Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:
- Readers of this site know that The Lord of the Rings‘ One Ring was created by Sauron during the Second Age in the fires of Mount Doom. But an upcoming book on the One Ring, Ring!, has revealed a little-known fact: Sauron made an earlier attempt at creating an item that would control all the other rings of power: the One Onion Ring, created deep within in the Deep Fat Fryers of Sammath Naur. Unfortunately, unlike the One Ring, which is impervious to everything except the fires of Mount Doom, the One Onion Ring was soon done in by a hungry orc with side of the delectable Tartar Sauce of Numenor.
- Tragedy to report from the offices of MTV. In preparation for the launch of their new winter series, Teen Wolf, the directive went out to hire “a new Teen Wolf publicist.” Unfortunately, a mix-up in human resources led them to hire an actual teen wolf … which was all well and good until the young man organized a promotional event for the show that happened to take place on a full moon. On the plus side, despite the carnage, the young man is reported to have terrific abs.
- Speaking of orcs, is it discrimination against them that caused Ugluki, the reigning Miss Mordor, to be expelled from the Miss Middle Earth Beauty Pageant, now underway in Caras Galadhon? She thinks so and has filed suit against the contest. “Discrimination?!” declares one of the organizers. “She disemboweled one of the judges and wrapped his entrails around her head!” Responds Ugluki, “But that’s my talent!”
- Han Solo’s foul new celebrity fragrance, Rogue, is already being called the biggest flop in the history of celebrity fragrances. Solo takes full responsibility for the failure, saying, “It should’ve been a red flag for me when they said they were making it with Tauntaun guts.”
- Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain green witch who once had a house fall on her sister, and then she — wait, that pretty much gives it away, doesn’t it? Doing blind items in fantasy is hard!
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