Two weeks ago, director Guillermo del Toro took the geek world by surprise by announcing that he was withdrawing from directing duties for the upcoming two-part movie version of The Hobbit. He later gave his reasons, but the Poison Pen was suspicious, so we did a little investigative work. Here is more or less how the whole thing REALLY went down:
- Joining the project in 2008, Del Toro is soon frustrated — specifically, the fact that he keeps being mistaken for a hobbit. And not just any hobbit: a Sackville-Baggins.
Guillermo Del Toro
- In April of 2009, del Toro turns in his script treatment. Because del Toro suffers from phobias, Peter Jackson is shocked to find that he has made a substantial number of revisions to the story: the elimination of all spiders (because of del Toro’s arachnophobia); moving Bilbo’s encounter with Gollum under the Misty Mountains to an open field at noon (because of del Toro’s fear of the dark and closed spaces); and his turning the character of Bilbo into a Carrie Bradshaw-like shoe-hound (because of del Toro’s paralyzing fear of hairy toes).
- In April of 2009, del Toro insists in a memo to the producers that there is no room in his vision of the story for Smaug.
- In June of 2009, concerned that del Toro’s vision of the movie is shaping up to be an utter disaster, the producers interview Chris Columbus as a possible replacement director. After actually watching Columbus’s movies, however, they decide they are still better off with del Toro.
- In September of 2009, much to the horror of the Tolkien estate, del Toro inks a product placement deal with Gillette that involves Gandalf being clean-shaven.
- In October of 2009, del Toro and co-screenwriter Fran Walsh come to blows over del Toro’s “great” idea for a “twist” ending: Bilbo comes upon a ruined Statue of Liberty, proving that Middle Earth was “earth” all along.
- In November of 2009, del Toro begins frothing at the mouth during a development meeting and must be involuntarily committed to an insane asylum for seven days. Chris Columbus once again offers his services as a replacement director, but the producers decide they’re still better off with del Toro.
- The big conflict of December 2009 involves five simple words: Taylor Lautner as Thorin Oakenshield.
- In January 2010, del Toro announces another product-placement deal that involves an iPad for Bard the Bowman.
- In February 2010, del Toro and Gollum actor Andy Serkis come to blows over the fact the del Toro wants to replace the famous “riddle battle” sequence with a scene where Bilbo gives Gollum a “make-over,” and the montage includes a guest appearance by Liza Minnelli singing a pre-Sex and the City 2 version of “Single Ladies (Put a One Ring on It).”
STILL better than Chris Columbus
- In March 2010, in a fit of pique, del Toro opens fire in the New Zealand office of New Line Studios, killing six people, including co-screenwriter Phillipa Boyens. The producers are convinced they’re still better off with him as director than Chris Columbus.
- In June 2010, furious that Peter Jackson has shot down his latest idea for a Battle of the Five Armies “interpretive dance” sequence, del Toro sets fire to himself and dies. Jackson ghost-writes del Toro’s heartfelt resignation letter on TheOneRing.net.
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- Everything Else That Can (and Probably WILL) Go Wrong with THE HOBBIT Movie
- Hugo Weaving, Ian McKellen, and Andy Serkis to Return for THE HOBBIT
- Guillermo del Toro No Longer Directing THE HOBBIT
- Will Peter Jackson Direct THE HOBBIT?
That’s unfortunate…I really would have liked to have seen that “interpretive dance” sequence…