Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Angels are the next vampire? Not if devils have anything to say about that! “Look, devils are a much better fit than angels to be the next media phenomenon,” Mephistopheles, Prince of Hell, tells the Poison Pen. “Like vampires, we avoid sunlight, we drink blood, we fly like bats. Ever spend an afternoon with an angel? You spend the next two weeks trying to get down out of your carpet!” To which the Archangel Michael responds, “Yeah, right, cause you just know all those teenage girls out there can’t wait to make out with a horned beast with red skin and leathery wings!”

* * *

A long-simmering feud between Hermione Granger and Susan Pevensie reached a boil last week when Susan “accidentally” loosed an arrow in Hermione’s direction, and Hermione responded by “accidentally” hitting her with a Confringo, or blasting curse. Yes, the source of the conflict is a guy, but it’s probably not one you’d think. Turns out both teen fantasy heroines have been dating Treebeard.

* * *

Shelob, right

In a controversial legal decision, a Middle Earth judge has ruled that Shelob be listed on the Endangered Species List, making it a federal crime to slay the evil spirit that exists high in the Ephel Mountains in the form of a giant arachnid. The ruling riled the families of the many victims of Shelob who argue that balrogs could be next on the list. The judge, meanwhile, was unrepentant. “Look, Shelob is one of a kind!” he said. “How much more endangered can you get that that?” Ironically, Middle Earth’s Endangered Species Act was originally written by Shelob foe, Galadriel, who argued at the time that the law should do more than just protect “cuddly, camera-friendly species like pandas.” A spokeself for the Elven queen said, “Galadriel has diminished and gone into the west. She has no comment.”

* * *

Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain fantasy villain who spends all day brooding in a dreary throne room, dressed in full armor and spelling out his complicated plans to a hapless assistant, who must’ve heard all this before, but always acts as if he’s hearing it for the first time. Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it?

Looking to buy any of the projects mentioned in this article (or any other media)? Support TheTorchOnline.com by purchasing it through this link.

Follow us on Facebook or Twitter.

Similar Posts:

• The Poison Pen: Treebeard Gets Sexy and The Creeper Does Wall-Hangings!
• The Poison Pen (The Latest Gossip from the Kingdom!)
• The Poison Pen: Jenna Elfman is Both Elf and Man! Plus, Lucy Lawless’ Breasts are Going Rogue?
• The Poison Pen (Gossip from the World of Fantasy!)
• The Poison Pen: Bubo Rips CLASH OF THE TITANS Remake and Skull Island Picks a New King!