Welcome back, gorehounds, to another installment of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!
Previously on DFW we took a look at who wold win in a fight between Spaniard fencer Inigo Montoya and Wudan master Li Mu-Bai. The winner: Li Mu-Bai and his mystical sword Green Destiny.
Today we peer into the past and match up two fierce ladies who were no stranger to battle: Elizabeth Swann, the aristocrat-turned-pirate who famously sailed the high seas with Captain Jack Sparrow, and the Woad warrior Guinevere, who eventually became the wife of Arthur and Queen of England.
With us today to discuss the life of Elizabeth Swann is Althea Gray, an elderly resident and historian of Port Royal, Jamaica, where Elizabeth once lived.
“Child, Elizabeth Turner, as is the proper name to call her, is a legend not only in Port Royal but the whole of the Caribbean. She was a fearless, driven woman, a natural pirate born into the body of a proper, noble young woman. Her association with Jack Sparrow and his crew brought out her inner pirate. In one instance, she used a basic pirate trick - deception - to sacrifice Jack Sparrow so she and the rest of the crew, including Will Turner, the love of her life, could live. The guilt later on drove her to go to the end of the world to retrieve Jack Sparrow and return him to life.”
And how was she as a fighter, Ms. Gray?
“Well, from what the histories tell us, Elizabeth was a fierce, fierce fighter. She must have been, to be involved in all those skirmishes with pirates and survived! By all accounts, she was a tough young thing, good with a sword, and whatever other weapon she had in hand. She battled cursed immortal ghouls and mortal men alike, fighting side by side with Will Turner, Jack Sparrow, and Hector Barbossa. She was also a leader - she was elected the Pirate King, if you believe it. Imagine, a woman elected Pirate King — by male pirates – at that time in history! She could rally the troops and lead the charge into battle. She was something, I tell you, child.”
Moving on to our next fighter, we examine a legendary woman, one whom historians have never been able to agree on which story of her life is accurate. There have been many tales told about Guinevere, Queen of Camelot, but the version we’ll be discussing today is one championed by historian Artie St. George.
“The true origin of the legend of King Arthur,” Artie tells us, “actually springs from the fifth century AD, when the Romans, who had occupied Britain, began to withdraw, after having battled the native Woads and the ever-invading Saxons for centuries. Arthur, or more accurately Arturius Castus, was a half-Roman, half- Celtic military commander,and was charged with rescuing an endangered noble family. Turns out the head of that family had captured and entombed Guinevere. Arthur freed her, and it turned out to be the best move he could have made.”
Why?
“Later on, Arthur fought against the Saxons at the Battle of Badon Hill, and had it not been for Guinevere and, through her, the allegiance of the Woad people, they would have lost in a heartbeat.”
What were Guinevere’s fighting skills?
“Savage,” Artie tells us. “Woads were highly trained warriors and masters of pretty much all of the martial technology of the time: swords, axes, bows and arrows, whips, you name it. They could fight in packs or just go at it one on one. They never retreated from battle. To do so, for a Woad, would earn them disdain from their fellow warriors. Let’s put it this way: they didn’t lose a lot of fights.”
So how would you place her chances going toe to toe with famed Pirate Elizabeth Swann?
“I’ve heard stories of how tough Elizabeth Swann was, but she’d be no match for Guinevere.”
Overhearing this, Althea interjects. “Oh, honey, I wouldn’t be so sure. Elizabeth Turner — again, she was married — could take on pirate after pirate and not break a sweat. You, for example, couldn’t last two seconds fighting her.”
Artie replies, “Yeah, I’m not going to get roped into a smack-talking situation with an old lady, okay? Just run the stats through the damn computer.”
Run the stats we do, and as it turns out, Artie was right — our battle simulation computer had Guinevere winning the fight 79% of the time. It would seem her martial prowess, lifetime of physical training, and knowledge of many different styles of weaponry giver her the edge over the tough young pirate.
Funny how their artist renderings look alike, though, isn’t it? The resemblance is uncanny.
Join us next time for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior!
Battle #7: Elizabeth Swann vs. Guinevere
Winner: Guinevere
Does Guinevere’s victory here mean we will be spared the fourth threatened installment in the inspired-by-a-disney-ride-and-flogged-until-it’s-a-pink-frothy-mess franchise?
Dear God let it be so.
Something seems a little suspect. Surely they would each pass out from lack of sustenance before they could actually engage in combat?
Perhaps after they were revived with a few Big Macs they could fight each other for the left-over fries, in which instance I foresee Ms Swann reigning supreme since with a few simple flicks of her sword she could remove the belt that Gwen is wearing as a top and send her scurrying for the closest wardrobe to find something equally hideous and impractical to wear.
Ha! Hilarious, 86. I’m all for getting them “both” a sandwich. With full-fat mayonnaise!