Three Torches (Out of Five)

We know Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie, but exactly which kind of Tim Burton movie is it?

Is it the sublime kind that uses stunning, off-kilter visuals to tell a quirky, but fully realized story, like Edward Scissorshands, Sleepy Hollow, or Beetlejuice?

Or is it the incoherent-mess kind, where Burton’s stunning trademark visuals are wasted on an indifferent or outright sloppy script, like Planet of the Apes, James and the Giant Peach, Mars Attacks!, Big Fish, or 9?

The truth is, it’s not really either.

To be sure, it’s visually fantastic. Whether it’s the smiling, levitating Cheshire Cat, Matt Lucas as Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, or the wonderfully oversized head on the Queen of Hearts, Wonderland — or “Underland,” as it’s called here — has never looked so good.

And just like so many recent Tim Burton movies, the story is infuriatingly weak.

But weirdly, the movie is worth seeing anyway.

Here is the story: in the 19th century, 19 year-old Alice, faced with a life of unbearable convention, follows a rabbit down a rabbit hole. There she finds a magical dreamland where someone named “Alice” once visited before. Is it her? It matters, because that Alice is prophesied to slay the evil Jabberwocky.

That’s the whole story. There’s some very vague talk about how Alice needs to learn that something can be “impossible” and “real” at the same time in order to be more like her dead father, but honestly, the movie doesn’t even bother giving us the slightest reason to care about Alice or her quest.

As is typical with Burton, it’s all about the visuals.

But as I said, the movie is worth watching anyway. I think it’s because it’s such a wonderfully weird Wonderland — er, Underland — and for such an iconic place, it’s never really been so successfully visually realized before. It’s not just that everything here looks so cool; it’s that it also has a perfect visual coherence.

In short, everything fits together perfectly.

What else works? Helena Bonham Carter, who has long seemed to have been slumming in her husband Tim Burton’s movies, absolutely shines here as the Queen of Hearts. She’s hilarious, shrieking “off with their heads” at every opportunity — and the image of her over-sized head (about which she is understandably very sensitive) is fascinating in itself.

Johnny Depp, in an expanded Mad Hatter role, basically plays Edwards Scissorshands crossed with Willy Wonky. And Anne Hathoway is all hand flutters as The White Queen.

Twenty five years ago, Disney famously fired Tim Burton, because they thought his short film Frankenweenie, was too scary for kids. It’s now a cult classic, and the studio has hired Burton back for this production, which reportedly cost an astounding $250 million dollars.

They’re sure to make their money back, as the project, which has been wildly (but cleverly) hyped, is certain to be a big, big hit.

So it seems that Tim Burton and Disney are both getting their happy endings.

Does the audience? Oh, kinda.

But in a way, it’s a shame, because with visuals as fully realized as the ones in this movie, Alice in Wonderland had the potential to become almost as much of a classic as the books upon which it is based.

It isn’t — not by a long shot.

Tomorrow, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp’s much-hyped Alice in Wonderland hits theaters (in Disney digital 3D). Lewis Carroll’s fantasy masterpiece has been remade dozens of times since the first movie dropped over 100 years ago, and thank the Mad Hatter, we’ve come a long way from the terrifying bunny suit in the 1903 silent film.

Here’s a (selected) timeline to help you remember Alice’s trips down the rabbit hole.

What’s your favorite adaptation of Alice so far?

• The zombie-light film The Crazies came in third place at the box office with a respectable $16.5 million opening, behind the freak-out thriller Shutter Island and the dumb buddy cop movie Cop Out. I call it zombie-light because the zombies aren’t really undead, precisely. I’m a traditionalist.

• Speaking of fake zombies, they evidently have First Amendment rights to protest against the blind materialism of American life by preaching in a mall. At least according to an “activist” judge – we’re sure Rush Limbaugh will pipe up that hating consumerism is un-American.

• A dozen years after the first film, Todd McFarlane has a plan for his Spawn 2 film, and the plan is if you want something done right, do it yourself. He’s got most of a script, plans on directing, and possibly financing the film all by his lonesome. Seems fitting for a servant of the underworld.

• The very first teaser trailer for Tangled is out. This is supposed to be a slightly, well, tangled retelling of Rapunzel story, complete with magic, towers and princes. The Disney film comes out November 24^th, just in time for you to fight the Thanksgiving shopping crowds.

• Combining the musical with the fantastic, Andrew Lloyd Weber is set to risk everything on his Phantom of the Opera sequel (he calls it a continuation), Love Never Dies. If you ask me, gambling the legacy of a musical that has grossed more than Titanic and Avatar combined is either a sign of amazing bravery, or proof he’s so rich he doesn’t have to care anymore.

• The rumor mill says that DC Entertainment is moving full steam ahead with new films. The latest says they’ve found a director for The Flash – Greg Berlanti, who produces a lot of television including Brothers & Sisters on ABC. What do you think – can switch successfully from a sudser to a super hero? Does knowing he wrote most of Green Lantern help?

• In other DC Entertainment rumors, the reason Chris Nolan is consulting on the new Superman movie is that his brother Jonah wants to switch from writing to directing, and DC wouldn’t sign off unless Chris was involved. I don’t know what they’re worried about, at this point Superman couldn’t get any worse, unless they try and make it dark, like The Dark Knight.

• In still more collisions of Batman and Superman, that record sale price for a comic book set last week by Action Comic #1 with Superman has been eclipsed by Detective Comics #27, where Batman first appeared. The Caped Crusader fetched $1.075 million.

• io9.com takes a rather sarcastic look at Beastly, the new take on Beauty and the Beast starring Alex Pettyfer, Neil Patrick Harris and Vanessa Hudgens. While reimaging a fairy tale as a cross between Mean Girls and Gossip Girl should be a kryptonite for me, something intrigues me about this film, and it can’t just be the thought of Mary-Kate Olsen as a witch. If you don’t want snark, just watch the trailer/featurette.

• You know what else seems over-the-top at io9.com? Their look at the Marvel-branded television sets, which are evidently a real thing. When the new Disney division showed Marvel-framed televisions on the Disney-produced Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, I assumed it was a one-off, not a synergy thing. Silly me – Mickey Mouse televisions have been around for years, so it makes sense the House of Mouse would exploit Wolverine.

• It’s finally happening – Shout! Factory is releasing the Matt Frewer Max Headroom on DVD this coming August. I haven’t seen it in more than twenty years, and I really can’t imagine it holds up all that well, but I have fond memories of the show.

• Over at New Scientist they have an interview with roboticist Noel Sharkey about Artificial Intelligence, the pros and cons, and the likelihood that we could create it, and whether we should create it. It’s a lot more fun to read than it sounds.

• Fueling his likely undying fear that Edward Cullen is a role he will never escape from, Robert Pattinson was trying to do press for his new slacker film Remember Me and they couldn’t resist asking him about Twilight: Breaking Dawn, 3D, and whether the book becomes two movies. I’d honestly feel sorry for the guy, except for him being impossibly rich and handsome.

• There’s the coolest Lego spaceship I’ve ever seen over at SciFi Wire, and that’s not just because I always had a soft spot for Stargate: Atlantis. Plus, they link you to the 15-year-old artist’s (what do you call a Lego-sculptor?) Flickr site for even more of his starship constructions.

• Over at AfterElton.com, I took a only-slightly queer look at Alice In Wonderland, but mostly that was an excuse to post a mountain of media about the movie. There are trailers, interviews, and my favorite – the character progressions showing how they got the Red Queen’s head to look that big or the motion capture on the Tweedles. It’s really fascinating how much of this movie is CGI.

• Looking to help Legend of the Seeker get a third season? The folks over at HerBlueEyes.com (a Bridget Regan fan site) offer helpful suggestions, and even a sample letter to be sent to local affiliates!

• And finally, this picture may be old, but it tugged at my heart strings. Evoking the signpost from M*A*S*H, we see distances to all our favorite fantasy realms. I wish I knew who created this so I could thank them.

• Crystal Reed sat down to talk a bit about the new MTV movie/pilot for Teen Wolf, and she swears it doesn’t suck. She claims it has a darker, more romantic tone, and is visually more like True Blood. She also says the wolf is more human than wolf because he’s a young werewolf.

• Doctor Who will arrive on American shores April 17^th, two weeks after it hits the traditional Easter Eve broadcast in the UK.

• Danny Glover is back on the silver screen, this time starring in Dragon Fire as Captain Ahab. If that made you do a double take, it should, because Dragon Fire is Moby Dick, but with dragons instead of a white whale.

• Brian Dorf has another photo gallery of the construction on The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Orlando, and while there’s still some scaffolding up, it looks about ready to put some landscaping down under the roller coaster.

• The Telegraph has this really neat gallery of a sculpture contest sponsored by Scotch tape — you read that right. My favorite piece is the dragon pictured here (it sparkles full size), but you should really go and look at all of them. These are people with talent — and a great deal of time on their hands.

• The ratings for Spartacus: Blood and Sand rebounded considerably from the dip they took against the Opening Ceremonies. In fact, it was almost a series high this past week for the duel against the Shadow of Death.

• I came across two visits to the set of Nightmare on Elm Street 2010, and both said basically the same thing: this might not suck. Dark Horizons describes a few scenes in detail, while Bloody Disgusting emphasizes the stunts and the underpinnings of the world that’s being rebuilt in this film. And we have the trailer below.

• Warner Bros. thinks it can manufacture success like Twilight, and is moving forward with plans for Girl With the Red Riding Hood, a modern update on the Grimm Brothers tale. To ensure success, they’re replaced the wolf with werewolves, and brought in Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke to direct.

• In comics news, launching next week, at the same time as the Star Trek:TNG #24, we have the rather poorly titled Star Trek Movie Adaptation #1, based around the slightly skewed Roddenberry universe of last summer’s film. Looking at a few pages though, all the characters look like Commander Data to me, but I’m not much of an art student.

• The Guardian has a list of tips for aspiring authors from some of the greats in the field, including fantasy legend Neil Gaiman. While most of the authors seem to focus on syntax and structure, I like that Neil focuses on writing, one word after the other. That’s the hardest part, even as a blogger. The first sentence of this news summary took two hours to write. All the others flowed much more easily.

• While we’re talking about Neil Gaiman, he put a short post over on Tor.com saying his very existence in the literary field is entirely Michael Moorecock’s fault. So if by some chance you don’t like Neil, you know where to send the complaints.

• Charles Stross is mainly know for his science fiction, but some of his early work deals with the concept of the occult and monsters, and what would happen if the government had to get involved in regulating that like it does weapons of mass destruction. Which makes a lot of sense in the books, but less when summarized. In any case, he crosses genres, and he recently sat down for a casual interview with Tech4Thought.com to discuss what science fiction is.

• Recently, Action Comics #1 sold for a record $1 million (said best in Dr. Evil voice). Action Comics #1 is the first appearance anywhere of Superman, or after this event, Superwallet. Fortunately, Action Comics #1 ranks at the top of the list for most expensive comics.

• The shooter in the deaths at the University of Alabama played Dungeons & Dragons, so that must of been why the killings happened. Of course it’s not why the killings happened, and people need to stop saying such silly things about such tragic news.

• I’ve groused a bit before about the apparent lack of humor in Avatar: The Last Airbender, and this interview with Jackson Rathbone, who plays Sokka, doesn’t help my concern. Sokka is the comic relief, and the humanizing factor in the cartoon, as he has not bending of the elements. Here he mostly talks about fighting in the movie, and how it helped him for Twilight: Eclipse.

• Matthew Goode has auditioned for the part of Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, which is good news in that they seem to be making progress if auditions are happening. It’s bad news because I just can’t see Matthew Goode as Bilbo — he’s almost impossibly handsome and would make a better elf.

• Fox has picked up the rights to a series of science fiction books by John Twelve Hawks called the Fourth Realm Trilogy and has set Watchmen co-writer Alex Tse to turn them into screenplays. While the description says they’re science fiction, it also says the heroes can use a sort of astral projection to send their spirits into other dimensions, so it seems to scramble some genres. Has anyone read them?

• io9.com gives a gallery of some DC Comics cosplayers from France, and frankly, they’re hot. These are not your normally gathering of geeks – some of these girls could be runway models. As for the guys, well, that looks about normal.

• The most recent ratings for The Legend of the Seeker show that through February 13, it was tying season highs, and looking really good. The only issue I see for renewal is that the syndication market is really rough right now, and original programming is pricey. But this looks like a consistent performance.

• How To Train Your Dragon has stopped bombarding us with silly Olympic spoofs and release a theatrical trailer. I have to admit, the more I see, the less opposed I am to seeing this movie. I’m not sold yet, but I do like some of the action scenes in this trailer, and I’m willing to forgive what I see as an uninspiring animation style.

• Mickey Rourke is in demand these days. Not only is he finishing up his role as Whiplash in Iron Man 2, he’s also being pursued for a couple of fantasy scripts, including the role of Conan’s father in the Conan the Barbarian remake starring Jason Mamoa. Also in the fantasy realm is casting for King Hyperion in War of the Gods with Henry Cavill of Tudors fame.

• There’s a list available of all the authors that are opting out of Google’s book scanning project, and it’s bad news for science fiction and fantasy fans, because all the big favorites are on the list, not just Ursula K. Le Guin.

• Peter Berg’s Battleship movie won’t begin with an alien battle, even if it gets there eventually. And it won’t be in 3D, either, making it a bit of an oddball for action films. But not to worry – Taylor Lautner’s Stretch Armstrong will be reach out from the screen to grab you in full, wondrous 3D.

• I want to finish with two clips from Alice In Wonderland, which is opening next week. The first is the most extensive world building and interview piece we’ve seen to date, and several new actors like the Tweedle’s Matt Lucas appear in it.

• And the second is a short clip from the film where Anne Hathaway as the White Queen makes a magic potion to shrink Alice back to the right size. Some of the ingredients are a little questionable – I might just stay tall.

• Joss Whedon is looking for Comic-Con superfans for the documentary he’s developing with Super Size Me’s Morgan Spurlock. I don’t really know their angle, but consider Morgan (who I went to high school with) so immersed himself in junk food he nearly died to make his big film — so we could be looking at a geek reenactment of epic proportions.

• As for geek reenactments of slightly less-epic proportions, more than 100 Star Wars fans flashmobbed a shopping mall in Bristol, England for a massive lightsaber battle. Yes, there’s a video:

• Something was in the water in the UK, because days later, 99 costumed cosplayers dressed up in their Federation finest showed up at the London launch of the Star Trek MMO. They were trying to set the record for most costumed Trek fans in one place. I’d like to make a joke, but I can’t stop starring at the rack on Beverly Crusher.

• It’s official: you can see the trailer for Eclipse when Robert Pattinson’s Remember Me opens in theaters March 12.

• In case you’re waiting breathlessly for Sharktopus on SyFy March 13, you can whet your whistle with the network’s showing of Dinoshark, also from director Roger Corman. In the article, Corman explains how you get a Sharktopus in the first place, and as usual, the U.S. military is involved.

• Over at Entertainment Weekly, Michael Ausiello thinks that The Legend of the Seeker is a safe bet for renewal. He also gives dish on the March 20^th episode where Kahlan has a spell put on her, and Richard has to protect her greatest enemy to save her. I don’t watch the series, but based on my memory of the books, I’m going with Shota.

• This picture hit my inbox with no explanation — it could be real, it could be fake. All I know is that the combination of features in the image is slightly terrifying. Anybody want to explain how this isn’t scary?

• In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Sir Anthony Hopkins gives his take on playing Odin in Thor, and while he calls it a “ruthless charm,” I’d go with pig-headed.

• Director Stephen Norrington’s new take on The Crow will film before he gets around to Patrol, since he actually has a script on The Crow, even if he’s not telling us what it is. All we know is that it’s not a sequel/prequel, just a new look at the mythology.

• Viceland had a list of the Dumbest Action Figures of All Time that ranges from Mozart to George Lucas to Wonder Woman. It’s a bizarre walk through toys that never should have been.

• There’s a new feature trailer out for The Secret of Kells, and the more I see of this fantasy/historical animation, the more determined I am to see it.

• Eureka Unscripted takes us into the rather bland geek-den that the writers of the quirky SyFy program hole up in to create their imaginary technologies, which still make more sense that the science on Fringe.

• Slashfilm gives us a rambling interview with Mike Newell, the director of Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It doesn’t really spend much time on the movie, but more discusses Mr. Newell’s rather eclectic career choices. My favorite line? “The great thing about guys like me is I don’t have to make anything.” I love an honest man.

• All of Hollywood and the blogosphere is buzzing that Stephen Spielberg may go make something with dinosaurs again. We’re not talking about revisiting Jurassic Park (someone else is make those three films), but Terra Nova, a television series being called Land of the Lost , but nice. I keep having weird flashes of dinosaurs done on a television budget, and all I see is Primeval, and do we really need to see that again?

• Avatar gets the FunnyOrDie treatment today with Bavatar, where babies transfer themselves into adult bodies so they can gain control of the kitchens from the adult world.

• EA says Dragon Age: Origins has sold 3.2 million copies, an astounding run guaranteed to bring sequels and expansion packs for years to come. Bring on more of that troll on elf lovin’.

• The most elusive part of Avatar: The Last Airbender (besides any hint of humor) has been Appa, the six-legged flying bison. With only the briefest cameo in the trailer, our best indication of the live-action version of Ang’s best friend may be the toys that will accompany the film. Based on this gallery, well, it looks like a six legged flying bison. I don’t know why my mind thinks a plastic Appa is wrong, and he should be plush, but it does.

• Ratings for Spartacus: Blood and Sand were down Friday night opposite the Olympics Opening Ceremonies, which was no surprise, but numbers for rebroadcasts are up. Starz has a bona fide hit on their hands.

• We have a featurette from How to Train Your Dragon that makes me not hate the film as much as all the shameless Olympic plugs have been making me hate it. Mostly because we spend some time getting to know all the dragon types, and it sounds like someone thought about this for a while.

• And finally, we have a new featurette for Alice In Wonderland, this time focusing on the world building and the non-human creatures in that world like the Bandersnatch and the March Hare, who finally speaks. All in all, about four seconds of new footage, and three seconds of old footage with new sound — but what sound it is when the Bandersnatch roars!

• This story tripped all of my geek senses – io9.com asked what if Doctor Who had done a musical episode before Buffy had? And of course they answered their own question, with video of the fifth Doctor, Peter Davison, and his then-wife doing a Cinderella-themed pantomime one Christmas.

• Legend Stan Lee is creating a wholly new comic book and it’s the ultimate vanity project. It’s about seven aliens who get stranded on earth when their spaceship crashes. They then befriend none other than Stan Lee. The Super Seven title will launch from Archie and A Squared Entertainment this fall.

• The Hughes brothers have successfully launched The Book of Eli, and their new project is a graphic novel adaptation. A live-action Akira is in the works, finally, from Warner Bros. I’ve been against an Akira movie for years, but the technology may finally be there to make it doable.

• Alice in Wonderland released yet another featurette, this time delving deeper into the madness of the Hatter. It also brings up things I’d never thought of, like Johnny Depp needing to be sure he did his sword fighting like the Mad Hatter would fight, and not like Captain Jack Sparrow.

• Katherine Bigelow and Robert Rodriguez have both passed on Caesar, the Planet of the Apes prequel. Now the script has been floated down the mountain to directors like Pierre Morel and Scott Stewart. Why Fox doesn’t get the hint that this is a Bad Idea I have no idea. Who would you like to see direct it?

• The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America (SFWA) have removed all links to Amazon from their authors’ webpages in protest of the ongoing clash with the Internet giant over ebook pricing. I work for authors, and earn my living producing marginally creative content, so I understand wanting value for your work, but it really seems like nobody is going to come out of this a winner, especially the fans.

• I’ve been meaning to share this concept art of the Guardians of the Universe from the upcoming Green Lantern movie. Much creepier than the cartoons I’m used to.

• Mickey Mouse and the World Yet To Come is a new comics series that started yesterday, mixing elements of classic Mickey with science fiction. It looked a little silly to me, but I showed it to a friend who loves all things Disney and he flipped. Your mileage may vary.

• On Caprica, is young Willie Adama actually William Adama as we know him on Battlestar Galactica? There are some theories out there that say no – his mother’s name is wrong, he’s the wrong age, and a few other details. If this turns out to be true, it’s a mind frak worthy of the BSG universe, but it’s kind of sick and twisted too.

• Also over on SyFy, we talked about their dark reimaginings of classic fairy tales, and expressed some excitement about the new take on Hansel and Gretel. The first trailer is out for Beauty and the Beasts, and while the story may have changed, the CGI budget for effects is pure SyFy.

• Details of the new live action Star Wars television show are starting to leak out, and it sounds a little Star Wars Christmas Special-y to me. Canon conflicts abound, and books have been canceled to make sure no new conflicts pop up.

• Marvel announced the launch of Heroic Age with Avengers #1 in May 2010. They’ve calling it a more colorful version of the heroes. I’m calling it abdominal muscles that don’t exist in nature. But poor Thing, he looks like even more of a blockhead than normal.

• The dangers of time travel are perfectly illustrated in this hilarious clip from CollegeHumor.com riffing on Back To the Future and how things probably would have happened if Hollywood hadn’t been shooting for a PG-13 rating.

• Golden Age science fiction author Phillip Klass, who wrote under the name William Tenn, has passed away at the age of 89. He specialized in humorous, warped stories and was someone I personally discovered in the tattered paperbacks of my middle school.

• Ain’t it Cool News has a couple of reviews of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and they’re mixed. One thing that neither addresses, which worries me, is that the trailers just aren’t funny. The cartoon was a wondrous mix of action, heart, world building and comic relief. How can I tell from the 30-second trailer from last week? I can’t. But this new longer trailer doesn’t bring the chuckles either.

• Michael Shanks thinks Stargate SG1 is toast. No more movies or anything. He even paints a dismal picture of Stargate Atlantis doing any movies. He seems please with his Supernatural cameo, but in odd news, he’s up for a part in Hawaii Five-O with Alex O’Loughlin and Daniel Dae Kim.

• Roland Emmerich tells MTV that his Foundation trilogy will be done with Avatar (blue guys) motion capture technology, because he doesn’t know how else it could be filmed. That’s rich coming from a guy who specializes in destroying the planet in all of his movies.

• Twilight: Breaking Dawn is being split into two movies. There, that’s all the enthusiasm I can muster.

• EA has a new Dragon Age in the pipeline for next year, along with Dead Space 2. I seriously doubt either will run on my Sega Dreamcast, so I can’t be too excited.

• Esquire has a photo spread of hottie FringeAnna Torv, and while she’s hiding the tasty bits, she’s nude. She doesn’t come across as naughty enough to be called nekkid, but it’s always the innocent ones.

• SyFy is pushing into programming for the 2-17 year-old set. The first products will be something called Dr. What and a property based on the de Blob video game. No word on where or when the programming will run, except “across all platforms.”

• Buried deep in “Ask Ausiello” over at Entertainment Weekly is news of Parker Stevenson of Hardy Boy fame showing up as a nobleman on Legend of the Seeker. After a deal with the Keeper goes wrong, he kidnaps Kahlan and Cara has to go undercover to rescue her. Ausiello actually says he has multiple spoilers for the show, but this is all he’s coughing up right now.

• I can’t think of a better way to wish you a great weekend than to announce that SyFy is developing an Original Picture called Sharktopus.

• The Hubble Telescope has found a spiral galaxy living by the “live fast, die young” philosophy. NGC-2976 (they need to employ a better naming scheme if NASA wants their budget back) got a little frisky with a bigger galaxy sometime in the past and went nuts making stars to the point that it just doesn’t have it left in it anymore.

• We mentioned before that Daniel Craig was putting on the spurs in the lead role in Cowboys vs. Aliens, but every cowboy needs a cowgirl, and Olivia Wilde is ready to mount up. The John Favreau project is the second sci-fi/fantasy piece in a row for the House actress, who has been hard at work on Tron: Legacy.

• In news I could live without, the change at the top of DC Comics is clearing the way for Watchmen 2. Nobody that was associated with Watchmen being the best-selling graphic novel in DC history will touch the project, but the suits are already counting their money.

• The Palantir (that would be me) once had to go to the bathroom during season two of Lost. He hasn’t understood a thing since. That’s why this parody from TV Wasteland makes him laugh.

• Catching up with John Wagner, the creater of Judge Dredd, we find that he’s read the script and seen some of the visuals for the new movie, and likes what he sees. He also dishes on Dredd aging, how 70 is the new 40.

• Last month we showed you the Star Wars Burlesque show, now io9.com has pictures of the more generalized Sci-Fi Burlesque show, adding Leeloo and Silk Spectre, among others.

• Sam Raimi may have walked away (or been pushed) from  Spider-Man, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to do a genre film. He’s planning to remake The Shadow. Is there not a new comic book character to exploit?

• SyFy has announced a development slate of original SyFy movies based around dark retellings of fairy tales. Hansel will be an imagining where twenty years after the original woods trip, Hansel returns to the woods for revenge. But the twist is he finds Gretel has become the witch’s apprentice. Just one of SyFy’s many ideas to get into making something other than tornado movies.

• You’ve probably heard that there’s a new live-action/CGI Smurfs movie under development. The producers of said project occasionally leak concept art that people pray to be fake. This is another such piece of art. But it comes with a story that the movie will be set in New York City because Smurf Village is in Central Park. Mayor Bloomberg has summoned Papa Smurf to his office to discuss back taxes.

• Dragon Age: Origins Expansion has got a glittery version of the Ghost Dragon, and the new DLC content Return to Ostagar has finally hit the Xbox 360 and PC.

• Alice In Wonderland continues to release new trailers and featurettes. The latest marketing assault is to give us slightly different trailers across all of Disney’s major networks, ABC, ESPN, and ABC Family. We’ll start with ABC Family, and then move to ABC. Play them together and note the not-so-subtle, but fascinating differences:

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• Tor.com has a piece on why the Oscars don’t respect genre films, and hints that if the Best Picture category wasn’t expanded to 10 films this year, none of the genre films would have been nominated.

• Universal Studios Orlando isn’t the only park getting a cool new attraction. Well, depending on how you define “new,” they are. But King Kong is coming back to Universal Studios Hollywood, and it’s in 3-D.

• Locus Online has come out with their consensus Recommended Reading List 2009, and there are a few books on there I really enjoyed, like Transition and Ark. But we can all use more books in our life, so I’m going to try something else I haven’t read. What about you – what looks tasty?

• On April 6, 2010, we can go back to The Shire. No, no – they’re still going nowhere with Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, but that’s when Ralph Bakshi classic animated Lord of the Rings movie comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray.

• Speaking of The Hobbit, Elijah Wood wants James McAvoy as Bilbo Baggins. For some reason, that seems like it should count for something.

• Going in the other direction from LoTR, we have Andy Serkis, who voiced Gollum, trying to get someone to make a biopic of Bono, and he wants to play the rocker. No word on why Bono wouldn’t just play Bono, because Bono seems to be pretty good at playing Bono.

• Remember that Ollivander’s Wand Shop video we had? Well, Universal shelled out $2.6 million to promote The Wizarding World of Harry Potter on the Super Bowl this Sunday. The park addition itself seems fairly amazing — this multi-million dollar spot, notsomuch.

• Reaper was a quirky, fun show that died too soon. It had a delightful mix of comedy and action, and promised an intriguing story arc that never got finished. Since it died quietly, we never heard that story, but if you talk to the creators, they’ll tell it all, including the mystery of Sam’s father.

2010 is shaping up to be an exciting year for fantasy fans. There are at least 15 films slated for release this year, and we’ve got a full preview!

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Lightning Thief
Release date: Feb. 12
Based on the best-selling series by Rick Riordan, Lightning Thief tells the story of Percy Jackson, an American teenager afflicted with ADHD and dyslexia, who discovers on a school field trip that he is the son of Poseidon. (You know, the god of sea and earthquakes. The angriest of the Big Three.) Percy’s mission is to find Zeus’ stolen lightning bolt and prevent a civil war from breaking out among the gods — who, by the way, have moved Olympus from the mythical mountain to the mythical 600th floor of The Empire State Building. Percy also has to rescue his mother from the Underworld, and — presumably — wrestle with the tourists that swarm The Empire State building every Valentine’s Day.

The Wolfman
Release date: Feb. 12
The Wolfman has a long, proud history of scarring the crap out of anyone willing to leave home on the night when the wolfbane blooms. The film has been remade five times since its 1924 debut, and each time it falls firmly in the “horror” category. In this incarnation, Oscar winners Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins team up as Lawrence Talbot and Sir John Talbot, a haunted father and son team searching for their missing brother/son. Lawrence finds himself falling in love with his brother’s fiance, and then falling under the spell of the full moon. We’re holding out hope for a special guest appearance by Michael J. Fox, surfing by the sleepy Victorian hamlet of Blackmoor on top of a van.

Alice in Wonderland
Release date: Mar. 5
In Tim Burton’s vividly re-imagined Alice in Wonderland, Alice falls down the rabbit hole at the age of 19. She doesn’t remember ever having been to Wonderland before, but you can bet your shrinking potion that Helena Bonham Carter’s Red Queen remembers her. Alice reunites with the White Rabbit, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the Dormouse, the Caterpillar, the Cheshire Cat, and of course, the Mad Hatter. (Played by Michael Sheen, Matt Lucas, Barbara Windsor, Alan Rickman, Stephen Fry and Johnny Depp, respectively.) The teaser trailer promised stunning visuals and the second trailer actually hinted at an engaging plot. Disney will be offering the film in their patented Digital 3D, just in case you missed out on attending a rave when you were in college.

Season of the Witch
Release Date: Mar. 19
Nicholas Cage plays a battle-worn and weary Crusader who returns to Europe for supplies, only to find himself recruited by a dying Cardinal. His mission is to escort a young woman to a remote abbey where she will stand trial for being a witch. Only this peasant is not your run of the mill Salem sorcerer; no, this witch is responsible for The Black Plague. Can Cage decode the map on the back of the Magna Carta in time to discover the secret message on the inside of King Arthur’s chalice in time to unlock the sacred chisel with which he must carve the answers to the world’s toughest Sudoku? And can he do it in time to save the entire continent from death? Oh, these are the Dark Ages indeed!

Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang
Release date: Mar. 25
As the star, screenwriter and producer of this sequel, Emma Thompson has made Nanny McPhee her pet project. The film’s official description reads “A group of children are evacuated from the city to a farm during wartime, where they encounter Nanny McPhee, the magic-wielding governess.” So, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe meets Mary Poppins. Unfortunately, Thompson was so preoccupied with the role, that she couldn’t find time to return as Professor Trelawney in the final installment of Harry Potter. It’s a hard pill to swallow considering that Ralph Fiennes (Lord Voldemort himself) is headlining Thompson’s Big Bang.

Clash of the Titans
Release date: Mar. 26
Another remake of a beloved fantasy classic, Clash of the Titans follows Perseus (born of a god, raised by a man) as he risks his life for the right to marry Princess Andromeda. He must battle Medusa and the Kraken monster as he follows his quest to forbidden worlds to defeat Hades (Ralph Fiennes) before the King of the Underworld can unseat Zeus (Liam Neeson). We don’t mind the remakes, as long as Clash of the Titans doesn’t fall victim to Hollywood’s latest fantasy craze: refusing to properly conclude a story, just in case the studio decides to fund a sequel. The only respectable exception would be the appearance of Kinopio Toad: “We’re sorry Perseus, but your Princess is in another castle.”

The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Release date: May 7
Poor Peter and Susan Pevensie, kicked out of Narnia for learning to shave and discovering makeup. But Edward and Lucy, played by Skandar Keynes and Georgie Henley (arguably the more talented of the four child stars who relaunched The Chronicles of Narnia) are back, and they’re bringing Prince Caspian with them. Unfortunately, they’re also bringing Narnia’s own Cousin Oliver, Eustace Clarence Scrubb. (We’re counting on Reepicheep to drown him out. Or just drown him.) Dawn Treader will follow the plot of C.S. Lewis’ original story: The younger Pevensies join forces with Caspian as he sails to the edge of the world, battling dufflepuds, slave traders, dragons, merfolk, and plenty of Christian symbolism along the way.

Iron Man 2
Release date: May 7
Robert Downey Jr’s celebrated Tony Stark is back in the second part of the Iron Man trilogy. This time, the whole world knows that the industrialist inventor is the man in the armored suit. The military, the American government and the media are all pushing him to share his technology with the world, but Stark knows enough about humanity to realize it’s a terrible idea. Don Cheadle will be taking over for Terrance Howard as James “Rhodey” Rhodes. And Gwyneth Paltrow will return as Pepper Potts. Unfortunately Pepper drives Stark to the brink of alcoholism when she gets a new boyfriend. Apparently even bazillionaires need a reminder that you shouldn’t operate heavy machinery while under the influence.

Robin Hood
Release date: May 14
When Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood hits theaters, it will be the tenth time the story has been adapted for the big screen. This incarnation follows the more traditional version of the story: Robin of Loxley, Earl of Huntington, returns to London after fighting in the Crusades to find that his village has been plundered at the hands of the Sheriff of Nottingham (Matthew Macfadyen). So, Robin forms a group of rough and tumble Merry Men to steal back their money and their land, and win the heart of Maid Marian (Cate Blanchett). Of course, the real question is whether or not the soundtrack can hope to compete with Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” from 1991’s Prince of Thieves. We’re guessing probably not.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Release date: May 28
A movie based on a video game? Why not; it worked for Angelina Jolie! In Prince of Persia, Jake Gyllenhaal plays Dastan, an Aladdin-like street-urchin in Medieval Persia. After showing unique valor in battle, the King adopts Dastan and sends him off to reclaim the Sands of Time (a gift from the gods that, um, controls the sands of time). Prince of Persia is the fourth Disney/Bruckheimer collaboration, and if the team’s other films (all three Pirates of the Caribbean) are any indication, it should enjoy plenty of mainstream success. And cross-promotion with Happy Meals. And Legos. And graphic novels. And, of course, another video game.

Jonah Hex
Release date: June 18
D.C. is auctioning off its lesser-known heroes right and left these days. Jonah Hex is a caustic, curmudgeonly, former Confederate States Army soldier whose face is scarred almost beyond recognition. He’s got all of the swagger of Clint Eastwood, without any of the charm. Josh Brolin stars as Hex in the movie adaptation, along with John Malkovich as Quentin Turnbull (the bad guy), and Megan Fox as a trigger-happy prostitute. Er, trigger-happy with the guns. Actual guns. Revolvers. Turnbull’s plan is a Civil War do-over, and Hex has been hired as the bounty hunter who must shut him down. The plot sounds almost as plausible as Malkovich with a southern accent. We totally buy Megan Fox’s role, though.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Release date: June 30
We haven’t really heard much about this movie. It’s apparently some kind of adaptation of a vampire romance novel. There may have been some movies before this one, but they must have flopped at the box office. From what we’ve heard, there’s a vampire with some wicked crazy hair, and a werewolf who refuses to wear a shirt, and a helpless girl who sits in her room listening to emo music and writing fan fiction about herself. We also heard something about sparkles and middle-aged women wearing t-shirts to support either the wicked hair or the abs. If any other information becomes available, we’ll let you know. This thing will probably go straight to DVD, though.

The Last Airbender
Release date: July 2
M. Night Shyamalan directing a Nickelodeon movie? Who’d have guessed it? (Us, actually. M. Night Shyamalan sees dollar signs.) The Last Airbender is a live-action adaptation of the super popular Nick cartoon series Avatar: The Last Airbender. The premise of the cartoon is that Earth, Fire, Water and Air can be controlled by “benders.”  Aang is the Avatar, and the last surviving member of Air Nomads. His purpose is to restore balance and overthrow the Fire Nation’s Admiral Zhao, but first he must learn to focus and bend all of the elements. Fortunately, the creators of the series left out the fifth element, Heart. That poor kid with the Heart ring on Captain Planet had the lamest superpower ever.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Release date: July 16
Nicholas Cage is back with more fantasy, this time in a live-action adaptation of the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” scene from Disney’s Fantasia. (You remember? Mickey and those crazy mops!) Cage plays Balthazar Blake, a master sorcerer who sets out to protect his city from an evil wizard. He recruits a young apprentice, Dave Stutler (Jay Baruchel) to help him. After a crash-course in magic (and what could possibly go wrong when you put those two words together?), Stutler joins Blake’s quest in a Disney-esque battle of Good versus Evil. The film looks to be a lot less trippy than the actual “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” from Fantasia. So if you’re looking for a mind-bend, you’ll have to watch Burton’s Alice in Wonderland on DVD.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Release date: Nov 17
If you thought Dumbledore’s death was tragic, wait until the first five minutes of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, when Harry’s beloved and loyal companion, Hedwig, gets (spoiler alert) blasted out of the sky. As promised, Harry, Ron and Hermione don’t return for their seventh year at Hogwarts. Instead they must decode Dumbledore’s mission for them from beyond the grave while trying to find and destroy the fragments of Voldemort’s soul that he’s hidden in horcruxes around the country. The path toward victory is strewn with casualties and heartbreak. Even the unshakable trio will find themselves turning against one another. Director David Yates is sticking with the films until the final expelliarmus.

Tron Legacy
Release date: Dec. 17
Tron Legacy is the nerdgasmic sequel to Disney’s 1982 film. Jeff Bridges return as Kevin Flynn, and and Bruce Boxleitner will reprise his roles as Alan Bradley and Tron. Garrett Hedlund will take over as Kevin’s now-adult son, Sam, who gets sucked into the same world his father disappeared into 25 years earlier. (We knew he was alive!) The father/son team join forces and traverse the treacherous cyber terrain, which has become much more sophisticated since we last saw it.

Obviously, a tie-in video game will be released in time for Christmas.

What 2010 fantasy film are you most looking forward to?

Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at the week in fantasy. You’ve been warned!

COULD THE HOBBIT SUCK?

With the news (since shot down) that Tobey Maguire is once again the front-runner to play Bilbo in The Hobbit, I’m starting to get this sinking feeling that the movie, if it ever actually happens, will end up being a massive disappointment.

It’s not just a question of sky-high expectations — my expectations for The Two Towers and The Return of the King were just as high, and both those movies actually (far) exceeded them.

Then again, those weren’t your usual sequels. The Lord of the Rings may have been released over three years, but it was, of course, conceived and mostly filmed at one time. In many ways, it was “one” movie.

And let’s face it: with all the delays and lawsuits, and now these endless, pointless casting rumors, The Hobbit movies are starting to feel like the never-ending health care debate in the U.S.: no matter what happens now, everyone is going to end up disappointed and cranky.

But in retrospect, at least when it comes to health care, that disappointment was probably inevitable. There are simply too many hopes and dreams (and masters to serve and pipers to pay) for it to have not ended up this way.

I hope I’m wrong, but I think the same could be true for The Hobbit.

Yes, I understand that most of the key players involved in The Lord of the Rings will be involved with The Hobbit. On paper, you have to admit, “There’s no way these movies can suck! They just have to do exactly what they did before! How hard is that?”

But it’s when you start to think like that, of course, the universe really sticks it to you. On “paper,” there’s no way a Peter Jackson version of King Kong could disappoint either, but we all know how that turned out.

The same goes for George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford re-teaming to make a new Indiana Jones movie after all these years — and, again, we all know how Kingdom of the Crystal Skull turned out.

The older I get, the more I think that art expresses a feeling and, more importantly, a moment in time (for both the creator and the viewer).

It’s impossible to recreate a moment in time. It simply can’t be done. You might create a new, maybe better moment, but you simply can’t go back to that which is already past. The fact that each moment is totally unique and transitory is part of what makes “time” special.

I think smart artists recognize this and always try to move forward, never even trying to recreate an artistic triumph of the past. The few successful movie sequels (or prequels), like Aliens, completely rethink the premise of the franchise — but, of course, that’s hard for anyone to do successfully, much less the filmmaker who originated a franchise and had such success the first time around.

Can Peter Jackson do it again? Does it help that Guillermo Del Toro, not Peter Jackson, is directing? (Despite my initial disappointment, the further we get from that announcement, the more I think this was an excellent decision. I think this at least gives us a shot at greatness.)

Anyway, I want to believe The Hobbit movies will be great, I really do. But I confess, I’m losing faith.

HEY, HE’S A MODERN-DAY DA VINCI!

A friend sent me a link to the website of a fantasy-esque artist named John Pitre.

His art isn’t bad, but his website is so over-the-top that it kinda has to be read to be believed. It calls him a “visionary” at the top of every page and has a bio that brags that one of his inventions was featured in “one of TV’s most successful infomercial” and refers to him as a “modern-day DaVinci.”

For one thing, it’s spelled “da Vinci,” not “DaVinci,” which is a hint that he may not be replacing the original Renaissance man just yet.

Here are some of John’s works:

Now that I think about it, maybe if “DaVinci” were alive, he would be involved with infomercials! Hey, a guy’s gotta eat.

Not surprisingly, I get over-hyped press materials like this all the time. I guess a lot of publicists think journalists will read them and think, “Wow, if this press release says it, it must be true! I’ll just mindlessly repeat this in my article!” When, of course, the exact opposite is true, and we usually end up writing snarky posts like this.

THE ALICE IN WONDERLAND HYPE MACHINE KICKS INTO OVERDRIVE

Here’s a (very) short featurette about the character of The Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland. As always, it looks like it’ll be visually incredible:

THE IDIOT BOX

On Friday, most programming is being preempted by the Hope For Haiti telethon, but there are two premieres: the two-hour Battlestar Galactica prequel Caprica (9 PM, SyFy). I thought it started strong, but then got way too bogged down in character introduction and world set-up. I’m told things get better in eps three and four (in the next few weeks), but I don’t think I’ll be sticking around to find out. (I’m generally sort of anti-prequel to begin with, a feeling that was forever confirmed by The Phantom Menace.)

Also premiering on Friday, of course, is Spartacus: Blood and Sand (10 PM, Starz). Here’s what we thought of the series, but for the record, I thought the pilot was (by far) the weakest of the four episodes I’ve seen. It makes it seem much more conventional than it actually is.

This weekend, there’s a new episode of Legend of the Seeker (syndicated, check local listings).

On Thursday, there’s a new The Vampire Diaries (8 PM, the CW), Fringe (9 PM, Fox), and Supernatural (9 PM, The CW). In the latter, Sam switches bodies with a teenage nerd, who enjoys his handsome new body while “Sam” is stuck dealing with intrusive parents. Sounds funny, but I confess: I’m surprised by how many “funny” episodes they’ve already done this season.

Oh, and if anyone is curious to hear what I sound like, I’m a guest this week on Alpha Waves Radio’s podcast, talking about how “gay” the would-be American remake of Torchwood is (or isn’t) likely to be.

THE BOX OFFICE

Two fantasy movies open this weekend: The Tooth Fairy and Legion. I was curious as to why I hadn’t been invited to a press screening for the latter, and it turns out they didn’t do press screenings. That is a sure sign that the movie almost certainly stinks. I was going to catch a midnight showing tonight for a early-morning review, but you know what? Since I’m certain it’ll suck, I’m thinking I’ll just skip it.

The Tooth Fairy was screened, but it’s getting terrible reviews, so I’m thinking I’ll skip that one too!

Well, this week’s flame has sputtered out, but join me again next week when I promise I won’t be nearly so cranky.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

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Have a question about something fantasy-related? Ask the Oracle! (Be sure to include your first name and the city, state, and/or country you are writing from.)

Q: What the HELL is going on with all the celebrity voices in animated movies?! Talk about over-kill! – Misha, New York NY

A: The Oracle agrees with you completely. Even setting aside the fact that acting talent is totally different from voice-talent (and that many celebrities’ voices just aren’t that interesting), their voices are usually just plain distracting — you can’t ever forget that, oh, yeah, that’s Reese Witherspoon as Susan in Monsters Vs Aliens. As much as I love Jack Black, he (and a LARGE group of other celebrities) almost ruined the otherwise enjoyable Kung Fu Panda for me.

Blame Robin Williams. When Aladdin was a big success, many people chalked it up to Williams’ hammy performance — mistakenly, in the Oracle’s opinion, since Williams is the least interesting thing about that movie.

(Actually, don’t blame Robin Williams for all this, because he made it a specific requirement that Disney not publicize his involvement in Aladdin — a requirement that they ignored and which led to years of truly bad blood between the actor and the studio.)

Anyway, studios like to rip each other off. Have you noticed? And every executive in Hollywood is looking for insurance that his or her latest $80 million dollar investment won’t be a bust — or that he or she won’t be blamed if it is. Enter the big-name celebrity, which is supposedly (and probably incorrectly) as close to a “sure thing” as you can get in the movies.

At this point, all the animation studios share equal blame. After their success with Aladdin, Disney continued using celebrity voices in Pocahontas and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Meanwhile, then-rival Pixar had break-out success with Tom Hanks and Tim Allen in Toy Story, and Dreamworks Animation dipped deep into the celebrity well for the Shrek movies (although to Mike Meyers’ credit, he insisted on doing his Shrek character with a thick accent — to the annoyance of the studio, since it meant some expensive re-dos).

Still, there’s nothing quite as bad as when a celebrity insists on doing multiple voices in a single project — as if The Polar Express wasn’t already bad enough without Tom Hanks doing seven different characters that all sounded completely alike. And the Oracle plans to take a cyanide capsule before subjecting himself to Jim Carrey in the upcoming A Christmas Carol.

Q: This may be a dumb question, but why isn’t it Dakota Fanning (or one of the other Fanning girls) in Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland? That seems like the obvious casting. — Evan, Decatur, IL

A: First, Burton’s version isn’t an exact retelling of the Alice in Wonderland story. In fact, it takes place several years after the events of Lewis Carroll’s original books, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. In the movie, Alice is 19 years old, returning to a Wonderland that she’s visited before, but that she doesn’t remember.

Second, to his great credit, Burton specifically wanted a relatively unknown actress to play Alice so as to not distract the audience — which is exactly what he got in the actress he cast, Mia Wasikowska.

Still, Burton had no such reservations about casting major celebrities as other iconic characters, including Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar, Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat, and Matt Lucas as Tweddledee and Tweddledum. That said, most of these actors are British, and as we’ve learned with the Harry Potter movies, even well-known British actors tend to do a pretty damn fine job of character acting.

Q: When exactly did Halloween go from being a “kids” holiday to an “adult” one? — Mave, Vancouver, BC

A: The Oracle can’t give you an exact moment, but he can give you the exact cause: the Baby Boom Generation. Two characteristics of that generation contributed to the change: first, less of an allegiance to tradition and organized religion, which has sometimes been unable to grasp the metaphorical meaning of Halloween, concentrating only on its literal connotations; and second, a realization that “fun” doesn’t have to stop just because you’re no longer a child (some people interpret this as an inability to “grow up,” but in the Oracle’s opinion, it’s actually expressing adulthood in a far healthier, more individually satisfying way).

There are plenty of good reasons to criticize the Baby Boom Generation, but their popularization of “geek” culture isn’t one of them. The Oracle bows down to them in grateful appreciation.

Have a question about something fantasy-related? Ask the Oracle! (Be sure to include your first name and the city, state, and/or country you are writing from.)