The Poison Pen: Treebeard Gets Sexy and The Creeper Does Wall-Hangings!

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Categorized | Humor, Latest

Tags : Columns, Jeepers Creepers, The Poison Pen, Treebeard

The Poison Pen: Treebeard Gets Sexy and The Creeper Does Wall-Hangings!

Posted on 09 December 2009 by Brent Hartinger, Editor

Just because someone’s fictional, that doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in juicy scandal! Here’s all the gossip on your favorite fantasy characters:

Not surprisingly, Treebeard is still reeling from the continuing fall-out from his sexually-charged performance of “For Your Entertainment,” his latest single, at last month’s American Music Awards. During the song, the 40 foot-tall tree-like creature shocked many viewers by kissing his male keyboard player and grabbing the crotch of one of his dancers. “It’s all because I’m a tree,” the ent told the Poison Pen of the controversy. “People only accept plants when we reproduce asexually.” One fellow Middle Earth-ian who is feeling Treebeard’s pain is the elven queen Galadriel, who had her own run-in with American Puritanism when she accidentally exposed her pieced nipple during an infamous “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Superbowl.

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Meanwhile, KMart is discovering the darker side of celebrity product lines. The discount retailer, which has had great success with clothing and houseware lines designed and promoted by Jaclyn Smith, Kathy Ireland, and Martha Stewart, has found itself in hot water after introducing a line of wall paneling designed by The Creeper, the evil, virtually-indestructible monster featured in the movies Jeepers Creepers and Jeepers Creepers 2. It’s not that people don’t like the novelty paneling made up of actual dead bodies embalmed and stitched together in horrific, rictus-struck poses; it’s that the Creeper was contractually obligated to only use snatched employees from rival Walmart for his raw materials, but ended up supplementing them with workers from Sears, which Kmart bought in 2004. Oh, Creeper, you’re such a cad!

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More bad news today for the German and American publishers of the classic children’s fantasy novel The Neverending Story by Michael Ende, when a U.S. appellate court ruled that the story does, in fact, end, about where most books end, and that the title is, therefore, deceptive marketing. In a settlement, the publishers agreed to refund the purchase price to anyone who can provide a valid receipt, and rename future editions of the book, The Neverending Story That Does, In Fact, End. And the Poison Pen thought Precious: Based on the Novel Push By Saphire was an awkward title!

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Finally, I’ll leave you with this blind item about a certain “plucky princess” who absolutely refuses to simply be a damsel-in-distress, instead choosing to fight like a trained mercenary, spout one-liners, and squabble constantly with her would-be rescuer even though she’s secretly in love with him. Wait, that pretty much describes them all, doesn’t it?

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