I know, I know. After being very vocal about my disdain for ’80s cartoons being turned into movies here …

… and here …

… and, in comic form, here …

what gives me the gall to go ahead and do a Fantasy Casting piece for the feline superheroes?

As I’ve said before, it’s how we roll at TheTorchOnline.com.

Unpredictable. Sexy. Dangerous.

One thing to keep in mind — the movie will most likely be using the Avatar-like effect of motion capture fed into CG characters, so even if an actor doesn’t look like a character, that doesn’t really matter.. With that said, away we go …

Lion-O — Craig Horner

This wouldn’t have occurred to me last year, but on this season Legend of the Seeker star Craig Horner returned with a shaggy mop of hair, giving him a very leonine (or as one reader hilariously pointed out, llama-ish) appearance. Horner has proven that he can effortlessly play the hero in a high fantasy project, and is adept at swordplay, something to put to use when wielding Lion-O’s Sword of Omens.

Panthro — Taye Diggs

This role should go to a 30-year-old version of Morgan Freeman, but if such an actor exists, he’s not on my radar. Instead, I would hand it to Taye Diggs, the stunningly handsome and versatile actor who got his start on Broadway in RENT and is currently being wasted on Private Practice. Why wasted? Anyone who saw Equilibrium knows Diggs should be a megastar feature film action hero.

Cheetara — Emma Stone

Cheetara was the only adult female Thundercat (until that ho bag Pumira showed up in the second season) and was as nurturing as she was kick-ass. My suggestion would be Emma Stone, who embodied both of those attributes (though the latter way more than the former) in last summer’s hilarious Zombieland. To top it off, check out those beautiful feline eyes! She was born for this role.

Tygra –Shawn Ashmore

Tigra was a more sensitive guy than Lion-O and Panthra, and his “super-power” was the ability to turn invisible. Despite his strength and agility, Tigra was a more cerebral character, and was the inventor of the group. This kind of dichotomy between tough guy and sensitive man can be perfectly played by a guy like Shawn Ashmore, who proved as Iceman he can be a big time superhero without having bodybuilder muscles.

Wiley-Kat — Michael Cera

How do I put this nicely? Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat were, well, irritating in the cartoon, and don’t exactly lend themselves to the big screen. Therefore, they’re going to need a major overhaul for the movie version, and a sense of humor goes a long way. I nominate Michael Cera as the boy, Wiley Kat. Cera is a true master of the awkward teenage persona that brings the funny, and he would rock this part.

Wiley-Kat –Ellen Page

Okay, this may reek of stunt casting. That’s because it is. But I fell in love with Ellen Page and Michael Cera as an on-screen duo when the two starred in Juno, and they have such amazing chemistry they deserve another go around. But instead of churning out another romantic teen comedy, I say go against type and rock the epic CGI high fantasy.

Jaga - Ian McKellen

Jaga was actually a ghost, the spiritual remains of Lion-O’s one-time mentor. A few years ago I would have thought that Ian McKellen, esteemed actor of stage and screen, one of the most lauded thespians of our time, would be way too high-brow for a project like Thundercats. But then I saw his turn as a voice actor for a polar bear in The Golden Compass, and I realized that the man needs to make a paycheck just like the rest of us.

So there you have it! TheTorchOnline.com’s pick for the cast of the upcoming fantasy/scifi/feline blockbuster, Thundercats. One of these days, Hollywood, we’re going to start charging you.

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Before Buffy ever picked up her first stake, before Sookie realized she couldn’t read Bill’s mind, before Bella … did whatever it is she does  … there was Sam Emerson, who had to deal with his brother’s slow transformation into a vampire.

Sam was played, of course, by Corey Haim, who was a teen heartthrob in the ’80s alongside fellow Corey, Corey Feldman. (The two even starred in a reality show together a few years back titled, naturally, The Two Coreys.)

As with many child stars, the transition to adulthood was difficult to bear, and Corey Haim stopped landing lead roles in films. Sadly, his life ended yesterday at 38 years old.

Needless to say, it’s incredibly sad when anyone passes away decades before their time, and our condolences go out to his friends and family. But seeing as how we are, in fact, a fantasy entertainment website, I believe it’s appropriate to celebrate Corey Haim’s life by reflecting on what was probably his best film, The Lost Boys.

I was only in my single digits in the ’80s, so my knowledge of that decade is mostly archaeological in nature, but I do remember big hair, stretchy clothes, and lots of bright colors. All this and more can be found in The Lost Boys, which is at once a great, kick-ass horror movie, and something of a time capsule.

Boys was ahead of its time in that it was a horror movie that was truly, truly scary, yet also possessed a sly and not-too-subtle sense of humor. Nine years before Scream, the filmmakers managed to strike that perfect balance of frightening and funny.

Corey Haim, who in a Hollywood rarity was playing a teenager when he was actually a teenager himself, is the anchor of the film, and in fact the audience surrogate: he’s the normal guy surrounded by vampires, vampire hunters, and a half-vampire brother.

His performance was, above else, very funny, and to have such a self-aware understanding of comedy at such a young age is a rare thing.

The movie itself has aged particularly well, no easy feat for effects-heavy genres like vampire flicks. It helps that a lot of strong performers round out the rest of the cast, particularly Keifer Sutherland as the terrifying vampire baddie David. In the fourteen years between Lost Boys and 24, Sutherland would make a name for himself playing psychos and criminals, so his turn-around as uber-good guy Jack Bauer was a real surprise.

It’s interesting to note how much the vampire genre has changed since The Lost Boys. These days, the case can be made that it’s a female-dominated field, with the aforementioned Buffy, Sookie, and Bella leading the way in vamp-franchises Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood, and Twilight. In Boys, however, it’s only, well, boys doing the heavy lifting.

But gender politics aside, The Lost Boys remains one of my favorite vampire movies of all time. It’s got a rockin’ soundtrack, a great retro feel (although it didn’t when it came out, obviously), some spectacular aerial vampire fighting, and a promising and precocious star in Corey Haim.

It was a great performance, Mr. Haim. We’ll miss you.

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The makers of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse have released a ten-second teaser trailer for the entire trailer, which will run this weekend, before Robert Pattinson’s new movie Remember Me.

And it is brilliant!

It begins subtly, oh-so-subtly, with Bella and Edward embracing, both in a field of flowers, and then in — could that be a bed?

“I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” Edward whispers to her. As he starts to speak, she’s looking down, but as he finishes, she looks right up at him.

What consequences? What choice? Is he talking about her becoming a vampire — or is he talking about SEX?!? It’s so ambiguous!

Then we cut to an overhead fly-by shot of some trees.

And then we see Jacob shirtless. Before we can focus clearly on his abs, we cut to a scene in the midst of the trees we saw from overhead, and Jacob says to Bella, “I’m going to fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”

He leans in as if to kiss her, but just before he does … the trailer ends.

What’s going to happen next?! It’s maddening!

This ten-second trailer has it all: Bella being embraced, trees.

And yet, like every good trailer, it leaves you wanting more, more, more. Will Bella put out become a vampire? Will Jacob kiss Bella? Will that forest be clear-cut?

I must know! I must know!!

Here is the ten-second trailer. I warn you: watching it will almost certainly change your life. It did mine.

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We know Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie, but exactly which kind of Tim Burton movie is it?

Is it the sublime kind that uses stunning, off-kilter visuals to tell a quirky, but fully realized story, like Edward Scissorshands, Sleepy Hollow, or Beetlejuice?

Or is it the incoherent-mess kind, where Burton’s stunning trademark visuals are wasted on an indifferent or outright sloppy script, like Planet of the Apes, James and the Giant Peach, Mars Attacks!, Big Fish, or 9?

The truth is, it’s not really either.

To be sure, it’s visually fantastic. Whether it’s the smiling, levitating Cheshire Cat, Matt Lucas as Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, or the wonderfully oversized head on the Queen of Hearts, Wonderland — or “Underland,” as it’s called here — has never looked so good.

And just like so many recent Tim Burton movies, the story is infuriatingly weak.

But weirdly, the movie is worth seeing anyway.

Here is the story: in the 19th century, 19 year-old Alice, faced with a life of unbearable convention, follows a rabbit down a rabbit hole. There she finds a magical dreamland where someone named “Alice” once visited before. Is it her? It matters, because that Alice is prophesied to slay the evil Jabberwocky.

That’s the whole story. There’s some very vague talk about how Alice needs to learn that something can be “impossible” and “real” at the same time in order to be more like her dead father, but honestly, the movie doesn’t even bother giving us the slightest reason to care about Alice or her quest.

As is typical with Burton, it’s all about the visuals.

But as I said, the movie is worth watching anyway. I think it’s because it’s such a wonderfully weird Wonderland — er, Underland — and for such an iconic place, it’s never really been so successfully visually realized before. It’s not just that everything here looks so cool; it’s that it also has a perfect visual coherence.

In short, everything fits together perfectly.

What else works? Helena Bonham Carter, who has long seemed to have been slumming in her husband Tim Burton’s movies, absolutely shines here as the Queen of Hearts. She’s hilarious, shrieking “off with their heads” at every opportunity — and the image of her over-sized head (about which she is understandably very sensitive) is fascinating in itself.

Johnny Depp, in an expanded Mad Hatter role, basically plays Edwards Scissorshands crossed with Willy Wonky. And Anne Hathoway is all hand flutters as The White Queen.

Twenty five years ago, Disney famously fired Tim Burton, because they thought his short film Frankenweenie, was too scary for kids. It’s now a cult classic, and the studio has hired Burton back for this production, which reportedly cost an astounding $250 million dollars.

They’re sure to make their money back, as the project, which has been wildly (but cleverly) hyped, is certain to be a big, big hit.

So it seems that Tim Burton and Disney are both getting their happy endings.

Does the audience? Oh, kinda.

But in a way, it’s a shame, because with visuals as fully realized as the ones in this movie, Alice in Wonderland had the potential to become almost as much of a classic as the books upon which it is based.

It isn’t — not by a long shot.

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Here’s a (selected) timeline to help you remember Alice’s trips down the rabbit hole.

What’s your favorite adaptation of Alice so far?

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Twice, actually.

But I’m going to put it out there: I’m a mega-geek when it comes to Greek myths. Seriously. And I have a few ideas on what myths are still out there, waiting to be adapted, that can be turned into tomorrow’s blockbuster. (And guess what, Hollywood? They’re all in the public domain!)

So here we go …

#1: The Attic War, aka The Amazonamachy

One of the myths closest to my heart is that of Theseus, and his adventures both with the Minotaur, and later in life. Though his Minotaurian exploits are about to be turned into movie magic — finally – with Dawn of War, Theseus had a very rich life afterward, as well. Following his victory in Crete, Theseus then set his heart on winning the hand of Antiope (or by some accounts, Hippolyta), the queen of the Amazons.

There are several accounts of what happened afterward, but my favorite is the version in which the Amazon nation laid siege to Athens in an attempt to reclaim their queen. Though the ending doesn’t mesh with my feminist ideals — Antiope and, indeed, the rest of the Amazons, were destroyed — come on! What an epic battle! Athenians vs. Amazons! We haven’t seen the likes of this since the Pelennor Fields.

Fantasy Casting: Andy Whitfield as Theseus

#2: Eros and Psyche

Because of the legendary nature of Greek mythology, cinematic adaptations tend towards the uber-epic, and almost every movie is an actioner. But every now and then, Greek myths produced some seriously romantic stuff, and none more so than the story of the young woman Psyche, who was the object of affection for Eros, the son of Aphrodite, the often-bitchy goddess of love.

Psyche was a mortal whose beauty rivaled that of Aphrodite, so the jealous goddess asked her son to use his arrows of love to make Psyche fall in love with a hideous beast. The problem? Psyche was such a super-hottie that Eros fell madly in love with her.

This set Psyche on a quest to win her beloved god, and the major obstacle in her way was none other than Aphrodite. This would be a rare opportunity for a Greek myth movie to showcase two female leads as nemeses, and look super sexy while doing it.

Fantasy Casting: Michelle Pfeiffer as Aphrodite

#3: Hunt for the Calydonian Boar

While we’re on the subject of female leads, the legendary Atalanta was probably history’s first female action hero, a young woman who hunted as well as any man, if not better. She was invited by the prince Meleager to participate in the all-male hunt for the monstrous boar that was terrorizing the city of Calydon.

She was the first hunter to wound the boar, thus allowing Meleager to deliver the killing blow. When he offered her the prize for being responsible for its slaying, the men in the hunting party rebelled, and all hell broke loose.

This would be a great opportunity for a Xena-like character to appear on screen, and since we’re not going to be seeing a Xena movie, well, ever … the story of Atalanta can perhaps fill that void.

Fantasy Casting: Jessica Biel as Atalanta

#4: The Titanomachy, or Olympians vs. Titans

Long before the appearance of human beings, the world was a prize being fought over between the old race of the Titans, led by the villainous Kronos, and the younger race of Olympians, led by Kronos’ son, Zeus.

This battle lasted ten years, the exact length of time that the game-changing Trojan War also lasted, and it decided the fate of the world, specifically that it would be led by the younger, more human race of Olympian gods, as opposed to the primeval Titans.

The Titanomachy is really a metaphor for any younger generation taking the place of the previous one, but as far as epic warfare goes, it can’t be beaten. If the more well-known Greek myths are The Lord of the Rings, then the Titanomachy is The Silmarillion. It would be epic film-making the likes of which have never before been seen.

Fantasy Casting: Christian Bale as Zeus (Seriously)

#5: Hippolytus

I’ve already mentioned the marriage of Theseus and Antiope, but did you know that their union produced a son? A very noble son named Hippolytus, who pledged his life to Artemis, the goddess of virginity and the hunt, and in her name abstained from love. This eventually led to his undoing by the wicked goddess Aphrodite, who was furious that he spurned her in favor of the virgin goddess.

Aphrodite cursed his step-mother, Phaedra, to fall in love with him, which resulted in her hanging herself and his father banishing him, and invoking the god Poseidon to destroy him. This is truly the stuff of tragedy.

But there’s a beauty in that tragedy, and Hippolytus is a story that should be told, for much of the plot deals with one of the most fundamental questions of humanity: are our lives in our own hands, or are they governed by the gods?

And … just putting this out there … if Hollywood is looking for a cleverly alternative take on the Hippolytus myth, may I suggest adapting a play called The Wrath of Aphrodite by a young playwright named Tim O’Leary? Not that I have an investment in that or anything. Just thought I’d bring it up.

Fantasy Casting: Rafi Gavron as Hippolytus

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Some of you will hold up a Catwoman or Elektra DVD and say, “Here is your female superhero movie!”

To which I will say, “Get that crap out of my face before I Hulk right out on you!” (What? My last name is Hogan.)

Catwoman and Elektra are half the reason we don’t have more female superhero films. Both movies bombed at the box office in 2004 and 2005, respectively, which caused studio execs to draw the conclusion that women heroes won’t play with a paying audience.

But the problem with Catwoman and Elektra wasn’t that the stars were women; the problem with Catwoman and Elektra is that they were terrible movies.

Batman movies don’t sell because Batman is a man.

Chris Nolan’s Batman reboot is one of the most celebrated superhero franchises in history because it is the perfect storm of great acting and directing, neat gadgets, an energetic score, authentic themes, killer SFX, complex moral quandaries, and stellar scripts.

Again, I say: stellar scripts!

You can’t hang the failures of Catwoman and Elektra on Halle Berry or Jennifer Garner. They could only be as good as the material they were given — and the only material they were given was spandex.

And that brings us the other half of the reason we still don’t have a good female superhero movie: Apparently, no one knows what to do with breasts when they get anywhere near a cape.

In hero movies, women either embrace their sexuality, which makes them villains; or they are completely desexualized, so that they don’t accidentally scare any small children.

For an example of the former, see Michelle Feiffer’s Catwoman, Famke Janssen’s Jean Grey/Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson’s Silken Floss and Eva Mendes’ Sand Saref. In one case, a man’s brain actually exploded because of his proximity to the sexy.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love a femme fatale as much as the next person (Jessica Rabbit, call me!), but does it have to happen every time a woman in a hero movie wants to get laid?

For the second thing, well, I’m looking at you, Sam Raimi, and your pitiful excuse for Mary Jane Watson. I get that she was supposed to be a hybrid Watson/Gwen Stacy, but Stacy was in the third movie. Even so, all Mary Jane managed to do was frown and shriek and remember that one good time she kissed Spider-Man upside-down in the rain.

You see the problem? Sexy women are scary! Unsexy women are boring! But none of that matters because Catwoman and Elektra only made ten dollars between the two of them!

Still, I think there’s hope. People continue to happily drop ten bucks a pop to watch superhero movies. So, I’ve got five tips for studio execs and screenwriters if they really want to make a good female superhero movie:

1) Call Gail Simone and Greg Rucka. What they have done with Wonder Woman and Batwoman is the best thing to happen to women in comics in, well, ever. Their heroines are strong and complicated and smart and lovable and sexy. Under Simone’s pen, even Wonder Woman has started exploring her sexual side.

2) Embrace the standalone heroine. Both Elektra and Catwoman were sidekicks. There are plenty of female comic book characters who have held their own titles successfully for decades. Read the books! You’ll see!

3) If you’re too scared to launch an entire movie dedicated to a woman, at least test the waters by writing a strong female character into an already successful franchise. The things a Nolan script could do with Talia al Ghul (or even Catwoman) make me shiver with delight.

4) Don’t stunt-cast. No Alicia Silverstone. No Uma Thurman. Find your Heath Ledger and your Christian Bale.

5) Fish Joss Whedon’s Wonder Woman script out of the trash. I hear he’s looking for a job. And no one writes empowered women like him.

Now, light the Catwoman and Elektra DVD bonfire, and let’s get this party started! It’s time for the female superhero movie!

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Since casting for the new Conan remake began in January, stuntman-turned-actor Raw Leiba has been rumored to be a strong contender for the part of Ukafa, one of the movie’s key villains.

With the news that the producers are auditioning other actors, including wrestler Shad Gaspard, is Leiba out?

“We’ve definitely been in talks,” Leiba tells TheTorchOnline.com about his relationship with the movie, “but the deal is I’m kind of committed to other projects, and currently I’m trying to work it out, and they’re trying to work it out as well. I’m very excited — I want it to happen now. But unfortunately, these things take time.”

Leiba says, “I feel confident if I were to straighten out my schedule, the role would be mine. But that’s why they haven’t taken the ‘rumored’ off the Conan IMDb page. Until somebody’s really in, nobody’s really in.”

The character of Ukafa is reportedly a massive, gold-toothed African, a mighty warrior who helps lead the Kushite tribe on the savannahs of Kush. He’s the second-in-command behind the character of Khalar Singh, but is plotting to overthrow that leader’s son, who is next in line to be commander.

“He just kicks a lot of ass,” Leiba says of the character. “He doesn’t care. He kicks a lot of his own tribe’s ass, and he kicks a lot of other people’s ass too. He’s just an ass-kicker!”

According to Leiba, the character of Singh has not been cast yet, but Sean Hood, the  screenwriter for the upcoming Hercules movie, has been brought in to do last-minute rewrites that may result in Ukafa becoming the movie’s central villain.

Leiba is best known for roles on The Wire and Street Fighter: The Later Years.

He’s says he’s not worried that other actors are auditioning for the part.

“I think I’m perfect for the role,” Leiba says. “I can’t see them going with actors outside of me, unless I’m unable to do the project. I’m an actor first, but I also have martial arts experience, and I also do stunts. You add those three together, it’s phenomenal. The idea of getting in there to fight Jason Momoa [who's been cast as Conan] would be really cool!”

As for the audition process, Leiba says, “I like to come to my auditions in character. So when I go to audition [for Conan], I go to get dressed in the bathroom, so I put on this ‘warrior’ outfit, which is basically me naked with a bunch of chains around my neck. They had me read some lines that might supposedly be in the script — you never know if they will be. And then they looked at my physique — they really liked it. And they asked me why I’d be best for the role, and I told them exactly what I just told you.”

According to Leiba, a final decision will probably be made in the next week or so. On the other hand, the fact that they just brought in a new writer to do re-writes means the production is still somewhat in flux.

“I’d love to work with [director] Marcus Nispel. I think he’s an absolutely fantastic director, and Sean Hood is a fantastic writer.”

It’s possible he won’t be able to get out of his other commitments, Leiba says — “There’s a million-dollar penalty for one of them,” he says.

“The thing that would disappoint me most — I’ve been getting so many emails and positive responses from fans — if I can’t do it is I feel like I’d be disappointing them.”

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Q: Given the recent trend in remaking/adapting Greek myth movies/books, are any more due to be made? — Bee

A: By Athena, yes! The unexpected success of 300 (which, of course, wasn’t “Greek” and didn’t involve myths, but was set in the ancient world) and the strong buzz for the upcoming Clash of the Titans, which opens in April, has inspired a veritable mare-of-Diomedes-like stampede of Greek-myth-themed movies.

Dawn’s rosy fingers may soon rise on these projects:

Clash of the Titans

• Jason and the Argonauts, now in development at Universal, which, unlike Clash of the Titans, isn’t a remake of a Ray Harryhausen classic, but instead tells the story of Jason’s journey home after capturing the Golden Fleece (which is where Harryhausen’s movie leaves off).
• Dawn of War, now in pre-production, tells the exploits of Theseus, including his battle with the Minotaur, but is to be done in a “Renaissance painting style action,” with a Baz Luhrmann-like mix of ancient and modern worlds.
• Odysseus, in pre-production at Warners, is based on the end of Homer’s famous epic, the part when the king returns home after 20 years of fighting in the Trojan War, to find his wife, son, and kingdom under siege. Rumor is, this one will include major 300-style gore.
• Speaking of which, a prequel to 300 is in the works, based on a still-being-written graphic novel by Frank Miller (who wrote the famous 300 graphic novel). 300 director Zack Synder has expressed an interest in directing, assuming he likes the source material.
• A sequel to Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief called The Sea of Monsters (based on the book series) has long been in the works. The relatively disappointing showing of The Lightning Thief means this one may never get made.
• Scarlett Johansson was once attached to a movie called Amazon, but it seems to have stalled for the time being.

You’ll note that these movies are still in development. Why? Because Hollywood is waiting to see how Clash of the Titans performs (the film was once in a mad race with Dawn of War to be the “first” of the new wave of Greek-myth-based movies).

Why does it matter how Titans does? Because, in Hollywood-logic, if Clash of the Titans tanks, it won’t be because it’s a crappy movie, poorly conceived or executed.

No, it’ll be because it’s based on a Greek myth!

It’s all complete nonsense, of course — movies tend to succeed or fail because the movies themselves succeed or fail. But it’s easier to blindly follow the latest fad than to, you know, actually make a good movie, so the above kind of thinking makes everyone in Hollywood feel better.

Q: With all this talk about the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios’ Islands of Adventure theme park, no one ever says when it will open! When will that be? — Sophie, St. Paul, MN

A: That’s because, in the mad rush to get everything ready for a “spring” opening, even the park itself didn’t know. They still haven’t announced an actual “opening date,” but Fox News Orlando received a press release from Universal Studios saying they’re offering vacation packages for the attraction starting May 28th. So the attraction will at least be open by then!

Q: This is a test of your fantasy-knowing prowess: Without doing an internet search, what movie includes the Widow of the Web? — MAGPIE, Toronto, Canada

A: The 1983 fantasy film, Krull.

Please. You’ll have to get up much earlier than that to fool the All-Knowing Fantasy-Questioning-Answering Oracle. It was the one cool scene in an otherwise crappy film.

I confess, I did have to do a search to find the scene on YouTube:

Have a question about something fantasy-related? Please send an email to thetorchonlineoracle@gmail.com and be sure and include your city and state and/or country.

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After watching Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (a cumbersome title if ever there was one), I left the theater with this thought at the forefront of my mind: if you try too hard to be the next Harry Potter, you never will be.

Ponder this:

A young male hero, who learns of his magical identity which has been hidden from him all his life. Brought to a school where he and other children like him learn to use their powers. A wise-cracking male friend to serve as the comic relief. A know-it-all female companion whose skills outshine the boys, but if only she were more likable …

Come on.

That having been said, the movie had its strengths. Thanks to cutting-edge CGI technology, we can now behold photo-realistic creatures that up until now had to exist solely in the minds of Greek myth geeks like myself. Uma Thurman as Medusa was particularly cool — I’ve never thought of Medusa as seductive, but after this it will be hard not to.

Pierce Brosnan, who I’ve never really had any strong feelings about in the past, was perfectly cast as Chiron, the wise centaur, and I’ll go on record saying the movie has hands-down the best centaur effect I’ve ever seen. (How’s that for an accolade?)

Many of the performances were strong. Kevin McKidd, so magnetic in HBO’s Rome, made for a sympathetic Poseidon, and Sean Bean’s Zeus was a younger, leaner version of the King of the Gods than the Zeuses we’ve seen in the past.

But for all the shine and polish of the adult actors and the digital effects, the story doesn’t hold up as interesting on its own, and the three young lead actors don’t hold a candle to those other three young lead actors. You know who I’m talking about.

What made the first Harry Potter film so effective on screen is that it captured — in full, child-like wonder — what it must feel like to be at Hogwarts, to suddenly learn you can use magic, to fly on a broomstick. It had the sense of awe and splendor one would imagine goes hand in hand with entering a brave new world.

Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), on the other hand, adjusts to his new life awfully quickly and easily, and before long he is whisked away to Camp Half-Blood, a training facility for demigods. Rather than the fully realized world of Hogwarts, Camp Half-blood is filled with teenagers dressed in jeans and casual shirts, with Grecian leather armor over their regular clothes. The effect is not mystical and awe-inspiring, but instead looks like a crowd of adolescents engaged in a complex LARP game.

I always have high hopes for fantasy movies, and it warmed my heart to see the theater filled with children and young teens who had clearly read the book and were excited about seeing the movie. I’m sure they all care very passionately about the characters and the story.

If only they knew they were eating leftovers.

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Get this: according to the new movie The Wolfman, there’s a fine line between “human” and “animal.” There might even be something of a savage beast lurking under the surface of a person who looks very human on the outside!

You’ve never seen a movie or a TV show with that theme before, have you?

I shouldn’t mock. These are classic themes, right? Even if we’ve seen them all before (a lot), they’re worth hearing again. And The Wolfman, and werewolf stories in general, are certainly classic tales.

But I gotta say, after 800,000 variations on the werewolf story, it kinda woulda been nice if they’d had something new to say. Something about “alpha” males, perhaps?

In fairness, the movie is clearly making an attempt to go the “traditional” route, making something reminiscent of the original 1941 classic, The Wolf Man. It plays things far more seriously than Universal’s The Mummy remake.

And for the most part, the atmosphere works. Since the aforementioned thin-line-between-humans-and-animals theme is such a large part of the story, they do a great job of showing how, in 19th century England, human beings and animals exist side-by-side: there are dogs, horses, mounted animals on walls, hedges in the shapes of animals, the occasional gypsy bear, even lots of animal furs mixed in with the costumes.

This lurking “animal” presence, and lots of carriages rattling through the fog on moonlit moors, are part of what I pay for when I go to a movie called The Wolfman, and this one definitely delivers in that respect.

Everyone is all tortured and the look is very gothic, and let’s face it: there’s not nearly enough of that in movies today.

Likewise, the movie starts off telling basically the same story as the original, but then takes an interesting twist halfway through (playing on the expectations of those familiar with the first movie). It’s such an obvious twist that, in retrospect, you kind of wonder why they didn’t include it in the original. And the fact that it is so obvious, and yet still genuinely surprising, makes me think the movie got at least this right.

There’s also a great scene where, after the main character has been committed to an asylum “because he thinks he’s a werewolf,” a group of psychologists gather to watch him under a full moon. It’s all part of his treatment: when the moon comes out and he doesn’t transform, he’ll know it’s all in his mind.

Alas, it’s not all in his mind, but he’s soon to be in their minds — as in, ripping their heads open.

But it must be said: despite what you’d think, Benicio Del Toro makes a surprisingly wooden leading man. Co-stars Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, and Hugo Weaving all fare much better, so you know it’s not just the writing. In fact, not since Keanu Reeves in Bram Stoker’s Dracula have I seen such a bad central performance in a monster movie.

The producers made the bold choice to use make-up and prosthetics rather than CGI effects on the wolfman (apart from the transformation). I applaud them for taking the risk, but it also must be said: in an era of omnipresent CGI, it looked like make-up.

Really, really good make-up, but make-up. The howl is oddly flat too.

Interestingly, the coolest effect in the whole movie probably was done with CGI: when the wolfman switches between a “human” run and a wolf-like gallop.

The Wolfman is not nearly the disaster that a lot of other critics seem to think it is. But in five years, no one will remember a single thing about it.

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We all know the drill — we’re watching a nice magical adventure unfold before our eyes on the big or small screen, and the characters get to a point where they no longer have the option to be friendly. It’s time to throw down.

Maybe the spells are flying fast and furious, or maybe it’s a more subtle use of magic to assist a mostly physical blow, but one thing is for certain: even more so than standard fight scenes, battles that involve magic raise the dramatic stakes in any story, because when you’re hurling thunderbolts, you’re playing for keeps. Even when the stories they feature in are not exactly memorable (cough The Covenant cough), a good magical fight can be a visual feast. Here we count down some of our favorites.

10. Caleb vs. Chase (The Covenant)

Though at times this fight seems more like a mystical game of dodgeball using amorphous jellyfish-like energy, one can’t deny that it at least looks pretty cool when these dudes are blasting away at each other in a rain-soaked barn. It’s fun to see the mayhem that male witches can wreak on each other, when witchcraft is so often allocated to female characters.

Unfortunately, the movie itself sucked.

9. Raziel vs. Bavmorda (Willow)

Willow will always hold a special place in the hearts of many fantasy enthusiasts who emerged from that nebulous decade known as the ’80s. Part Star Wars, part Lord of the Rings, it featured a very hobbitish hero, a very Gandalf-ian sorceress named Raziel, and a mean, mean old witch name Bavmorda.

Bavmorda and Raziel are mortal enemies, and in the climax of the movie, as a huge battle takes place outside, a very private war is fought between these two magicians. Utilizing the latest visual technology of the time (Willow was one of the first movies to showcase morphing), the filmmakers introduced a wide-eyed generation to the wonders of a magical smackdown.

Watch the fight

8. Gandalf vs. Saruman (The Fellowship of the Ring)

When you see two wizards fighting, you expect to see some crazy fireballs being thrown around, but when Gandalf and Saruman threw down in The Fellowship of the Ring, it was just the telekinetic version of an old-fashioned bar room brawl, with the two tossing each other around with the force of their minds. Bruising, bloody, and awesome.

Watch the fight

7. Harry vs. Draco (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

At this point in the Harry Potter series, we knew there was no love lost between the boy wizards Harry and Draco Malfoy, but they were just kids, and the last thing we expected to see was a full-on, wire-spinning melee, but that’s exactly what we got when they took each other on in Professor Lockhart’s dueling seminar.

6. Giles vs. Dark Willow (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Sweet Willow Rosenburg was the heart and soul of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, always a cheerful presence in a dark, demon-ridden world. But following the death of her true love Tara, she tapped into the vengeful part of her psyche and became a very bad witch. Who better to take her on than the mentor of the group, Giles, with a little borrowed magic from a coven of good witches?

5. Nancy vs. Sarah (The Craft)

An underrated gem from the angsty ’90s, The Craft showed what happened when the freaky girls in school have access to some seriously dark mojo. When good girl Sarah faces off with mean alpha-chick Nancy, all hell breaks loose in a spectacle of CGI mystical violence.

4. Pretty much every fight with Zedd (Legend of the Seeker)

Before Legend of the Seeker, the heir apparent to Xena: Warrior Princess, made its way to the airwaves, most people had never used the term “wizard’s fire” before (that is,  if they weren’t Terry Goodkind fans). But every time a fight breaks out on Seeker, you can bet that Zeddicus will be blasting away to his heart’s content, and it just looks awesome every time.

3. Buffy vs. Adam (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Though the show was as magical as they come, Buffy’s fighting style always stemmed from the very real world of martial arts. So when in the fourth season she learned that she’d need a little extra boost to face a Frankenstein-like foe, her friends Willow, Giles, and Xander all got together and gave her their energy in a little power-enhancing spell, causing Buffy to bust out some kick-ass matrix moves, as well as turn a bullet headed for her face into a pair of white doves, which are of course the symbol of peace. And who doesn’t love a little irony with their smackdowns?

2. Dumbledore vs. Voldemort (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

Though the main event is reserved for the very end of the very last movie, we got a nice little treat when uber-baddie Boldemort took on the bastion of goodness, Dumbledore, in the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series. They fought with all four elements — fire, water, earth, and air — before Voldemort finally took his leave. But what an exit!

Watch the fight.

1. Gandalf vs. The Balrog (Fellowship of the Ring)

There are fights, and there are fights. When the Fellowship was fleeing the mines of Moria, they were accosted by a demon of the ancient world, a Balrog of Morgoth, a creature of shadow and flame, and a nasty attitude to boot. When Gandalf took him on to protect his friends, it was a true clash of the titans, instantly resetting the bar for what we expect to see on screen from anyone audacious enough to film a magic fight. For the gift you gave the world, Peter Jackson and company, we thank you.

Watch the fight.

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