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You’ve Got to be Smurfin’ Kidding Me. A Movie? Really?

Posted on 28 July 2009

So, a few weeks ago I wrote an article in which I stated that not all beloved 80’s cartoons have the sprawling, epic storylines we think they do — it’s just something that’s come with the nostalgia of getting older — and they certainly don’t have the complex mythology deserving to be made into a movie.

He-Man. Thundercats. G.I. Joe. Transformers. All of these either have been made or very soon will be made into films…or, more accurately, film franchises. The movie tycoons are capitalizing on our nostalgia by bastardizing some of our most treasured pre-school fictions.

I capped off the article with a joke about how I was looking forward to when they finally made the epic Smurfs movie, complete with a funny picture of a bad-ass Smurf holding a gun, being draped by a slutty Smurfette.

It was a joke.

At the time.

Sadly, I have since learned that it’s happening. Like, for reals. According to this article (and many other sources), Raja Gosnell, director of such Pullitzer-prize winning classics as Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Doo 2, Big Momma’s House, and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, will be helming the Smurfs movie, set for 2010. It will be a blend of live-action and CGI.

Begin rant in 3…2…1…

Why?

Why why why why, Hollywood, why is this necessary? Can’t you just leave some things well enough alone?

Okay, that’s really not fair of me to lump everyone in Hollywood together, so I’ll just direct that question to the producers of this film, and whoever else thought this was a good idea.

Mr. Gosnell, I get you, you’re a director and this is a paycheck. People laugh at your movies, not with them, but then you turn around and laugh at us all the way to the bank.

But the producers of this film? The executives who greenlighted it? Why bother with a Smurfs movie?

The answer to this is telling of a much larger problem, and I’m not breaking any news by mentioning it: there are simply no new ideas being made.

Notice I didn’t say there are no new ideas. There are. Every day, brilliant would-be filmmakers are inspired with new ideas, fantastic new stories on par with incredible minds like Hitchcock, Serling, etc. But they’ll never be made. The movie-churning machine is only interested in projects that will make them BILLIONS, and that means franchises (many-movie deals) of pre-exisiting commodities with a (supposedly) built-in fan base, or at least mass awareness, which (supposedly) makes marketing easier.

Hollywood’s greed directly translates into a wealth of crappy movies that are being forced down our throats, while brilliant screenplays lie on shelves collecting dust…that is if they’re not immediately shredded.

I’d end this article with a joke about how at least I’m looking forward to The Snorks movie, but I’ve learned my lesson.

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Memo to Hollywood: Not ALL 80s Cartoons Need to Become Movies

Posted on 25 June 2009

Tags: Cartoons, G.I. Joe, He-man, Opinion, television, Thundercats, Transformers

So here’s the thing. When I was a kid, I would go on and on about how there needed to be a movie version of Thundercats. I felt that the world as we know it would not be complete until Lion-O and the gang came to the screen in a full-blown, effects-laden mega-blockbuster, a la Jurassic Park or Independence Day.

(Yes, those references are dated. I was a kid.)

The point is, life wouldn’t have true meaning until we could see up there, in celluloid, the strength of Panthro, the speed of Cheetara, the disappearing act of Tigra, and the cunning of Wily-Kat and Wily-Kit … oh, and Lion-O’s stuff, too.

In my head it would have looked something like this:

Then one night, when I was in college, the RAs in my hall thought it would be fun to throw an anti-drinking party and show episodes of Thundercats for a fun night of nostalgia, sans underage booze-hounding. I goaded some friends of mine to attend, being desperate to bask once again in the glory of Thundercats. (We may have drank after.)

In the hours leading up to the showing, I reminisced about the deep, dense mythology surrounding the feline heroes: their expulsion from their native planet of Thundera; the death of their leader, Jaga; Lion-O’s tragedy of aging physically while being dormant, thus missing out on the formative years of his life.

It was like Hamlet with cat-people.

Then I watched a few episodes. Um, yeah. Not really that deep.

The reason why many people my age went gaga for the likes of Thundercats, G.I. Joe, He-Man, and, of course, Transformers, is one simple reason: children are easy to impress.

But in truth, the source material has all the depth of a bit of spittle drooled onto one’s shirt. These stories were meant to entertain kids, not adults, which is a strange thing, considering the demographic they’re trying to reach with the Transformers movie is men between 18 and 35.

Do kids younger than me really care about Transformers? By the time they were cognizant enough to watch cartoons, the world had moved on to Doug.

Terrifyingly, I’m now of the same age as the guys in charge of green-lighting what movies are made. (On the younger side of the scale, mind you. Like, REALLY younger side of the scale, okay? But still.)

And what’s happening is that those studio execs are banking on the same nostalgia that drove me to watch episodes of Thundercats and waste some perfectly good beer-time.

I first felt the sting of this grown-uppedness some years ago when I watched a commercial for 1-800-COLLECT. (Remember that?) The two characters featured in this particular ad were bastions of 80s cheese: Hulk Hogan and Alf. I realized that they were targeting my age bracket with a healthy dose of nostalgia.

Transformers has come upon us, and now we are faced with its inevitable sequel, because these days, a movie isn’t a success unless it’s part of a franchise.

It’s all about franchises.

And the first of what’s surely planned to be the G.I. Joe franchise will be hitting theaters before long. For anyone who’s seen the trailer, it looks like your standard lots-of-things-blowing-up and a-few-half-hearted-fistfights actioner.

A He-man film has been in the works for a while, although it seems stuck in development hell. (IMDB, however, has a listing for a film called Grayskull, and even a year of release — 2011. This will apparently have no connection to the Dolph Lundgren He-man film.) Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was, for a time, rumored to be playing the lead.

He-man is another show best left to the halls of your memory. He-man, is of course, the secret identity of Prince Adam of Eternia. How no one realizes they’re the same person is beyond me, seeing as how they look exactly the same, and no masks are involved. To become He-man, Adam just does some wonky spell with his sword to make all of his clothes disappear, which means he is now He-man.

That’s not a super-hero transformation. That’s just streaking.

And yes, a new Thundercats movie is coming, allegedly due out next year. Unlike the other cartoon-to-movies jump, however, it will be CG. No doubt some Gollum-esque motion capture will be employed. Not sure I like the sound of this, though. I mean, did you see Beowulf? Yikes.

It seems that only more 80s-cartoon properties will chug along to the big screen. What saddens me most is the lack of imagination involved in any of these projects.

On the other hand, I can’t wait for the big screen, epic adapatation of the Smurfs.