture into this cave, looking for the blockbusters that might, could, or should have been.

And then we review them.

Gabriel

Two and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

I’m a sucker for fantasy yarns that deal with Christian mythology. I’m not sure why, exactly — it may have something to do with having read Garth Ennis’s Preacher series one summer in my youth and being blown away by what was on those very graphic, violent pages. At any rate, I think the idea of angels kicking ass is kind of neat.

It could be that adolescent part of my male psyche that refuses to grow up. Angels are, after all, seen by many religious folk as a comforting presence, messengers sent by God to deliver news, or to heal the sick, or to console those in pain. And yet I just want to see them fight with swords and blow things up.

These kinds of movies are hit or miss, unfortunately missing more than they hit. The Prophecy, with Christopher Walken, was actually a pretty good flick, with an awesomely intense cameo by everyone’s favorite returned king, Viggo Mortensen, as none other than Satan himself. Unfortunately, the name is tarnished by its several abysmal sequels.

The Prophecy featured the archangel Gabriel, who is also the lead in Gabriel (go figure), but the similarities end there, and ol’ Gabe is now played by Andy Whitfield, soon to be seen in the states as Spartacus in the upcoming Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

Gabriel starts out with subtitles explaining to us that angels and demons are vying for control of Purgatory and the souls therein, each hoping to bring the souls to their respective dwellings, ie Heaven and Hell. Only seven angels (or Arcs) and seven demons (or Fallen) are allowed to enter, and right away we realize how ridiculous the premise is. If Heaven and Hell are at war, would they really respect any rules? Who says how many are allowed in? Do God and the Devil sit down and hash it out?

The film looks good, if generic — it falls into that same aesthetic of dark alleys and leather trench coats we’ve seen a million times before, from The Crow to The Matrix to Underworld. One wonders what a gothic supernatural action sequence might look like shot in the day time.

I did enjoy the movie, even though at times it seemed like it was trying a bit too hard to a tough-guy film, but it’s saved mostly from the performance of Andy Whitfield, who clearly has star quality. But rather than enjoy him in this angels-with-guns film, I instead thought more about how I look forward to seeing him in Spartacus, and how I have high hopes for the upcoming Legion.

Here’s the trailer.

Some fantasy films are made and immediately become a part of the cultural zeitgeist, integrating themselves into pop culture and slang, so that every movie-goer worth his or her salt understands a reference to Middle Earth, or can tell you what happens when you flick and swish your wand, chanting “Wingardium Leviosa.”

But not every film can be a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Some films are made and, through no fault of their own, never manage to find the enormous mainstream success that is so coveted. When this happens, these movies are banished to an ethereal storage dimension called the Cave of Forgotten Tales, and become lost to time.

But here in the offices of TheTorchOnline.com, we have a portal to this mysterious dimension, and from time to time, we venture into this cave, looking for the blockbusters that might, could, or should have been.

And then we review them.

Undead or Alive (2007)

One Torch (Out of Five)

I really wanted to like this movie. I’m a big fan of genre mash-ups, particularly when they’re outrageous on purpose. Example: Kill Bill is an old-fashioned Texas revenge movie spliced together with a Samurai Yakuza film and Hong Kong martial arts movie, among several others. The result is brilliant.

For Undead or Alive, I’d imagine that when the writers were throwing ideas at each other, it went a little something like this:

Writer 1: Let’s write a a Western.

Writer 2: Nah, they don’t do too well in the box office. How about a zombie movie? Zombies are hot right now.

Writer 3: Dudes! I got it! We’ll do a Western with zombies! And make it funny!

Writers 1 and 2: GENIUS!!

I’m not mocking them, because I would SO be one of those writers who would agree that the idea is really good. But somehow it just didn’t work for me.

Any zombie comedy will inevitably be compared to the apex of the genre, 2004’s Shaun of the Dead, a wickedly brilliant film from our friends across the pond. This summer’s Zombieland carried Shaun’s torch by making a movie about zombies, yes, but seen from the point of view of genuinely interesting characters. Even if there were no zombies, I’d watch a movie about them. (See our review of Zombieland here.)

But Undead or Alive can’t boast such characters. James Denton plays Elmer, an grizzled army deserter, the straight man to Chris Kattan’s goofy Luke, who behaves just like Chris Kattan always does in movies. The two are joined by the unlikely companion Sue, the niece of Geronimo (seriously), who is beautiful and looks like a Marvel comics version of an Native American woman, and is on a mission to avenge her uncle’s death. Of course, it’s a comedy, so she looks, acts, and sounds like a 21st-century California babe, and her character even grew up in boarding schools in New York. So, there you go.

Unlike the current trend in zombie films, Undead or Alive explains how zombies came to be: it’s a result of Geronimo casting a curse on the white man, which is referred to as “bad medicine” and makes them go all undead and cannibalistic. But the curse is undone if you shoot them in the head, because, you know, that’s how you kill a zombie.

The story and dialogue leave a lot to be desired, but I’ll say this: the film looks great. I don’t know what the budget was, but it’s beautifully shot, with panoramic scenes of the frontier, endless desert, great old west town set pieces, and my personal favorite, the silhouette of riders on horseback against a magnificent sunset. It may be a slight cliche, but it’s gorgeous.

The zombies also look fantastic. A lot of work was done into making them joyfully gruesome, as zombies should be, and if you’re just into seeing blood and gore, you’ll be pleased.

If you’re looking for more, you might want to look elsewhere.

Some fantasy films are made and immediately become a part of the cultural zeitgeist, integrating themselves into pop culture and slang, so that every movie-goer worth his or her salt understands a reference to Middle Earth, or can tell you what happens when you flick and swish your wand, chanting “Wingardium Leviosa.”

But not every film can be a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. Some films are made and, through no fault of their own, never manage to find the enormous mainstream success that is so coveted. When this happens, these movies are banished to an ethereal storage dimension called the Cave of Forgotten Tales, and become lost to time.

But here in the offices of TheTorchOnline.com, we have a portal to this mysterious dimension, and from time to time, we venture into this cave, looking for the blockbusters that might, could, or should have been.

And then we review them.

The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)

Two and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

The first film to be dragged out of the Cave is The Forbidden Kingdom, a self-aware film that fits mostly into the genre known as wuxia, or Chinese martial arts fantasy films, in which characters battle acrobatic and gravity-defying duels, usually with the assistance of many, many wires.

I say “mostly fits” because the movie as a whole uses one of those wonky Wizard of Oz plot devices where a character who lives in our plain, banal world gets konked on the head and wakes up in a magical land filled with witches, warriors, and spells. The main character, Jason, is a young man who is obsessed not with Kung Fu but with Kung Fu films, and is even the victim of the inevitable bully who by his teenage years seems to have mastered the martial arts.

Kingdom is probably most significant as it is the first on-screen collaboration of the two titans of martial arts films, Jet Li and Jackie Chan. When Jason is knocked out, he awakens in ancient China, and quickly meets up with a drunken fighter (Chan in a Jack Sparrow-wig). He then learns its his destiny to rescue the mystical Monkey King, and before long they are joined by a beautiful girl and a mysterious monk, played by Li.

Jackie Chan and Jet Li face off in a brilliant fight, gorgeously choreographed by Yuen Wo-Ping, who also designed the fights from The Matrix and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But alas, they battle only once, and spend the rest of the film as mentors to the young Jason, who seems like a nice kid but, unfortunately, has all the charisma of a cherry blossom.

I wanted so badly to like this film, and there is much to like: the fight choreography, the breathtaking landscapes, and simply the fact that it’s Jet Li and Jackie Chan! On Screen! Together! At the same time! Furthermore, the script is based on very real Chinese mythology, carefully laid down by the screenwriter, who had his own personal journey into martial arts and was moved so much he wrote a movie about it. (Yes, friends, you can find Bonus Features in the Cave of Forgotten Tales, as well.)

But alas, the film was simply not inventive or original enough to truly stand on its own, and was often mired down by its own cliches. Bumbling old man? Placid Buddhist monk? Wire-fu? Beautiful and deadly female costar? The film has all of them, and rather than seeming to honor these tropes, it just seems like it couldn’t think of anything more original. It was one of those experiences where you think, “I wish more movies like this would made — but I just didn’t love this one.”

Should this film be left to the oblivion of the Cave? Unless you’re so into martial arts movies that you have to see every one ever made, the answer is, sadly, yes.

Until next time, friends…remember that for every multi-billion dollar fantasy flick that comes along, a great many are swept into the Cave of Forgotten Tales. It’s our job to see if they really belong there.

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