I just finished re-reading all the Harry Potter books again. Just like the first time through, I was sucked into J.K. Rowling’s stunning world of magic. I want a wand! I want to play Quidditch! I want to buy everything the Weasley twins sell in their joke shop!
Mostly.
As cool as these things are, I’m not sure the benefits of being a wizard make up for the downsides. There are some very good reasons I’m glad I’m a muggle:
My Teddy Bear Can’t Turn Into A Giant Tarantula
Remember why Ron was afraid of spiders? Because his brothers turned his teddy bear into a giant spider while he was hugging it. I can’t imagine anything more horrific. I think this would scar me a lot more that just making me afraid of spiders. I think I’d pretty much be terrified of stuffed animals in general, every species of bear known to humans — and, uh, especially sadistic brothers.
I Don’t Have A Slave and My School Doesn’t Have Slaves
The magical world seems awfully blase about the idea of having a slave around the house. I’d like to think I’d be in Hermione’s camp! It would be particularly difficult to go to school in a place where the cooking and cleaning is done by slaves — elf or otherwise.
The Imperius Curse
Can you imagine not knowing whether the mind of your best friend, boss, or spouse has been possessed by your mortal enemy? Could you ever trust anyone again? Give that it’s so incredibly horrible — and given that it happens a fair bit in the books! — the wizarding world doesn’t really have a good way of dealing with this problem. (And I’d add on to this the memory charms. It’s remarkably easy to make people forget their memories, which means you can’t trust your own mind either. Great!)
Earwax Flavored Candy
‘Nuff said.
I Can’t Be Thrown Into Azkaban Without A Trial … Let Alone Evidence
Hagrid was suspected — with no proof! — of opening the Chamber of Secrets and letting out the monster. The first time he was suspected, he was expelled from school, which is bad enough. The second time, though, the Minister of Magic threw him into Azkaban for two months just to be sure it wasn’t him!
Really, Minister? Just because he’s suspected of a crime, you’re going to toss him into a soul-sucking prison that drives its inmates crazy? Does that punishment really fit the crime? In what world can that possibly be all right?
I’ll take my Bill of Rights intact, thank you very much.
The Principal Doesn’t Keep A Three-Headed Guard Dog At School
Perhaps wizarding parents are just more accepting of putting their kids in mortal danger. In the first book, Dumbledore puts a three-headed guard dog a school hallway and then just tells students not to go in. Is he kidding? There wasn’t a better place to put it? Like … oh, anywhere that’s not a school?!
This is also a good place to point out that the Forbidden Forest is on school grounds, which means that there are talking killer spiders on school grounds. That’s basically like having a corner of the playground filled with land mines.
There’s also a giant racist killer basilisk in the school basement, just for good measure. I suppose if it weren’t there, though, you’d just be worried about the poltergeist in the hallway, so maybe it’s there for putting things in perspective.
So, yes. Spare me the basilisks and the awful candy and the jinx that makes me dance. I’m happy to stay a Muggle … although I still wouldn’t mind a game of Quidditch now and then.
I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.
I never got the house elf or the lack of civil rights thing either…
I know. You’d think that there would be more of a stink made by other students (especially muggleborns) besides Hermione. I wonder, though, could it be a variation on Merry England?
Ha! Very true. This made me laugh.
I know what you mean. I won’t pretend that I’ve actually read the Harry Potter books (tried Goblet and hated it). That said, one wishes Rowling had actually explored this in the series- what do muggleborns do who want to stay muggle?