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Heather Hogan is a freelance writer from Atlanta, GA. Follow her on Twitter or check her out at theheatherhogan.com.

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Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

• The search for the next Spartacus is over! The Poison Pen is pleased to announce that the producers have settled on an actor to replace Andy Whitfield, who had to bow out of the role due to cancer. But in a move that has thoroughly befuddled industry observers, producers have declined to hire any of the actors thought to be auditioning for the role and have instead turned to a method of mysticism used to pick the next Dalai Lama. In other words, the “next” Spartacus is a newly-born infant in Shigatse, Tibet. Unfortunately for fans, this means the second full season of Spartacus will not arrive until January 2032.
  

• Who better to write a tell-all book about Harry Potter than Hedwig the Owl (who, contrary to popular belief, is not dead)? In her upcoming autobiography I Eat Mice For Breakfast, Hedwig reveals the “shocking,” decidedly owl-centric news that Harry Potter has absolutely no night vision and smells vaguely of chipmunk guts. Hedwig’s book also takes on former friend Woodsy the Owl, the “Give a hoot, don’t pollute” Forest Service icon, exposing the little-known fact that he is a major shareholder in Royal Dutch Shell Oil, a company whose sloppy environmental practices have polluted much of the Niger-Delta in Africa. Oh, and Woodsy is terrible in bed.

• The Bureau of Tourism for the barren apocalypse of Modor is lamenting the fact that they’ve had only three tourists in the last 500 years — and those three, Sam, Frodo, and Gollum, only came to destroy the Ring of Power, completely ignoring the area’s struggling bed & breakfasts. So they’ve rolled out several new publicity slogans: “Mordor: So Much More Than Just Volcanoes and Orcs!” and “If You Don’t Come to Mordor, We’re Going to Come to You and Suck the Blood From Your Veins and the Marrow From Your Bones.” Analysts are skeptical that the campaign will be any more successful than last year’s “Wrap Yourself In Giant Spiderwebs … In Mirkwood!” P.R. offensive that was, not surprisingly, a total flop.

• Galadriel is neither confirming nor denying that the grainy sex tape that raced through the blogosphere last week that appeared to be of her and a strung-out Lord Celeborn in a hotel suite with a couple of well-known swingers is, in fact, of her and her husband. Is the mystical Elven Queen polyamorous with a penchant for strap-ons? A spokesman says, “Galadriel has diminished and gone into the West. She has no comment.”

• Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about this talking, rapier-wielding mouse who values honor above all things and who … Oh, hell, it’s Reepicheep, okay? Blind items in fantasy are hard!

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Heather Hogan is a freelance writer from Atlanta, GA. Follow her on Twitter or check her out at theheatherhogan.com.

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Heather Hogan is a freelance writer from Atlanta, GA. Follow her on Twitter or check her out at theheatherhogan.com.

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Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at some element of the fantasy genre. You’ve been warned!

THAT’S IT! I GIVE UP!

I’m never carving a Halloween pumpkin again! What’s the point? No matter what I do, no matter how great I try to make it, some internet a**hole has already done it fifty times better.

Okay, let’s back up a bit here, shall we?

Sitting on my counter right now is an uncarved pumpkin. I bought it last week at an actual pumpkin patch — more expensive than the supermarket, it turns out — and I’ve been thinking for a while now, “I need to carve that thing before Halloween rolls around.” So last night I brought it from the cold, thinking I’d do it today.

Then this morning, I wake up to see this all over the internet:

Yes, that’s right: it’s not just that cool “Death Star” pumpkin from a couple of years ago — it’s the frickin’ Death Star destroying Alderaan!

Now I grant that this is unbelievably cool and creative and all that.

It’s also completely obliterated, Death Star-like, any motivation I had to carve my own pumpkin. It’s sucked all the fun right out of the entire endeavor. Unfortunately, I don’t have fifty hours to spend on this project, not to mention a masters degree in gourd-sculpting.

Remember when you used to be able to wow your friends and neighbors with something like, say, this?

Fat chance these days. This is your competition now:

Let’s face it: no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it’s going to end up looking like s**t compared to that.

And it’s just going to get worse every year. Like a crack addict needs an ever-larger fix in order to achieve the same high, the internet requires its pumpkin-carvers to scale ever more impressive heights, at least if they want any shot at going viral. There is no end in sight.

It’s not a race I can win, or that I even want to participate in, because, well, I have a life.

So I won’t be carving a Halloween pumpkin this year, and probably not ever again — at least not until I have the time to take six hundred pumpkins and recreate the entire battle at Helm’s Deep, in stop-motion, no less.

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Heather Hogan is a freelance writer from Atlanta, GA. Follow her on Twitter or check her out at theheatherhogan.com.

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Heather Hogan is a freelance writer from Atlanta, GA. Follow her on Twitter or check her out at theheatherhogan.com.

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You’re a bard. It’s your job to inspire an army. Basically, you sing the songs the warriors will slay orcs to.

As a result, you need to know all the possible songs to describe the events that may take place on a battlefield. While we all want our side to win, a proper bard must have a list of songs at their disposal ready to properly describe any scene and suit every warrior.

Some fighters enjoy some heavy riffs to go along with their sword slaying activities, while others are more cerebral.

While it’s your job to motivate our troops and keep their spirits high, you must also honor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice and moved on to the next world. Thanks to our wonderfully gifted wizards, we have the means to produce some amazing sounds to properly provide the mood that fits the situation.

Without further ado, trainee, here is your list of required songs to know for battle:

“Riders On The Storm” — The Doors: Sets up the mood before battle, the arrival of the orc-stomping army.

“Know Your Enemy” — Rage Against The Machine: Always good to be able to anticipate how your opponent will try to attack you…

“Peter Gunn” — The Art of Noise: Play this as the army advances into battle.

Any of the following songs will suffice during combat:

“The First Cut is the Deepest” — Sheryl Crow

“Organ Grinder” — Marilyn Manson

“99 Ways to Die” — Megadeth

“Serenity in Murder” — Slayer
“Let me take you down (without a sound)
Dead before you hit the ground”

“Head Like A Hole” — Nine Inch Nails

“Bad Company” — The version by Five Finger Death Punch

“You Can’t Bring Me Down” — Suicidal Tendencies

“Let Me Hear You Scream” — Ozzy Osbourne

“Taste The Pain” — Red Hot Chili Peppers

“Harvester of Sorrow” — Metallica

“God’s Gonna Cut You Down” — Johnny Cash

Some fighters are truly insane, for them you need to remind them who the enemy is:

“Labeled Uncurable” — D.R.I.

Don’t forget about the healers, they need their spirits lifted as well:

“Bring Me To Life” — Evanescence

“Remedy” — The Black Crowes

And the clerics also appreciate a shout out:

“Undead” — Hollywood Undead

“Amen” — Kid Rock

“Faith” — Limp Bizkit version

Whoops! That fighter didn’t see that Orc that snuck up on him from behind…

“Surprise! You’re Dead!” — Faith No More

“We Die Young” — Alice in Chains

“Young Men Dead” — The Black Angels

“Welcome To The Black Parade” — My Chemical Romance

The tide of battle might need to be changed and you can help influence that with these goodies:

“Can’t Stop Now” — Keane

“With A Little Help From My Friends” — The Beatles

Sometimes despite our hero’s best efforts, there comes a time to retreat:

“Runnin Out” — Chickenfoot

“Fast As I Can” — Stone Temple Pilots

“I Can’t Stay” — The Killers

You can play this as a tribute for the fallen:

“One Perfect Sunrise” — Orbital

“Release” — Pearl Jam

“Closer To Heaven” — Pigface

“Superunknown” — Soundgarden

“Don’t Get Lost in Heaven” — Gorillaz

“Don’t get lost in heaven -
They got locks on the gate -
Don’t go over the edge -
you’ll make a big mistake”

Making the last push to victory:

No Curtain Call — Maroon 5

And of course, when victory is in hand:

“We Are The Champions” — Queen

I hope this starter guide of Songs to Slay Orcs to has activated your inner bard. What other great songs should be on this list?

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Heather Hogan is a freelance writer from Atlanta, GA. Follow her on Twitter or check her out at theheatherhogan.com.

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Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

• Remember the Dungeons & Dragons amusement park ride that sent the kids to the “realm” of Dungeons & Dragons in the classic 1980s kids’ show Dungeons & Dragons? The ride itself has finally been closed down when it was discovered that, rather than sending subsequent visitors to an alternate dimension overseen by a friendly “Dungeon Master” where kids learn valuable lessons about friendship and importance of not lying, it’s simply been teleporting them to an  abattoir where they were immediately ground into hamburger.
  

• In other Saturday morning cartoon-related news, remember how in Scooby-Doo, all those cemeteries and amusement parks seemed to be haunted by ghosts, but turned out to really be the work of guys in masks? Seems that they really were haunted by ghosts — by Fred, Daphne, Velma, and Shaggy themselves, who were all ghosts but didn’t know it (a la The Sixth Sense). The four humans were tragically killed in 1932 by a rabid dog named Scooby — long since dead, though, not the talking “Scooby” of the TV series who was, unfortunately, a figment of their collective tortured ghostly imaginations. Incidentally, this finally explains Fred’s ridiculous ascot.

• Reepicheep is a talking Narnian mouse known for his sense of honor, but lately he’s been talking trash about none other than Aslan. “Yeah, I made it to Aslan’s country in my little coracle at the end of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” he tells the Poison Pen. “Wish I hadn’t. Can you say ’slum lord’?”

• The Bard of Potidaea is a plagiarist! It’s long been known that presumed Xena sidekick Gabrielle couldn’t sing worth a damn and that whenever the self-described poet “sang,” she was merely the mouthing the vocalizings of a peasant girl named Susan Wood who was usually standing behind a nearby curtain. But now comes word that the entire Xena Scrolls, Gabrielle’s supposed masterwork, were cribbed from a fellow ancient scribe, Pervicus, with Gabrielle merely filling her name in the other’s place. While Xena Warrior Princess apparently did, in fact, exist, her sidekick turns out to have been a sixty-eight year-old leering, toothless man with no visible abs — in fact, a spare tire made of cottage cheese.

• Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a seemingly-humble servant who is actually pivotal player in the destiny of their entire kingdom and who … Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it? Have I mentioned before that blind items in fantasy are hard.

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