This article was originally published in November, 2009.
I’m a tolerant guy. I believe in the mantra “live and let live.” I don’t judge other people for what they do behind closed doors, provided no one is being hurt, everyone is an adult, and everything is consensual.
But I’m taking a stand: I think sex with a dead body is pretty effin’ nasty.
So why are all these fantasy heroines doing it?
Personally, I blame Buffy, that sexed up vampire slayer. The girl had a thang for corpses. Yes, corpses, plural, because she did the deed with not one but two vampires, and all the Buffy the Vampire Layer jokes that can ever be made have already been exhausted.
Psychic redneck Sookie Stackhouse from HBO’s True Blood didn’t just sleep with a vampire — she inhabits a world where many people, male and female, chase the excitement of sex with the undead, and are given the hilarious moniker “fangbangers.” Genius.
And Bella Swan from Twilight? Well … okay, I don’t really know because I’ve never read the books, but I read online that she and Emo King Edward Cullen do eventually make the beast with two backs, despite the entire story being some kind of weird allegory for teen chastity. (Because how else to encourage young girls to guard their virtue by inundating them with sexual images of guys like the one below?)
It’s funny, this new creature that is the sexually active vampire. Vampires have been sensual creatures ever since Bram Stoker penned Dracula, and Anne Rice reinvigorated the idea of erotically appealing vamps with Interview with the Vampire way back in 1973. But Dracula never actually sealed the deal with Mina Harker, and Anne Rice made it clear that these were dead bodies that just happened to be walking around.
Lest you think they work like living bodies, Rice specifies. Never one to shy away from descriptions of bodily functions, she explained that once a person becomes a vampire, their body evacuates itself, and they can never eat (food) again. Furthermore, all their … stuff … stops working, so no sex for Lestat, sexy as he may be.
But then along came Buffy and Angel, and their tragic romance — she was born to kill all vampires, and he got all fangy whenever he got excited. So naturally, who better to lose her virginity to? According to Angel, vampires don’t breathe, even though we see him panting and smoking cigarettes at times. What’s more, we’re informed that his heart isn’t beating. But if … well … doesn’t his heart have to beat, so blood can flow in order to … well, you see where I’m going with this.
In any case, ew.
All the rules of death were thrown at the window for True Blood, because those southern vampires have a lot of sex. With a lot of people. In every conceivable combination. They’re still dead, though, Sookie! Gross!
As for Bella, well, I can tell from the inescapable advertisements for New Moon that she’s involved in a love triangle between vampire Edward and werewolf Jacob, so I guess it’s a toss-up between necrophilia and bestiality. (I say go with the werewolf — at least he’ll keep you warm at night.)
I get the forbidden love, Romeo and Juliet angle that a relationship between a vampire and a human offers.
But ew! Dead bodies!
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To be fair to Bella, Her and Edward did have a baby together.
But everything else is so true!!!
nice
To be fair to dear Sookie, she doesn’t just sleep with vampires, she sleeps with all sorts of supernatural creatures, sure just like vampires best because she can’t here what there thinking unlike with most everything else; it gets crowed in a telepaths’ head, sort of detracts from the sex and all.
Oh will you guys get over yourselves already fuck why do people always have to make big deals over nothing
its just fiction its not like people are actually fucking dead people get a life
I love when people with no sense of humor take humor pieces literally. It’s hilarious.
It is rather amusing.
The worse thing about the “Twilight” franchise is that the author’s profits are tithed to a maniacal cult of which she is a member.
Mor(m)ons are creepier than any fake monster.
Not only are the women necrophiliacs but the vampires are all dirty old men. Aren’t Edward, Bill and Angel (even Stefan over at Vampire Diaries) over a hundred years old each? What does that say about them that the girls they fall in love with (with the exception of Sookie) would get carded at a bar?
This is the biggest issue.
1. Why would someone that old want to hang out with high school students (sookie doesnt count)…i am far younger and hanging out with high school students would seem like heck. Iguess with buffy being the slayer, maybe that can give you some wiggle room. But still she is a teenager and Angel is very old. He must be extremely immature.
2. If the vampires looked anywhere near their actual age (or say older than 40-50), this would instead be a Lifetime made for tv movie with a different morale about young girls being seduced by creepy old men.
Twilight has the extra silliness as it is about a creepy old man with homicidal/abuse tendencies (he does want to eat her) that is seducing a young teenage girl.
Highly LOL worthy.
But surely it was Xena: Warrior Princess who went there first given her romps with the very dead Marcus in “Mortal Beloved” in season 1. Of course, the exact terms of Marcus’ resurrection by Hades (Greek god of the Underworld) were never explicitly stated, but Marcus had been dead and taking up valuable real estate in Tartarus before he and Xena bumped uglies again.
I definitely don’t understand the appeal of a dead bed partner. The cold skin has enough of an “ewwwww” factor. Werewolves on the other hand seem much more appealing (although I can only think of a couple of female werewolves from recent TV shows, including the chick that Oz slept with in season 4 of “Buffy” and the quasi-werewolf princess seen on “Legend of the Seeker” in season 1).
The female werewolf from Angel was pretty hot too. She got bit by her little cousin or something and sought Angel to help cure her.
I think it was Oz who became a werewolf via a bite from his baby cousin.
The blonde werewolf on “Angel” (although I don’t think she was actually blonde when she was a werewolf) had been attacked by a werewolf when walking through a park or some such nonsense and the Fang Gang rescued her from a bunch of “rare animal eaters” or something or other. My fuzzy memory of that episode indicates it is time to re-watch my “Angel” DVDs again.
I guess there’s also always the possibility that Tarantino’s “Grindhouse” trailer about Female SS/Nazi Werewolves will be turned into a movie. Or not.
Yeah, you pretty much got the Nina and Oz stuff right.
This, and other reasons to go “ewww!” at vampires, hit me when I was 15. What’s up with the ones it doesn’t hit?
I’m wondering why you didn’t read the Twilight books…
BUT…BUT…BUT…EDWARD IS SOOOOOO DREAMY!!
Sarcasm, I hope.
Hilarious!