Hello, fans of blood, gore, and general yuckiness, and welcome to another installment of the column that, like the Spike TV hit Deadliest Warrior, pits famous warriors against each other. (But in our case, we match famous fantasy warriors!)
Last time we checked in to see who would win in a fight between an Uruk-hai and a Skeleton Warrior. The result? A complete bonebath as the Uruk stood victorious.
This week we turn our attention to a grudge match that has been going on for a while among aficionados of the undead. Vampires are, of course, a force to be reckoned with, and while the general rules tend to be the same — drink human blood, killed by sunlight — the details changedepending on which pack of blood-drinkers you’re dealing with.
For example, according to vampire journalist Anne Rice, vampires have no aversion to crucifixes at all, whereas in the laws explained to us by student of the undead Joss Whedon, if a cross touches a vampire, said vamp will sizzle and burn, and eventually die.
We’ve brought in two experts to shed more light onto the situation. Up first, we have Azriel LeFeau, a resident of New Orleans and follower of the creatures of the night.
“The thing to remember about vampires,” moans Azriel, “is that they are here, walking among us, seeing our world with supernatural eyes and longing to be part of it, and yet they can never be so. Their greatest gift is their greatest tragedy. And that, my friend, that is their beauty.”
He wipes a tear from his eye, smearing his Midnight Black Eyeliner.
“You think you know what it is to feel? You can never know truly what a feeling is until you’ve been given the Dark Gift.”
Uh-huh. But what about taking on a Sunnydale vamp?
“It’s simple. The vampires in California are weak, but even worse, they’re ugly. What’s with their faces? That squished skin thing above their eyes? Ew. Vampires should be beautiful. Plus, Sunnydale vampires have too much fun. They should understand that life is nothing but pain.”
Moving on, we now take a closer look at said squished-skinned vampires. Joining us for this exercise is Adriana Van Salazar, a personal trainer and martial arts instructor living in Sunnydale, California.
“Okay, the thing about the vampires we have here is that they are kick-ass. No matter what they were in life, they inevitably learn a style of martial arts known as Vamp Fu. It’s a lot of jumping and spin-kicking. Professional stunt people wish they could move like that. Now, from what I understand, their social behavior is similar to that of the vampires in New Orleans, in that younger vamps act as drones, more or less, for older, more powerful vamps. There’s just one noticeable difference.”
Which is?
“The New Orleans vampires are pussies.”
So you’re hedging your bets on the Sunnydale vampires, then?
“No contest. They would cream those N’Arleans bloodsuckers.”
“Impossible!” Azriel shouts. “Those brainless Californian vampires could destroy the likes of Lestat de Lioncourt?!”
“Well, not just any one of them could. The newer ones would probably be get a beat down, but if you’re talking about someone like Spike or Angel … hell, even Drusilla, then yeah.”
“But, but..” Azriel sputters, “do they know how to feel?”
Adriana’s retort? “Yo, seriously, where did you find this kid?”
We took all of the info and fed it into the battle simulation computer. On paper, the New Orleans vampires seem more formidable: they are unaffected by garlic, crosses, and stakes through the heart. They can control the minds of mortals and read their thoughts, and with age many are able to fly. They have exceptional physical strength and speed and can mimic any physical action. Some can even set things on fire using only their mind. Many are telekinetic.
The Sunnydale vampires, on the other hand, are prey to almost all the classic vampire-killing methods: stakes, crosses, holy water, beheading, etc. Their mind powers are pretty much nil.
The result?
New Orleans vampires win in 95% of our battle simulations.
“Shenanigans!” Adriana yells.
Azriel, in a surprisingly upbeat motion, jumps up and down giddily. “See? I told you! Not so tough now, are — ”
He is unable to finish his sentence and Adriana spin-kicks him in the face.
Join us next time for the third installment of Deadliest FANTASY Warrior!
Battle #2: Joss Whedon’s Vampires vs. Anne Rice’s Vampires
Winner: Anne Rice’sVampires
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“while the general rules tend to be the same — drink human blood, killed by sunlight”
The sunlight thing pretty much began with Nosferatu, after over a century of vampire literature and many millennia of vampire myth.
If you pitted Hammer Films’ two main vampires, Dracula and Carmilla, and/or their broods, against one another, Drac’s vulnerability to sunlight, fire, hawthorn, and running water, none of which bothers Carmilla at all, means that the supposed King Vampire wouldn’t last long. In the original books, neither was hurt by sunlight.
Here’s the thing though - the Sunnydale vamps are inherently evil, while the New Orleans vamps are really kind of all about the feelings. The Sunnydale vamps may have a lot more weaknesses, but it needs to be mentioned that in a fight, they’re a hell of a lot more determined to win.
For instance, part of the reason the Civil war was so bloody was because both sides - especially the confederate side, I believe - were so committed to what they were fighting for, that they were fighting for the right thing. If you just pit these two groups against each other, the Sunnydale vamps wouldn’t just find it incredibly fun, they’d devise all sorts of horrible, evil ways for it to go down so that they won - and, frankly, they’d probably work with the slayer who lives there (The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? And she *is* determined to slay all the vampires). Besides, as far as evil goes, I have to say, the Sunnydale vamps have it pegged.
Not that I’ve just gone on a few-week-long Buffy binge or anything…
Sure, the Sunnydale vamps are tough, but do they truly know how to FEEL??
Sure they do, at least Spike does, see Buffy episode, Fool for Love. Emo king, no chip nor soul either.
As far as Anne Rice vs Joss Whedon’s vampires. I think you’ll have scale it. As the article states, the older the vampire, the more powerful they are and Anne Rice’s ancient vampires can get pretty darn powerful. I mean in Queen of the Damned, Akasha and Khayman of the First Brood are flying around in broad daylight and heating up opponent vampire blood with their thoughts! That’s pretty damn powerful. The vampire leader in the Buffy movie was purported to be 1200 years old if memory serves me right…. and he was pretty lame and The Master (800 years old) was stuck under a church.
So I would say really old Anne Rice Vampires beat really old Whedon vampires while recently created Whedon vampires, who come out of the ground knowing vamp fu, over recently created Rice vampires, who come out crying.
In the match of the day, I’ll take Angel and Spike over Lestat and Louis easily.
Though most of the Whedon vamps were just fodder for Buffy. The ones we got to know could definitely feel. They knew love (though somewhat twisted) loyalty, depression, anger, sadness, jealousy, and many more emotions. And I’m not speaking of Angel who had his soul but Spike and Also Dusila, who both showed many levels of feeling. Darla also in post death revelations had a high level of emotion and feelings.
And let’s face it, the Whedon vamps are just so much better looking that Lestat, heck Drusilla is better looking than Lestat. Sunnydale vamps also do not need to SPARKLE. Just finished Buffy again and starting on Angel…again.
As much as I love Joss, I’m for Anne Rice’s vamps hands down… but I beg that you take down the “Queen of the Damned” screenshoot… it was extremely degrading to the book (having nothing really to do with the original storyline…)
Spike (William) and Angel (Liam) are the best! I loved their stories more than Anne Rice’s stories about Luis and Lestat. The episode “Fool for Love” is one of the best episodes on Buffy and the church scene from the episode “Beneath you” (Buffy season 7), where Spike was burning on the cross, brought me to tears – it was so emotional scene…
Old age is actually a bit of a disadvantage for Whedonverse vamps after a certain point - they do get more powerful (hence the terror surrounding the Master, and Kakistos being so difficult to kill; and conversely Giles’ shortlived relief on discovering how young Spike was, before learning that he’d killed two Slayers), but they also start to de-evolve physically, becoming progressively more animalistic: hence Kakistos’ hands and feet turning into cloven hooves, and the Master having pretty much the face of a bat. It’s more difficult to fight if you no longer have opposable thumbs!