Four Torches (Out of Five)

Pop quiz, fantasy fans! What do Jesus, King Lear, and Edward Cullen have in common?

Answer: Christopher Moore tells their stories better.

The beloved satirist has taken on Jesus with The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal; Shakespeare with Fool; and now he has returned to San Francisco’s vampire scene with his third novel of the undead kind in Bite Me: A Love Story.

Before Bite Me — before Stephanie Meyer was even a twinkle in Little, Brown’s eyes — there was Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story, which Moore followed up with You Suck: A Love Story.

In his new novel, Moore revisits vampire Jody and her aspiring writer boyfriend, Thomas C. Flood (also a vampire). Only this time, the story is told mostly from the point of view of their personal assistant, Abby Normal — a narrative necessity since Abby and her boyfriend have dipped Jody and Thomas in bronze while they were asleep, rather than taking a chance that they would split up and destroy Abby’s romantic delusions about vampire love.

If you haven’t read the first two books, don’t worry — Abby catches readers up on the plot with an energy-drink fueled text message early in the book, and get used to that style of storytelling because OMFG! and WTF! and like, she said this and he was all like that. (If you don’t like Twitter, Abby Normal is going to make your head explode, is what I am saying.)

But Abby is not Bite Me’s sole narrator. In fact, Abby isn’t the novel’s only main character. Moore brings back plenty of old favorites: the Emperor, Bummer, and Lazarus; Rivera and Cavuto; the employees of Asher’s Secondhand Store; and of course Chet, the giant shaved vampire cat, who is up to all kinds of shenanigans on the streets of San Fran.

Abby faces several dilemmas in Bite Me: 1) The further removed a vampire is from the original source of being bitten, the shorter her lifespan. (Third generation vampires can die within a month. This includes Abby’s boyfriend.) 2) Chet really is wreaking havoc on other cats and homeless people. 3) There’s a vampire cleanup crew in route to San Francisco, and they’re planning to take out all witnesses to any vampiric activity. (Read: Every one of Abby’s boyfriends’ co-worker and pals.)

As usual, Moore is water-spittingly hilarious with his over the top irreverence and raunchiness. And also as usual, Moore can flip in a second and tell you something real and raw and authentically emotional. So while Abby Normal is struggling with vampires, she’s also struggling with her own identity. Moore’s ability to seamlessly transition between the absurd and the dramatic are what make him so successful as an author. No matter how many of his novels I read, he always manages to surprise me.

In a seriously played genre, Moore breathes new life into vampires with Bite Me: A Love Story. You can have Jacob and Edward. I’m Team Abby.

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