Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

• Shocking news regarding Chip, the boy-turned-dish-turned-boy-again from the animated Disney movie Beauty and the Beast. An explosive new expose about the occupants of the Beast’s castle reveals that, even after Chip and his mother, the tea-pot Mrs. Potts, were turned back into humans, Mrs. Potts still kept Chip locked in a cupboard at night and poured scalding hot water into his mouth during the day! Meanwhile, the book also reveals that Chip never should have been turned back into a boy by the magic rose in the first place — that he was born a teacup, the result of an ill-fated affair that the then-human Mrs. Potts had with a porcelain ladle.
• Lucy Lawless’ breasts have announced a development deal with the Starz television network. “What with Spartacus: Blood and Sand, we’re getting more exposure than ever,” Lucy’s left breast told the Poison Pen, “so it seemed only logical to try to push things up to the next level.” Oddly, Lucy herself will not be involved in the television project, tentatively titled, Lucy Lawless’ Tits!, and even the breasts themselves disagree on whether it should have a fantasy setting or a contemporary one. “Truthfully, we’re split right down the middle on this,” the right breast says.
• In other body-transformation news, the Poison Pen is sad to reveal that Princess Farah, the character played by Jane Seymour in the Ray Harryhausen classic Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, is splitting with her husband Prince Kassim, for whom she joined Sinbad in a search for a cure to his having been turned into monkey. “I fell in love with him as a beast,” Farah said, echoing a complaint frequently made by Belle and King Kong’s Ann Darrow. “Humans just don’t measure up.”
• In a highly publicized interview with Barbara Walters, annoying sitcom star Jenna Elfman revealed several surprising things — namely, that her last name is descriptive and that she is, in fact, both an elf and a man. She/he also revealed to Walters that she/he long ago made a pact with Satan, a deal that has been responsible for her/his inexplicable success, but no one was surprised by this latter news, as everyone had pretty much assumed it all along.
• Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain wizard who acts all scatter-brained and feeble-minded, but who is, in actually, a master tactician, expertly manipulating not only the naive hero of the story, but also the evil, if arrogant villain gunning for them both. Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it?

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