Welcome back, bloodhounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, wherein we match up fantasy characters to see who will emerge victorious in battle. Kinda like that Spike TV show. But better.

After last week’s epic battle between the two titans that are Xena and Buffy, we now turn our gaze slightly downward for this week’s clash between two diminutive warriors. Diminutive in size, that is, but certainly not in spirit.

Who will win when fierce hobbit Samwise “The Brave” Gamgee takes on the heroic and fearless Nelwyn, Willow Ufgood?

Let’s take a look at our fighters. First up we have gardener-turned-bodyguard Samwise Gamgee, hailing from an area of Europe that was once known as The Shire, part of the larger land mass of Middle Earth. Sam rose to fame when he joined the Fellowship of the Ring, a group dedicated to destroying the Ring of Power, during the War of the Ring.

Joining us today is John “Quenya” McVoy, a paleoanthropologist who specializes in the history of Middle Earth. He is also a biographer of many noted names from the War of the Ring, including Sam Gamgee.

“Sam was the most perfect friend you could hope for — loyal to an absolute fault, loving, caring…he was a servant to Frodo Baggins, the famous hobbit hero of the War of the Ring, but what’s more, he was his best friend. He accompanied Frodo on the insanely dangerous journey into Mordor, and by all accounts, he never once complained.”

Loyalty is great, but how would such a gentle soul fare in a fight?

“Don’t underestimate hobbits, man. They’ll cut a bitch.”

Really?

“They’re not violent creatures per se, but history has shown time and again that when confronted, hobbits will rise to the task. They’ll fight if they believe in what they’re fighting for. They can wield daggers like swords, and their aim with rocks is legendary. Sam, specifically, was an astonishingly sound fighter. He defeated a giant spider in battle, and I mean GIANT spider. He also took on Orc after Orc after Orc when he charged into enemy lines to rescue Frodo Baggins. He’ll eff you up, no doubt. Bad-ass things come in small packages.”

Which segues nicely into our next warrior, Willow Ufgood. Here to speak on Willow’s behalf is Nadia Fink, author of He’s Just Nelwyn Into You: a Daikini’s Journey. Nadia has studied the customs and folkways of the Nelwyn race for years, and is the leading expert on this mysterious race.

“Nelwyns are really very similar to hobbits,” Nadia explains. “In fact, if these were just made-up stories, one might even think Nelwyns are just a total rip-off of hobbits without ever giving credit where it’s due!” She chuckles. “But of course that’s not the case.”

Uh-huh. So let’s get with the carnage. Can Willow kick ass?

“Oh, certainly. For a while he traveled with a roguish swordsman named Madmartigan, and he certainly learned a thing or two about heroism from him. But really, it’s not in physical combat where Willow’s greatest strengths lie. His greatest ambition was to be a sorcerer. When he went on the famous adventure to save the infant Elora Danan, he was under training from the powerful sorceress Fin Raziel. He also was armed with magic acorns that turned an enemy into stone. ”

Whoa, whoa. This is a fight, not a magical battle. Can Willow still deliver the goods if he’s not using magic?

“Most definitely,” Nadia claims. “Willow can hack and slash with the best of the under-four-feet crowd.”

“Doubtful,” McVoy chimes in. “I’ve done some research into Nelwyns. He got nothin’.”

We feed the stats into our battle simulation computer, recounting the specifics. Sam battled Orcs, who were well over twice his height and monstroudly strong. As mentioned before, he also fought and defeated the giant spider, Shelob. But most impressively, he resisted the call of the Ring of Power and surrendered it willingly to another, which implies a force of will almost unrivaled among mortalkind. Willow, on the other hand, did battle soldiers, but they were just humans, not Orcs. Furthermore, most of his offense consisted of throwing magic acorns, and during the storming of Nockmaar Castle, he stayed mostly hidden until saving the day with parlor tricks.

The end results showed Samwise the Brave winning the fight 94% of the time.

“Booyah, Gramma!” McVoy shouts in victory. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

Battle #4: Sam Gamgee vs. Willow Ufgood

Winner: Sam Gamgee

Join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!

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