Back again for another highly opinionated — some might even say downright cranky — look at some element of the fantasy genre. You’ve been warned!
THAT’S IT! I GIVE UP!
I’m never carving a Halloween pumpkin again! What’s the point? No matter what I do, no matter how great I try to make it, some internet a**hole has already done it fifty times better.
Okay, let’s back up a bit here, shall we?
Sitting on my counter right now is an uncarved pumpkin. I bought it last week at an actual pumpkin patch — more expensive than the supermarket, it turns out — and I’ve been thinking for a while now, “I need to carve that thing before Halloween rolls around.” So last night I brought it from the cold, thinking I’d do it today.
Then this morning, I wake up to see this all over the internet:
Yes, that’s right: it’s not just that cool “Death Star” pumpkin from a couple of years ago — it’s the frickin’ Death Star destroying Alderaan!
Now I grant that this is unbelievably cool and creative and all that.
It’s also completely obliterated, Death Star-like, any motivation I had to carve my own pumpkin. It’s sucked all the fun right out of the entire endeavor. Unfortunately, I don’t have fifty hours to spend on this project, not to mention a masters degree in gourd-sculpting.
Remember when you used to be able to wow your friends and neighbors with something like, say, this?
Fat chance these days. This is your competition now:
Let’s face it: no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it’s going to end up looking like s**t compared to that.
And it’s just going to get worse every year. Like a crack addict needs an ever-larger fix in order to achieve the same high, the internet requires its pumpkin-carvers to scale ever more impressive heights, at least if they want any shot at going viral. There is no end in sight.
It’s not a race I can win, or that I even want to participate in, because, well, I have a life.
So I won’t be carving a Halloween pumpkin this year, and probably not ever again — at least not until I have the time to take six hundred pumpkins and recreate the entire battle at Helm’s Deep, in stop-motion, no less.
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