(Author’s Note: I am going to write this WHOLE piece without EVER using the phrase “catfight.” Check it out.)
Welcome back, gorehounds, to the latest installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherin we match up two ferocious warriors in a battle to the death to see who will emerge victorious! Kinda like that Spike TV show. If that show were as cool as we are. Which it isn’t.
Throughout the centuries, female warriors have channeled certain types of animals when engaging in battle, even as far back as the Ancient Egyptians, which featured a warrior goddess known as Sekhmet, who was part woman, part lioness. Here in this country, there have been two women of note who have assumed the mantle of the cat, and both women referred to themselves by the same rather unimaginative moniker: Catwoman.
In 1992, there were reports in Gotham City of a woman who was taking to the rooftops and causing all sorts of mayhem while dressed in a black rubber cat costume. Some sources linked her to Batman, the city’s resident hero, who similarly takes to the night in a black rubber costume, this one inspired by a bat.
Here to speak with us today is Cristi Wellington, who had a rather uncomfortably close relationship with Catwoman when she was abducted by the feline criminal and her partner-in-crime, Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin. For the past seventeen years, Cristi has made it her life’s work to learn more about this fascinating criminal.
“Well, when I was kidnapped, it was back in my modeling days. I was the Ice Princess, which basically meant I got to push a button and light up the big Gotham City Christmas Tree. It sounds easy, but it was really hard work! I had to wear a corset and heels, and do you know how difficult it is to use your fine motor skills in that kind of outfit?”
No. No, I do not. But as for Catwoman…
“Oh, right. Well, after the incident, this reporter lady named Vicki Vale and I teamed up to do some investigative journalism. We researched everything we could find on Catwoman. For one thing, we’re pretty sure her real name was Selina Kyle, and she used to work as a secretary for some big suit guy. But here’s the thing: some homeless guy was in an alley when he heard this huge crash, and saw this woman matching Selina Kyle’s description fall out of a skyscraper window, like she was pushed! He said that she fell and looked dead for a minute, but then all these cats showed up and started making out with her and stuff, and she came back to life! Isn’t that weird?”
Weird it is, but amazingly, this story is corroborated by our next guest, Ophelia Powers, who hails from a city similar in style to Gotham City, but isn’t actually Gotham, and –
I’m sorry, Ms. Powers, did anyone tell you you look just like the mom on Six Feet Under?
“Oh, yes, dear, I have been told that before,” she says.
Right, moving on. The Catwoman in your city…she was a different woman?
“Indeed she was,” Ophelia tells us. “Catwomen have been around since the beginning of time. They are chosen by the goddess Bast to be her emissaries and her disciples, and are gifted with great powers by cats, Bast’s earthly vessels, at the time of their death, just like what Ms. Wellington told you of this Selina Kyle person.”
Wow, that sounds so contrived. Nothing ruins a good supernatural mystery like explaining it, huh? Anyway, what was the real identity of the Catwoman in your city?
“I’m afraid I can’t divulge to you the identity of our Catwoman, but suffice it to say she was a remarkable woman. I remember back when I first met Patience –”
So her name was Patience?
“Oh, crap.”
All right, ladies, the backstory is very interesting, but we have a focus here. This is, after all, a hypothetical trial of combat. So, what can you tell me about their individual fighting styles?
“Well,” Cristi says, “Selina Kyle was a brutal fighter. She attacked everyone, criminal, victim, and hero alike. In fact, we even have some footage here.”
“As you can see, she could take down a man in seconds, and she was slightly, um…let’s say unstable? To be nice? As she got more experience fighting, she got better at it, and once she added a whip to her arsenal, forget it. Lethal.”
“As is the way with all the disciples of Bast,” Ophelia interjects, “which you can see from this surveillance footage.”
Hmm. That looks a lot like capoeira, the Brazilian martial art.
“Oh, goodness, that’s certainly beyond my area of expertise, child. It’s an example of the ferocity of all women who have been endowed with the spirit of Bast.”
No, but it’s exactly the moves of capoeira. Bast was an Egyptian goddess, right? It just doesn’t seem all that accurate or even make much sense –
“It’s the power of Bast!!”
Fine. We feed the information into our battle simulation computer, which takes into account that while the Catwoman whose first name was Patience did manage to best many opponents at once, her dance-like acrobatics could become unwieldy, awkward, and not too effective, not to mention she never once drew blood. Selina Kyle, on the other hand, was pure rage in female form, turning her body into a backflipping time bomb, and slicing the hell out of anyone who got in her way. The results showed her winning the fight 89% of the time.
“Well, really,” Ms. Powers states, “how can a person pit one disciple of Bast against another?”
“This has nothing to do with freakin’ Bast!” Cristi shouts. “Stop ruining Catwoman!”
Battle #5: Catwoman (Selina Kyle) vs. Catwoman (Patience Philips)
Winner: Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
Join us next time for DEADLY FANTASY WARRIOR!
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