Bloodthirsty of the world, unite!
Here we are again for another round of Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, our regular column where we match up warriors from the realms of fantasy to determine who is the most lethal in combat. Like that show on SpikeTV. But way more awesome.
Today’s battle spans millenia and is a grudge match that has long been the subject of popular debate, as both opponents are combat royalty.
In ancient Greece, no warrior was more feared than the woman known as Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. Over the course of her legendary life, she fought warlords, monsters, and gods, armed with her sword, chakram, and killer gams.
She was called the Warrior Princess, and no greater hero was ever known in all of Greece. (There are a few stories about some dude named Hercules, but no one seems too interested.)
Xena was a master of many forms of combat, from standard swordplay to exotic eastern martial arts, and she possessed a lethal knowledge of pressure points.
Our expert guest with knowledge of all things Xena is Renee Covington, the granddaughter of famed archaeologist Janis Covington who first discovered the artifacts known as the “Xena scrolls,” thus shedding light on who this woman really was.
“She was almost superhuman,” Renee tells us. “In fact, there is a possibility that she was the daughter of Ares, although that’s debatable depending on who you talk to.”
And what of the Xena scrolls’ mention that she and Ares had a romantic past?
“Gross, right? Yeah. Best not to think about it too much. But if you want to talk about how Xena would fare in a one-on-one against Buffy? Please. No contest. Xena all the way.”
And speaking of Buffy, let’s examine our other fighter. California native Buffy Summers was, for several years, the one and only Vampire Slayer, the Chosen One, the lone human warrior who will defend mankind against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. Though one girl is chosen and serves until her death, thousands of girls have the potential to be a Slayer.
In 2003, Buffy’s friend, powerful witch Willow Rosenburg, cast a spell so that every girl with the potential for the Slayer’s power received it, literally creating an army of super-powered women. These days, they’re up to all sorts of shenanigans. Buffy’s friend, Andrew Wells, was kind enough to drop in and lend his expertise about the Slayer and her powers.
“Um, I don’t think you understand how awesome she is. I know, because I use to fight against her as an evil genius before I turned good and now Mr. Giles has trained me to be a Watcher so I’m in charge of a lot of Slayers, which is mostly turning out okay even though this one girl with a mohawk named Simone went bad, and she was in my team but it wasn’t technically my fault, you see, because…”
When he paused to inhale, we asked him how, in his professional opinion, he thought Buffy would fare in a one-on-one match against Xena.
“Oh, she would kick that warrior princess’s perfectly toned lady butt!” he exclaims. “Buffy is a kung fu mama. She’s even tougher than the Bionic Woman! And I mean the new Bionic Woman, not Lindsay Wagner, even though Lindsay Wagner’s version of Jamie Sommers was arguably better because –”
“Ridiculous,” Renee scoffs. “Xena destroyed gods. She fought giants. She fended off entire armies - by herself! Buffy’s a tough cookie, no doubt, but she’s never done anything alone. She may have slayed vampires, sure, but do you really think Xena would even flinch at a vamp? Every major battle Buffy’s ever won has been because of help from her friends, some of whom, like Willow, are MORE powerful than she is!”
“Yeah, but–” Andrew says.
Renee cuts him off. “No one’s saying Buffy isn’t a great warrior, but Xena has simply been up against bigger challenges, and won.”
“But Buffy killed the Mayor who turned into a giant snake!” Andrew cries.
“An assload of TNT killed the Mayor, and Buffy needed her entire graduating class to fend off the vampire army he assembled!” Renee replies.
“Buffy killed Glorificus, a god! Well, technically Mr. Giles did when she was in the body of Human Ben, but Buffy could have. She gave her a major slayer smackdown and stuff.”
“That’s one god, and she was just a demigod from some Hell dimension. How many gods has Xena beaten in battle?”
“Buffy beat up Dracula!”
“Xena beat up THE DEVIL!”
“Buffy killed that Adam guy, who was like a monster machine Frankenstein thing -”
“With the help of Willow and two others, who cast a spell and shared their power with her,” Renee says.
“Well, when Willow, who you’re clearly in lesbian love with, turned bad, Buffy fought her–”
“And was beat down,” Renee answers. “It was Xander who stopped Willow with a few choice words. All Buffy did was use her face to bruise Willow’s knuckles.”
“Buffy destroyed the First Evil!”
“No, she didn’t. She just fought against the army of Turok-Khans, but even then she was just one of dozens of slayers fighting. And it was that magic amulet thing Angel gave her that really won the battle, not Buffy’s fighting skills.”
Andrew turns to us and whines, “I don’t like her. She’s too know-it-all.”
Know-it-all though Renee may be, she’s also quite correct, according to our battle simulation computer. While Buffy is an extremely powerful warrior, she doesn’t quite live up to all of the battles, the experience, and the martial know-how of the ancient Warrior Princess, Xena. Our simulations showed Xena winning 68% of the time. Not a landslide victory, but a victory nonetheless.
“This test is fixed. I’m going back to Scotland,” Andrew yells at us as he leaves.
Join us next time for another edition of DEADLIEST FANTASY WARRIOR!
Battle #3: Xena vs. Buffy