Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

• Quel scandale! Despite what Gandalf told the remnants of the Fellowship of the Ring in Fangorn Forest about his fight with the balrog on the peak of Zirakzigil under the Mines of Moria, the Poison Pen has it on good authority that the fight was rigged, and the balrog took a deliberate fall! “Go f**k yourself!” Gandalf said when reached for comment by the Poison Pen. “It wasn’t me who put that money in the balrog’s Swiss bank account!” The problem is, the Poison Pen hadn’t mentioned anything about a Swiss bank account!

• An update on Lucy Lawless’ breasts! Several weeks ago, we mentioned how the actress’ two breasts were pursuing their own TV projects, as a result of all the exposure they’re getting on the Starz series Spartacus: Blood and Sand. “The deal fell through,” Lucy’s left breast tells the Poison Pen. “The naked truth was that that Starz was just milking it, and not giving us nearly enough support. So we decided to nip it before it went too far.”
  

• One of the most misogynistic scenes in all of film history is, of course, the scene in the 1981 Roger Corman cult classic Galaxy of Terror, in which a woman is raped by a giant, 12-foot-long worm — and halfway through the rape, she starts to enjoy it. Now that worm, Slugworth, is coming forth tell his side of the story. “Look, I was as horrified as anyone when I read the script,” Slugworth tells the Poison Pen. “I consider myself a feminist, but I had small kids at the time — six thousand writhing maggots to feed. I felt like if I didn’t do it, someone else would.” Sadly, after the scene received so much notoriety, Slugworth found himself blacklisted in Hollywood for years, and has only started finding acting work again, most recently in the aforementioned Spartacus: Blood and Sand, with his memorable turn as Spartacus’ considerably-sized penis.
  

• Speaking of feminism, Bella Swan, the lead character in the Twilight books and movies, is coming forth with her perspective on recent attempts to “reclaim” the character from a feminist point-of-view. “Feminist?” Bella tells the Poison Pen. “Please! Have you read these books? I have no self-respect whatsoever. Even I get annoyed by me!”

• Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about an actual item — one that grants wishes! The problem is, when your wish comes true, it turns out there’s something you didn’t consider, and you inevitably end up wanting your life back the way it was before. Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it?

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