The hit Spike TV series Deadliest Warrior pits famous warriors from history against each other, but in this new column, we do one better: we match famous FANTASY warriors.
Opponents will be matched up and discussed with a panel of experts, and we’ll delve into their combat styles and weaponry.
And like Deadliest Warrior, we’ll declare a victor about who would win a fight between them!
For our first match up, we’ll be pairing up two very different types of soldier: the Uruk-hai of Isengard, Middle-Earth, and the skeleton warriors of Colchis, most noted for battling Jason and the Argonauts in their quest for the Golden Fleece.
Let’s take a look at the Uruk-hai first. With us today is John “Quenya” McVoy, noted paleoanthropologist who made a name for himself studying the remnants of the civilizations of Middle Earth.
“An important thing to remember about the Fighting Uruk-hai,” says McVoy, “is that they aren’t regular orcs. These were a special breed of orcs created by the evil wizard Saruman in the Third Age during the War of the Ring. They were taller, stronger, and better warriors than your standard orc. They were resistant to sunlight, possibly due to the theory that Saruman created them by cross-breeding orcs and men.”
According to McVoy, Saruman’s Uruk-hai used broad-sided blades of some unknown but surely evil alloy. Their armor was of the same make, and in a show of bravery and fierceness, only their fronts were armored - the idea being an Uruk-hai never ran from battle, so his back needed no armor.
Wielding the sword for us, McVoy shows us the brutal cutting motion that was the primary move of the Uruk-hai’s fencing style. When performed on our test dummy, the sword went clean through the plastic.
Moving to our next subject, ancient Greek historian Andros Antonopoulos has this to say about the skeleton warriors of Colchis: “When Jason, one of Greece’s first national heroes, stole the Golden Fleece from Colchis in order to claim his rightful place as King of Thessaly, he angered the King of Cochis, a man named Aeetes. Aeetes used the teeth of a fallen Hydra to create these skeleton soldiers, much like Cadmus sowing dragon’s teeth to create warriors from the ground. The skeletons almost did Jason and crew in, let me tell you. How do you kill a skeleton?”
When asked how they would fare in a fight against the Uruk-hai, Antonopoulos posits, “Oh, no contest. The skeleton would win!”
Overhearing this, McVoy interjects, “Are you kidding me? A bag of bones going up against one of the most lethal killing machines of the Third Age? There would be nothing left but broken bones and the sweet, sweet smell of marrow.”
“We’ll see,” Antonopoulos says. We set up our dummy as Antonopoulos explained their fighting style. “It was pretty simple, straight-forward offensive. They moved in a kind of jerky motion, being just bones - no sinew or muscle. If you can picture it, it probably looked a lot like stop-motion animation! They did carry shields, despite having no vital organs to protect. But they were primarily hackers and slashers, using the iron short sword, not atypical of that era.”
We had dressed our dummy in the Uruk-hai armor to give Antonopoulos an idea of what the battle might be like. “As anyone can see,” Antonopoulos points out,” the Uruk-hai armor is weak at the neck and beneath the arm. A skeleton warrior would see that.” He then picks up the iron short sword and slides it cleanly through what would be an Uruk’s neck.
With all the parameters in place, we did the final test. We fed all of this information into our computer for battle simulations. What we discovered surprised no one … except Antonopoulos. Each time we ran the simulation, the two combatants charged and ran full-force into each other. This was the result:
Battle #1: Uruk-hai VS. Skeleton Warrior
Winner: Uruk-hai
Haha….skeletons vs Uruks….like D’oooooh!
Try using a hobbit next time…he has more chances of defeating an Uruk-hai warrior.
Question: If an Uruk warrior charges without stoping…..straight forward into the skeleton…..how can he be stopped by a bunch of bones?
The skeleton is perfect for slashing etc……yea….slash an Uruk running at full speed towards you…slash him in his heavy armor…..and while you are at it…try killing a dinosaur with a stick…..kind of the same.
Very funny article !
It is a bit obvious that the Uruks would win. Think about it. If both the skeleton and Uruk wouldnt fight with swords but with just their limbs then the Uruk would surely win. Because an Uruk has a much more muscular body which covers a bigger strength then the Skeleton. There for anything that would remain of the skeleton is a a few broken and snapped bones.
“If you can picture it, it probably looked a lot like stop-motion animation!” Very funny. But this was not a fair match: I almost feel sorry for the skeletons.
Looking forward to the next battle!
That was. . . I don’t know, but duh, an Uruk-hai would have won. If memory serves, the skeleton warriors sucked badly. I’ve seen an episode or two of Deadliest Warrior, and I think it is completely and utterly studpid. From the 300 inspired narration to the “experts,” I just do not buy the show’s premise. But I am looking forward to Buffy v. Xena etc.
Excellent article.
I look forward to your words of wisdom on the eternal “Xena Vs. Buffy” debate.
And the possibly not so well known, but equally important “Astronaut Vs. Caveman” issue.