Another spring is giving way to summer, and you know what that means: Love is no longer in the air.
Oh, it’s easy to fall in love in March and April when the cold, harsh winter is melting away and the sun is shining on your face and the birds are singing and the trees are flourishing and the bumble bees are all exhausted from all their pollen-gathering and bee-copulating.
But summer is stifling and the kids are out of school and, if you’re me, you’ve been crawling around in your attic trying to fix your air conditioner eight out of the last ten days. Summer makes for grumps, and that means it’s far less likely that you’ll feel the delicious bite of cupid’s arrow — unless you take your cue from the world of fantasy.
Using the sci-fi canon as a guide, we’ve made a list of five ways to make someone fall in love with you, even in the sweltering heat.
1) Become a fighter pilot — 30 Rock has taught us a very important lesson about humor: Things are funny when they’re true. And so Liz Lemon’s series-long fascination with her imaginary boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter, never gets old because we’ve all been there. Who hasn’t been in love with a fighter pilot at some point? (Seriously, show of hands. I don’t believe you.)
Han Solo, Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, Starbuck, Apollo, Buck Rogers, Maverick, Ice Man. It takes a perfect storm of athleticism, arrogance and cockpit know-how to become a top pilot, and when you master it, it’s like making the perfect mix CD. You can get anyone to fall for you at any time in any place on any planet.
2) Give a gift from the heart, preferably one that’s charmed — It’s not just the inexplicably gullible Uther from BBC’s Merlin that has been hoodwinked into love by donning an enchanted pendant (although we can’t remember anything as disgusting as him shagging a troll).
Since the beginning of time, women and men have been using enchanted gifts to woo one another. And it always works because humans are the most narcissistic creatures in the galaxy! We think we deserve gifts! Everyone of us is Snow White: we would all take apples from bitches because … who would want to poison us? No one! We’re lovely!
3) Trap the object of your affection in a confined space, become emotionally unavailable — This technique can work on a spaceship (see, again: Han Solo), but it works equally well with something as ordinary as a police box. Say you are a centuries-old, always-dangerous, occasionally-curmudgeonly, slightly-unhinged bloke with a Messiah complex and a bizarre fetish for being called “Doctor.” Do you think any woman in her right mind would fall in love with you? Absolutely not. Especially if you made clear at the very beginning of your relationship that you’re always being called to sacrifice those closest to you for the good of humanity.
But then, why do all of Doctor Who’s companions fall hopelessly in love with him? And even more bizarre, why do we — who have had the advantage watching eleven doctors over 40 years — fall hopelessly in love with him? We’re not sure. We just know that small spaces and emotional distance is a foolproof recipe for love.
4) Brew or purchase a love potion — No, we’re not talking about tequila. We’re talking that special witches brew that was explored so thoroughly in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It can be administered directly from a cauldron, concealed in confectionery, even diluted in a beverage.
The effects of love potion are immediate and they are potent. It is a powerful aphrodisiac, as evidenced by the fact that the wealthy, handsome Tom Riddle shagged the disfigured pauper Merope Gaunt. (And that Ron Weasley thought he was in love with Romilda Vane when, well, have you met Hermione Granger?) The benefit of a love potion is that if you fall out of love, you can stop giving it. The danger of a love potion is that it can spawn the most evil wizard of all time.
5) Die — No, we’re serious. Accept the fact that you’re never going to snag the man or woman of your dreams and give yourself over to a vampire. In a few centuries, gorgeous women 200 years your junior will not be able to resist you. You can try to murder her. You can verbally abuse her. You can cause her families to be slain. You can hate her friends. You can invite her to a party where your family will try to suck her blood. You can even almost (accidentally) kill her while having sex with her, and it won’t matter. She will love you FOREVER.
You don’t need to be funny or smart or charming. You don’t even need to be handsome. All you need to be is dead. Also, you might want to think about growing your hair out.
Do you have any other sure-fire ways to make someone fall in love with you? Share them in the comments!