So, a few weeks ago I wrote an article in which I stated that not all beloved 80’s cartoons have the sprawling, epic storylines we think they do — it’s just something that’s come with the nostalgia of getting older — and they certainly don’t have the complex mythology deserving to be made into a movie.
He-Man. Thundercats. G.I. Joe. Transformers. All of these either have been made or very soon will be made into films…or, more accurately, film franchises. The movie tycoons are capitalizing on our nostalgia by bastardizing some of our most treasured pre-school fictions.
I capped off the article with a joke about how I was looking forward to when they finally made the epic Smurfs movie, complete with a funny picture of a bad-ass Smurf holding a gun, being draped by a slutty Smurfette.
It was a joke.
At the time.
Sadly, I have since learned that it’s happening. Like, for reals. According to this article (and many other sources), Raja Gosnell, director of such Pullitzer-prize winning classics as Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Doo 2, Big Momma’s House, and Beverly Hills Chihuahua, will be helming the Smurfs movie, set for 2010. It will be a blend of live-action and CGI.
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Why?
Why why why why, Hollywood, why is this necessary? Can’t you just leave some things well enough alone?
Okay, that’s really not fair of me to lump everyone in Hollywood together, so I’ll just direct that question to the producers of this film, and whoever else thought this was a good idea.
Mr. Gosnell, I get you, you’re a director and this is a paycheck. People laugh at your movies, not with them, but then you turn around and laugh at us all the way to the bank.
But the producers of this film? The executives who greenlighted it? Why bother with a Smurfs movie?
The answer to this is telling of a much larger problem, and I’m not breaking any news by mentioning it: there are simply no new ideas being made.
Notice I didn’t say there are no new ideas. There are. Every day, brilliant would-be filmmakers are inspired with new ideas, fantastic new stories on par with incredible minds like Hitchcock, Serling, etc. But they’ll never be made. The movie-churning machine is only interested in projects that will make them BILLIONS, and that means franchises (many-movie deals) of pre-exisiting commodities with a (supposedly) built-in fan base, or at least mass awareness, which (supposedly) makes marketing easier.
Hollywood’s greed directly translates into a wealth of crappy movies that are being forced down our throats, while brilliant screenplays lie on shelves collecting dust…that is if they’re not immediately shredded.
I’d end this article with a joke about how at least I’m looking forward to The Snorks movie, but I’ve learned my lesson.
A Smurf movie but no Xena movie. Cosmic injustice.
I actually can’t wait for this movie. I have been waiting for a long time. Dont’ hate me! I read John Lithgow is playing Gargamel. Can’t wait!
Check out my website for Origination at http://www.reblakeslee.com
Chosen as a Redeemer, he must conquer shadows to reveal the light.
Maybe they’ll make a Samurai Pizza Cats movie. ‘Cause, y’know, that show was just oozing plotlines when I was a kid.
In all seriousness, it’d be nice to start a rally of people refusing to see these kinds of movies. As in, “We will not give you money for this, so move on to something better already, dammit” kind of thing. Maybe if we cut off their franchise money, they’ll move on. (What a nice dream.)