When I wrote this article over a year ago, I meant it as a joke. But with the news today that Peter Jackson has a perforated ulcer, delaying The Hobbit yet again, I’m suddenly not so sure it is a joke.
First, there was all that bad blood between New Line Studios and Peter Jackson over profits from the Lord of the Rings movies. Then there was a lawsuit from the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien where they threatened to shut down the entire production of the movie version of The Hobbit. Now MGM is suddenly on the verge of bankruptcy, jeopardizing the production all over again.
Is The Hobbit cursed or what? Will this movie ever see the light of day?
Industry observers say it’ll all work out in the end — that there’s way too much money at stake for the movie to not get made.
I’m not so sure. Here are my predictions for what can — and almost certainly will — jeopardize The Hobbit next:
- A man who went to kindergarten with Tolkien will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming the Lord of the Rings author plagiarized his books from the man’s contributions to “storytime.”
- Andy Serkis will insist on playing the part of Gollum with the voice of Donald Duck.
- Swine flu will take out the entire New Line staff.
- Guillermo Del Toro, Peter Jackson, and Fran Walsh will become involved in a complicated love triangle which results in none of them speaking.
- Olaf Engelstad, a man of Norwegian descent, will sue the producers for a share of the profits, claiming his ancestors invented the concept of the “elf.”
- Director Guillermo Del Toro will be replaced by Eli Roth.
- Locusts will descend on New Zealand.
- The trend of big-budget special effects extravaganzas will come to an abrupt end as Americans suddenly develop an insatiable yearning for non-linear foreign film (without subtitles).
- The descendants of Eadweard Muybrid will sue the producers for a share of the profits, reminding them that Muybrid was the inventor of “film.”
- Peter Jackson will reveal that he’s become Amish and insist that no technology whatsoever be used in the making of the movie.
- The part of Bilbo will be played by Sofia Coppola.
- Unable to vanquish the locusts, New Zealand will also fall into eternal darkness.
- Ian McKellen will develop massive boils.
- Eli Roth will replaced by Rob Zombie.
- Actual Ents will be discovered in the Redwood forests of California, right before they go on a rampage, destroying Los Angeles.
- Still consumed by locusts and darkness, New Zealand will sink into the ocean.
- CGI green-screen technology will become impossible when God unexpectedly eliminates the color “green.”
- A meteor will crash into the planet, eliminating all life on Earth.
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- Tolkien Family Lawsuit Means THE HOBBIT Movie May Not Get Made
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- The Poison Pen: Why Guillermo del Toro REALLY Left THE HOBBIT