Four Torches (Out of Five)

In the latest issue of Buffy Season 8, it’s not enough for Buffy to have all the powers of Superman. She and Xander have to prove it … literally, as they go down the list and do tests, only to find out that yes, Buffy is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, well, you know the rest.

The banter between the two is charming, a fact that doesn’t go unnoticed by Dawn, who is now (man, this feels weird to say) Xander’s girlfriend. Dawn, whom all these years later is still occasionally treated like a child, warns Buffy and the rest of the “monkey’s paw” rule — any new gifts always come at a price — yet the original Scoobies pay her no heed. Silly Scoobies.

Dawn is right, of course, as we soon learn that all this power is coming from the Slayers who have been killed. Once dead, their power leaks out of their bodies and is absorbed by Buffy. Yeah, so flying and superspeed doesn’t seem so jolly, now, does it?

Meanwhile, Giles, Faith, and Andrew, who we know from the previous episode have been kidnapped, awaken in the lair of none other than Twilight, with a promise that in the next issue he will finally be unmasked.

Artist Georges Jeanty continues to step up his game, particularly with Buffy  and Xander, as you could see in their poses the mannerisms that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Nicholas Brendan brought to their characters, so that they almost seemed like stills from the show. Well done, sir.

Newcomer Brad Meltzer absolutely nailed the dialogue of each and every character, so he deserves major kudos for his great ear. Furthermore, he provides a nice inside joke where Xander excitedly asks Buffy if she can “phase” and geeks out when describing Kitty Prude to an unenthusiastic Buffy. Joss Whedon has, of course, gone on record saying Kitty Pryde was the basis for Buffy.

The road towards the end of this “season” is winding down, and Buffy’s greatest strength was always its season finales. Season 8 has been an interesting and successful experiment, and I can’t wait to see where it all winds up.

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• The Hubble Telescope has found a spiral galaxy living by the “live fast, die young” philosophy. NGC-2976 (they need to employ a better naming scheme if NASA wants their budget back) got a little frisky with a bigger galaxy sometime in the past and went nuts making stars to the point that it just doesn’t have it left in it anymore.

• We mentioned before that Daniel Craig was putting on the spurs in the lead role in Cowboys vs. Aliens, but every cowboy needs a cowgirl, and Olivia Wilde is ready to mount up. The John Favreau project is the second sci-fi/fantasy piece in a row for the House actress, who has been hard at work on Tron: Legacy.

• In news I could live without, the change at the top of DC Comics is clearing the way for Watchmen 2. Nobody that was associated with Watchmen being the best-selling graphic novel in DC history will touch the project, but the suits are already counting their money.

• The Palantir (that would be me) once had to go to the bathroom during season two of Lost. He hasn’t understood a thing since. That’s why this parody from TV Wasteland makes him laugh.

• Catching up with John Wagner, the creater of Judge Dredd, we find that he’s read the script and seen some of the visuals for the new movie, and likes what he sees. He also dishes on Dredd aging, how 70 is the new 40.

• Last month we showed you the Star Wars Burlesque show, now io9.com has pictures of the more generalized Sci-Fi Burlesque show, adding Leeloo and Silk Spectre, among others.

• Sam Raimi may have walked away (or been pushed) from  Spider-Man, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to do a genre film. He’s planning to remake The Shadow. Is there not a new comic book character to exploit?

• SyFy has announced a development slate of original SyFy movies based around dark retellings of fairy tales. Hansel will be an imagining where twenty years after the original woods trip, Hansel returns to the woods for revenge. But the twist is he finds Gretel has become the witch’s apprentice. Just one of SyFy’s many ideas to get into making something other than tornado movies.

• You’ve probably heard that there’s a new live-action/CGI Smurfs movie under development. The producers of said project occasionally leak concept art that people pray to be fake. This is another such piece of art. But it comes with a story that the movie will be set in New York City because Smurf Village is in Central Park. Mayor Bloomberg has summoned Papa Smurf to his office to discuss back taxes.

• Dragon Age: Origins Expansion has got a glittery version of the Ghost Dragon, and the new DLC content Return to Ostagar has finally hit the Xbox 360 and PC.

• Alice In Wonderland continues to release new trailers and featurettes. The latest marketing assault is to give us slightly different trailers across all of Disney’s major networks, ABC, ESPN, and ABC Family. We’ll start with ABC Family, and then move to ABC. Play them together and note the not-so-subtle, but fascinating differences:

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• Tor.com has a piece on why the Oscars don’t respect genre films, and hints that if the Best Picture category wasn’t expanded to 10 films this year, none of the genre films would have been nominated.

• Universal Studios Orlando isn’t the only park getting a cool new attraction. Well, depending on how you define “new,” they are. But King Kong is coming back to Universal Studios Hollywood, and it’s in 3-D.

• Locus Online has come out with their consensus Recommended Reading List 2009, and there are a few books on there I really enjoyed, like Transition and Ark. But we can all use more books in our life, so I’m going to try something else I haven’t read. What about you – what looks tasty?

• On April 6, 2010, we can go back to The Shire. No, no – they’re still going nowhere with Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, but that’s when Ralph Bakshi classic animated Lord of the Rings movie comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray.

• Speaking of The Hobbit, Elijah Wood wants James McAvoy as Bilbo Baggins. For some reason, that seems like it should count for something.

• Going in the other direction from LoTR, we have Andy Serkis, who voiced Gollum, trying to get someone to make a biopic of Bono, and he wants to play the rocker. No word on why Bono wouldn’t just play Bono, because Bono seems to be pretty good at playing Bono.

• Remember that Ollivander’s Wand Shop video we had? Well, Universal shelled out $2.6 million to promote The Wizarding World of Harry Potter on the Super Bowl this Sunday. The park addition itself seems fairly amazing — this multi-million dollar spot, notsomuch.

• Reaper was a quirky, fun show that died too soon. It had a delightful mix of comedy and action, and promised an intriguing story arc that never got finished. Since it died quietly, we never heard that story, but if you talk to the creators, they’ll tell it all, including the mystery of Sam’s father.

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We all know the drill — we’re watching a nice magical adventure unfold before our eyes on the big or small screen, and the characters get to a point where they no longer have the option to be friendly. It’s time to throw down.

Maybe the spells are flying fast and furious, or maybe it’s a more subtle use of magic to assist a mostly physical blow, but one thing is for certain: even more so than standard fight scenes, battles that involve magic raise the dramatic stakes in any story, because when you’re hurling thunderbolts, you’re playing for keeps. Even when the stories they feature in are not exactly memorable (cough The Covenant cough), a good magical fight can be a visual feast. Here we count down some of our favorites.

10. Caleb vs. Chase (The Covenant)

Though at times this fight seems more like a mystical game of dodgeball using amorphous jellyfish-like energy, one can’t deny that it at least looks pretty cool when these dudes are blasting away at each other in a rain-soaked barn. It’s fun to see the mayhem that male witches can wreak on each other, when witchcraft is so often allocated to female characters.

Unfortunately, the movie itself sucked.

9. Raziel vs. Bavmorda (Willow)

Willow will always hold a special place in the hearts of many fantasy enthusiasts who emerged from that nebulous decade known as the ’80s. Part Star Wars, part Lord of the Rings, it featured a very hobbitish hero, a very Gandalf-ian sorceress named Raziel, and a mean, mean old witch name Bavmorda.

Bavmorda and Raziel are mortal enemies, and in the climax of the movie, as a huge battle takes place outside, a very private war is fought between these two magicians. Utilizing the latest visual technology of the time (Willow was one of the first movies to showcase morphing), the filmmakers introduced a wide-eyed generation to the wonders of a magical smackdown.

Watch the fight

8. Gandalf vs. Saruman (The Fellowship of the Ring)

When you see two wizards fighting, you expect to see some crazy fireballs being thrown around, but when Gandalf and Saruman threw down in The Fellowship of the Ring, it was just the telekinetic version of an old-fashioned bar room brawl, with the two tossing each other around with the force of their minds. Bruising, bloody, and awesome.

Watch the fight

7. Harry vs. Draco (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

At this point in the Harry Potter series, we knew there was no love lost between the boy wizards Harry and Draco Malfoy, but they were just kids, and the last thing we expected to see was a full-on, wire-spinning melee, but that’s exactly what we got when they took each other on in Professor Lockhart’s dueling seminar.

6. Giles vs. Dark Willow (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Sweet Willow Rosenburg was the heart and soul of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, always a cheerful presence in a dark, demon-ridden world. But following the death of her true love Tara, she tapped into the vengeful part of her psyche and became a very bad witch. Who better to take her on than the mentor of the group, Giles, with a little borrowed magic from a coven of good witches?

5. Nancy vs. Sarah (The Craft)

An underrated gem from the angsty ’90s, The Craft showed what happened when the freaky girls in school have access to some seriously dark mojo. When good girl Sarah faces off with mean alpha-chick Nancy, all hell breaks loose in a spectacle of CGI mystical violence.

4. Pretty much every fight with Zedd (Legend of the Seeker)

Before Legend of the Seeker, the heir apparent to Xena: Warrior Princess, made its way to the airwaves, most people had never used the term “wizard’s fire” before (that is,  if they weren’t Terry Goodkind fans). But every time a fight breaks out on Seeker, you can bet that Zeddicus will be blasting away to his heart’s content, and it just looks awesome every time.

3. Buffy vs. Adam (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Though the show was as magical as they come, Buffy’s fighting style always stemmed from the very real world of martial arts. So when in the fourth season she learned that she’d need a little extra boost to face a Frankenstein-like foe, her friends Willow, Giles, and Xander all got together and gave her their energy in a little power-enhancing spell, causing Buffy to bust out some kick-ass matrix moves, as well as turn a bullet headed for her face into a pair of white doves, which are of course the symbol of peace. And who doesn’t love a little irony with their smackdowns?

2. Dumbledore vs. Voldemort (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

Though the main event is reserved for the very end of the very last movie, we got a nice little treat when uber-baddie Boldemort took on the bastion of goodness, Dumbledore, in the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series. They fought with all four elements — fire, water, earth, and air — before Voldemort finally took his leave. But what an exit!

Watch the fight.

1. Gandalf vs. The Balrog (Fellowship of the Ring)

There are fights, and there are fights. When the Fellowship was fleeing the mines of Moria, they were accosted by a demon of the ancient world, a Balrog of Morgoth, a creature of shadow and flame, and a nasty attitude to boot. When Gandalf took him on to protect his friends, it was a true clash of the titans, instantly resetting the bar for what we expect to see on screen from anyone audacious enough to film a magic fight. For the gift you gave the world, Peter Jackson and company, we thank you.

Watch the fight.

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Have a question about something fantasy-related? Ask the Oracle! (Be sure to include your first name and the city, state, and/or country you are writing from.)

Q: Tell me something new — anything! — about David Boreanaz! Needless to say, I’m a fan. — Molly, Vancouver, BC, Canada

A: How about what he thinks, looking back now, at all the Buffy and Angel madness?

“When Buffy came out — it debuted in 97 — I remember distinctly being at a party of all the Fox executives, and feeling this energy of ‘I hope this works!’” David tells the Oracle.

Regarding the phenomenon it would soon become, “I have more of a sense now than when I was in it,” he says. “When you’re in it, everything is going on so fast. When it popped to success the way it did, it was because of the hard work and the story. But Joss [Whedon] put that into place and we just executed it.”

When did he know Buffy had become a genuine phenomenon? “I think it was episode that I got swallowed up by a statue and Buffy had to throw the sword and kill me, and I got sucked into this evil monster’s mouth. And we went to New York and did a signing at the Disney store. Four or five blocks had to be shut down, there was a riot outside — it was madness. The cops were trying to get us out of the building, but there were people on top of cars. It was a mess.”

What does he think was the secret to the show’s success? “Joss took characters, [especially] a female character that he made so strong and so likable, and put them through these archetypes or metaphors — whatever you want to call them. But each character had that drive.”

With the show’s enormous impact, the Oracle was very curious to know if David was ever afraid of being type-cast by the part.

“I never thought about it — maybe that’s the equation,” he says. “Obviously, people bring it up, but to me, it was never really an issue, because I believe in myself and my talent. You just kinda go forward and work on projects and see where that takes you.”

Was he offered similar roles, post- Angel? “No. I don’t think I was ever offered [another] vampire role. For me, it was a lot of comic book stuff. I was going to be in Resident Evil, but I couldn’t do it because the production didn’t work you. Associated with a genre that’s a little bit darker and little more fast-paced? Yeah, but I never quite got the [fear of being type-cast].”

Q: I finally had Turkish Delight. I wasn’t delighted. Thoughts? — Larry, Lakewood, CO

A: It’s a British thing. Ever had blood pudding — for breakfast no less?

Still, much depends on the specific nature of the Turkish Delight you tried. The confection, which really did originate in Turkey (and is called lokum there), is a soft, pink jelly-like confection sweetened with sugar or honey, and dusted with powdered sugar or copra (to prevent sticking). Often nuts are added.

Lewis reportedly liked it — and it, therefore, makes sense that it would be Edmund’s downfall in dealing with the White Witch.

The version you tried may not have been sweet enough for your taste-buds. If so, the Oracle suggests the sweeter Americanized version: Aplets and Cotlets, made in Washington State (although rarely referred to as “Turkish Delight”).

And keep in mind that you’ve no doubt long enjoyed a candy that was probably based on Turkish Delight: the jelly bean.

Q: So the new web series directed by Ted Raimi. What’s the deal with that? Did he write it? – John, Fort Lauderdale, FL

A: “I wrote and created the series based on a short story I wrote a few years ago,” says Suzanne Keilly, Ted’s collaborator on Playing Dead (and the star), which is about an aspiring actress recruited to play Death.

“Ted and I produced it, and Ted directed it,” she says. “We collaborated after the project was written. Once it was and he agreed to direct we talked about my script, the tone of it, who to cast, the pacing, that kind of stuff. He gave me notes on the script, which I mostly ignored to his dismay — although he snuck in some changes on the day of shooting when it was harder for me to disagree much to the better-ment of the series. The look of the show is all Ted. He really took my story and dialogue and added his own very cool vision to it.”

Incidentally, the musc is by Curtis RX of Creature Feature. Here’s the latest episode:

Watch Playing Dead.

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Three and a Half Torches (Out of Five)

After the tantalizing cliffhanger that ended the last issue, in which we see Buffy floating hundreds of yards in the air, we knew we were up for something big. And we get it, as the latest issue picks up with Buffy flying through the air, Superman-style, mentioning to herself how strong she feels.

In the immediate aftermath of the battle that’s been featured in the last two issues, we catch up with the currently powerless Slayers, who are nursing their own wounded, as well as Twilight’s soldiers. The three havoc-wreaking goddesses are still bent on destruction, and Willow can do nothing to stop them. Finally, after a confessional chat with Xander, Buffy outs herself as newly super-empowered and buries the goddesses deep in the ground.

Overview: This issue was written by the man himself, Joss Whedon, and thus the dialogue had that familiar flow of the series (much like the issues written by Jane Espenson), so for that alone it’s worth it. But overall not a whole lot happens here. We discover Faith, Andrew, and Giles have been kidnapped by Twilight, a small heart-to-heart between Buffy and Riley, a lengthy talk between Buffy and Xander, and finally Buffy’s revelation of her new powers.

But it’s really the encounter between Buffy and Xander that is the focus of this story. Having learned that Xander and Dawn are dating, Buffy professes that she has feelings for Xander, who puts her in her place, saying she’s confused and selfish, in a nice way, of course. In essence, he’s having none of it, and Buffy admits it was tactless.

And that’s what’s great about Joss Whedon’s vision: he’s created a hero who is seriously, deeply flawed in the way that we’re all seriously, deeply flawed. Super strength and (now) the power of flight do not place her emotionally above any of us, and she’s as prone to moments of pettiness as the rest of us, even if her pettier moments come between the times she’s busying herself saving the world.

I also want to point out that artist Georges Jeanty, who I’ve said I’ve found unimpressive in previous issues, seems to have upped his game, returning to his more detailed, nuanced drawings that he started the series with. I’m beginning to think the reason his art has seemed a little off is because he’s been rushed. With December off, it’s been two months since the last issue that he drew, and his style is noticeably sharper. So well done, Mr. Jeanty.

Since the series started in March of 2007, we’ve had to deal with something that’s unusual for Buffy (but not comics in general): a masked villain. In the letters column, we’re promised that Twilight’s identity will be revealed in naught but a few months. After three years, I’d say it’s about time.

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Last week I pointed out the rather disgusting sexual appetites of certain fantasy heroines, namely Buffy Summers, Sookie Stackhouse, and Bella Swan.

But when you take a second look at these vampire/human couples, there’s another disturbing trend: an age gap.

Specifically, an age gap that in some cases spans several centuries.

And these are couples that in some cases involve a teenage girl. So why are we okay with this?

(Bill Compton of True Blood, you get a pass this week. Sure, you’re scandalously older than you’re girlfriend Sookie — you were in the Civil War, after all — but at least Sookie’s an adult.)

Let’s start with you, Edward Cullen, with your big dreamy eyes and your dirty, dirty hair. Sure, you may have that young, boy-next-door, Cedric Diggory-kind of appeal, but lurking behind that underdeveloped chest is the cold, dead heart of an old geezer. Does anyone else think it’s insanely creepy that an old man just keeps going back to high school?

It reminds me of that moment in Dazed and Confused when Matthew McConaughey says, “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” That was unsettling to hear from him, and he was a hot dude in his 20s!

And then you not only go after this girl, you fill her head with nonsense about how all you want to do is kill her, but you’re such a gentleman that you’ll behave and let her live. And somehow you get her to love you for it!

Do they not have Megan’s Law in Forks, Washington?

But of course, that’s merely Twilight, which came well after the couple that started it all: Buffy and Angel. Before they got all freaky with each other, it was relatively unheard of for humans to sleep with vampires. What did you unleash, Joss Whedon?

He was 247. She was 16. He kept telling her how much he loved her, and waited, patiently, until finally having sex with her on the night of her 17th birthday. You got that? He slept with her the moment she became legal. That’s just as creepy as all of those websites counting down to the day the Olsen twins turned 17.

And sure, she was technically legal when she started having crazy house-shattering sex with the punky Spike, but he was still over the hundred year mark, while she was a mere 21. And furthermore, he had been in her life since she was 16 — albeit as a mortal enemy — so he had known her in the context of being a child. What’s the deal, William the Bloody?

Aside from the fact that these are beautiful girls, one has to wonder just what someone who’s been alive that long would really have to talk about with a 16-year-old girl. Here’s a sample conversation:

Vampire: Hey, you.

Girl: Hey, you. You know what I was just thinking about? The ’90s. Man, the ’90s were kick-ass.

Vampire: The ’90s? Oh, please. They had nothing on the Roaring ’20s. Man, those days were the tops.

Girl: The top of what?

Vampire: No, the tops. The cat’s meow.

Girl: You have a cat? Aw, I love cats!

Vampire: Why don’t you listen to your i-Plod?

Girl: iPod.

Vampire: I miss speakeasies.

Yeah, not a lot in common. And yet in story after emo story, we see girls getting suckered in by these debonair vamps (and interestingly, almost never do we see these stories with the genders reversed).

So let this be a cautionary tale to concerned parents out there: if you see your daughter hanging around a boy with pale skin, an anguished expression, and an unusually vast knowledge of antiquated colloquialisms, get those crucifixes and garlic ready pronto. You’ll thank me when you don’t have any unexpected grandchildren with fangs.

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I’m a tolerant guy. I believe in the mantra “live and let live.” I don’t judge other people for what they do behind closed doors, provided no one is being hurt, everyone is an adult, and everything is consensual.

But I’m taking a stand: I think sex with a dead body is pretty effin’ nasty.

So why are all these fantasy heroines doing it?

Personally, I blame Buffy, that sexed up vampire slayer. The girl had a thang for corpses. Yes, corpses, plural, because she did the deed with not one but two vampires, and all the Buffy the Vampire Layer jokes that can ever be made have already been exhausted.

Psychic redneck Sookie Stackhouse from HBO’s True Blood didn’t just sleep with a vampire — she inhabits a world where many people, male and female, chase the excitement of sex with the undead, and are given the hilarious moniker “fangbangers.” Genius.

And Bella Swan from Twilight? Well … okay, I don’t really know because I’ve never read the books, but I read online that she and Emo King Edward Cullen do eventually make the beast with two backs, despite the entire story being some kind of weird allegory for teen chastity. (Because how else to encourage young girls to guard their virtue by inundating them with sexual images of guys like the one below?)

It’s funny, this new creature that is the sexually active vampire. Vampires have been sensual creatures ever since Bram Stoker penned Dracula, and Anne Rice reinvigorated the idea of erotically appealing vamps with Interview with the Vampire way back in 1973. But Dracula never actually sealed the deal with Mina Harker, and Anne Rice made it clear that these were dead bodies that just happened to be walking around.

Lest you think they work like living bodies, Rice specifies. Never one to shy away from descriptions of bodily functions, she explained that once a person becomes a vampire, their body evacuates itself, and they can never eat (food) again. Furthermore, all their … stuff … stops working, so no sex for Lestat, sexy as he may be.

But then along came Buffy and Angel, and their tragic romance — she was born to kill all vampires, and he got all fangy whenever he got excited. So naturally, who better to lose her virginity to? According to Angel, vampires don’t breathe, even though we see him panting and smoking cigarettes at times. What’s more, we’re informed that his heart isn’t beating. But if … well … doesn’t his heart have to beat, so blood can flow in order to … well, you see where I’m going with this.

In any case, ew.

All the rules of death were thrown at the window for True Blood, because those southern vampires have a lot of sex. With a lot of people. In every conceivable combination. They’re still dead, though, Sookie! Gross!

As for Bella, well, I can tell from the inescapable advertisements for New Moon that she’s involved in a love triangle between vampire Edward and werewolf Jacob, so I guess it’s a toss-up between necrophilia and bestiality.  (I say go with the werewolf — at least he’ll keep you warm at night.)

I get the forbidden love, Romeo and Juliet angle that a relationship between a vampire and a human offers.

But ew! Dead bodies!

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The period of time between the beginning of October and the end of December is a very special time of year, a time when television shows, websites, and retail stores alike dress themselves up in holiday themes.

The “holidays” being Halloween and Christmas. But what happened to Thanksgiving?

As we approach that time of year when our forefathers first came to our nation as illegal immigrants and destroyed an entire race of people — but come on, those pilgrim hats are just adorable – one wonders at what time Thanksgiving became the holiday that slips through the cracks in fantasy stories.

The answer is very simple: like many things in fantasy, it’s all about magic.

Halloween and Christmas, by their very nature, are magical holidays. Halloween, a descendant of Samhain, is a celebration of all things macabre and horrific, the only time of year when children are allowed to embrace their dark sides and become the demons that they really are, a time of year when all it takes is a mask to transform someone from something plain into something sinister. The veil between the living and the dead grows thin, and spirits roam the night. (Kind of like what’s happening on Legend of the Seeker right now.)

Christmas, of course, holds a very important religious significance to Christians, and the story of the nativity is an all-you-can-eat buffet of magic and miracles. Beyond its religious core, Christmas has taken on a new, secular fantastical identity with the story of Santa Claus and his Christmas Eve mojo. And how often have we heard the phrase “The magic of Christmas?”

So, sorry, Thanksgiving. What with your shady, murderous origin and your lack of supernatural attributes, you fall a little short when compared with your siblings.

In fact, the only Thanksgiving-themed episode of any fantasy show I can recall was the rather brilliant episode “Pangs,” during the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Hey, who feels like a quickie review?

Pangs

Five Torches (Out of Five)

As usual, rather than being a throwaway gimmick episode, the writers dealt with a very real issue — Willow’s anger at Thanksgiving being celebrated due to the aforementioned atrocities — as well as moving the plot forward cleanly and cleverly.

This episode set up many plot points that would affect the rest of the season: Spike’s slow but inevitable crawl towards the side of good, Angel not truly being out of Buffy’s life, and the group’s awkwardly growing distant from one another. By this point in the show’s life, the lead actors were a well-oiled machine, playing off each other with great comic timing, and the episode boasts one of my favorite lines by Xander, who had been cursed with all sorts of diseases (venereal and otherwise) by a vengeful spirit: “Can we get back to me and my new syphilis?”

In short, this episode rocked.

Who knows, maybe another show will come around in a few years with a great Thanksgiving episode with a fantasy twist. Until that time, however, we’ll just have to make watching “Pangs” an annual November tradition.

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The first television show I remember as a kid having a “very special spooky Halloween episode” was Growing Pains, a show I adored as a child … until I had a real-life run-in with cast member Alan Thicke that left a bitter taste in my mouth. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say the man needs to learn some manners. (I’m still not finished with you, Thicke.) So, that and Kirk Cameron turning into a Crocoduck-picture-waving nutjob (seriously, look it up) pretty much spoiled that for me.

But, my goodness, do I digress! The point is that, in my humble opinion, television shows often give us their year’s best episodes when catering All Hallow’s Eve, so let’s take a look at some of the best.

The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror

I was so young when the first of what was to become a series of Halloween Simpsons episodes that I was actually scared. It began with Marge Simpson coming out from behind a red curtain onto a stage to directly address the audience, telling parents that they should probably put the kids to bed early, because they were about to show some scary stuff and didn’t want to receive angry letters the next day.

With The Simpsons now in its 789th season, the “Treehouse of Horror” episodes have been declining in quality for the past several decades, but when they started, they were awesome. I especially loved the vignette called “The Shinning,” a send-up of The Shining which was not only hilarious but actually a little unsettling, and the very first episode’s sketch which cleverly parodied The Amityville Horror.

And super props for one of their Treehouse sketches featuring Lucy Lawless in her Xena outfit.

Roseanne

One of the most groundbreaking shows of the 90’s, Roseanne had the gall to showcase a family that were not financially well-off, not living in a swanky pad, and not particularly camera-friendly, and we loved the Connors all the more for it.

One of the perennial favorites of the show was its yearly Halloween-themed episode, which usually showcased not only outrageous costumes for the cast, but imagined a humble Midwest family that was absolutely obsessed with Halloween, going to distance to decorate their house, freak out the neighbors, and play some good old fashioned practical jokes on each other. A decade after the show’s end, I still get nostalgic for the Connors around Halloween time.

As for which was the best, who can say? They were all great in their own way.

South Park - “Spooky Fish”

Evil twins from a parallel dimension are nothing new to fiction, but South Park did us one better. In the Halloween episode “Spookyfish,” we meet Cartman’s evil twin, who turns out to be the sweetest kid around. For an extra hoot, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, stuck a lame-looking goatee on the “evil” Cartman as an homage to the classic Star Trek episode, “Mirror, Mirror,” in which the crewmembers, including Spock, are switched with their evil twin selves. In this episode, Spock famously sported a goatee.

(This bit of facial hair homage was also used less humorously on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.)

But my favorite part? The fact that the whole episode was broadcast in “Spookyvision,” which amounted to nothing more than putting pictures of Barbara Streisand’s face in the four corners of the screen. Hilarious.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - “Halloween” and “Fear, Itself”

For a show that dealt with monsters and goblins on a weekly basis, the writers of Buffy came up with a really great concept for their first Halloween episode: that October 31st is the night that real monsters take the night off. It’s not cool to strut your stuff on Halloween, because that’s amateur night.

Unfortunately for Buffy and her gang, one of the amateurs is a warlock who has cast a spell so that anyone who bought one of his costumes will turn into their costume. This episode, which could have been a throwaway gimmick episode, was firmly entrenched in the mythology of the show, and gave us several firsts: the first time we see Willow’s bangin’ body, the first time we see Buffy stripped of her powers, the origin of Xander’s military knowledge, and the revelation that Giles has a very dark past.

The next Halloween episode occurred in the fourth season, and “Fear, Itself” featured the gang beset upon by a demon that caused everyone’s worst fears to become manifest. With the cleverness that was the show’s staple, however, the episode really just proved how scary your first couple months of college can be. While not in the same league as “Halloween,” “Fear, Itself” was one of the high points of the season, particularly for its hilariously lackluster climax, in which Buffy must fight the fear demon … who turns out to be about six inches tall.

Xena: Warrior Princess - Girls Just Want to Have Fun

About a dozen or so years before the current vampire craze, and preceding Buffy by a year, the constantly provocative Xena: Warrior Princess aired an episode in its second season that featured Gabrielle and Xena turning into vampires, or “bacchae” as they’re referred to in this episode, servants of the evil Bacchus.

Okay, as far as being accurate to Greek mythology goes, they threw everything out the window. Bacchus (or, more accurately, Dionysus) was a god of wine and merrymaking, not a lookalike to Tim Curry’s Darkness from the movie Legend, after all. But the point of this episode wasn’t mythological accuracy, it was just to have a rocking good time, and they did just that. This is truly one for the ages.

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Four Torches (Out of Five)

In Part Four of Jane Espenson’s “Retreat” storyline, the Slayers and co. have taken refuge with Oz and his partner Bay in the mountains of Tibet, where they’ve learned to avoid detection by channeling all of their magic into the earth. Or have they?! (Dramatic music plays…)

So far, this particular story arc has been low on action, which has been fine by me because that allows for a lot of wonderful character moments, and with the reunion between Oz and Willow — who last saw each other in the year 2000! — we need that time to soak it in. And with the exception of Joss himself, there’s no writer I’d rather soak with than Jane Espenson, also known as my girlfriend.

Let’s just put it out there. Espenson knows how to write great dialogue, clever and full of emotion, capable of speaking volumes with few words, which makes her especially useful with the character of Oz. Every line she writes has the zing, that snappy pop-culture savvy that defined the television show, and she is every bit as comfortable working with the medium of comics as she is TV. She’s just…she’s just perfect. I love you, Jane.

But this issue takes a major right turn, and for anyone who’s been bored by the lack of action, take cover. When I reviewed the last issue I noted that there were no big panels that went BOOM! Well, in this issue, they go, and I quote, BLAM, FOOOMP, KAKAKAKAKA, and BA-HOOM!! Without giving too much away, let’s just say there are explosions. A lot of explosions. And Espenson is every bit as funny with battlefield exchanges as she is casual conversations.

So is the issue a complete hit? Sadly, no, there’s one aspect that prevents the Five out of Five Torches. I hate to keep picking on him, but I’m just not into Georges Jeanty’s penciling on this book, especially lately. Believe me, I sympathize with having to get a likeness down (hell, I couldn’t even get She-ra right, and she’s not even a real person!), but at this point all the faces look the same, and for an issue that contains some serious saving of Private Ryan, the battlefield looks flat and unimpressive. I’d be interested in seeing his artwork on some other projects, because he is good, but it just never feels like Buffy.

All in all, I’m enjoying the series, particularly now that Espenson is scripting, and while it saddens me that her run will soon end, I’m content to know that the next writer will be the man himself, Joss Whedon. Geeks of the world, begin your stammering and salivating now.

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For those of you living under a rock, Zombieland opened last weekend and went quickly to number one (and we, of course, reviewed it here.) One of the clever moves of the film is that it takes your traditional Hero — muscular, confident, aggressive — and your standard Sidekick — smart but cowardly, neurotic — and flips them, so that we see the film through the eyes of the sidekick, played with hilarious gusto by Jesse Eisenberg.

Although the characters in the film aren’t aware of this switch, and continue on in their respective paths, we in the audience are clued in to the fact that this won’t be your traditional action/horror film. In fact, Eisenberg’s character, Columbus, in a moment of meta-consciousness, even refers to himself as “sort of a Sancho Panza-type.”

Sancho Panza was, of course, the prototypical sidekick, who traveled around at the side of Don Quixote in Miguel de Cervantes’ historic novel of the same name. Unlike the slender, intelligent Columbus, however, Sancho was overweight and dim, riding atop a donkey, yet lovable for his unshakable loyalty to his master, Quixote.

It is this loyalty that allows for Quixote to continue on in his quests, whether he’s aware of it or not, and like a truly great sidekick, Sancho never asks for affirmation. He simply is there for the hero, even though in this case, the hero is a delusional old man (which, perhaps, proves Sancho’s worth all the more.)

But while the sidekick has his or her place in a story, longer tales often develop the sidekick to the point where they’re on the same level as the hero, which is always satisfying for a reader or viewer. After all, haven’t we all, at some points in out lives, felt a lot more like Robin than Batman? So it’s small wonder we take comfort in the fact that Robin, the epitome of a sidekick, grew up and became Nightwing, a hero in his own right, on par with Batman.

In fantasy literature, perhaps one of the greatest examples of a sidekick rising up to the level of hero is Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings. Like Sancho, Sam is neither slim nor very smart, and for most of the story, Sam exists to cook food for Frodo and keep up his spirits, all the while contentedly walking behind his master on their epic quest.

But when Frodo is attacked and Sam believes he is dead, a change occurs in him, something visceral, something which can never be undone. He realizes that the fate of the Ring and indeed, the world, now rests solely on his humble shoulders, and so he stands up, picks up his master’s sword, and carries on.

Frodo didn’t die, of course, and the two hobbits are reunited, but things will never go back to the way they were before. By the end of their journey, Frodo has come to respect Sam as an equal, and when death again seems imminent, utters to Sam the famous words, “I’m glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things.”

In the wake of Sam, it seems that the sidekick-turned-hero angle is all the rage. The most obvious example that springs to mind from contemporary is, of course, Gabrielle, the Battling Bard, whose popularity threatens to outshine that of the hero, Xena. Throughout the six seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess, we see as Gabrielle grows and changes from a feisty but physically weak farm girl into an accomplished warrior, inheriting Xena’s place after her death.

On Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Willow Rosenburg, who was naught but a vastly intelligent nerd, became aware of the existence of the supernatural when Buffy Summers came to town, and that indirectly resulted in her learning witchcraft to the point where she became the “most powerful witch in the western hemisphere.”

But as for my favorite sidekick? That would have to go to Ron Weasley, the bumbling poor kid who was just another Weasley sibling until he met up with Harry Potter in their first year at Hogwarts.

Come on, just look at that picture! If you didn’t say “Awww…” you’re made of stone.

Ron comes into Hogwarts the way many of us do any other school, frightened and overwhelmed, feeling very small and very alone. But by befriending Harry Potter, he assured his name would go down in the history books. Had it not been for Harry and all of the danger that followed him like a dark storm cloud, Ron might never have been tested as thoroughly as he was, thus never knowing his true potential.

While real life is never as cut-and-dry as fiction, sidekicks and heroes do exist, just as villains and henchmen do. But as fiction is  realizing, those roles are never binding, and we can easily go from being a lowly servant one moment to the savior of the world the next.

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This is the article I have been waiting years to write. As not only a superfan of both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena: Warrior Princess, I also, for a time, was a musical theater performer in New York City. So when approached to write an article comparing the musical episodes of both shows, I step-ball-changed right over to my computer and hit up my iTunes, which of course contain the cast recording for both shows.

Television shows are no strangers to wacky stunts in order to grab ratings, and it’s not completely unheard of for a show to have a “musical episode” — usually for comedic value — in order to get people to tune in.

But both Buffy and Xena stood out — for one thing, they were genre shows, and fantasy action-adventure, no less!

What’s more, neither episode was a silly, whimsical throw-away story. Both shows carefully integrated their story-lines and character arcs so that they came to a head during the musical episode.

In other words, the plot doesn’t make sense if you eliminate those episodes. They are crucial to the overall stories.

Much like a musical you would see onstage, the characters had all reached a breaking point, where their problems and passions had grown to a fevered pitch, and simple words would no longer suffice to express their emotions. Instead of being a cute distraction, the songs were necessary.

On Xena’s musical, called “The Bitter Suite,” Xena and Gabrielle’s bond had been demolished by Gabrielle’s act of betrayal: she had lied about killing her demonic offspring, Hope, who later returned and murdered Xena’s son, Solan.

Gabrielle, wracked with guilt, fled to the Amazons, and Xena came after her with a vengeance. Their battle took them over a cliff and into a mysterious waterfall which led them to a mystical land called Illusia, where new characters appeared with the faces of their friends and enemies, and everyone spontaneously burst into song.

Throughout the course of the episode, Xena and Gabrielle are forced to confront the reasons for their anger and realize in the end, they ultimately do love each other. The unsung hero of this episode is Joseph LoDuca, the man responsible for most of the scoring of Xena (as well as Hercules: The Legendary Journeys), and who endows the score with a creepy, Danny Elfman-vibe. Lucy Lawless and Kevin Smith, who played Ares, sang their own parts, and did so beautifully.

Less convincing was Renee O’Connor lip synching away to her voice double. Could her voice really have been so bad they didn’t let her sing?

Here’s the problem with the episode. It’s a total deus ex machina, and in a show filled with actual gods, it’s a weak device. How this universe exists or how they got there is never explained, except that Xena’s son, Solan, brought them there, which is not in keeping with the rest of the show’s mythology — since when can dead humans create an entire musical world and send the living there to find their way?

(It should be said there was a second musical episode later on, as a purely campy, throwaway comedy episode, but the less said about that one the better.)

But minor criticisms aside, with “The Bitter Suite,” the writing crew for Xena proved once again (as they did a million times throughout the series) that they had no fear, and were always willing to “go there” — they’d go anywhere — if they felt the story required it. The series was a six-year explosion of creativity.

“The Love of Your Love” From “The Bitter Suite”

On Buffy, however, the musical was not only not a bizarre, trippy out-there episode, it felt (mostly) like just another Buffy episode. We had seen the gang drawn into spells without their knowledge in the past, such as the fourth season episode “Superstar,” so when the gang just started singing for no reason, we knew their had to be some devilry behind it, and so did they.

Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy, also wrote the songs for the show, and used it to deal with several of the characters’ emotional journeys: Buffy, recently back from the dead, dealing with a horrible depression and a strange attachment to Spike, who is in love with her; Xander’s fear of his impending marriage to Anya; and Giles’ realization that he must leave Buffy if she’s ever to become an adult.

“Once More With Feeling,” as the ep was called, treated us to over an hour’s worth of what felt almost like a fully realized book musical, from the opening Disney-style song “Going Through the Motions,” to the Sondheim-inspired, conversational “I’ve Got a Theory,” to the beautiful (and beautifully subversive) love ballad “Under Your Spell,” sung from Tara to her girlfriend Willow, all the way through to the montage pre-climax “Walk Through the Fire,” which is a pretty hilarious send up of the bombastic full-cast songs like “The Tonight Medley” from West Side Story.

All in all, “Once More With Feeling” worked in a way that “The Bitter Suite” didn’t, in that it truly was just another episode of the show without any crazy story-tweaking. The reason for the singing was that Xander had summoned a demon who made people sing and dance, which eventually led to their demise if the demon wasn’t stopped.

Furthermore, the story of the episode calls for regular people, not Broadway voices, bursting into song, so it worked perfectly when the cast all sang their own parts, despite their lack of musical experience. The beautiful exceptions to this rule were Anthony Stewart Head, who had a background in musical theater, and Amber Benson, whose sweet voice complimented her character so well.

“I’m Under Your Spell”

“I’ve Got a Theory”

While I’m calling Buffy’s “Once More With Feeling” the better episode, both stories used clever plot devices to bring their characters into a world where singing made sense, which, for fantasy series, seem more believable than if, say, the cast of Gossip Girl were suddenly to start belting out numbers to each other instead of…texting? I don’t know, I’ve never seen the show, but you get the point.

It makes one wonder about the possibility of other fantasy series taking on this challenge. I for one would love to see an episode of Merlin, in which Arthur and Merlin sing a (possibly HoYay-esque) duet to each other called “Every Sword Needs Its Stone.”

Yeah. I’ll let that one simmer for a minute.

So what final “rating” do I give both episodes? Oh, please — they both deserve five “torches” based on sheer audacity alone!

Five Torches (Out of Five)

Looking to buy the soundtracks for “Once More With Feeling” or “The Bitter Suite” (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.