Bloodthirsty of the world, unite!
Here we are again for another round of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, our regular column where we match up warriors from the realms of fantasy to determine who is the most lethal in combat. Like that show on SpikeTV. But way more awesome.
Today’s battle spans millenia and is a grudge match that has long been the subject of popular debate, as both opponents are combat royalty.
In ancient Greece, no warrior was more feared than the woman known as Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. Over the course of her legendary life, she fought warlords, monsters, and gods, armed with her sword, chakram, and killer gams.
She was called the Warrior Princess, and no greater hero was ever known in all of Greece. (There are a few stories about some dude named Hercules, but no one seems too interested.)
Xena was a master of many forms of combat, from standard swordplay to exotic eastern martial arts, and she possessed a lethal knowledge of pressure points.
Our expert guest with knowledge of all things Xena is Renee Covington, the granddaughter of famed archaeologist Janis Covington who first discovered the artifacts known as the “Xena scrolls,” thus shedding light on who this woman really was.
“She was almost superhuman,” Renee tells us. “In fact, there is a possibility that she was the daughter of Ares, although that’s debatable depending on who you talk to.”
And what of the Xena scrolls’ mention that she and Ares had a romantic past?
“Gross, right? Yeah. Best not to think about it too much. But if you want to talk about how Xena would fare in a one-on-one against Buffy? Please. No contest. Xena all the way.”
And speaking of Buffy, let’s examine our other fighter. California native Buffy Summers was, for several years, the one and only Vampire Slayer, the Chosen One, the lone human warrior who will defend mankind against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. Though one girl is chosen and serves until her death, thousands of girls have the potential to be a Slayer.
In 2003, Buffy’s friend, powerful witch Willow Rosenburg, cast a spell so that every girl with the potential for the Slayer’s power received it, literally creating an army of super-powered women. These days, they’re up to all sorts of shenanigans. Buffy’s friend, Andrew Wells, was kind enough to drop in and lend his expertise about the Slayer and her powers.
“Um, I don’t think you understand how awesome she is. I know, because I use to fight against her as an evil genius before I turned good and now Mr. Giles has trained me to be a Watcher so I’m in charge of a lot of Slayers, which is mostly turning out okay even though this one girl with a mohawk named Simone went bad, and she was in my team but it wasn’t technically my fault, you see, because…”
When he paused to inhale, we asked him how, in his professional opinion, he thought Buffy would fare in a one-on-one match against Xena.
“Oh, she would kick that warrior princess’s perfectly toned lady butt!” he exclaims. “Buffy is a kung fu mama. She’s even tougher than the Bionic Woman! And I mean the new Bionic Woman, not Lindsay Wagner, even though Lindsay Wagner’s version of Jamie Sommers was arguably better because –”
“Ridiculous,” Renee scoffs. “Xena destroyed gods. She fought giants. She fended off entire armies - by herself! Buffy’s a tough cookie, no doubt, but she’s never done anything alone. She may have slayed vampires, sure, but do you really think Xena would even flinch at a vamp? Every major battle Buffy’s ever won has been because of help from her friends, some of whom, like Willow, are MORE powerful than she is!”
“Yeah, but–” Andrew says.
Renee cuts him off. “No one’s saying Buffy isn’t a great warrior, but Xena has simply been up against bigger challenges, and won.”
“But Buffy killed the Mayor who turned into a giant snake!” Andrew cries.
“An assload of TNT killed the Mayor, and Buffy needed her entire graduating class to fend off the vampire army he assembled!” Renee replies.
“Buffy killed Glorificus, a god! Well, technically Mr. Giles did when she was in the body of Human Ben, but Buffy could have. She gave her a major slayer smackdown and stuff.”
“That’s one god, and she was just a demigod from some Hell dimension. How many gods has Xena beaten in battle?”
“Buffy beat up Dracula!”
“Xena beat up THE DEVIL!”
“Buffy killed that Adam guy, who was like a monster machine Frankenstein thing -”
“With the help of Willow and two others, who cast a spell and shared their power with her,” Renee says.
“Well, when Willow, who you’re clearly in lesbian love with, turned bad, Buffy fought her–”
“And was beat down,” Renee answers. “It was Xander who stopped Willow with a few choice words. All Buffy did was use her face to bruise Willow’s knuckles.”
“Buffy destroyed the First Evil!”
“No, she didn’t. She just fought against the army of Turok-Khans, but even then she was just one of dozens of slayers fighting. And it was that magic amulet thing Angel gave her that really won the battle, not Buffy’s fighting skills.”
Andrew turns to us and whines, “I don’t like her. She’s too know-it-all.”
Know-it-all though Renee may be, she’s also quite correct, according to our battle simulation computer. While Buffy is an extremely powerful warrior, she doesn’t quite live up to all of the battles, the experience, and the martial know-how of the ancient Warrior Princess, Xena. Our simulations showed Xena winning 68% of the time. Not a landslide victory, but a victory nonetheless.
“This test is fixed. I’m going back to Scotland,” Andrew yells at us as he leaves.
Join us next time for another edition of DEADLIEST FANTASY WARRIOR!
Battle #3: Xena vs. Buffy
Winner: Xena
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i love xena im a big fan my names xena because my mum loved the show and i love xena i’ve got and of the episodes
We aim to please, Catherine, we aim to please. Thrilled to have another fan-girl on board! :)
So i have just discovered that this website is totally devoted to all the shows i was (who am i kidding… still AM) ridiculously obsessed with. i think you just won best website EVER award and in the process have prevented me from doing anything productive today. multiple articles about xena AND buffy?? it is debilitating for a fan-girl.
I really don’t see the point of scenarios pitting heroes against each other. Unless they battle to a draw and then decide to join forces and battle evil.
How about Buffy and her Scoobies teaming up with the Charmed Ones? Or the Charmed Ones with Harry Potter?
And my personal favorite, Xena teamed with Conan, or with Edgar rice Burroughs’ John Carter of Mars. Or Xena and Tarzan.
How about Xena and Wonder Woman together to save the Amazon Nation?
That pointless, mindless swipe at Hercules invalidated the whole thing, but for the record, I don’t concur with the result. Xena might win, but it’s WAAAAY too close to call.
Haha, that was hilarious. And true!
xena rules. of course she would beat buffy. and brunets are soo much beter than blonds.
Xena is a warrior! (DESTROYS ANY THING & ANY ONE!), Lucy Lawless is a ‘GREAT’ betiful princess (What the legs! O.O)… Buffy is a poser and fake (i never believe in that pathetic bad ladyvanhelsing’s imitation), Sarah Michelle Gellar is a cute person but weak (she cried in the recordings pfff -.-). Buffy is nothing (just a child :) compared to the princess XENA.
XENA RULES!! GLORIA!!! SALVE XENA!!XENA RULES!! GLORIA!!! SALVE XENA!!
BUFFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Buffy The Vampire Slayer The Best!!!
Xena might kick Buffy’s ass, but Willow would put the smackdown on the warrior princess but good! With just a wave of her hand, no need to get all dirty and sweaty.
How cool was this article?? Thanks for keeping the Buffy and Xenaverses alive guys!!!
Xena would definitely win. Not that I’m not hugely obsessed with the Buffyverse too. But the laws of physics (and a lot of other stuff) seem to like Xena better. Not to mention that true swordplay is way underdone in the Buffyverse. Still, it would be an excelent fight. The actors should get together, the main ones from both shows, and figure out how to put something like that together with all of them, with a plot and everything. And then make only one other copy, and sell it on the internet for some noble cause. That would be something.
i miss this show. those chick were sooo hot
Ahaha! What an excellent match-up. Even if we all know who would win, the fight itself would be a thing of greatness.
The real smackdown in this week’s DFW is Renee Covington’s evidentiary annihilation of Andrew. Stop being a whiny fanboy, Andrew - you clearly Did Not Do The Research. ;)
Somewhat Off-Topic - Is it true The Torch Online is interviewing Lucy Lawless soon? If so, color me bright green with jealousy. Look forward to reading the interview.
Yup, it’s true. And I admit to being intimidated! :-)
!!!!!
Can I sit in the corner and very quietly lose my mind while this takes place?
yea i think they should this but i wish when it was william wallace vs shaka zulu butu i thi nk the modern day chick will win
Is there any chance you could annoy/hassle/harangue Lucy Lawless about providing her “likeness” approval to Diamond Select Toys (DST) so that the D’Anna Biers action figure (Lucy Lawless’ character on Battlestar Galactica) (pictured here: http://lib.store.yahoo.net/lib/wizarduniverse/nytfbsg7.jpg) can FINALLY be released?
Excellent. The answer was so obvious. Xena RULES!
Besides, even if Xena *died* she’d just come back again. She’s far more proficient at returning from the dead than Buffy is. Except when it comes to the big screen. But a Whedon-free movie doesn’t necessarily count in Buffy’s favour.
Although to be fair, given Xena’s weakness for young, nubile and blonde women and Buffy’s recent “adventures” with fellow vampire slayer Satsu, any battle between Xena and Buffy is highly likely to end in a completely different way.
Which of course would leave Willow and Gabrielle the opportunity to get to know each other better as well. Hmmmmmmmmm. Willelle. Gabbow.
Next: Xena vs. Wonder Woman? Astronauts vs. Cave Men? Halle Berry’s Storm vs. Halle Berry’s Catwoman (hint - we lose)?
“Hmmmmmmmmm. Willelle. Gabbow.” and Xuffy, oh my! Deadliest Fantasy Warrior just became a slashfic waiting to happen.