One Torch (Out of Five)
I still remember how much I wanted to see The Goonies, the 1985 Richard Donner movie about a group of misfits who call themselves The Goonies and who, when their families are faced with eviction, try to save the day by finding a long-hidden pirate’s fortune.
Who wouldn’t want to see that movie, especially as a kid?
Then I actually saw it, and I couldn’t believe how stupid it was.
To my surprise, the movie ended up being one of the year’s top-grossers. But whatever. Every year, there are plenty of stupid movies that end up being box-office hits — usually through some combination of hype and gimmickry. There’s also usually that sense among those who actually saw the movie in a theater that they’re thinking, “Oh, Lord, why the hell did I fall for it?”
That’s what I assumed most people thought about The Goonies: “We both made a big mistake last night, so let’s just pretend it never happened, okay?”
Then over the years, I watched in horror as the reputation of The Goonies as a “cult” movie began to grow — and not in a so-bad-it’s-good-Showgirls kind of way. In a I-love-that-movie! kind of way.
Sure, some of The Goonies current cult status can be attributed to nostalgia — adults having fond feelings because the movie reminds them of their youth.
But younger generations have since discovered the movie. And many of them seem to love it too. There’s even talk of a sequel.
The first time I heard this, I thought, “WTF? How could today’s ironic, sophisticated, seen-it-all kids fall for such a contrived, treacly, poorly made piece of crap?”
It was me, I finally decided. I’d been in a bad mood the day I’d seen The Goonies all those years ago. Surely, it couldn’t be as bad I remembered.
A few weeks ago, I decided to watch it again.
And it was so much worse than I remembered!
The central story is admittedly a good one, and many of the young actors (including future stars Josh Brolin, Sean Astin, and Martha Plimpton) are charming.
But there are so many plot contrivances!
One-Eyed Willy, a pirate who has hidden his ship inside a massive sea cave, guards it with a series of traps. One of them is a massive organ that must be played with just the right notes or pieces of the floor collapses.
Seriously? One-Eyed Willy has the time, technology, and energy to build such a massive, complicated, and wildly inefficient trap?
Then they find One-Eyed Willy’s body: literally sitting next to the treasure, waiting for them. So … what? Willy built all those elaborate traps, somehow got the treasure map out into the world, then returned to their ship, arranged himself in front of the treasure and … just died?
At the end of the movie when the kids are reunited with their parents, they’re literally signing the eviction papers on the beach.
And don’t get me started on Data’s “brilliant” inventions that are mostly just stupid sight-gags.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Lighten up, dude! It’s just a kids’ movie!”
Maybe so. But I can’t think of another kids’ movie that’s half this contrived.
And what pushes this movie into the ranks of the truly horrible for me is its treatment of “Chunk,” the fat kid. Not only do the other kids tease him — giving him the moniker “Chunk” and making him do the completely humiliating “Truffle Shuffle” — the movie clearly hates him too, making him a cowardly compulsive liar and showing him as the butt of cruel fat jokes again and again.
This is really ironic in a movie that’s supposed to be about misunderstood misfits, and that tries to elicit sympathy for One-Eyed Willy who is deemed “the first Goonie,” because he had only one eye.
But perhaps these appalling fat jokes aren’t too surprising given that Stephen Spielberg produced, co-wrote, and co-directed (uncredited) the movie; the Shindler’s List director is notorious for including in his movies mean-spirited jokes directed at fat people.
Then there’s the Sloth, the mentally challenged Fratelli brother that his family has literally chained away, reducing him to virtually the level of an unspeaking animal. I know sensibilities have changed a lot since the movie came out, but even when I first saw it, I found the character and his situation, as exaggerated as he is, to be horrifying, not funny.
Do I like anything about The Goonies? Well, it happens to have a pretty good movie theme song: Cyndi Lauper’s “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough.”
Interested in buying The Goonies? (For God’s sake, WHY?!) But if you do (or want to buy any other media), support TheTorchOnline.com by buying it through this link.
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Ouch! But completely agree.
Dude, really? Get over it, if it sucked so much why are you bothering to give it the time and energy to write this article. Sure, you might not like the movie, but did you stop to think that there might be a reason that all those people like it. Its basically a fairy tale, and I can think of plenty of movies that are just as contrived and I have news for you they’re not all children’s movies either.
It’s the meanness of the movie that bugs me. It’s really, really nasty. Don’t get the appeal at all.
There are lots of other contrived movies (as Hel says), but I agree: it’s the nastiness of this movie to the fat kid that really sets this one apart.
Hilarious. I liked the movie, but totally agree about the “Chunk” part. And before someone says something about “changing sensibilities,” that’s what I thought at the time too.
Really, man. You gonna hate on the Goonies. The movie is a classic. Ever hear of suspension of disbelief. It’s one of those case where the wildest most unbelievable local legends turns out to be true. These silly plot contrivances were INTENTIONAL. They are part of what makes it great. Sloth is supposed to be both funny(so people relate to him despite his appearance) and sad.(we see how really evil his family is)The whole movie is exaggerated. And news flash Chunk and Sloth are the ones who save the day. If you weren’t so busy trying to make sense of things that weren’t meant to make sense and not hating on the movie you might have noticed this. Goonies is supposed to be a lighthearted family adventure, not Lord of the Rings.
People are entitled to their opinions. If you are going to ask why someone who hated a movie would ever bother to write about it, you must first ask yourself, why did you bother to read an article claiming to hate a movie you like? In certain times and places, it is indeed inappropriate to talk about not liking something. However, I would never want anyone to shut their mouth and keep their opinions and ideas to themselves based on what the majority thinks.
Adding to this, I also never got the goonies. All of my cousins and siblings loved to watch it, over and over. I would rather watch Indiana Jones if I wanted treasure hunting adventure (yes, even then). I found Goonies boring and mean by turns. I always felt sorry for the poor guy in chains (not amused) and didn’t like how mean the group was to each other. I may watch it again someday…but Mystery Science Theatre 3000 would have to cover it first ^,~ Then again, that’s just my opinion.
Can I just add the choices for female teenage role models in this film were slim? Pretty, dumb cheerleader or smart, not attractive geek.
I’m with Rob Hamm all the way…. the films a classic.. my misses bought it recently actually and my kids love it.. i’m 27 and have loved the film from the first time i watched it.. i think the truffle shuffle parts brilliant! also the bit when the older brother (i forget his name) goes off the mountain on that girls bike!!! priceless!!
Rob, lets start our own post on how good the film is and forget these haters!
Cool post I will continue to look out for anymore of your future posts.